What will you do differently as a STM?

MellBabyPeeps · February 2016

First off, this question is meant to be funny and helpful.
What did you find yourself doing as a FTM that won't be happening (or things you'll do differently) as a STM or TTM (third) etc?
Any of you familiar with the Luvs diaper commercial? The FTM was all about organic, hypo-allergenic etc, no-this no-that, don't touch the baby etc.
By the time the second baby came around anyone that would hold the baby was fine with her.
I ask because I am a FTM and I wonder what experienced moms looking back would say they would do or wouldn't do with the second or third etc.
And that it's ok to Relax!
I ask because my cousin just had her baby three weeks ago and was at our place yesterday for the game. Mind you, mostly family was here and a few friends. She wouldn't "pass the baby around" as she said. (There were three members of the family who hadn't met the baby yet and I'm sure they had hoped to hold her) And at one point the baby was facing the tv and she was like, "Oh no, that's bad for the baby! Baby can't look at the tv."
I kinda chuckled inside a bit. Anywho, that's kinda where my question stems from.

NicknShan · February 2016

I like to consider myself pretty relaxed when it come to some of that stuff. I bought my first son Luvs. They worked the best. I also allowed visitors and people to hold him as long as they washed hands. I am not saying my way was the right way, and there is complete justification in not wanting to spread germs to your infant, but I plan on doing the same with my second.

I think the thing I look back and would change would be the sleeping situation. My DS stayed in our room 9 months because he was up every 2-3 hours. I would try and transition them no later than 6 months. And really reduce the bed sharing. I was a zombie, and bed sharing worked for us, but I know that as good as bed sharing can be, there is also the introduction of some risk. I am OK with sleep training (that's what got him to sleep at 9 months), and my pediatrician said sleep training at night can start easily at 6 months. By the third night of training, he was sleeping through the night and has ever since. I know sleep training doesn't work for every child, but it worked in our case, where his waking was habitual, and I blame myself a little bit for it due to the bed sharing and constant night nursing.

NLewis1 · February 2016

I also allowed people to hold my son if they washed their hands, which I will allow again. However with a toddler who is in daycare, I also know that germs are just going to be a part of our lives. I tried luvs on my son but he's got my crappy sensitive skin and the only diaper that works are pampers. I'm betting baby girl will be the same way so I've already just start stocking up on pampers.

I think this time around I'll just know that having a baby and a toddler are just a series of phases. Some phases are awesome and some, not so much. But they are just phases and we will get through them.

colesmom33 · February 2016

NicknShan said:

I like to consider myself pretty relaxed when it come to some of that stuff. I bought my first son Luvs. They worked the best. I also allowed visitors and people to hold him as long as they washed hands. I am not saying my way was the right way, and there is complete justification in not wanting to spread germs to your infant, but I plan on doing the same with my second.

I think the thing I look back and would change would be the sleeping situation. My DS stayed in our room 9 months because he was up every 2-3 hours. I would try and transition them no later than 6 months. And really reduce the bed sharing. I was a zombie, and bed sharing worked for us, but I know that as good as bed sharing can be, there is also the introduction of some risk. I am OK with sleep training (that's what got him to sleep at 9 months), and my pediatrician said sleep training at night can start easily at 6 months. By the third night of training, he was sleeping through the night and has ever since. I know sleep training doesn't work for every child, but it worked in our case, where his waking was habitual, and I blame myself a little bit for it due to the bed sharing and constant night nursing.

This^^ exactly!!! The sleeping thing has been a nightmare to rectify! My DS sleeps through the night, just in my bed! Co-sleeping is such an easy habit to get into, especially when exhaustion takes over! We were pretty good putting my son in his crib until he got RSV and then I wanted him right there with me. With these two (I guess with twins I have less of a choice!) I'm going to try not to co-sleep at all! And they will be in their crib, in their room, at three months! (Please, please, please let this happen!!)

Huskerfanz · February 2016

I was fairly laid back the first time around. Not sure what having preemies will change, though.

I'm trying to cut back a bit like I doubt I'm doing crib skirts this time around.

We will try to avoid Dr Browns bottles. They worked great but so many parts!

Going to try to have them in their cribs sooner, too.

mimi_8607 · February 2016

I don't think it's totally unreasonable to not pass a 3 week old baby around in flu season. I would be the same. They get sick so easy. That being said I probably wouldn't be attending a party with a young baby. I'm excited to have a summer baby to not have to worry about that as much. We did make everyone use hand sanitizer. Still didn't keep Ds from getting RSV at 3 months. Now we pay for that cause he has asthma and when he gets sick he ends up on breathing treatments. This time I want to try harder at breastfeeding. My heart wasn't totally in it. I'm gonna try to stick with it. I babied Ds a lot. I'm gonna try to sleep train earlier. I waited till 2 just cause I didn't want to deal with being up. Also he got up a lot to get a bottle or sippy till he was two. I again didn't want to deal with fighting him to sleep. Now i realize that I suffered more because of it. He is a terrible sleeper.

WinniethePoohsPants · February 2016

To piggy back off of @NicknShan I'd say look into sleep training methods BEFORE you give birth (while you still have time to read a book or two) After baby's born finding the time to do anything becomes near impossible.

I started sleep training my DS at 5 months. First I tried lots of 'no cry' sleep training methods and they all resulted in complete failure. Then I read "Solve your Child's Sleep Problems" by Dr. Richard Ferber and my DS was sleeping through the night by the third night of sleep training. It really was a complete life saver, and my son's been a great sleeper ever since. Also, my son cried MORE while I attempted the 'no cry' sleep training methods! Go figure.

I do also recommend using the free and clear laundry detergent (anything else will still irritate my DS's skin and result in nummular eczema) I think buying organic baby clothes is kind of extreme, but to each her own.

When it comes to the question of who can hold the baby, I'm one of those women who doesn't want ANYONE to visit me in the hospital after I give birth, and I will probably wait a week or two after I get home before I invite anyone over the meet my baby. Paranoid? Not really, I just want some time to relax, recover, and establish breast feeding before I have to cater to guests (I have a HUGE family, and they all live close by) I guess it comes down to a matter of whatever makes you comfortable. If you want lots of visitors, then by all means invite people over as soon as you'd like! Whatever you decide, don't be afraid to speak up if someone if doing something to baby that makes you uncomfortable. :-)

gray51015 · February 2016

@huskerfanz I'm a FTM and EVERYONE keeps telling us to only register for Dr. Browns, but every time I really look at one and think about cleaning all those little pieces I just put it back. I can't make myself register for them.

Lyette1206 · February 2016

I think I'll just be more flexible this time. I had so many set ideas of what I was going to do/not do with baby. I then spent so much time and energy trying to make something work that just didn't. I'm really hoping this time I relax and go with the flow more.
To echo previous posters, sleep was a huge stressor for me, mostly because I was so determined not to sleep train. Fast forward to 6 months and DD was waking every hour. I was so sleep deprived I started to have mental health issues and was worried about being alone with the baby. After a few days of sleep training (around 7 months old), she was sleeping 10 hours at a time and mommy wasn't crazy any more.

snowhite12 · February 2016

I love this question! My DD is 2.5 now and I basically remember everything I did with her vividly. to start out I breastfed and only put her in pampers sensitive. After about three months, she was exclusively on formula (generic) and I had her in generic diapers. I did let anyone hold her but I remember feeling overwhelmingly protective of her and really didn't like a lot of people holding her. I am still this way now and I honestly cant help it. I let other people hold her, her grandparents babysit, but there are a few family members whom I "kindly" don't leave her alone with (they would let her jump off a bridge if she wanted to)
For this second baby, I Will be keeping my generic diapers ( I thought about cloth diapering but he will be in daycare FT) I plan on breastfeeding for 6 months and I also plan on incorporating more organic foods in his diet since I do this now for my DD (my DH and I are more financially stable and can afford better quality foods than we could when DD was a baby).
I feel like the protective instinct will be just as overwhelming.

snowhite12 · February 2016

gray51015 said:

@huskerfanz I'm a FTM and EVERYONE keeps telling us to only register for Dr. Browns, but every time I really look at one and think about cleaning all those little pieces I just put it back. I can't make myself register for them

I used Dr. Browns and they were awful. The cleaning process was horrendous and if I didn't use all the parts, they leaked. They also grew mold if every piece was not cleaned properly.My DD also didn't take to them well because the nipple was thin and I was whining her off the breast.
I found the Avent bottles with the larger nipple were her favorites and were very easy to clean. I plan on buying a few of the munchkin latch bottles for this baby since they are highly rated.
However, my sister loved Dr. Browns bottles and found that as long as you take your time and clean, assemble, and take care of them, they work great.

BPaisley · February 2016

NLewis1 said:

I also allowed people to hold my son if they washed their hands, which I will allow again. However with a toddler who is in daycare, I also know that germs are just going to be a part of our lives. I tried luvs on my son but he's got my crappy sensitive skin and the only diaper that works are pampers. I'm betting baby girl will be the same way so I've already just start stocking up on pampers.

I think this time around I'll just know that having a baby and a toddler are just a series of phases. Some phases are awesome and some, not so much. But they are just phases and we will get through them.

That's a really good point about phases. I think with my first, every time we hit a bump in the road, I'd be like "oh no, he hates naps now," "oh no, he is now waking up every hour now", as if that was the new normal and it would be that way for a long time. And with my second, I was able to remind myself that everything is a phase because you remember how quickly they change their habits and preferences.

When they are so little, a good or bad phase can last a week and then everything changes. It's important to never get too stressed about a negative (or excited about a positive) development, because chances are it will be short-lived, so go with the flow.

btorgers · February 2016

I am a perfectionist! With my first, I compared my child to friend's children who were the same age. I know everyone says to not do it, but I did it. I found myself getting jealous of things, like when they slept through the night and when breastfeeding was sooooo easy for them. I don't tend to be a jealous person so this was really out of my character.
My advice is remember that every child is different and to really try to enjoy the experience of motherhood. This time, I will focus on enjoying my child much more and not getting sucked up into the small things.

Emztron500 · February 2016

More swaddling from the get-go. I went through about a month of thinking "my baby hates being swaddled!" with my first, but then once I mastered it, I realized that even though she flails madly like she's "fighting it" at first, a newborn actually has very poor control of her limbs and is way more relaxed being restrained. My baby might live its first few months of life as a swaddled up little potato person.

I think I'll actually be a little more strict about diet once we start on solids. I have always been pretty relaxed with that but my daughter has some pretty rough tummy problems and I'd like to do better with #2 from the get-go and not have to course-correct later with a french-fry-obsessed toddler.

Mostly I'm pretty happy with my parenting of #1 to be honest though and I'm already pretty laid back :P I love bed-sharing and am fine with night-nursing (although I have recently night-weaned #1 so I won't have to deal with TWO kids waking up to nurse all night) and I've never been much of a germ-phobe.

BlueJuice · February 2016

When they are so little, a good or bad phase can last a week and then everything changes. It's important to never get too stressed about a negative (or excited about a positive) development, because chances are it will be short-lived, so go with the flow.

So true. This still helps me out now (with my now-five-year-old), because even though her phases seem to be longer/more complicated now, so far most really troublesome behaviors have been periods that passed. Hang in there mamas!

The only thing I can think of off hand that I am planning to do rather differently with this baby is try to introduce a bottle for some feedings more consistently and a little earlier than we did with the last (I think that was 6 weeks). She never really took to a bottle well and although we breastfed, I would like to have the option to successfully leave her for more than a couple of hours available.

Oh, and I guess I might be a little more flexible about disposable diapers this time around. Last time we used 100% cloth all the time, even while camping for two weeks (!!), and while it was doable, it might not be worth the bother to do this time. We'll see how I feel.

I have concerns/worries, but most of them have to do with how to balance the needs of my preschooler with the new infant, while remaining sane, so unfortunately I can't draw too much from my previous experience. It will be uncharted territory! So many moving parts, aaaahhhhh.

peaceinnature · February 2016

When DS was small we only used organic or cloth diapers. This baby will be in whatever brand is the cheapest (that works well and doesn't give him a rash) from the get go.

When we had to supplement with formula, I would only use the organic brand. Hoping to not have to supplement with DS2, but if we do we'll probably go right to the less expensive brands.

I cooked and puréed (organic) baby food for DS and froze it in ice cube trays. I might still do this for DS2 because the freezing made it convenient, but I think he'll probably wind up getting more table food sooner than DS.

I was really paranoid about DS being out of my sight at first, even when he was just in the other room with my MIL and H's aunt who are both nurses. I already feel more relaxed about this baby and will probably let family babysit sooner.

I was majorly stressed about breast feeding and really worried about my low supply. Which in retrospect probably didn't help my milk come in. This time I'm going to do my best and try not to worry if I have to give him a little formula.

I was a real stickler with DS and screen time, I made sure the tv was never on when he was awake and he didn't watch anything until around two. Now he's majorly addicted to the iPad so I feel like it backfired haha. With this baby I will probably still require the tv to be off while he's awake once it's distracting enough that he turns his head toward it.

peaceinnature · February 2016

On the Dr Browns bottles: we switched to them when DS was having gas issues and spitting up a lot and they did make a big difference. Luckily H didn't mind washing them and we got those microwave sterilizing bags so it wasn't too inconvenient. Well probably use them again with this baby, but I have heard good things about the playtex drop ins so maybe we'll try those and see if he has gas issues.

Huskerfanz · February 2016

gray51015 said:

@huskerfanz I'm a FTM and EVERYONE keeps telling us to only register for Dr. Browns, but every time I really look at one and think about cleaning all those little pieces I just put it back. I can't make myself register for them.

They are good bottles but H hated cleaning them. And since H is in charge of that and that is basically his only request, we are going to try those last!

MellBabyPeeps · February 2016

Agree on the Dr. Browns. I've chosen Tommee Tippee and Avent. I also chose life factory as well. We don't have a dishwasher and I flipping Hate doing the damn dishes all day long. So, I know there will be forgotten bottles or bottles that just have milk smell and I can boil/sanitize the crap out of glass safely. I do have some plastic bottles on my registry also.
Lots of good tips! Love the tip about good and bad phases:).
Co-sleeping will be something we will not look to. It seems it's a good idea at first but not so much as they get older.
I will be reading Some books while on vacation while I have the time too!:)

CourtJack · February 2016

I think I will attempt to supp. formula earlier on. By the time I decided I wanted to have the option to use formula when BF'ing wasn't going to work (I was out of town, etc) - my daughter refused it. I don't blame her - it tastes gross. So I might mix it in with some BM a bit earlier on. (She was close to 9 months before I attempted to have her take some).

Also, my mantra will continue to be "it's only a phase". I was much better at remembering this last time, but with my first child, I was a hot mess. I stressed over everything.

Everything truly is a phase - and I find this to be especially true with sleeping. My daughter went through the 30-45 minute nap phase and while it wasn't fun, I stayed consistent, didn't change anything and tried everything to get her to get through that stupid first sleep cycle. It didn't work for about 2 weeks, but then finally, it did, and she moved back into her 2hr nap schedule.

I plan to baby wear a LOT more this time also. I don't know why, but last time baby wearing stressed me out and I was always nervous I didn't have her in the right position etc. I want to try wraps over SSCs this time also - as vain as this sounds, the ssc's made me self conscious of my flabby belly (when back wearing) -as the straps had to be tight and hence the flab was quite evident.

I've always been super lax about people holding my babies. You want to hold him? Please please PLEASE go ahead. That phase doesn't last long - the novelty wears off and as soon as he/she is mobile, the number of people offering to watch him/her decreases dramatically So I take all the baby-free time I can get

I don't think there's a ton that I would change really. I think I ironed out most of the kinks going from a FTM to a STM. I've always been pretty stringent on sleep habits and am a big fan of Ferber and sleep training in general. However, I might be a touch more lax on that aspect as I love sleepy snuggles and this is my last baby

alsbaldwin · February 2016

I'm still picky about who holds DS, and he's 14 months. I figure I'll be the same with DS#2.

With DS#1, I was so shy about BFing. I remember getting visitors in the hospital and feeling like I couldn't feed DS because I was shy and I also didn't want to be rude and throw people out. This time, they leave or they'll see stuff. When the kid's hungry, he's hungry.

I also beat myself up about having a low milk supply with DS#1. I started pumping exclusively and hated having to do it every 2 hours- I felt like I couldn't hold and bond with my baby. This time around, if BFing or EPing work, that's great, but if not I'm not going to mope about it and just feed the baby formula. The baby will be fed, one way or another.

BLM10 · February 2016

Buy less stuff, accept less stuff, use less stuff.

Stay on top of bottle washing. My first only took MAM and I got like 15-16. I was never in a hurry to wash since I had so many until suddenly I needed a bottle and ALL of them were in the dishwasher. Goes back to my first point, really.

MynaBird · February 2016

Dr. Brown's were the only bottles we ever liked -- we got some of those baskets to hold all the little parts so we could put them in the dishwasher, and as long as we rinsed them out right after they were used and then ran them through the dishwasher, we never had a problem keeping them clean. I was looking forward to finally getting that grass drying rack thing off my kitchen counter, but I guess that's not to be for another couple of years... sigh.

Here's what I'm not going to do this time around: Anything I don't want to do because I think it's what I'm "supposed" to do. Breastfeeding was a massive failure for me, and I hated every minute of it, and I didn't want to do it at all, but I kept forcing myself (and the baby) to make miserable efforts at it because I was surrounded by relatives and friends who acted like it was the only option. I remember the moment my husband's aunt looked at me, horrified, and asked why we were giving the baby formula. I started to launch into the whole explanation -- well, you see, I hemorrhaged and almost bled to death, I had a blood transfusion, she had to be dropper-fed in the hospital, I tried that tube thing to trick her into thinking she was breastfeeding, my nipples are bleeding and peeling, she has a meltdown every time I try to nurse because I'm not producing any milk -- and instead I decided I didn't have to apologize for myself, told her, "Because that's what we feed her," and shut down the conversation. It was incredibly empowering. I wish I'd had the guts to do that more often when various mothers and aunts tried to insert their opinions into everything.

alohasoprano · February 2016

My biggest change will be LESS STUFF! We're keeping it simple and not buying every piece of baby gear/junk under the sun. Saving money and space and headache

keeping the same-
no visitors the first week out of the hospital (I need down time, you might not. That's just something I really need.)

bassinet in our room by the bed. Worked great last time.

Rocking chair in our room. We bottle fed and I found I had a hard time staying awake while feeding him if I tried to stay in bed while feeding. Getting up and moving to the chair helped me wake up and which helped me feel better.

vulpini · February 2016

Definitely sleep training a lot earlier and trying to avoid using swings/strollers/car and other motion for sleep. My first needed some kind of rocking to fall asleep well past a year old when it was just physically hard to hold him and at 2.5 he still wakes up for a sippy of milk. He's a terrible sleeper. We tried sleep training but late and it was two steps forward one step back and/or crying to the point of puking. Boy number 2 will be coddled less with sleep and we'll try to sleep train earlier.

I'm going to try to breastfeed instead of pumping this time. I had a really rough time trying to breastfeed my first - he was a preemie with not enough stamina and we had latch issues because of my short nipples and then mastitis. I had some PPD and stress because my MIL forced herself on us the same day he came home from the NICU instead of a month later like originally planned. I was really overwhelemed and pumping was easier than trying to breastfeed and then pumping anyway, which is what I had to do all through his NICU stay. This time I'm going to try harder to get breastfeeding working because EPing is such a chore with just one kid and now I have two.

Also I'm putting my foot down this time on MIL not visiting until I'm good and ready, but that will depend on my husband backing me up this time.

Other than that, I think I've been pretty chill already. My first has skin issues so we can't do cheap diapers unfortunately and I won't risk them with the second baby. We're sticking with the fancy ones.

As far as letting people hold/watch baby - I'd like for my parents to be more involved grandparents in general, but that depends on them much more than me. They haven't shown much interest in watching my son or even seeing him more than once a month despite living less than an hour away. They have also given me some reasons to not let him stay at their house and to be reluctant to leave him with them for extended periods. Arranging for his care while I'm at the hospital will be tricky.

GinnyJ2012 · February 2016

1. Follow eat, play, sleep, repeat. It worked great for DS2 and he was a fantastic sleeper.
2. Make as much baby food as possible because it saves money.
3. I'm not strict about people visiting or holding the baby. Unless they aren't up to date with shots. Including my friends kids, and yes I ask. Obviously no one who is sick either. Honestly though since this is baby 3, my older two will bring home germs from school and such. It won't matter how much I clean.
4. I have problems leaving baby overnight before they turn one. If someone offers to keep all three so DH and I can have a weekend trip I'll accept this time!
5. I was lazy about getting rid of DS2's bottles and he used them until 17 months. Way too long and I won't be lazy about it again. He used sippy cups just fine, but liked the bottle before bed.
6. Making sure the kids take at least one nap per day at the same time. My boys both nap in the afternoon. DS2 goes down after lunch and sleeps about 3 hours, DS1 goes down at 1:30 or 2 and naps for 30 minutes or 2 hours depending on the day. I take the time to rest, clean, prep dinner, shower or whatever I need to do. It didn't work out at first because baby's schedule is more erratic, but once they're on 3/day it's easier.

Huskerfanz · February 2016

I thought of one more. Invest in good, comfy nursing bras. I hate spending money on myself but I should have done this first time around as I wore them all the time for over a year. Also get more of the undercover mama tops.

Rosehip15 · February 2016

This time I'll have an awesome, supportive DH/Dad, unlike with my first two with my ex;)

But seriously.
I want to take more time off (took off 12 & 10 weeks, respectively, last time). I've told DH that ideally I'd like to take off six months, but at least 4 to 5. In my old age, I'm realizing how short life is and I want to enjoy it.

NLewis1 · February 2016

I'm taking more time off this time as well! I took my 6 weeks paid last time, this time I will take 2 additional weeks unpaid, so 8 total.

Its not not that it was recasting to go back to work at 6 weeks (I loved getting into our normal routine and my son had an awesome nanny so I didn't worry about him while I was away) but this time since I'll basically be off all summer (so stoked!) I want to have an extra couple weeks to go do stuff now that DS will be 2 and ready to do fun stuff!

MynaBird · February 2016

I'm taking more time, too. Last time I was at a small business that was really inflexible on their leave policy (even when I suggested shortened leave in exchange for working from home, etc.). Now I'm at a different, larger company at the executive level, so I have more flexibility. I'm taking eight weeks leave and then coming back part-time for at least the first four weeks, maybe eight. Our family leave policies suck in this country, and it makes me angry that everyone doesn't have the same options I have (and it is silly that twelve weeks is considered "a lot" or "enough"), but if you have the ability to take the time -- take it all!

Rosehip15 · February 2016

MynaBird said:

I'm taking more time, too. Last time I was at a small business that was really inflexible on their leave policy (even when I suggested shortened leave in exchange for working from home, etc.). Now I'm at a different, larger company at the executive level, so I have more flexibility. I'm taking eight weeks leave and then coming back part-time for at least the first four weeks, maybe eight. Our family leave policies suck in this country, and it makes me angry that everyone doesn't have the same options I have (and it is silly that twelve weeks is considered "a lot" or "enough"), but if you have the ability to take the time -- take it all!

I will probably only have 8-9 weeks paid, but am going to extend as long as possible. I work for a university and they will hold my job for 6 months. I'll have to pay my insurance premiums. I figure not paying for childcare & commuting during that time will be a huge savings, and we should be able to swing it at least for a few extra months. We can eat pasta & beans for 6 months!

SMLmom · February 2016

I am not gonna worry if my babe wants to breastfeed all the damn time. Last time, my mom had me thinking I should establish a feeding schedule with my daughter when she was barely out of the womb. It drove us all crazy. Finally, when I started feeding on demand, everything just became so much easier... but that's just me.

I sleep trained at 6 months and will definitely do that again. My daughter has mostly slept through the night ever since, apart from the odd regression or when she's sick.

@Huskerfanz I already bought a nice nursing bra! I agree- I had no idea how much use I'd get from mine.

Tommee Tippee (sp?) were the only bottles my daughter liked (for when I pumped) so I'll start with those but who knows what this dude will prefer.

I don't think I'll have time to really worry so much- my daughter already keeps me on my toes. I'm pretty sure I'll be typically more laid back with the second. Also, I will NOT worry that he's sleeping too much at the start--- I'll savour it!

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What will you do differently as a STM?

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Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015