Going through too much...

andreaAL11 · February 2016

the amount of sh** piling up on top of me is just so much and overwhelming that I can't even type it out, it's such a long long long story? I tried to start another discussion and it was so long, and missing so many peices to the puzzle that it wouldn't make sense to anyone. i was going to get a divorce. Now I'm not. But now my family is broken and I'm smack dab in the middle. Father vs husband? Custody? why am I even in this relationship. My father in law talked us into staying together for the baby. She needs a mom and dad, we both come from broken homes and we would be continuing the cycle. But we can't stand eachother? I'll do it for my daughter.

What is it like to be a single mom? The hurt is too real.

taysun · February 2016

My parents were divorced when I was five. Honestly I wished it happened sooner because even at that age I knew they didn't like each other and they argued.
I don't have a single negative memory about them divorcing but I wish I didn't remember the anger before it happened.
They were also both involved in my life and I never felt like I was missing out. I didn't want my parents to be together.
So in my opinion "staying together for the kids" is not reasonable. Obviously you make the best decision for your family, but I think it causes more harm than the benefits of mom and dad under one roof. Kids can tell what's going on even if you try to hide it. And your happiness is important to raising a well adjusted child.
My advice is, consider what you would want your child to do in your situation, what advice you would give them.
Being a parent involves sacrifice but I don't think this kind of sacrifice is necessary.
Mom and dad don't have to live together to both be there for a child.

alysa03 · February 2016

Being a single parent is extremly hard. I am doing it because my sons father doesn't want anything to do with him (which completely breaks my heart) I won't lie it's stressful and tiring because you are doing it alone. On the other hand it is very rewarding. Knowing you are strong enough to do something like this by yourself is huge.
sometime parents are better parents when they are separated. Kids can tell when you aren't happy. Coming from a broken home myself I saw this first hand and I wish my parents would have ended things sooner because I know they would have been happier sooner.

Mizuiro007 · February 2016

My in laws have both said they never should have married. Their parents talked them into getting married because they got pregnant with hubby. Two years later FIL left and they've never been able to get along. If it hadn't built to such a level they might have been able to successfully co-parent without being together.

My mom says she should've left but stayed with my dad because of custody concerns and that left its own scars for all of us.

It never seems healthy staying together for the child. It can build resentment, even toward the child over them being the reason for remaining in an unhappy relationship.

kleshelle · February 2016

My parents stayed together for the sake of me and my sister.... My mom will say it again and again, it was a mistake. It messed with us worse being in that atmosphere than if they separated. My father was home, but never interacted with me a lot.. I might as well of not been around him. We hardly talk now, maybe twice a year (if I'm the one to call)

point is, as long as you're both happy and play an active part in your child's life.. together or not it'll be okay. Much better in the long run than having them growing up in that atmosphere, even if you try to hide it... They'll pick up on it, trust me. Your baby is a baby, he/she won't even remember any of this that's the best part about it. It won't be a huge shock rather than if you try to make it work and fail then your child will be old enough to remember it. Just because you raise a child in a split family DOESNT mean he/she won't be loved or cared for properly, if anything there's more room for people to come in to love and care for the child.

groovylocks · February 2016

I love my parents. But i wish they had gotten divorced. They love each other now but that didn't happen until i was long gone out of the house. My entire childhood at home was cold, tense and quiet. Nobody liked anybody else. It was very lonely.

If my parents had gotten divorced, the man who loved my mother, a Czech drummer who always made her laugh, would have more than likely have become my stepfather. I liked Csaba and would have accepted that relationship in a heartbeat because of how much he adored my mother. My dad would have pursued his music, traveled more and been happier since he, like me, is happier as a bachelor. He would have had a better relationship with my eldest (adopted) sister. My sisters and i would have gone between two happy homes instead of being stuck in one very unhappy one.

The moral of this story? NEVER stay together for the children. Always communicate and keep your relationship civil. Never involve children in adult issues. Always respect one another for the sake of your kids. But never, EVER compromise your own happiness.

You owe your children one thing beside their basic needs. And that is to keep yourself happy. I learned this early on. Happy parents make confident kids.

I am struggling with the same thing though - i am giving you advice i would do well to take myself. I know how hard all of this is.

andreaAL11 · February 2016

Also he doesn't talk to me much anymore. We are great friends but not good lovers. I kind of go through the day very alone, despite having my daughter with me. I try to joke around and lighten the mood but it's a no go. It's so sad. He literally talks to the dog more than me and loves the thing more than me, this is not.a.joke.
Im sorry if the choice is obvious, I actually just need someone to talk to. I can't really talk to my family, they've heard enough of our problems and say go to marriage counseling.

im not even sure why I'm opening up so much to this board

kelseyofanne · February 2016

andreaAL11 said:

Also he doesn't talk to me much anymore. We are great friends but not good lovers. I kind of go through the day very alone, despite having my daughter with me. I try to joke around and lighten the mood but it's a no go. It's so sad. He literally talks to the dog more than me and loves the thing more than me, this is not.a.joke.
Im sorry if the choice is obvious, I actually just need someone to talk to. I can't really talk to my family, they've heard enough of our problems and say go to marriage counseling.

im not even sure why I'm opening up so much to this board

Why not do counselling? It can be a really great thing. I agree that staying together just for the kid is probably wrong, but if you can heal your relationship isn't it worth it?

rmarie13 · February 2016

My parents got divorced when I was really young. I don't remember them ever being together. My mom remarried but their relationship was not the best example of a marriage. They weren't affectionate with each other and that has shaped the way my kid sister sees relationship norms. She's super uncomfortable when me and DH hold hands or hug.
You should think about the environment your daughter is going to grow up in. The relationships you show her will be the ones she relies on for examples of her own future relationships. It took me years of therapy to be ready for (and identify) a healthy relationship and not sabbatoge it!
Your daughter will have a mom and a dad. The two of you not being together will never change that. What she will also have is a mom who is happy, without a man! You'd be surprised by how many women (myself at one point) don't think they can be happy without a man in their life.

angbrienza · February 2016

Kids need parents. They don't need two and they definitely don't need two that can't stand each other together. I left my ex when my older kids were 4&2. Never looked back. My older boy knew what was happening and could feel the pain of how my ex treated me. We suck at coparenting still but it's better than our kids seeing that we hate/can't stand each other. Being a single mom is hard. But I already felt like I did it all on my own anyway. I just had to make sure I had financials set. My older boy now tells his step dad he wishes he was his real dad because he can see the difference (he's now almost 11) between how he acts and how his father acts. And how he's treated by the two of them and how they speak to me and ABOUT me. Imagine I had stayed? I'd have a husband that hates me and treats me like garbage and a son who could see it and a daughter that thought it was ok to be in a relationship like that. No way man! Don't stay together for the sake of a child. And don't let anyone convince you that you need to!

JElizbetty · February 2016

I was a single mom, my daughter is 10 and I left her father because he sent me to the er one night. I always wanted to leave him I was so unhappy, but like you I thought it was better for my child and wondered how I would even survive on my own. Well sending me to the er was the blessing in disguise I needed. It totally worked with out him, basically you are stronger than you think you are you make it work and you remember what being happy is like. Skip to years later and I met my prince charming, who treats my daughter like she's one of his own.

redfallon · February 2016

Staying together for the kids is bad advice and a load of garbage. My parents divorced when I was in 7th grade and I was relieved! As you can see from the other responses, kids know when the atmosphere is unhappy.

andreaAL11 · February 2016

Thank you all for being supportive, I think I'm going to have a talk with him today to see where he stands in all of this. If he's not willing to work on our relationship then we don't have a choice, I can't stay. He also has beef with my father , and that's not okay with me. He was upset at the fact that the other day he tried to kick me out and said if I take my daughter he would call the cops on me, and my father said "call his bluff and call the cops on him and say he's trying to leave the country with the baby" (which was his plan, he is international). And he saw the messages between my father and I and feels betrayed that we were "ganging up on him" and my father is no longer "welcome in his life".

rmarie13 · February 2016

andreaAL11 said:

Thank you all for being supportive, I think I'm going to have a talk with him today to see where he stands in all of this. If he's not willing to work on our relationship then we don't have a choice, I can't stay. He also has beef with my father , and that's not okay with me. He was upset at the fact that the other day he tried to kick me out and said if I take my daughter he would call the cops on me, and my father said "call his bluff and call the cops on him and say he's trying to leave the country with the baby" (which was his plan, he is international). And he saw the messages between my father and I and feels betrayed that we were "ganging up on him" and my father is no longer "welcome in his life".

That is scary! What country is he from?

blended10 · February 2016

While I think it's perfectly normal to have some "growing pains" after the birth of a child I totally agree with pp - don't stick it out for the sake of the kids if that's all there is. I'm (obvs) a step-mom & can tell you both of my sk's are very well adjusted & just regular teenage pita the same as any intact family. We love each other & have a great inter-parent relationship with their mom & (now deceased) step-dad. It's not always easy but it is best for everyone involved.

amye02 · February 2016

If you two think you'll both be happier and better parents separate then you shouldn't allow anyone to influence you. You'll be giving yourselves an opportunity to parent without stress, tension. You also would both have the chance to find love again. You need to decide what is best for you and what kind of example you want to set. Divorce isn't easy, it was tough but for me, it was the best thing I ever did.

Bombmom3 · February 2016

So things for you to think about - you need to look long and hard about the custody laws of the country your husband is from. There are many countries where the father has absolute rights and if he is from one of those and takes your daughter there is nothing - and I do mean nothing - you can do to get your child back if he does not want to bring her back to you. (I know this from personal experience through my parent's work and from a close friend who lost her son this way). I don't say this to frighten you, only as a warning because his threatening to call the cops if you take her is scary.

His is reaction to your father also smacks of someone who is a control freak. Someone close to you challenged him so now he is trying to force you to cut them from your life. As everyone here has said, do not stay together for the sake of the baby. If you love him and he isn't abusive (emotionally or physically) and you want to make it work then go for it. Otherwise, call your dad and have him help you pack up and move out.

groovylocks · February 2016

Given that he's abusive, he'll never get custody. Also when you have this talk do it in an email. His reply will more than likely be mean and nasty and then you have him in writing. Or you can secretly run video while he rants and raves like a fool. Im not sure how it works where he's from but here moms almost always get custody and dads almost always get none if they're dangerous people. She may be his kid but she was born here.

My husband says a lot of nasty shit in writing. Angry people don't think things through

groovylocks · February 2016

rmarie13 said:

andreaAL11 said:

Thank you all for being supportive, I think I'm going to have a talk with him today to see where he stands in all of this. If he's not willing to work on our relationship then we don't have a choice, I can't stay. He also has beef with my father , and that's not okay with me. He was upset at the fact that the other day he tried to kick me out and said if I take my daughter he would call the cops on me, and my father said "call his bluff and call the cops on him and say he's trying to leave the country with the baby" (which was his plan, he is international). And he saw the messages between my father and I and feels betrayed that we were "ganging up on him" and my father is no longer "welcome in his life".

That is scary! What country is he from?

Yeah I'm international too but I have no plans to leave the USA unless I can settle right I've the border (we live 30 minutes from the border thank god)

if if he's getting physical, have his ass jailed. That'll put a kink in his plan.

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