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June 2016 Moms
TheHauntedHauswife
member
No tough love? L&D Question!
TheHauntedHauswife
member
I am lightly starting to work out some ''birth plan'' type details I am having a hospital birth with a midwife and am generally pretty "crunchy".
I would like to put in some kind of a request for no "tough love" tactics to be used on me. No one screaming a me or screaming in general, at any point in my labor. I have a legitimate reason for this (its a trigger) but is that really something I can ask for would you think? [ EDIT: The stern type talking to/motivating, IS what i'm talking about. Not 'screaming' so much as just being motivating to degree that I think would not work for me. ]
What happens if i am given a nurse who uses that type of behavior? I have no idea what kind of say the birthing mother ultimately does or doesnt have over the hospital staff. I wanted to save asking my midwife questions until i had them all sort of laid out, and im not there yet which is why im asking here. TIA!
I would like to put in some kind of a request for no "tough love" tactics to be used on me. No one screaming a me or screaming in general, at any point in my labor. I have a legitimate reason for this (its a trigger) but is that really something I can ask for would you think? [ EDIT: The stern type talking to/motivating, IS what i'm talking about. Not 'screaming' so much as just being motivating to degree that I think would not work for me. ]
What happens if i am given a nurse who uses that type of behavior? I have no idea what kind of say the birthing mother ultimately does or doesnt have over the hospital staff. I wanted to save asking my midwife questions until i had them all sort of laid out, and im not there yet which is why im asking here. TIA!
Re: No tough love? L&D Question!
DD1 born 11/2014
DD2 born 6/2016
Triplets due 6/29/16 also from an IUI!
Mrs. H
Crohn's Dx: August 2008
Endometriosis Dx: May 2010
Married: 05/19/2012
TTC #1: June 2013
BFP: December 2013
DS: Born 08/29/2014
TTC #2: July 2015
BFP #2: September 25, 2015
I'm a FTM so I don't "know" but I think most (if any) of the screaming will be done by you. You probably don't have anything to worry about in that regard. I'm sure you can expect them to be stern if you try to say you can't do it, by saying, "yes you CAN and you WILL now let's go." You might need that! Who knows. I'm a very tough love giving kind of person, totally blunt and to the point if needed but I don't think I'd ever scream at a laboring woman.
If stern talk is also a trigger for you, though that might be worth bringing up.
Edited because spelling
I never realized how sensitive to it i was until i literally had 2 people over the course of a week both (literally, not what im saying above) scream at me about things that had nothing to do with me which ended up taking me an insanely long time to recover from.
Also i realize not everyone has the same reaction to such a thing, but for me it will very much shut me down and make me feel uncomfortable in my own delivery room. Which is why its a concern to me. If someone was continuing to do it, i think it would make labor much more difficult than it needs to be for me. But i understand again that this isnt necessarily a normal reaction, therefore can understand why it may not be honored.
I asked this also in a crunchy moms group and the general consensus was that I really need to get a doula to handle these things for me. Which i cant really afford but i am seeing how that might be the route to go if i can some how muster up the funds.
@parsonsperson Thank you!! I found one possible lead im looking into.
I told the nurses up front exactly what I wanted and they listened. Like others have said, typically they will follow your requests as long as it's safe. Definitely try and prep your husband in case he ends up needing to be the one to chime in.
You can absolutely request a "gentle birth" experience without that tough love. You can have this put on your medical record too: that way everyone who reads your chart will have to see it before interacting with you. If you don't want a doula: Coach hubby on what to say to you and how you'd like to hear it for when things progress. My midwife was really supportive of this and is totally ok with putting on the encouraging/"great job!" voice.
OP I suggest just telling the nurses up front what you expect. You can put it in your birth plan but there is no guarantee they will see it. In my experience the l&do nurses were some of the kindest people I've met though so hopefully it works out the same for you.
The only occasions I've seen it are where someone is actively pushing and there's a serious problem, like the fetal heart rate is decelerating and they need to get the baby out now. I think twice in this situation I've seen a mother crying saying she can't do it and a midwife say something like 'yes you can, this baby needs to get out now, so you have to be strong and keep pushing'.
I understand that this seems harsh, and I can understand that you may have circumstances that make it feel additionally threatening. But I promise you, if you find yourself in that place, you absolutely wont shut down, because all you'll care about is that your baby is in danger and you'll just do what they tell you.
If if it will make you feel calmer, by all means put it in your plan and discuss it with your midwife. But I'd try to put it down then, and not to get too focussed on it or worked up about it, otherwise you're setting yourself up for a bad experience.
Trust me, I have anxiety and there are things about birthing that make me feel like I'm going to have a panic attack just thinking about it. But I'm really aware that if I let my mind get preoccupied with those things, it'll run away with me and by the time I get to the hospital I'll be a bundle of nerves right from the get go. So I try to keep reminding myself that my OB is great, the midwives know what they're doing, and they WILL get me and baby out the other side safely. And then I do whatever preparation I can to feel ready, and let go of the rest. I currently have to do this at least once a week, when it all comes back again, but so far no panic attacks!!
I'm so sorry, this ended up so long, and maybe kind of preachy. I didn't mean for it to, I just got a bit carried away!
I guess that does sound like a birth coach....
@Meggyme I will have to think what phrases could potentially come up that would be specific, but i totally get what your saying that maybe using an example might be the best way to approach it!