I'm not sure if this is the correct place but I feel like I'm slipping through the cracks and have nowhere to turn. We ended a pregnancy at 18 weeks after a genetic diagnosis of Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I feel like I don't belong with those grieving a loss out of their control but choosing this doesn't make it any easier.
We found out we were pregnant in March 2015 and were so excited. During my routine bloodwork it came back that I was a carrier for SMA. My husband got tested and we were devasted when he tested as a carrier too. We decided to pursue genetic testing and found out at 16 weeks that the baby was affected most likely with Type 1. With that diagnosis most children won't survive to age 1.
We we struggled for weeks about what to do. I've never cried so much in my life and felt so alone and isolated, even from my own family and husband. After carrying my child for months I felt there was no path forwards or backwards. We decided to end the pregnancy and it was the worst day of my life. All I remember is laying on the table sobbing and within minutes it was over. I feel like I aged years yet no one besides a few friends and my immediate family even know what happened.
I have four sister and two were pregnant while I was pregnant. I feel like I can't even be around their kids and get so angry at those who are pregnant with no issue. Everyone keeps telling me I'm not getting any younger and I should start my family (I'm 30 and my husband is 33) and I just want to scream.
We found out several weeks ago that we're pregnant again and I'm terrified. All I can think is that we're going to be affected again and have to deal with another loss when I'm still grieving the first so much.
I guess i just just needed to vent. I'm 8 weeks pregnant and I still haven't been to the OB. I can't even think about this knowing that it could all end in loss again.