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August 2016 Moms
Veronica0422
member
Life went on.
Saying farewell (loss mentioned)
Veronica0422
member
I wanted to share this letter, because I feel that writing it felt somehow liberating. It's personal, too personal actually, but with that, we chose to share our personal over-whelming excitement without a worry in the world, but sometimes-----life takes unexplained, unexpected, unfortunate turns., so with that being said; It's long, I know, but even this cannot express all the intertwining feelings of the loss, the overwhelming sadness, the devastation, the love, and the hope we feel right now.
So here it goes:
To Our Angel Baby,
My dear sweet little angel,
I am writing this to you because I want you to know that I loved you since the very first moment I knew you were growing inside me. I still love you, even if you stopped living and are no longer here. My heart still feels heavy and tears come to my eyes every time I think of you. We couldn't find your beating heart when I was one day away from 10 weeks pregnant.
You had stopped growing at 6 weeks 3 days, but my body did not want to let you go. It held you inside, covered and protected, even when your little heart had stopped beating. We had a first glimpse at you in an emergency radiology room and my heart broke to see you so little, the sweetest little bean, and yet so still. Even though I was bleeding and having painful cramps, we still hoped for a miracle. The ultra-sound machine though was merciless. You were no longer alive., but we were left to speculate.
That evening was so full of unexplainable pain, and the horrific reality that you were no longer with us, and my body was finally letting you go.
One day I know you'll come back to us in your own time, healthy and good and strong.
It was only days ago I had the most vivid dream of my father, your grandfather. He came and kissed me on the forehead. I was so confused, he hasn't came to me in a dream in a very long time.
I understand now-- I will not worry, because I know you are now in his loving arms forever.
That night, through the ER we rushed, painfully and somehow evading reality, I underwent the enevidable D&C. Heartbroken, lost and hurt we hid the pain under a mask, as we arrived home the next morning to our Miya, Angela & Frankie who have no idea what happened, or that you even existed, and who knows if they ever will.
Your daddy, who loved you so very much and who loves you still, held my hand through it all--and we both knew it was ok to cry. He slept next my hospital bed in a chair all night, finding comfort in each other’s presence...and we did.
Life went on.
Here I am, one day after. Hurt, empty and angry at the universe, even God perhaps, for being so unfair, and then I thanked him for the gift of allowing me to have you, for us to have you, even for such a short time. To dream about our life; your amazing life.
I keep thinking that in all this pain there has to be a bigger lesson that we need to learn. To not take things for granted, to enjoy every present moment, to celebrate Life & every aspect of it and to love with a burning passion, as if every day would be the last. For some it is.
A lesson that somehow God, the universe or Life itself wanted us to learn. A gift so heavy, and one we'll never forget.
We will be trying to offer you a brother or sister, here on Earth one day, and we will wait for you to come back to us, when this life decides the time is right. Do not forget that Daddy and I love you so very much and that we miss you, and thank you for all the amazing happiness, and beautiful dreams you brought to our lives, even for such a brief moment. It will be engraved in our hearts forever.
2-03-16
•Wishing you all a farewell, and beautiful, healthy pregnancies.
•Wishing you all a farewell, and beautiful, healthy pregnancies.
Re: Saying farewell (loss mentioned)
BFP #2 8/22/12 | EDD 5/5/13 | DS1 born 5/9/13
BFP #3 4/25/15 | EDD 1/7/16 | MMC 7/2/15 @ 13w1d | D&E 7/8/15
BFP #4 12/9/15 | EDD 8/22/16 | DS2 born 5/18/16 at 26w2d
Just keep swimming.
6th pregnancy, 4th baby
BFP 12/08/2015
Beta #1 12/08/2015 (3097)
Beta #2 12/11/2015 (6033)
Creator walk with you.
~N