Anyone else pushing their husbands/partners away?

chloe97 · February 2016

So I had a rough start to my week. Even though I was on my vacation, my BFNs hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I'm hormonal and waiting on what I think should be my AF, but seems to be stuck again and I'm quite frankly losing my shit. I've cried myself to sleep every night the last few days, woke up and started crying again. I never knew after my loss that my first BFN could feel as horrible as the ultrasound showing no heartbeat, but in some ways it feels worse.

I don't know what to do with DH. He's doing his best to help me through this, but doesn't know what to do. Quite honestly, right now all I want is space in my own home to be alone and quiet with my own thoughts. I want to practice the meditations my therapist gave me without hearing his sports on tv in the background. I want to sleep alone in my bed, so if I don't actually get a good nights sleep, I can't blame my sleep deprivation on his snoring which never ends. I want to binge watch trashy television and lose myself in something that occupies my mind, so I'm not constantly chart stalking, paging Dr Google, or hanging out here while half-watching a Big Bang Theory that I've seen a million times.

We live in a small condo.How do I make him understand that I need space without making it seem like I'm pushing him away? I feel like I'm crushing him when I ask him to let me have me time. He's always around and if he goes out, it's for 1-2 hrs to grab a beer with someone. I've even thought about asking him to stay with his parents, but I feel like that will make them think that we have problems or make me look like a bitch.

Anyone else lie been through this/going through this?

ETA I can't handle how much my pain/anxiety is hurting him. I just want to be alone with it and for him to be able to have some happiness/peace in his life,

GoldenTMama · February 2016

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I had a slight version of this after my MC, but my emotions also varied from wanting my DH to be close all of the time to wanting to be alone. My DH felt really badly too after the MC, but then he wanted me to cheer up. He hated seeing me sad so he didn't like it when I was. But my family also hated seeing me sad and would constantly tell me not to be sad and it drove me a little crazy. I wanted my time alone to just be sad. I didn't want anyone to try to tell me that it wasn't meant to be or that it will happen when it is meant to, or stressing will make it worse, or that "at least I can get pregnant." I was lucky in that our house is a good size and he was working nights so I felt I was able to get that space.

I understand how important that alone time is and I do think you should try to get it. Maybe you can take a few days to yourself and stay in a local hotel alone. Your family doesn't need to know about it. Maybe you can explain to your DH that it's not about him, but you need some time to yourself.

I hope you get your alone time and are able to heal in a way that works for you. Good luck.

megsbrock · February 2016

I am so sorry that you and your DH are having such an incredibly tough and sad time right now. I got a little teary eyed reading through your post because it's clear how much you are hurting and I just feel you.
It's so hard to navigate relationship issues after a MC. You want them close yet you need space. They so desperately want to see you feeling better and you just want to feel the grief and remember your baby (not that they don't grieve and remember, but sometimes I think it's easier for spouses to look to the future because they are not physically experiencing the loss).
you just have to do what will help you get through the days/weeks ahead and communicate openly with him. It's nobody else's business but you two, so hopefully the family opinions won't factor in.
Big hugs to you.

chloe97 · February 2016

Thanks @megsbrock I hate that we are spending the first year of our marriage dealing with such intense issues. I've always gone through my worst "stuff" alone. And so I know how to deal with it and attempt to heal when it's just me, but he's ruining my flow. I just worry this will kill my marriage.

@GoldenTMama Thank you for your thoughts! I would feel weird staying in a hotel, but I may talk to H about staying at a friends place. I just think about how painful that would be if the situation was reversed and H asked me to stay away for a few days. It just feels mean.

BornReady · February 2016

It's so thoughtful of you to be worrying about your DH while you're struggling and looking for your own peace. I can't relate exactly, as I want to like sit right on top of my husband when I'm struggling, but my husband is definitely more like you. He is a super introvert and needs his alone time to recharge and process what's going on in his life. We've been married going on 10 years now and I regularly will take time away when I know he needs a break, has a project he needs to concentrate on etc.. I have had people think it's weird that we do this, but for my family and close friends, this is always what we've done and they really think nothing of it. I never do it in reaction to an argument or a fight, so it has not ever been about that. It truly is that he needs some time and space alone, so I take that time to visit my parents or siblings and spend the night there. We still talk and text while I'm away, but he just has the physical space and quiet to do his thing. It's actually been good for our marriage in my opinion and a huge part of understanding what his needs are as a different personality type than me.

alanna3622 · February 2016

@chloe97 I am so sorry that you are going through this. And it is particularly awful that such your relationship has to go through such a trial so early on in your marriage.

Your first post had me worried about you, but in your later reply you sound more in control, self-reflective. How are you doing now?

One thing that has helped me on occasion with my husband is to compliment him on the things he is doing right, even if it is just a hint of doing what I want him to do, and then explicit why it is right. Ie, thank you for giving me my space, that is exactly right for me because I always process things better when I have time to just veg... something like that? I don't know if that would work for you guys or if it sounds too heavy handed or manipulative. And it may be unkind to push him one way or another if he is going through his own process right now.

I am just so sorry you are dealing with this.

chloe97 · February 2016

Thanks @alanna3622 I'm doing better now emotionally, but this week has been a killer. I appreciate you reaching out. H and I have had a few long conversations and I finally realize where a lot of my feelings are coming from. I'm ashamed that it took me until I was 33 to start finally start dating the type of man I should of married and I'm ashamed that I'm going through all this at 36 and feel like we have no time. I feel like H should have married someone younger that could be more on his schedule. All of my sadness is based on fearing the unknown and shame that we don't have much time to complete our family. It's also caused by a lot of freaking hormones that are raging through my body right now and causing me pretty serious insomnia, severe breast pain, and a period that refuses to start.

I like your your idea about complimenting your husband. I try to do that a lot. Last night at the doctors office, I thanked him coming with me and being so caring and thoughtful. He comes to every appointment so that he ask the doctor all the things that I worry about and am too embarrassed to ask myself. He is my rock. He not the best with medical stuff, but he wants to do whatever he can to make this better for me and it helps!

Ugh this process is just the worst. I really wish it didn't have to be so hard!

alanna3622 · February 2016

@chloe97 I was so glad to read your reply. To be honest I thought that your first post sounded like you were punishing yourself, or feeling guilty. I am glad that the 2 of you had the love and courage to dig deeper and see where those feelings were coming from. It is hard to figure out the difference between when someone is an introvert and needs time to heal and when a person is isolating themselves and quietly drowning. Heck, sometimes it is a combination of both things.
On the shame thing -- that is a pretty heavy burden you have taken upon yourself. You see that right? You are saying things about yourself and to yourself that you would never even think, much less utter, to another woman. It is normal to feel that way -- so many women report a feeling of failure. That they could not keep and protect their baby, that they are having difficulty when it is perceived to be so easy for other women, that you did not deserve or earn a successful pregnancy... If these things hit home for you, and if you were willing to listen to some presumptuous advice from an Internet stranger, then I would suggest that you set up some kind of support person or people to remind you that these things are completely wrong. That bad things happen to good people -- and that those people are still good, even after the bad thing has happened. It sounds simple, but this is a very complex concept to grapple with in the situation you are in right now. VERY. Maybe your husband? Your mom? A trusted friend or counsellor?

I remember after we found out our son had died, I kept apologizing to my husband. Again and again, I apologized. He patiently corrected me, telling me that I had done nothing wrong. But I kept thinking those words: "I'm sorry". After a while, I realized that I was saying those things to my son.

I have been feeling a mad and intense desire to conceive, but I am starting to think that I am not strong enough to TTC. I don't know if I can bear trying, and failing. I am now 38 years old and I know the biological reality that applies to a woman of my age. My husband and I have been through do much and I don't think we could handle the roller coaster of TTC. But even though my heart knows this, my hormones do not. It is so, so hard. And confusing.

There is a wonderful book called Empty Cradle Broken Heart that is keeping me afloat these days. A book may be the last thing you want or need right now, but if you still feel stuck it may be helpful to you.

Hugs to you.

chloe97 · February 2016

Thanks @alanna3622 I'm so sorry for your loss. I hear what you are saying about not feeling strong enough. I made a promise to myself to push through this and I'm going to until I don't think I can anymore. I'm definitely going to check out that book. I'm not sure if I can read it right now, as I'm starting a new cycle, I feel optimistic. But when if I end up back down in the dumps, I definitely will!

alanna3622 · February 2016

Fingers crossed that you get your BFP soon!

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