Lack of libido causing stress in marriage, help!

paigeperry05 · January 2016

Hey ladies, so a little history on the situation: first trimester husband and I were having sex all the time until about week 8. After that it just seemed like I lost all desire for sex, (along with not feeling so great all the time, these twins have done a number on mommy so far), and not only that but it just didn't feel right (down there) which I read can happen with pregnancy with the increase in hormones and blood flow in the that area. We were hoping things would change in the second trimester but they haven't yet. At first hubby was saying "it's fine, this stuff happens with pregnancy, don't worry about it" but I would get so upset every time we tried and I just couldn't make it happen. I felt guilty even though hubby was being supportive.

Well, the other night we got into our first fight about it. I knew it had to be frustrating him because it was frustrating me, but with how he had acted about it in the past, I didn't think he'd actually get so angry like he did. Basically the argument ended in him saying "just forget it, now I feel bad because I know you can't control you body much right now, but still" and just rolled over and went to bed. Well today I saw that he had looked up porn... Is it wrong for me to be mad over this? Part of me wants to confront him about and let him know how upset I am (we have established before that for our marriage, personally, we don't agree with either of us watching porn), but a small part of me wonders if I should just let it go since I haven't been able to have sex as often as we would both like during this pregnancy. I just don't want it to lead to him using that as a way to get what he needs from outside us and our marriage in the future... HELP!

splsmama2016 · January 2016

It is normal to not have any desire for sex. Shoot, I think since I got pregnant, DH and I have had sex maybe 8-10 times?? Do I feel bad? Yes. Do I like the idea of him looking at/watching porn? Not really, but if I'm not able to get into it, I'm surely not going to make him wait until one night I feel frisky. I just told him to not tell me about it.

SarahFoley725 · January 2016

Idk I'm torn on this because it's something that y'all had talked about previously. DH and I rarely have sex. 2nd tri wasn't too bad but even with just one baby I'm pretty miserable here in my third. DH may get sexually frustrated but he never gets angry with me about it. I always tell him to DIY but he never wants to. I guess our husbands are just different. Just talk to him about it because IMO if it will help him it will ultimately help the two of you in the long run. Maybe you can take so sexy pictures or something for him to use instead?

ecwk · January 2016

It's normal to have a decreased sex drive and it is totally ok to go without sex. Tbh, as much as I don't really like it, if it were my husband I'd just give him a pass. He obviously has his needs and he's well within his rights to masturbate if he wants to. It might be annoying but try see it for what it really is, it's just him getting his fix and is in no way a reflection of how he feels about you.
The only thing is though, how did you find it? Was it on a shared device or did you have to go through his phone to find it?

Synnovus · January 2016

I agree with @SarahFoley725 that you need to talk with him. Try to approach him with out being mad, but tell him how you feel about the porn use and why, future use and so on, let him know about your own frustration too. I guess finding out about it after what he had said the night before made it hurt a little extra. And since this is something you two have agreed on not being okey before I think it's even more important to talk about it. Are you okey with him mastrubating if there's no porn involved? And you might want to bring up how to handle the postpartum period and no sex for six weeks as a couple too. Pregnancy and pp can be a challenging time for a couples intimacy and sexlife and I believe open communication where you listen to the expectations, wants and needs (as well as doubts and fears) of both of you are the best way to achieve a solution the two of you can be comfortable with. Wish you good luck

wildtot · January 2016

I'm 28 wks and haven't had sex since we conceived due to complications I've been having. We won't be able too till after 37 wks or after Baby arrives... Few weeks later once bleeding stops. That will pretty much be a year for us. To top it off we have only been married for a year. I was sad not being able to at least do it that once for our wedding anniversary. Anyways there was a time that I was super horny which was frustrating. But we talked it over to remind ourselves why we couldn't. Same goes for him when he gets his urge. I feel bad but I do offer doing alternate stuff so he is at least satisfied. He usually declines because he'll get too worked up and can have the real stuff. But we talk that's the main thing. We cuddle naked, we talk about when we first did it, get excited for when we will again, and make sure we show each affection in other ways. We are excited for baby and that's our main focus. Luckily he doesn't resort to porn, but we did laugh over some naked pictures on a motorcycle magazine but that's it.

Hang in there and talk it over with him when your not upset.

Tawny87 · January 2016

My first pregnancy was twins, I totally get the lack of libido, and I was on bed rest for a month of my pregnancy. My poor hubby literally went 20 months without it!!! Maybe try watching it with him if he is in the mood and you are not? That way it is something intimate between the two of you.

PinkLady2015 · January 2016

1. Use the search function to find the 100's of other posts about low sex drive... Lots of good information and tips.
2. Talk with him about what some healthy alternatives to sex could be that you're both comfortable with. Maybe this means scheduling a time during the weekend to take a shower together and be physically intimate.
3. You talk about your loss of desire... Maybe it means he gives you a massage so that you feel more in the mood. You didn't mention a medical reason for not having sex, just that you lost yoir libido. Sometimes the motivation comes after you've started foreplay. Maybe talk with your husband and what feels good now, that's different from before. (Do you need more foreplay? Less stimulation? No boob play? More boob play, slower, faster) and make sure there's enough lubrication.
3. Perhaps it would put your mind at ease to talk with your doctor who can reassure you sex is 100% safe.
4. If I'm being honest, I don't think it's fair to be mad at him for looking at porn and I'm going to assume he also masturbated to it. For lots of couples, porn and masturbation are healthy aspects of their sexual relationship, whether it's together or are separate activities. You wouldn't tell him he couldn't drink beer for the next year since you can't, right? Or tell him that he can't exercise since you don't feel up to it? Why would you tell him he's not allowed to have (self) sexual gratification bc you're not in the mood. Seems a bit unfair.
5. Communication is vital right now and I'd also recommended as pp's have to let this be an open, honest, compassionate and understanding conversation between the two of you and hopefully you can find a happy medium.

doozer1345 · January 2016

I skimmed over the advice on here but from what I read it sounds good. I wanted to add though that bc you all have decided porn is off limits and he's hid it from you is a problem that probably doesn't need to be ignored. IMO when you start hiding things from each other is when things get really problematic. Maybe coming to an agreement about porn/masturbation etc for right now needs to be discussed?? Also, much like the advice that you're not sleeping well now to get ready for not sleeping when baby gets here I think goes hand in hand for sex as well. DH and I fought a bit about sex at the beginning of when DD got here but eventually started appreciating the quality instead of the quantity. Lastly, have you thought about other things to do with each other instead of sex sex?? GL I know it's tough.

amberraysofdawn · January 2016

Since you asked...I'd let it go. I used to be really uptight about this kind of thing early on in my relationship with DH (we've been together 11 1/2 years now), but over the years I've come to a new conclusion over it. Basically, my husband occasionally watching porn is a lot like the few times he's gone to a strip club (he's attended a few bachelor parties over the years): yeah, I don't love that he's going there, but at the end of the night I'm the one he's coming home to. As long as it isn't on any shared devices and I don't know about it (I mean, I know that he gets into it sometimes, I just don't want to KNOW, you know?) and it's not interfering with our regular sex life (by which I mean our sex life outside of pregnancy, because I've got a super low libido these days too), I'm fine with it. Plus, it takes the pressure off of me. If I were you, I'd try to relax and not take it personally - take it as a vacation instead. When your sex drive is ready to come back, porn won't be nearly as much of an issue (if at all) because he'll be getting his satisfaction through you.

PinkLady2015 · January 2016

Also adding--- try watching/reading porn yourself--- you may find yourself turned on and wanting to get it on

kyraaD · January 2016

i definitely agree with the other ladies about letting it go. he did come to you first to get his "fix". telling him you dont feel like having sex & also getting mad at him for watching porn/masturbating will only cause more problems for you guys. & honestly, i would rather my SO watch porn from time to time when I'm not in the mood than get his fix from another actual person..

i wouldn't worry about this becoming a problem, honestly. he seems like he would be more willing to do things with you than watch porn. i have a feeling as soon as you're feeling up to it again, he will be thrilled & forget all about it! good luck (:

elldel · January 2016

It seems like PPs have a lot of great advice, but I'm just going to throw this in the mix. You mentioned that you two had established before that watching porn was something neither of you "agreed" with (which is fine; it's actually the same situation in my marriage). Since you are unable to have sex as much as you would like, though, perhaps it is time to revisit that conversation and see if boundaries need to be re-established or perhaps new ones put in their place. Because let's be honest; he does have needs too, and if you two can't/won't satisfy each other at this point, you need to come to a mutual decision about what is acceptable and what is not. Good luck!

Edit: spelling

saladflambe · January 2016

I thank my lucky angels for porn & DH's right hand...and some lotion

cMichelle0423 · January 2016

Sex hasn't been awesome for us this pregnancy. It's really hit or miss. Sometimes we can do it and it's awesome. Other times, it seems more complicated and awkward and it just doesn't work out. And usually when we have an awkward sex session, DH feels bad and is reluctant to try again. Which I don't blame him at all. I know he watches porn. Do I care? Not really. I would never want to dictate how my husband chooses to masterbate. The same way I wouldn't want him to dictate how I do it. I would just let it go.

RMLandy · February 2016

I think because you discussed it and had an agreement about it before you were married, it absolutely needs to be addressed. IMO, that's a violation of trust.

PrimRoseMama · February 2016

PinkLady2015 said:

1. Use the search function to find the 100's of other posts about low sex drive... Lots of good information and tips.
2. Talk with him about what some healthy alternatives to sex could be that you're both comfortable with. Maybe this means scheduling a time during the weekend to take a shower together and be physically intimate.
3. You talk about your loss of desire... Maybe it means he gives you a massage so that you feel more in the mood. You didn't mention a medical reason for not having sex, just that you lost yoir libido. Sometimes the motivation comes after you've started foreplay. Maybe talk with your husband and what feels good now, that's different from before. (Do you need more foreplay? Less stimulation? No boob play? More boob play, slower, faster) and make sure there's enough lubrication.
3. Perhaps it would put your mind at ease to talk with your doctor who can reassure you sex is 100% safe.
4. If I'm being honest, I don't think it's fair to be mad at him for looking at porn and I'm going to assume he also masturbated to it. For lots of couples, porn and masturbation are healthy aspects of their sexual relationship, whether it's together or are separate activities. You wouldn't tell him he couldn't drink beer for the next year since you can't, right? Or tell him that he can't exercise since you don't feel up to it? Why would you tell him he's not allowed to have (self) sexual gratification bc you're not in the mood. Seems a bit unfair.
5. Communication is vital right now and I'd also recommended as pp's have to let this be an open, honest, compassionate and understanding conversation between the two of you and hopefully you can find a happy medium.

All of this. He needs to respect your low drive & you need to allow him the freedom to masturbate as he sees fit.

If you are concerned about physical intimacy-- massage, cuddling, showering are all activities that are mutually beneficial. Sex is not the only way to be intimate.

paigeperry05 · February 2016

Thank you all so much for your advice. It helped me really think through the best options for the talk that I felt like we needed to have. Just as an update, I did talk to him about it, and he did admit to it. It really spoke to me what one woman said about reevaluating for the time being. We rediscussed this topic and I explained to him that while I hope this isn't a long term (meaning post pregnancy) thing then I was okay with him doing what he felt was necessary in order to not get to that point of frustration again. One commenter did have a valid point, I don't want him to completely lack for almost a whole year when it's not completely necessary. It is not a medical reason, so we can try. He explained to me that porn is more of a last resort for him, because he would much rather be with me (Which made me feel better to hear). So we talked about somethings we could do to help my situation, and if all else fails then if he's gotta do what he's gotta do then I'm okay with it but I just don't wanna know/hear about it. For the record, we share an iPad and apple account so I had used our iPad to find some websites that I was on the previous day for baby shower ideas, and since we have one account all of the histories on all the devices are linked up. I wasn't snooping. I just wanted to also thank you ladies for not being judgemental and giving me your honest opinions which lead to a wide variety of comments which is what I really needed to hear right now to rationally think things through! I usually don't put my private life out here like this but I was stumped, so from one momma to another thank you ❤️

PrimRoseMama · February 2016

@paigeperry05 : There is nothing in the vagina for 5-8 weeks post delivery. So there definitely will be a time when no sex will be a thing. After that, depending on how your delivery went and how your newborn experience goes, you may be having dry spells for the first year of your new child's life.

Its not uncommon and nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband does not have to have sex just because you don't have a medical reason to abstain. Not feeling into it is just as much of a medical reason as any. Low libido happens and its a real thing. You shouldn't have to "take one for the team" at any point because you feel obligated. That is not healthy. Sex hurt for me for a good 6 months after I was cleared. I tried but hardly ever could complete the transaction because the pain was not sexy. My husband did not like hurting me either. So, its not something I recommend "grinning and bearing" . Eventually the sex gets good again, but it could be an uphill battle and is for a lot of couples. Its part of the biology of having a baby.

FTR, I never thought you were snooping. You are equating porn consumption with dissatisfaction with your marriage. Think of it like fast food where sex with you is a full sit-down dinner with dessert. Different ways to achieve the same end of sexual release. Its not a value judgment on you as a wife or human.

I just wanted to say that I'm glad y'all talked, but I want you to be aware of how the next couple years might go for you.

1faceinacrowd · February 2016

I just want to say that this is such a great thread with a lot of wonderful advice. I'm a little worried about the post-baby period myself. My libido hasn't gone down yet during pregnancy (knock on wood) but like @PrimRoseMama pointed out, there WILL be a time when sex is off-limits.
My daughter's dad (my ex) is legitimately addicted to pornography (he attended therapy for it for over a year during our relationship and never did get better) so I think I'm over-sensitive about porn use in my marriage to my husband. My DH hasn't had to use it during our relationship to this point, but this thread helped me sort of get ready to have that conversation and prepare myself for the inevitable. I wasn't the OP, but this thread was very helpful to me, so thank you.

veetveet · February 2016

A grown man isn't allowed to have sex with his wife or watch porn. I'd be mad too if I was him.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. And I'm Sorry he isn't more understanding. But you need to find a balance - oral sex, manual stimulation. I had zero sex drive with my first... And I'd rather have my husband watch porn than be pissed off all the time.

All the best.

veetveet · February 2016

Just saw you spoke to him.... Glad you're feeling better!

clairemwalker · February 2016

@PrimRoseMama i just need to say thankyou! While my worries are slightly different to OPs, your advice is very helpful and relevant for me.
To OP, well done for having a good talk to DH about it! I really struggle to open up to my DH about anything intimacy/sex related becuase we have always been on the same page before pregnancy.

Pinkgirl42 · February 2016

If it is truly bothering you, I say have a conversation. Although he does have needs just like women have- it isn't anything for you to feel bad or guilty about (I know you can't control the feeling though). I can't have sex right now because of bleeding and my boyfriend is very open about "taking care of himself" and I understand his feelings. And it is nothing for you to feel guilty over! You can't control your hormones. I know sex is one of the biggest strains in a relationship but at this time your hubs should try and be supportive. I think it's difficult when you go from an active sex life to a not so active, but it will come back! Hang in there mama!

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