Gender Neutral Parenting/Fear of Pink Washing

nonniebird · January 2016

Hi everyone,

First time parents here, and we just found out we’re having a girl! While we are beyond thrilled, the fear of raising a daughter has started to set in a bit, and we would love some advice from other slightly nonconventional/more gender neutral parents

I really want to raise my daughter so that she doesn’t feel confined to pink and princesses. It so bugs me that when I’ve looked at baby stuff online, it seems like girls get pink and purple, princesses and ballerinas, and boys get, well everything else. I’m totally fine with my daughter having pink dresses as part of a balanced wardrobe, but I also want her to be able to wear jeans and blue clothes, and well someday whatever she wants to wear. Obviously I will love and support my daughter no matter what her tastes and preferences end up being, but I’m really nervous about bringing her into a society that has such a narrow preconceived notion of what femininity is. How have other feminist parents handled this issue? We’re actually considering pretending we’re team green (except we’ll tell my parents and sister) so that we don’t get pink explosion for shower gifts.

Any other thoughts on how to handle the pink-washed journey we’re about to embark on?

Snaps816 · January 2016

I don't know what I'm having, but I'm concerned about this, too. Staying "team green" is a good plan, but if it were me I'd probably slip up and say "she" or "her" at some point. I don't know if you're planning on doing a registry, but that is one way to express your stance on this in a subtle way. If your friends and family go onto your registry and see that you're going for a non-princessy aesthetic, hopefully they'll catch on and buy you things that match (or just buy you the registry items). Also, if a friend or relative offers to throw you a shower, you could clue her in on your feelings and steer her towards invitations and such that you're ok with. One of my friends had a Star Wars themed baby shower (yes, they are nerds, and they received lots of adorable/nerdy baby items that they loved). At the end of the day, anyone who gives you a baby gift is doing so with love. But they never have to know if you pack that pink dress away in the back of the closet and never see it again.

texasmama2014 · January 2016

From my experience with a little girl, you will probably receive clothes that will not be your style and be very girly. However, you are the parent and you choose what she wears until she can choose for herself (which my 19 month old is doing already. She loves pink and shoes.) I agree, register for things more your style, but ultimately people will buy what they think is cute. You can't really dictate what people buy for you as a gift because it is their choice to spend their money on you. I was actually surprised at how much I liked some of the girly pieces that were totally not something I would pick out.

lalalorelai · January 2016

Remember that you are free to exchange anything you are gifted that is not your personal style. I roll my eyes every time I walk down the baby aisle at a store because of how awful the clothes are. But if someone took the time to pick something out it's because they like it for whatever reason, so I'll graciously thank them then take it immediately back to the store. No harm no foul. The only thing you can do is make sure your child is exposed to a wide range of options as she grows up.

amandazap · January 2016

I guess I understand your fear. I've always been of the mindset that I'm the parent and if I don't like something someone gave my son, I can either regift it or take it back to the store. Also, if you are planning on having a shower you can always stipulate on the invitation that you do/don't want a certain color.

PhoebeJune1984 · January 2016

::lurker::
I have a very large family and between friends and family, there were 14 of us pregnant all at the same time. I was one of the last to deliver, and going to all of those baby showers, I was seeing a common theme when people were carrying girls: tons of clothing, tons of pink, and everything that people registered for.....the gift giver would go for the pink version instead of the one that the couple registered for. I don't like pink, I don't like frilly, and I didn't want to deal with trying to figure out what the heck to do with a newborn sized tutu or crib shoes that looked like high heels. We decided to be Team Green in the end (pink gifts were not the main reason, but was one of the many reasons), and at the shower, we ended up getting almost everything off our registry. I was actually shocked, but then it made sense....people don't want to be buying clothing and stuff, when they don't know the sex. If I was buying for Team Green person, I would do the same thing....get a few things from the registry, and maybe pick out an outfit or two after the baby is born. We ended up having a girl, who is four now, and we do a mix of girl and boy clothing.....dresses, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle stuff, purple snow gloves, and firefighter themed rain boots, etc. I occasionally get snarky comments from family members if DD is wearing a color that is "deemed" a "boy color", like a few weeks ago my cousin said "You always dress her like a boy!" and DD was just wearing a solid navy blue long sleeve shirt, skinny jeans, and red boots. Apparently, I didn't get the memo that girls are only allowed to wear pink and purple, and nothing more. I love all colors, I don't discriminate...and neither does my daughter. If you ask her, she will say that pink and purple are her favorite colors, but when it comes to picking out clothing or anything, she will pick what she likes regardless of color. The toys in our house are just toys....they are not "girl toys" and "boy toys". The only thing that irks me with toys, is when someone gives her gifts like lip gloss or fingernail polish. I don't mind if she uses chapstick, or if I paint her fingernails with my polish once in a blue moon, but there is no reason why a four year old needs to be wandering around with a little purse of lip gloss (that sh*t is so sticky!) and fingernail polish.

I don't think that you should lie about being Team Green, just because of gifts. Like the previous poster mentioned, your baby shower host could just mention your preferences if the gift-giver asks. Hopefully if you get any pink gear and want to exchange it, there is a gift receipt. Its a pain, but not the end of the world. And trying to hide the sex, but then telling your parents and your sister, makes no sense. The more people that know, the more likely it is that the truth will come out. My husband's cousin did this a few years before I had DD, her and her husband found out, and then they pretended to be Team Green. She told her friend, who ended up sending her a box full of girl clothing, and a few family members were confused (best friend doesn't have any kids, she bought the clothing) and asked why she would send a bunch of girl clothing if they didn't know. Cousin lied to their faces and said "oh I don't know, because we still have no idea what we are having..." Weirdly, a lot of people had hurt feelings when they found out later that they knew the whole time, some just felt lied to. And others (that were close to cousin), were kind of upset that she would tell her friend, but not them. And she didn't even do it to avoid pink, as her baby shower was after the baby had been born.

Pam973 · January 2016

I think this is a very interesting topic. My first is a girl and is 4 now. So this is what I have learned. Every kid has their own personality and regardless of what they are dressed in when they are tiny later they will do their own thing. My kiddo wears tutus with everything. She's also the first kid to jump in the mud with said tutu on. She also wore the blue pull ups because she thought monsters and cars were more fun then the princess. I say go with the flow. Don't stress to much about the pink stuff. Offer them other choices along the way and they will grow into their own.

charmedlifex3 · January 2016

You could do a gender reveal AT the shower, that way you aren't lying - just "Making it Fun!!!"
"Oh we know! We just have a fun reveal planned!"
And when anyone starts pressuring you, you can just tell them they will have to wait until the shower.

BritMC18 · January 2016

I am in the exact same boat - we're having a girl and I detest all things pink and frilly. That being said, obviously if my child comes to me at some point and says "hey mom, I love pink frilly dresses", then I'm fine with that. BUT... until they can choose for themselves, I'm going as gender neutral as possible.

While we know what we're having, and so do our parents, we are keeping the gender secret for everyone else until the baby is born. I wouldn't necessarily "lie" about being team green. If people ask us, we are telling them that while we know, we have chosen to not reveal the gender. Our main reason is just so there can be some element of surprise, but the idea of a gender neutral baby shower (with NO pink) definitely helped make the decision to keep the gender a secret much easier

I agree with PP about putting things on your registry that are more your style. My Amazon registry is full of the Burt's Bees line of gender neutral clothing (blacks, grays, whites) and the more traditional gender neutral clothing selections (yellows, greens).

Hope it helps to know someone else is in the same boat!

haboobjob · January 2016

I exchanged a lot of things for the gender neutral version because I didn't want a pink explosion in her room (plus I wanted it to work for our next pregnancy in case we ended up having a boy). Also, most retailers will allow you to exchange anything even without the receipt so if you don't like the clothes, take them back.

I'm not a fan of the matching onesie/pants combos with cutesy sayings on them. Luckily, there are so many great girls clothes that aren't over the top girly. We were huge fans of mint and white/cream. I did get comments from strangers that she should be dressed in white or with headbands because she was bald and "looks like a boy".

WildWhat · January 2016

I totally hear you--it's one of the (many) reasons my husband and I are team green: just holding off nine months before all those stereotypes are put on this new little person! And the pink explosion isn't the only thing. The other day when I was looking at baby books, I realized that if we knew we were having boy people probably wouldn't pick us books with female protagonists.

I liked a previous poster's idea of doing a gender reveal at the shower. Personally, I would have trouble not telling (or being coy "we know but we're not telling) and that to me sounds like a good solution. Plus, then you can lead the way with showing "girl" means a lot more than just pretty in pink!

Good luck!

kat22stl · January 2016

I feel your apprehension! I had a lot of the same fears about having a girl. We were team green so, from a gift-perspective, we received neutral things and then a whole lot of pink outfits once she was here! I must say I've relented a bit on my pink policies and, now that she is 4, she has clothing and toy opinions as well. I definitely agree with what @Pam973 said - your daughter is going to have her own personality and preferences. (Like do I wish mine was more into soccer than dance? Kind of but she freaking loves dance so I try to encourage both!) I think it's less about the 'pink' and more about toys are toys and clothes are clothes and asking our kids 'what do you like' and how can I support that? (Even when they are tiny.)

cait5413 · January 2016

If you haven't spilled the beans, you may want to keep it quiet until after the shower. Registering for more neutral items may help. My cousin was very frustrated that most of the onesies and stuff for girls said things like "pretty," "beauty," and other somewhat shallow adjectives. A good friend made her some onesies that said things like "smart," "courageous," etc (I don't remember exactly). You might be able to find some similar stuff on etsy. There are also some new companies trying to encourage STEM toys for girls: https://www.goldieblox.com/ These are for older kids, obviously, but something to keep in mind for the future.

cm716 · January 2016

I have two girls who wear lots of pink and frilly but if that's not your thing i would recommend shopping at carters. They have a LOT of girl options in greys/blues and a lot of less frilly options.

bearsandbeets7 · January 2016

I personally love all things pink and frilly! So for now DD wears what I pick out(she's 15 mos) but I have started asking her if she likes something before I buy it, although she doesn't quite know what I'm talking about. Once we get to the age where she shows preference if she likes the ninja turtles compared to the pink tutu well then ninja turtles it is. I do like that some stores have started coming out with "girl versions" of some things deemed boy such as super Heros and such. It's the best of both worlds for me. People DEFINITLEY buy what they like, but if you do some shopping around there are some places that have more than just pink and princess for girls.

nickelbride · January 2016

We decorated our daughters room with a jungle animal theme. You could do something like that and register for accessories/toys only and ask people not to gift you clothes.

huskymama725 · January 2016

This is my experience....DD is 4 1/2. When she was a baby everything was pink, her nursery was ballerina bears. Ever since she's been old enough to have an opinion I've let her....we spent almost two years as a single mom duo. She picks out clothes she likes from the boy or girls section, she's got a mix of barbies, dolls and trucks...she plays with them all. Some days she'll want to wear a princess dress, some days Baggie jeans and a grey t shirt. Maybe it's just my kid, but all pink didn't make her one way or another.

happyhorse · January 2016

We shared your desire for more gender neutral stuff with our first, a girl. We did tell people she was a girl and we got a lot of pink stuff as gifts and stuff with physical messages like "pretty" and "gorgeous like my mommy". It probably bothered me more than my husband because I hated that stuff as a kid and my mother was VERY set on traditional gender roles. So I had bad memories of fights over pink dresses.

Go ahead and buy your girl boy clothes or your boy girls clothes. Pick what makes you smile. When they are little they don't have personal preferences.

Around a year my daughter started to express a preference for clothes with animals on them. So we let her pick. She seems to like all colors equally. She's getting into Star Wars now too.

We will probably put a boy in pink too if we have a bit next, mostly because we will reuse her clothes! But for what it's worth, I'm a grown woman and wear a lot of blue. Husband likes to wear pink sport shirts to work. So anyone can wear any color.

themisfitbenji · February 2016

It feels so great reading this thread. Sometimes, it seems like everyone lives the pink explosion that goes on when a baby is gendered "girl". It's like they have no other options. Jus pink. Maybe purple.

I have nothing against pink, but I'd I have a girl, I don't want that to be her only option. My plan is to not reveal until after the baby shower. That way whether it's a boy or a girl, they'll have variety. We're going with a Lion King/jungle (er, technically savannah?)theme as its cute and seems neutral enough.

The thing is, as a feminist myself I sometimes wonder if the whole idea of gender neutrality isn't a bit sex is in and of itself. Why is it always masculine that is considered neutral? I pointed this out to my SO. There are some pink things I've liked, but I'm afraid to buy them

themisfitbenji · February 2016

(Posted too early, post continued here)

Because we don't know gender. IMHO all colors should be neutral, but like I told him, I know I'd be eaten alive if I put pink on my boy. Really isn't fair. We send the message sometimes that boy is good, girl is bad. So, if it is a girl, pink is fine. I just don't want her dresser to resemble pepto bismuth.

Stephanie7693 · February 2016

My daughter is 10, and when she was a baby, we had a lot of girly clothes, but many of them we still neutral colors. Then she fell in love with elmo. To this day her favorite color is red. She loves wearing sundresses in the summer, but lives in sweat pants and big tshirts half the winter. She has never really been into princesses and dolls, even though she got tons of that stuff when she was little. You cannot push that stuff on a girl who doesn't care for it. She loves dragons, dinosaurs and lizards. We have always encouraged whatever it is she has an interest in, and she's confident in who she is and what she loves.
My point is, dress her however you want, buy her toys you approve of, but try not to be offended by what others gift her or you. It will not shape what she likes who who she is, as long as you support her interests. Just be prepared for the possibility that she might love frilly things and princesses!

ThisisNumber3 · February 2016

@Stephanie7693 - Ugh, finding big t-shirts for girls is so hard. All the t-shirts/tops are cut so tight and small its not funny. Ive been shopping more for her lately in the boy section for tops.

Stephanie7693 · February 2016

Most of hers are souvenir type shirts, and some handed down from her cousin. Craft stores sell plain colored the shirts that are not tight. And we get souvenir the shirts everywhere we go for that reason too.

Mrsrundell · February 2016

This is an interesting thread. I never really gave it much thought before! I grew up in a house with a totally glam, diva mom and I was always more sporty/ preppy and my sister has always been more goth/punk so I do think each person will find their own style in time. We were always allowed to pick our own clothes, do our own hair, etc so maybe that played a big part in it.

I actually think think there is more gender pressure on little boys than girls. Being a "tomboy" wearing jeans and baggy shirts isn't really frowned upon by society as much as say a little boy wanting to wear a dress or a tiara.

I'm excited to see what type of activities, style, personality my little one has and I'm so happy to hear so many other mommas feel the same way!! It's all about individuality and diversity.

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