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June 2016 Moms
TheHauntedHauswife
member
Pregnancy Expectations VS Reality? Real Talk...
TheHauntedHauswife
member
Is anyone else having a sort of tough pregnancy and finding themselves feeling like they just cant keep up with anything? That you had all these expectations of what it was going to be like to finally be pregnant and it just is so far from the reality.
I had all these grandiose ideas for how pregnancy would go, and how I would take weekly belly pictures, and maybe we would go on a baby moon. I am a photographer, so of course i would do tons of maternity photoshoots in cute little outfits. I thought i would have the house in tip top shape, I would solve a lot of our storage issues. I would get to projects id been neglecting and pick up tons of new ones to get ready for baby.
I know most of us are only half way and there is still lots of time. (im about 22.5 weeks) But in my case I was recently diagnosed with Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction and its so painful I can barely get out of the bed now, and even being in bed is pretty uncomfortable! I am seeing a physical therapist whose a specialist in this, but i am not sure there is much hope that this will be improving too too much until after i have the baby and the Relaxin pulls back a bit. It just seems like its been one thing after another, first 9 or so weeks was non-stop dizziness, making it hard to accomplish a lot. The following group of weeks was endless migraines, again making it hard to accomplish a lot, then a few weeks ago this pain started to kick in and has only progressed and gotten worse. I kept trying to feel grateful that i wasnt puking my guts out, and that baby continues to do wonderful. But its hard not to just submit to the reality that i am having a tough pregnancy.
I just cant help but feeling like im kind of having a harder time than it seems like so many other people are, and im worried this is going to make me very regretful later on. Though i do realize there isn't much i can do about it and being hard on myself about it isnt going to help anything. It amazes me watching posts here talking about babymoons, or keeping up fashion with maternity clothes, or even just knowing that many of you manage to keep yourselves employed during this time. I am already feeling like i am going to be regretting what i did not do while i was pregnant, that im going to miss all those cute belly pictures i never took, and that baby is going to get here and im still going to feel like the house is completely unprepared for her. I havent even been keeping up with the journal i really wanted to keep and that doesn't even involve leaving the bed. I don't want her to find it some day and have to hear about how hard it was for me.
I know hormones are high, and im probably slightly over reacting feeling so concerned about all of this. But i would really love to hear from some other moms-to-be that are dealing with similar things.
I had all these grandiose ideas for how pregnancy would go, and how I would take weekly belly pictures, and maybe we would go on a baby moon. I am a photographer, so of course i would do tons of maternity photoshoots in cute little outfits. I thought i would have the house in tip top shape, I would solve a lot of our storage issues. I would get to projects id been neglecting and pick up tons of new ones to get ready for baby.
I know most of us are only half way and there is still lots of time. (im about 22.5 weeks) But in my case I was recently diagnosed with Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction and its so painful I can barely get out of the bed now, and even being in bed is pretty uncomfortable! I am seeing a physical therapist whose a specialist in this, but i am not sure there is much hope that this will be improving too too much until after i have the baby and the Relaxin pulls back a bit. It just seems like its been one thing after another, first 9 or so weeks was non-stop dizziness, making it hard to accomplish a lot. The following group of weeks was endless migraines, again making it hard to accomplish a lot, then a few weeks ago this pain started to kick in and has only progressed and gotten worse. I kept trying to feel grateful that i wasnt puking my guts out, and that baby continues to do wonderful. But its hard not to just submit to the reality that i am having a tough pregnancy.
I just cant help but feeling like im kind of having a harder time than it seems like so many other people are, and im worried this is going to make me very regretful later on. Though i do realize there isn't much i can do about it and being hard on myself about it isnt going to help anything. It amazes me watching posts here talking about babymoons, or keeping up fashion with maternity clothes, or even just knowing that many of you manage to keep yourselves employed during this time. I am already feeling like i am going to be regretting what i did not do while i was pregnant, that im going to miss all those cute belly pictures i never took, and that baby is going to get here and im still going to feel like the house is completely unprepared for her. I havent even been keeping up with the journal i really wanted to keep and that doesn't even involve leaving the bed. I don't want her to find it some day and have to hear about how hard it was for me.
I know hormones are high, and im probably slightly over reacting feeling so concerned about all of this. But i would really love to hear from some other moms-to-be that are dealing with similar things.
Re: Pregnancy Expectations VS Reality? Real Talk...
When I would complain with my first pregnancy about how awful and tired I was all the time, people would constantly tell me "Just wait til the baby gets here! your pregnancy will have seemed like a vaca!" This statement was not true at all for me (yes the first 2 weeks were so hard bc I didn't know what I was doing and was severely sleep deprived) but after a month or so I got into the rhythm of my new life and my body was mine again! I could exercise, drink and eat what I wanted again! And I absolutely loved having a newborn! (not kidding, toddler years are soooo much harder)
I cannot wait til I am 40 weeks with this one! I don't believe anyone who tells me how hard having a newborn and a toddler will be.
I guess we just keep chugging along and in the end it will be worth it. I have also been an epic failure at keeping the journal I bought or documenting bump pics. In my defense my hump is still basically just fluff not a real bump at 20+6.
Its so weird that some women have such an easy time while others can't seem to catch a break. But you do what you can. And I think you should forgive yourself for not being a magical pregnant unicorn. Right now, you're growing a human, and that's hard work!!!
I think non pregnant people, even those who have had kids, forget what it's like to share your body with a fetus and how it can really feel like it's taking over sometimes. Everything just gets more intense. Things like hunger and fatigue can suddenly become overwhelming, or you catch a virus and it knocks you out for a week when before you'd be up after a day.
As for the journal, would it really so bad that she knows pregnancy is rough? Maybe it will be good for her to have a realistic expectation of what pregnancy might be like. I personally want to be honest with my kids about that kind of stuff. Make sure they know I'm not blaming them for it, just so they know what life is really like.
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. The only advice I can give is to not be so hard on yourself. You are growing a human, that is no easy task.
But please stop being so hard on yourself! You're never going to have it all together (and that will be true once the baby gets here, too). So please don't tie yourself to those expectations, because the important thing is that you prioritize your health right now. You can take lovely newborn photos once the baby is here and you have lots of time for craft projects--or maybe you won't have the time, and that's okay too. And unfortunately, you'll probably be dealing with storage issues for the rest of your life.
You should regret nothing, imho. All we can do is our best, and that will always fluctuate depending on a million factors.
Feel better, mama!
I'm having what would be considered an easy pregnancy and I completely feel you on expectations vs reality. It's totally why I'm here lurking and posting at basically all times of every day now... This place makes me feel like a human. Real life is filled with insensitive comments, stupid advice, and people giving me looks like "Why do you look like you were hit by a bus all the time?" or on extra special days getting comments like that right to my face. Sorry real life is kicking you while you're down with their comments. Glad to hear you enjoyed having a newborn though! There is hope! If only pregnancy came with unlimited free prenatal massage, unlimited budget for maternity wardrobe, half the work of real life, and double the rest... Feel free to complain as much as you want here. We hear you. This is not the glowing that was promised! For gawkers, commenters, and unsolicited advisors IRL "Hey f**k your mother!" tends to work really well in getting people to STFU. Just a thought
This is my third baby, so this is old hat to me. It's been the same every time.
I realize I'm incredibly blessed reproductively - all things considered I have healthy pregnancies & babies, and got pregnant easily, so I am loathe to complain. I can't imagine how miserable I would be if I had more serious problems!
But I hate being pregnant. Lots of women do. It won't last forever. I know it's trite, but you WILL feel better eventually, even if that means after the birth. Hang in there. You don't have to like being pregnant. You just have to do your best, and keep yourself & baby as healthy as possible.
I keep hearing the "Well you're (such and such) weeks so you should be feeling better soon" and I want to reply with, "Well thanks for that but please excuse me while I pass out/barf up my breakfast."
I also haven't done many cutesy pregnant things, but I console myself with the thought of all the cutesy things I can do when this little lady pops out. Here's to a swift 4.5 months!
I agree very much with what one of you said that having expectations is setting you up for disappointment and its something ive usually been pretty good with but i guess for some reason i feel some sort of guilty about it. Like doesnt this baby deserve to look back on all the cute belly pictures and special things I did, but I realize thats really not what all of this is about, and i know that. Like another (or a few..) of you said, I am growing an entire human being here. Its not like im sitting in bed twiddling my thumbs, i am creating an entire person here. I guess its hard to really connect that reality when you dont physically feel like you are 'doing' anything beyond the side effects of it happening.
A little back story - I have Fibromyalgia and have been medically unemployed (but of course not legally disabled! >.< ) for about 2 years and that's been hard for me but i could still manage to get through things like grocery shopping and at least doing some housework sometimes. If something ever really NEEDED to be done, I could do it in one way or another, maybe it took longer, or maybe it took 2 days to recover from, but it got done. But already having had been knocked down to that level was hard. So its just a whole other level now.
I feel terrible for all that my husband has to do for me while he works a physically laborious job. He loves his job, but i have always wished i could be that wife that had dinner ready when he got home and could make his lunches the night before so he didnt have to. But i think that is something i did eventually come to terms with being just simply not the reality.
So i think i am just going through a little touch of reliving that now that i feel like again, my body cant keep up with my brain in an even worse way than before. I am hopeful that once shes here this pain will be subsiding (they say it should!) and I will be so busy and wrapped up in her that i wont even have a moment to concern myself with whether or not shes dressed up like a perfect instagram baby with a perfect pinterest mom.
Additionally, My husband was just about finishing up his colon cancer treatments, when I simultaneously was diagnosed with the fibro and had my best friend of 6 years silently break up with me and never speak to me again, all in the same 1-2 months. Which spiraled into a very long period of time nursing my broken heart and my newly broken body, only to have this lead me to lots and lots of therapy that uncovered that I had been severely emotionally/mentally abused for my entire childhood, which lead me to a decision to disconnect from my parents (who were in many ways still carrying out the abuse. i posted about it here months ago.) which ended up happening all during the same time that we found out my husbands sperm count was seriously effected by chemo/radiation, and ended up having to move forward with fertility treatments just to get this baby growing inside me. So needless to say... its been a rough 3 years... and i supposed its a truly a miracle that im even half way okay after all of that and that we do have a healthy baby kicking away in there. So posts like this, and feelings like this coming up for me, i would imagine is pretty justified and normal.
Thank you all again for your replies, reasoning or not, it still is great to know that many of you have felt the same or similar ways.
I can't relate to your specific medical issues, but I want to sympathize with you about some of your concerns and frustrations. I've struggled with severe depressive episodes through most of my 20s. I used to be highly competitive and ambitious. I wanted a high-powered career and I was sure I would be one of those people who would get up at 6am to run a few miles, prepare a healthy breakfast for the family and be in my office at 8am. Now, getting out of bed and showering is a major victory. I have very little expectations of my pregnancy only because I have hardly any expectations of myself anymore. My only goal anymore is to put one foot in front of the other. Like you, my husband works a physically demanding job (he's a Chef--so all day on his feet, lifting stuff, 60-80 hour work weeks) and it's been a long time since I have been able to be an equal partner around the house. He does most of the cooking and most of the cleaning. I've had dinner on the table for him when he gets home only a handful of times over the 8-9 years we've been together. If I worked a normal job, I would be fired for sure. I'm doing my PhD right now so I'm somewhat protected in that my supervisor doesn't have the direct ability to discharge me from my program. I'm 5 years into a 4 year program and I'm nowhere near completion.
Anyway, this is meant not as a rant or to hijack your thread except to say that I completely and fully understand how frustrating it can be when things don't go as planned. It's easy to say that we should all feel like miracles and rainbows because we're pregnant, but the reality is very different--and living up to our own expectations seems to be among the hardest things to do. Your feelings are completely normal and you are 100% not alone. PM me if you ever want to talk.
It recently came up with my therapist that I lack this ability to trust that my mother knows things, and that apparently most women ask thier mothers when they have general life questions. That its usually a pretty normal thing that daughters feel that their mothers are competent in many areas in life and go to them for advice on babies, friendships, etc. etc. But when we tired to boil it down, the only thing I could safely say i would ask my moms advice for would be things relative to cooking and maybe cleaning and pretty much everything else i consider her to be incapable of helping me and i therefore seek other sources. So i think its pretty interesting at least within myself and situation that i find myself feeling like i cant live up to expectations when those expectations are also the only thing i trust or see as positive or competent within my mother. Just an interesting (to me..) observation.
As far as your schooling goes, I completely understand why you would make that choice. I have definitely put my heart soul and time into things that i ended up walking away from. I try my best not to worry about 'wasted time' because otherwise i would drive myself nuts. Alls that truly matters is what works for us now and moving forward.
And just to add: pregnancy is amazing, but it sucks.