What to do If DH appears to not want to ttc as much as you?

glamakitti · January 2016

Hi guys
Just want to rant really there may be some tmi, not sure yet.
About a week ago I started a discussion on here about the SMEP I got some good advice from some of you and I then talked to my DH about it and he was fine with the idea. We started a day early because he was going out on my CD8. Anyhoo come day 3 of the every other day rule; he's too tired to dtd he chats away until I realise it's too late to do anything because we need to go to the vet. I lose it because I feel like he procrastinated on purpose. He then tells me that it feels too unspontaneous to which I reply you knew this from the start and unfortunately I have a small window in my cycle when I am fertile soooo.... it will always be a little unspontaneous. I then said if I hadn't told you about the plan you wouldn't have known the difference and there wouldn't be a problem. I haven't even been able to look at him since yesterday I am so mad! I feel it's just me putting in the effort he gave up on me last cycle too. I told him that I can't do this alone so if he is not 100% in let's forget it. Am I being dramatic????

DinosaurJumper · January 2016

I'm sorry for your frustration and I hope you and your DH are able to talk this out. I'm no stranger to forced reproductive sex though. I feel like TTC for any length of time shows that men aren't always the sex-hungry fiends we joke about. You may want to try and add some fun to the BD. There is a book called 101 nights of great sex by Laura Corn. It's got some weird stuff in it, some of which may not be your, or your DH's style, some of which may lead to some pretty amazing baby-making. I know reproductive sex is a lot, so maybe only a few of the nights of that week are treated special. Just because it's not spontaneous, doesn't mean it won't be fun ;D

catiecatp · January 2016

I don't think that DH disliking SMEP means he isn't as on board with TTC as you are. My DH needs sex to feel spontaneous and sexy - otherwise one or both of us feels dissatisfied with the experience. I'm not a doctor or a therapist - but here are my thoughts. Maybe try to keep it seeming spontaneous for him while you know which days to target? And even if you do try to adhere to SMEP, don't point it out to him - let him try to forget about it. You have a short fertile window that you are super aware of, but so long as one of you is aware of the window you have a shot. Some men are going to be super interested and engaged with knowing their wife's temperature and CM and... others aren't. My DH isn't, and sometimes it makes me feel like he's less invested in having children - so we periodically have discussions to reassure me, but it can be tough because I get emotional and it is hard to have a productive discussion when emotional - but I think he's 100% invested, just invested in a different way.

BornReady · February 2016

I have been where you are my friend! When we first started TTC my DH was similar to yours. I think both of us were taken aback by the relatively small window of time that pregnancy is possible. The "best" thing for DH getting on board was how long it took us to conceive, over a year. After a few months without success I think he started to see things from my perspective a little more. Once we got into a routine with the whole TTC thing it got much more fun. I let DH know when we are in our window and in the morning while we're heading out to work, he'll say something like "we on for tonight" etc. That way we get to text each other through the day about it, think about it and build up some anticipation. I found that worked much better than springing it on him at the last minute before bed when we were both tired and I was anxious about potentially being turned down etc. Honestly, the whole process has actually been good for us. It's given us something that feels like we're in on our own secret project and forced us to seek more intimacy with one another. Moral of the story, planned sex can still be great sex.

Does DH get the timing needed for baby making sex? YouTube has a video called the Great Sperm Race, that does a good job explaining what great timing/luck it takes to actually be successful. Maybe you could send him the link if he's open to things like that. Otherwise, my biggest advice is to keep talking it out. Is he having reservations possibly about getting pregnant? Having a hard time with the loss?

catiecatp · February 2016

I love that this board is a place where we can openly discuss our experiences, problems and concerns.

dpjennifer · February 2016

I am greatly appreciative of the ideas you ladies have had about TTC "on a schedule." This past cycle we tried to be very conscious about what days we should BD and it's been very difficult. It's almost like the days we plan / need to BD we are too tired and disinterested and it's started as more of a chore. Then as soon as I ovulate and the planning is not as important, DH is super interested. Very frustrating. I may have to try a few of your tips.

glamakitti · February 2016

catiecatp said:

I love that this board is a place where we can openly discuss our experiences, problems and concerns.

This board is fab! It really helps me clear my head and reset. Like when my work colleagues told me I'm grumpy to which I responded you know I going through a lot at the moment (miscarriage in October, finding out my DD has ASD and ttcal) The response I got in return was a shrug. I was straight on here to talk to people who get it.

glamakitti · February 2016

dpjennifer said:

I am greatly appreciative of the ideas you ladies have had about TTC "on a schedule." This past cycle we tried to be very conscious about what days we should BD and it's been very difficult. It's almost like the days we plan / need to BD we are too tired and disinterested and it's started as more of a chore. Then as soon as I ovulate and the planning is not as important, DH is super interested. Very frustrating. I may have to try a few of your tips.

It is annoying when you're all out of sync. It has been interesting researching thing to help ttc a long; some things seem so bizarre! Doesn't mean I won't/haven't tried though

glamakitti · February 2016

DinosaurJumper said:

I'm sorry for your frustration and I hope you and your DH are able to talk this out. I'm no stranger to forced reproductive sex though. I feel like TTC for any length of time shows that men aren't always the sex-hungry fiends we joke about. You may want to try and add some fun to the BD. There is a book called 101 nights of great sex by Laura Corn. It's got some weird stuff in it, some of which may not be your, or your DH's style, some of which may lead to some pretty amazing baby-making. I know reproductive sex is a lot, so maybe only a few of the nights of that week are treated special. Just because it's not spontaneous, doesn't mean it won't be fun ;D

Thank you for the advice

glamakitti · February 2016

BornReady said:

I have been where you are my friend! When we first started TTC my DH was similar to yours. I think both of us were taken aback by the relatively small window of time that pregnancy is possible. The "best" thing for DH getting on board was how long it took us to conceive, over a year. After a few months without success I think he started to see things from my perspective a little more. Once we got into a routine with the whole TTC thing it got much more fun. I let DH know when we are in our window and in the morning while we're heading out to work, he'll say something like "we on for tonight" etc. That way we get to text each other through the day about it, think about it and build up some anticipation. I found that worked much better than springing it on him at the last minute before bed when we were both tired and I was anxious about potentially being turned down etc. Honestly, the whole process has actually been good for us. It's given us something that feels like we're in on our own secret project and forced us to seek more intimacy with one another. Moral of the story, planned sex can still be great sex.

Does DH get the timing needed for baby making sex? YouTube has a video called the Great Sperm Race, that does a good job explaining what great timing/luck it takes to actually be successful. Maybe you could send him the link if he's open to things like that. Otherwise, my biggest advice is to keep talking it out. Is he having reservations possibly about getting pregnant? Having a hard time with the loss?

Great advice, thank you

glamakitti · February 2016

catiecatp said:

I don't think that DH disliking SMEP means he isn't as on board with TTC as you are. My DH needs sex to feel spontaneous and sexy - otherwise one or both of us feels dissatisfied with the experience. I'm not a doctor or a therapist - but here are my thoughts. Maybe try to keep it seeming spontaneous for him while you know which days to target? And even if you do try to adhere to SMEP, don't point it out to him - let him try to forget about it. You have a short fertile window that you are super aware of, but so long as one of you is aware of the window you have a shot. Some men are going to be super interested and engaged with knowing their wife's temperature and CM and... others aren't. My DH isn't, and sometimes it makes me feel like he's less invested in having children - so we periodically have discussions to reassure me, but it can be tough because I get emotional and it is hard to have a productive discussion when emotional - but I think he's 100% invested, just invested in a different way.

Thank you for your insight. I think I will keep any plans or techniques to myself and make DH just think it's his lucky day

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