December 2015 Moms
ATolentino89
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My mouth will end my marriage. (Long)
ATolentino89
member
So I complain about my SO a lot. I am upset that he doesn't seem to have a strong connection to our son, I feel like I do most of the taking care of our son and I feel disrespected when he doesn't help out with the daily house cleaning like he used to. He tends to check out and dick around on his phone for hours when he gets home and if/when I do give him our son to look after and he starts crying (the baby, not husband) DH won't do much to help smooth him so he ends up holding a screaming/crying baby in one arm and his phone in his other hand. Everytime I confront him about this he raises his voice and says he's trying. (Baby doesn't seem to see dad as a soothing presence) So I feel like DH is trying to continue with his pre-baby life and let me handle everything else (groceries, laundry,house cleaning) because his job and school are more important than mine. Well, trying to talk to him is like talking to a brick wall and I need to "watch my attitude" so I usually just hold it in until I break and lash out. Today I told him that my attitude stems from other things like the fact that I do most of the care for the kid. He lost it. He was pissed.
Maybe be he will end up realizing that I'm right and he should step up all the time instead of when it's convenient for him. The days he helps it's mostly great. He will cook dinner but leave me with dishes, bath time, and bed time.
I understand that he is stressed (finances, no sense of accomplishment, no feeling of self worth) but I am really getting tired of trying to be happy enough for the both of us. And if I mention counseling/ depression he just states he's not depressed and doesn't need it. ( Afghan war vet, avid gun lover, PTSD verified)
Its just frustrating that the only time he seems to actually hear me is when I'm pissed off and yelling or when I say he doesn't help with his kid. I know I hit a nerve since his fear is to be his dad who wasn't there for him. But I just said what I saw. Holding your kid for and hour while your wife makes dinner or tries to get ready for work doesn't feel like being an active part in the Childs life right now.
It seems like me stating what I feel and being angry will make my husband leave.
Maybe be he will end up realizing that I'm right and he should step up all the time instead of when it's convenient for him. The days he helps it's mostly great. He will cook dinner but leave me with dishes, bath time, and bed time.
I understand that he is stressed (finances, no sense of accomplishment, no feeling of self worth) but I am really getting tired of trying to be happy enough for the both of us. And if I mention counseling/ depression he just states he's not depressed and doesn't need it. ( Afghan war vet, avid gun lover, PTSD verified)
Its just frustrating that the only time he seems to actually hear me is when I'm pissed off and yelling or when I say he doesn't help with his kid. I know I hit a nerve since his fear is to be his dad who wasn't there for him. But I just said what I saw. Holding your kid for and hour while your wife makes dinner or tries to get ready for work doesn't feel like being an active part in the Childs life right now.
It seems like me stating what I feel and being angry will make my husband leave.
Re: My mouth will end my marriage. (Long)
What I had to do with hubby was talk to him but be conscious of my wording. I'd telling him things like that I felt unsupported, that doing so much was leaving me exhausted and I felt it was making my own mental health suffer. I acknowledge he was struggling and was stressed, that I wanted to help him as much as I could (if he'd let me) but that I needed his help to. It's a partnership which means helping each other.
Maybe if he won't talk to you, suggest he get out where he can get a break but that he needs to come home and be present when he's there. Hubby found the VFW helpful for a while and they helped him get things moving with the VA hospital. He also worked with a lot of other exmilitary that were supportive so when he'd have issues at work there was always someone he could talk to.
I only mention the PTSD part because I think it's what has contributed to him shutting down. I'm honestly not trying to use it as an excuse. He wasn't like this before so it's so upsetting to see the man that I married (post deployment) is not the man I have today. His emotions are anger filled. It seems to have just compounded over the years and he won't get any frigging help.
I did go to the VA with hubby when he was initially valuated and they explained there are different types of responses to it. One is withdrawal. Hubby did this the worst during my first pregnancy and just completely shut down.
I mentioned your post to him and he said unfortunately nothing will happen until he realizes for himself it's a problem. For hubby it was Fourth of July during my first pregnancy. Then one night when DS's sudden crying woke him up and I found him bent over the kitchen sink in tears. He said then that he needed help but I wish he hadn't had to hit that low for it to happen.
It is frustrating. We got married post deployment as well and he wasn't like this immediately. He went through readjustment but that seemed normal. Stuff like remembering he didn't need to suddenly change lanes without signaling going under an overpass. But he gets stressed and shuts down and becomes this stranger.
After he started looking into getting help I started sharing with him things I'd noticed. He hadn't even known it was as bad as it'd gotten. Sometimes I would just ask "is there a reason you do this?" He wouldn't have noticed he even did it. I don't know if he was having nightmares but he also wasn't aware that for a lot time he'd talk and thrash in his sleep.
I think they figure out how to survive and get by and part of that is denial. No one wants to feel that broken. And I'm sorry if I'm rambling but this is something that I've really never had the chance to talk about.
The way I've seen him sometimes has absolutely broken my heart and I want so badly to protect him from that. Then it's made me overly sensitive to the things I know are triggers for him to the point of causing anxiety for me. Last Fourth of July I was so worried about him with the fireworks that when they started I was the one that snapped. This year we agreed to get one of those signs saying a combat veteran lives here.
Then I start to relax and something does happen to set him off. Like being able to go out for a while without event and suddenly being stuck in the middle of a crowded store with him looking panicked and telling me we need to leave. Some of it I can deal with. I learned how to calm him in his sleep and then he figured out he needs noise. Now he sleeps with ear buds listening to documentaries on his phone. He says the voices make him feel he isn't alone so he feels safer.
Most times it's just too unpredictable and I don't know what to do. I support his wish not to take medications and see how hard he's working at it. Then other times I feel so helpless and frustrated that I wish there was more and maybe occasionally meds would help, like when heshe hyperalert and pacing the apartment like a caged wild animal.
Anyway, no, you definitely aren't a crazy mean person. You're perfectly human. Any time you're feeling frustrated with it and need to vent or just want to talk I'm here.
but if you're in an undesirable situation try to stick it out. Because parenting young children, and teens for that matter, is very very stressful. And there is no good place to put that stress - except for that one person you CAN assign blame to - the other parent. This is just the way it is. Very few parents are good at remembering they are on the same team when they are tired, stressed, hungry, unshowered & neglecting themselves. If the other parent can- let's say - pee by themselves - you are enraged- but pick any example. Don't give up the ship! It will get better, they will figure it out, talk it out, get a third party- whatever it takes. Because marriage isn't easy - add to that a terrible thing like ptsd- or generalized anxiety or depression- and it can feel like too much. Like it'd be easier on your own - and maybe it would be - I don't know- I just know that my dh & I have been on the brink a few times & im so glad we never followed through.
Take a break, go stay with friends, do whatever you need to. Keep talking, know you are not alone.
Babies are also cause high stress to relationships. It's normal for mom and dad to be stressed out, sleep deprived, feeling resentful and to seriously re-evaluate their life/relationship. You can see how many folks here are in similar situations with their marriages. I think our society doesn't really prep anyone for the realities of having a baby. We're spoonfed stories of how "good" women and "good" moms rock all natural unmedicated births, bond instantly with these gooey creatures that just steam rolled through our reproductive organs and instantly bounce back into our roles at home, in our marriages and at work all while seamlessly juggling nursing/bottle feeding, sleep deprivation and all of the soul crushing worry and guilt that is suddenly (and unexpectedly) dumped on your plate the instant you crapped out this tiny, vulnerable little screaming thing. No one really talks about how you don't always instantly fall in love with your baby or how suddenly your relationship with your husband has changed in ways (both good and bad) neither one of you were prepared to deal with or how you still have crazy hormones to deal with and its not necessarily PPD but you feel like a crazy person.
I I suggest asking your husband, with no frustration or anger in your voice, for twenty minutes of his time without his phone on him so you can talk about areas you feel frustrated. Then give him the opportunity to do the same. I know that's easier said than done. Or maybe suggest he contact an old military buddy to discuss his feelings/frustrations with.
I hope things get better for you soon. Some things will get easier as the baby gets older, at the very least.
I really want want to go to the VA with all the resources but it's an hour away from where we live. And the nearest VFW actually closed.
If you have private insurance that would cover it, seeing someone through county mental health or private practice might be an alternative. They wouldn't have the same experience but it would beat that long a drive on such a frequent basis.