Dealing with the urgency

BornReady · January 2016

I think one of the biggest things I struggle with in this whole TTCAL process if the sense of urgency I feel about getting pregnant again. Whether it's my age, my husband's age, or how I inch towards my expected due date for this loss, I keep trying to slow my brain down and focus on the present. For those of you that can relate, what have you been doing to be more present minded? I need new ideas!

Personally, I do lots of mindfulness thinking when I'm getting to into my head. I also like to be outside, which really keeps me focused on the moment, feeling the sun, wind, cold etc. I also find my husband really calming, he is super intellectual and can be so zen about this stuff, he definitely "talks me down" when I get a little crazy.

Stuuuaaart · January 2016

Have you tried exercise? It always helps me. Getting away and going to gym has been a good escape for me.
Just so that you know you are not alone, I'm in the same boat. This has been at tough week. We have a 3 yr old, had a MC in June. We have been trying again since October. I'll be 37 in April and DH just turned 44 so I understand urgency.
My due date was supposed to be this weekend, Feb 1. In addition to dealing with the sadness of that, I'm also expecting my Period on Sunday. I'm so hoping that I'm actually pregnant this time. I think it will help with dealing with the due date.
Good luck to you.

catiecatp · January 2016

Oh goodness ladies, I'm in the same boat and I'm only on my first AF after my MC. We aren't super old per say, but we've delayed children for my education for years and now that we're trying I feel stalled. Part of it is that my parents were older when they had me (mom was 40, dad was 52 - I was his 1st biological child, her 5th) and it has changed the course of my life (for good and bad). As I type this I think maybe I feel time pressure from my mother's age more than my own (my dad passed away 3.5 years ago)...

Strategies are hard - DH is more calm about TTCAL, I certainly think about it more than he does. But he works hard to be a good compliment to my emotions - so he balances me. Exercise is great for me - as is knitting and spinning (though I've tended towards knitting baby knits - I've done that for over a year now). Could you plan a trip or weekend getaway (maybe out in nature so you get that benefit you mentioned)? Maybe cultivate a hobby? You could take a look at a website called Craftsy - they have a bunch of online classes (baking, scrap booking, quilting, crochet, spinning...) that you take at your own pace, with amazing instructors (who tend to be experts in the field) - and a question forum where you get answers from the instructors. You sign up and get unlimited lifetime access - so you pay per class not by month (Creative Bug is pay per month I think).

strickland8052 · January 2016

@bornready - I'm sorry you are going through this too. I feel the same way, and I was actually just talking about this to DH and my mom over the weekend. We are fairly young and I got my BFP during our first cycle of trying, but I still feel this huge rush to get KU again. I'm tired of being sad about it, and I just want to hurry up and have a baby so that I don't have to worry about emotional breakdowns on the EDD, anniversary, etc. Also, my best friend is KU, so I feel pressure to get pregnant before her shower and before her DD, since I know those will cause me sadness as well. We were so excited about being pregnant together, and I still have hope that we can be KU together for at least a couple of months.

I'm not sure if I have much to offer in terms of coping mechanisms. I started taking an improv class earlier this month, and I feel like it helps somewhat. It is so much fun, and improv is all about living in the moment and not planning too much ahead. It is also something that I know probably won't be possible once a LO comes, so I feel like I'm making the most of my childless life. Since my class started, I've found that the class keeps me happy for about half the week and then I have a complete crash and go back to an anxiety/depressive state. I've found a community acupuncture program that is towards the other end of the week, so I'm hoping that will keep me stable once the happiness from my improv class wears off. This board and the TTGP board have also helped me, as it somehow makes me feel like I'm marching forward with one cycle day at a time towards a BFP.

DinosaurJumper · January 2016

@strickland8052 An improv class? That must be so fun! I love to watch Whose Line, and improv in general, but man am I bad at it lol

@BornReady I completely understand the sense of urgency with hurrying to get pregnant again before I go crazy. My last miscarriage was almost two years ago, and even though the OB recommended three cycles, I started trying immediately after. I thought that if I got pregnant again, that I would feel better, and I probably would have. But life didn't share my plans. We took a break after awhile to get myself back to normal, mentally and physically, and we started trying again four or five months later. I assumed that I would get pregnant right off the bat, I hoped before the doomed due date, but I believe I stressed myself out too much. Looking back now I can see that the entire year after we started TTCAL I was extremely depressed and stressed. I believe that was the cause of my short LP for that entire year. My LP went from a regular 14 or 15 days to less than 11 days. I've been working on de-stressing lately and my LP is hoping between 12 days and 14 days. I'm still depressed, but I have been trying harder to stay grounded.

Some things I do to stay pleasantly in the present is yardwork. Lol I love the feel of mud on my feet and dirt under my fingernails. I live in the southwest so our winters are very mild and I can plant about ten months out of the year. Planting is fun and then watering those little plant babies after work is so relaxing and rewarding for me

Another thing is taking care of my furbabies. I have an outdoor cat, two outdoor bunnies, and two spoiled rotten puppies. When I started to get down the other night, I got up and went to give my bunny his medicine. It took awhile (Little guy doesn't like his PINA COLADA flavored medicine

) and when I was done, I felt better and played fetch and tug-a-war with my puppies for a good hour. I hope you can find something that can keep you happy on your journey

))

chloe97 · January 2016

I just want to say same here. All of it- our age (36 and 35), our parents' age and health (my dad is not well), dealing with the emotional issues of dealing with annivesaries, etc. A not so great friend and my coworkers wife both share my old due date, so it's not like I'm going to be able to ignore babies around that time. My good friend who is now on her 7th pregnancy with 1 living child. I'm really happy for her that things are going well and she's been very great at helping me through my MC so I'm trying to support her through what she's going through. She sent me her 8wk, 5 day us picture last week (the day my baby stopped growing) and I wanted to puke. I didn't expect to be so upset by it. I want to hurry up and get pregnant so that her pregnancy milestones don't upset me so much.

As far as trying to stop wishing time away- I've really gotten in to books and movies and Netflix. My therapist has me meditating and acupuncture helps. I like focusing on how much$$ H and I are saving by not having to pay for child care or a bigger house, and connecting with childless friends while getting drinks while I still can. In my head, I have the age of 40 in my head. I know that I can and have confidence that I will complete my family by then. I just need to get through the next 3.5 years and roll with the punches, whatever might come.

ThePax89 · January 2016

I want to pick right up where I left off. For me, I'm occupying my time trying to find a new ob/re and focus on trying to make something meaningful from my bubs lives. Like something tangible. I'm making a memory box with their names on it.

EALasagna45 · January 2016

First time posting in TTCAL, but while I'm not super young, I totally relate to how you feel. After my MC I felt this urgency and pressure to get pregnant immediately. My EDD was days after my birthday

Honestly one of the best things I've done is pick up some adult coloring books. For whatever reason the half an hour or so I try to put away to do it each night really calms and distracts me. I feel so more relaxed. Best wishes for you @BornReady

silentP · January 2016

Yessss, a thousand times yes. It can downright consume me sometimes. I do my best to focus on all the great things that I currently have going for me, trying really hard not to do the math in my head about how old I will be, how many years apart my children will be, but I don't always succeed. I was obsessing over the fact that I turned 33.5 yesterday.

Exercise helps, talking it out helps, taking it day by day helps. I wish I had better advice! My mantra lately is, "Some things are worth the wait." Corny, but I think it's true.

Aera11 · January 2016

Ugh, yes yes yes! I put away my pregnancy/baby books and anything else reminding me of this last loss (1.5.16), but it's still all I can think about! The sane-reality-living me knows that it could take many cycles before I get another BFP...but the oh-so-hopeful, I need.a.baby.NOW me, thinks and seriously hopes it will happen ASAP and stick. I just had a good friend tell me she is pregnant with her second and she is due a few days before my July due date... even though I was happy for her and sad for me, I instantly wanted to move past this sadness and look ahead to my rainbow baby.

I agree with PP, working out, even just walking is a great distraction. Every morning I take 5-10 minutes to read a few positive affirmations and remind myself of things I am thankful for; it starts my day off on the right foot. I am also trying to focus on doing things for others. It's hard, because when you're hurting and feeling down, it's hard enough to lift yourself up, but if you can do something kind or thoughtful for someone else needing it, it's amazing what that can do for your soul

BornReady · January 2016

Thanks ladies! What great ideas! I'm going with planning some trips/day trips and maybe taking up some crafting as my next step. Such a long, strange trip this whole TTCAL process is.

glamakitti · January 2016

The urgency is real! My goodness if I could conceive a baby by myself right now, I'd do it. I think my urgency stems from already having a near 6 year old child and my DH complete lack of urgency or fore thought in just about anything. I get my comfort from talking to ladies such as yourself who have been through the same experience as me because frankly no one else has a clue. Hang in there we will succeed! B

Wishilivedinflorida · January 2016

I always feel the urgency. Part of this stems from the fact that I am now 30, delayed TTC for grad school and homebuying, and just feel like I'm SO OLD. I'm the last of my inner friend circle to not have kids. I know I'm not old, but it weighs on me. It was a huge blow to conceieve right away and have a loss. My friend just shared her news of a second pregnancy that is due a month from what would have been my EDD and it's so hard not to be bitter. I don't want to compare myself to my friends, but can't help it. Plus the inlaws are now 60, not getting any younger...ugh! I've been booking my social calendar up lately, taking some knitting classes, and keeping up with medical literature for my job. I also put myself on a bible reading and journaling plan and I have found it very calming. It's all about distraction and stress relief for me! I've been less and less stressed lately but I'm sure this feeling won't go away until I have a baby in my arms.

RiverSong15 · January 2016

I feel the same way. I'm not AMA yet, but we want to leave the possibility open for more than one kid, so I feel the time pressure. I have a really hard time turning off my brain, so books and movies/TV only work for me if I'm REALLY into them. Otherwise my mind wanders. I find that physical activities that require mental focus work best for me. Knitting in the evenings helps because I need to focus on what I'm doing. Sports like skiing help too because I have to focus on the here and now or risk hurting myself - especially when my friends drag me onto difficult slopes

BooksForMe23 · January 2016

Yes! I agree with all of this! Also, why do cycles have to be so dang long? I wish I knew instantly if I was KU or not, and I could try again immediately. This waiting 30-35 days every time sucks.

SuperKristy85 · January 2016

I don't have much advise that hasn't already been mentioned but I feel the exact same way! After our mc I even told my husband that I didn't want to tell anyone it even happened until after we got pregnant again. I feel like sometimes it consumes me and it's all that I can think about.

megsbrock · February 2016

My urgency was at its peak after my first loss, and since then lessening....slowly but surely. I stress "slowly".

I think each month that passes where it doesn't happen (or it doesn't stick) I end up a little bit stronger simply because I'm starting to learn how much this really is out of my control. That fact does make me angry and depressed though because like all of us I want so desperately to control this.

I guess what I'm saying is my waves of urgency are smaller and less frequent.

Ask me this question when I'm trying for the last cycle that will give me a 2016 due date and I'll probably be total opposite, in panic. As the due date years change it really gets to me for some reason. I think it's knowing friends and family with babies in that year and wishing mine would have been growing up right along side them.

chloe97 · February 2016

@megsbrock That is good insight. I'm still pretty new to all of this, but what's struck me is how much it still can hurt 2 months later. For a few reasons, I didn't have a ton of hope for this cycle, but the first BFN at DPO 11 hurt way worse than I ever expected. I'm a planner, I hate planning now because I have no idea what to expect. I don't want to plan to be pregnant at my friends wedding this summer because what if I'm not or am going through another loss. It just all sucks so much.

RiverSong15 · February 2016

megsbrock said:

My urgency was at its peak after my first loss, and since then lessening....slowly but surely. I stress "slowly".

I think each month that passes where it doesn't happen (or it doesn't stick) I end up a little bit stronger simply because I'm starting to learn how much this really is out of my control. That fact does make me angry and depressed though because like all of us I want so desperately to control this.

I guess what I'm saying is my waves of urgency are smaller and less frequent.

Ask me this question when I'm trying for the last cycle that will give me a 2016 due date and I'll probably be total opposite, in panic. As the due date years change it really gets to me for some reason. I think it's knowing friends and family with babies in that year and wishing mine would have been growing up right along side them.

I struggle with this too. I have two more cycles before I hit 2017 due dates, and I think that will hit me pretty hard. H and I had some long term life plans for things we wanted to do in 2017, and I always thought we'd have a toddler by then. Oh well.

silentP · February 2016

RiverSong15 said:

megsbrock said:

My urgency was at its peak after my first loss, and since then lessening....slowly but surely. I stress "slowly".

I think each month that passes where it doesn't happen (or it doesn't stick) I end up a little bit stronger simply because I'm starting to learn how much this really is out of my control. That fact does make me angry and depressed though because like all of us I want so desperately to control this.

I guess what I'm saying is my waves of urgency are smaller and less frequent.

Ask me this question when I'm trying for the last cycle that will give me a 2016 due date and I'll probably be total opposite, in panic. As the due date years change it really gets to me for some reason. I think it's knowing friends and family with babies in that year and wishing mine would have been growing up right along side them.

I struggle with this too. I have two more cycles before I hit 2017 due dates, and I think that will hit me pretty hard. H and I had some long term life plans for things we wanted to do in 2017, and I always thought we'd have a toddler by then. Oh well.

I relate to this so, so much. What helps though is just imagining being pregnant for a good part of 2016, even if that means a 2017 due date.

My original due date is tomorrow and instead of having a baby, I'm having my teeth cleaned

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