Convincing Circumcised Husband that we should NOT circumcise if we have a boy....

mjpatzwa · January 2016

I have read so much about this and am firmly against circumcising unless medically necessary later on in life. BUT, my DH is circumcised and firmly believes that we SHOULD circumcise. Anyone have any experience with this in past pregnancies or already discussing?

RedMar · January 2016

This should be fun...

camichael84 · January 2016

My thought exactly, @redmar

PSUBecky23 · January 2016

Not going to stress about it until we know the sex.

noelani42 · January 2016

Have you asked him why he feels so strongly? He is a man, so he has a bit of a different perspective than you

Beegey33 · January 2016

DH is not circumcised but if we have a boy he would like them to be circumcised. I think he always wanted to be growing up. He was the different one in the locker room. So maybe he feels like if he has a son he would do it to make them feel more comfortable. Young girls can also be cruel, I am sure he had his fair share of fears when it came to sexual experiences as a teen. Not that these are reasons to do it or not but we all know growing up and being different from all your friends can be rough.

seifchri · January 2016

My DH was the exact same way with our first. At the end of the day he convinced me that circumcision was what was best for DS for similar reasons to what PP mentioned. It was the first of many parenting decisions where we were on different pages and had to work together to come to an agreement. Try not to stress too much, you and DH will work together and figure out what's best for your family!

homebird · January 2016

I decided with DS that it's not my hill to die on. I had my preference but had to compromise with DH because he felt strongly about it.

Thurstobertay · January 2016

This should be fun, but I'll bite. With the disclaimer that different people have different opinions that are equally valid, do what's right for your child and your situation, no judgment here, etc. etc. badda-boop yada-yada. My husband is circumcised and my two sons are not.

I framed the conversation in a way that made it clear that nothing was based on me liking or not liking my husband's penis. If I weren't fond of said penis, we wouldn't be in a situation where we'd have to discuss circumcision, right?
Just because something is tradition doesn't make it inherently right or relevant to today.
Lack of consent. We have to make tough choices for our kids all the time, some borne out of situations of medical necessity, but I don't feel there's enough evidence for me to include circumcision in the necessity category.
To my previous point, I work in tech, I'm not a medical professional, and I know this isn't my area of expertise. I have to gather my information on this topic from people and sources who are experts in this area, such as the pediatrician (who went into the pros and cons with me, but said if I don't have a strong personal opinion about it myself don't bother) and the AAP. Professional health organizations haven't recommended circumcision as a routine procedure since the 1970s.
Might, maybes, could-be: my sons very well could have medical issues down the line that necessitate circumcision, but I can't predict the future and we don't have a medical history that strongly implicates urinary problems. You can't undo the procedure and the "what-ifs" aren't enough to point me in that direction.
Emotionally and viscerally, I can't deal with the idea of my baby's genitals being manipulated.

mjpatzwa · January 2016

Totally understand! We are planning being surprised, so we probably made it more difficult on ourselves

CoffeeBeanFiend91 · January 2016

You've got a lot of time to hash it out. DH is cut but if we have a boy he will not be. Share some fascinating (although bizzare) facts on why boys have been getting circimsized. With the exception of the Jewish faith of course. Science has taught us in recent years all the beliefs that uncircumsized penises are dirty, prone to infection, and so on and so fourth are false. Now I'm no "intactivist." Your families choice is your choice so you won't here any critical BS from me. I would just share some info with him without being aggressive about it.

*edit because words are hard today

0SeaMonkey0 · January 2016

This is a tough one. In our family, I left the decision completely with my husband. It helped that I didn't have a strong opinion one way or another, but I also didn't feel like I could fully understand the social, emotional and sexual implications of the decision and he was comfortable making the decision for our son. We were lucky that we at least both agreed that this was a decision he was better equipped to make.

All I can say is that, while your opinions are based on logic and research, his feelings are probably more deep rooted. They may not be as logical, but they will be deeply held. My personal opinion is that this is one decision that the father needs to be fully on board with and feel comfortable with. That doesn't mean he has to get his way, but he has to feel comfortable with the final decision.

It can be a really difficult decision though, so maybe try to hold off having it out until you know for sure you're having a boy

KimmySchmidt · January 2016

This is one parenting decision where I defer almost completely to my husband, as he is a greater penis expert than I.

vampirina · January 2016

I feel like this isn't something you should "convince" him of. Have an honest discussion about it. If you don't reach a resolution, have another honest discussion about it.

I personally don't really have strong feelings so I referred to DH's preference. But really this is one of those parenting decisions that need to be made jointly. So instead of going on the attack, listen to his thoughts and feelings on the topic and try to reach a mutual agreement.

Alyeena · January 2016

I never understood why parents feel like they have the right to make a decision like that for a child... It is an irreversible and medically unnecessary procedure (in most cases, if it is medically necessary then of course it's natural).

But in any other case, personal preference, religion... I think parents should not have the right to make that decision.

AnnaS930 · January 2016

It's way too early for this. I feel strongly in favor of circumcision for many reasons but will never doubt a parent who makes the educated decision not to do so. It's not a topic to convince one another on, you have to fully agree.

HaidensMom96 · January 2016

I left that choice to my husband with our first. And we did decided to do it. I don't regret it and never will. If we have anothe boy it will be left to my husband to decided . .. which I obviously know what he's going to say lol.

miam4 · January 2016

When I was pregnant with DD I was sure she was going to be a boy and we started to debate about it.
DH is not and he said we will not do it if we get a boy.
I will ask the pediatrician for her medical opinion... otherwise, I guess who has the peepee makes the decision lol

lovelylauren86 · January 2016

Confession: I just googled "uncircumcised penis" because I've never seen one

diagonalley · January 2016

Alyeena said:
I never understood why parents feel like they have the right to make a decision like that for a child... It is an irreversible and medically unnecessary procedure (in most cases, if it is medically necessary then of course it's natural).

But in any other case, personal preference, religion... I think parents should not have the right to make that decision.

I make decisions about my son all the time. It's called parenting, and that is why I have the right to make them. Also, I have a friend who didn't have her son circumcised but then he ended up needing one (I forget why) so it was medically necessary. She felt guilty for not having done it when he was younger and it would have been far less traumatic. I by no means care what other people choose to do, your first comment just rubs me the wrong way.

618mom22boys · January 2016

All 3 of my boys have been circumcised. I pretty much let my husband make that choice which wasn't hard since he is circumcised.

TMI: A LONG time ago I had sex with an non circumcised guy and it ripped!

noelani42 · January 2016

TMI: My husband's father was uncircumcised and at age 21, had a major infection and had to get it circumcised....the doctors told him it happened often with uncircumcised men, which is why he decided to have his sons circumcised....it's also why my husband feels so strongly about having it done for his sons, and I feel his concerns are valid...

RedMar · January 2016

@618mom22boys whattttttt ripped?!!!

618mom22boys · January 2016

RedMar said:

@618mom22boys whattttttt ripped?!!!

Yeah it was not a pretty sight needless to say.

Sporty1216 · January 2016

Yikes, @618mom22boys ! That's crazy! And traumatizing for everyone, I bet.

When we found out we were having a boy, I discussed all of this with DH, but let him make the final choice. He chose to have ds circumcised and I'm find with that. We'll do it again if we have another boy.

Themaritimemama · January 2016

Confession: I've never seen a circumcised penis before.

My son is not, neither is my husband (or any family members as far as I am aware). I don't think it's as common in Canada? I could be wrong, but ya know.

I agree with PPs, it's a little early to discuss and decide at the moment, but in the end, I'm sure you two will figure out what works for you both. ☺️

jennlynn777 · January 2016

This post makes me laugh!I have literally no input except that we plan to if we have a boy. I didn't realize this is such an issue

marajay6 · January 2016

It seems that so many people here just let their husbands decide. I tried to do that when we found out that DS was a boy. My husband refused to make the decision on his own - we had to make the decision together.

Even though he is circumcised, he had an open mind about it - probably because one of his best friends had decided not to circumcise his son. As with any elective medical procedure, we wanted to believe that the benefits were greater than the risks/consequences. From the various articles and research we had read, we were not convinced that the benefits were worthwhile - it really seemed like a bit of a wash. We opted not to circumcise.

As for the original question - on how to get your husband to change his mind...I think you both need to decide to be open minded about it. Share articles that support your opinion and discuss the pros and cons. But you both need to be open minded.

AnnaS930 · January 2016

@diagonalley the comment really bothered me too. I typed up a few responses but they were all far too ragey, but I am 100% with you. Babies, children, he'll even most teenagers need us to make decisions for them.

@Themaritimemama there are definitely regional trends. I live in maine and I'd say it's more common to be circed in new England versus not. I've never seen an adult uncircumcised peen.

camichael84 · January 2016

@AnnaS930 I think it's more of an American thing in general (aside from religious reasons). Although, it is becoming increasingly popular to not circ here. I've never seen an uncircumcised adult penis (in person) either.

@jennlynn777 Circumcision has become a big hotbox debate everywhere (though this discussion has stayed tame and respectful). We often don't think anything about it in the US, but it is genital mutilation. I think points are valid on both sides of the argument, and that it's worth researching to make an informed decision.

Thurstobertay · January 2016

I don't know, I get the not making a decision argument.

There are decisions we have no choice but to make (feeding method, childcare, the carseats we buy, the pediatrician we see, etc. etc.) and there are others that we don't necessarily have to make on the child's behalf (circumcision, baptism, choice of sports/hobbies later on). Granted, indecision is still a decision toward doing nothing, but I consider it more of a deferral.

Different people are going to have different lines in the sand for where parental decision making stops and the child's choice/consent begins. No one way is more wrong or right than the other, it's just a matter of what you're comfortable with and how strongly you feel about the topic being decided upon.

SunnyWe · January 2016

Why don't you talk to a guy that was circumcised later in life before you decide? And is this really worth the fight with your husband if he feels so strongly about it?

To me this falls along the same lines of piercing a girl's ears at 3 mos. She could choose to do it later, or to never do it at all, but because of my background, it's something I'm probably going to do anyway to any girl I have.

mjpatzwa · January 2016

Thanks, everyone for all the insight. It's super interesting to hear everyone's perspective. To be fair, it's not really an "argument" in our house-- it's more of -- he knows that I really don't want to do it for a variety of reasons that include studies I have read, and personal-- I know that my mom chose not to circumcise my brother but due to a sports injury when he was five-- he ended up having to have it done (luck of the draw)-- so i know I'm not the first person to feel this way in my family. I might ask my mom when we tell her, if she would do it again if they had another boy to get her perspective having lived it....and I'm sure you can see how that side of the story doesn't really "help" my side when my husband hears about that poor trauma.

This will definitely be a discussion that we'll work on over the next few months, but he does seem to be coming to better understand my POV with the help of great article (https://beforeitsnews.com/alternative/2015/05/the-foreskin-why-is-it-such-a-secret-in-north-america-3148992.html).

My perspective is that, while I am a parent, I don't want to make any permanent body decisions that aren't medically necessary for my kid-- so, removing skin from genitals, ear piercing, etc., are not in the books for us. But, that does not mean that we judge anyone who does make those decisions for their children-- I'm just trying to show my thought process throughout this "journey"

Again, thanks for all your perspectives!

eboyd83 · January 2016

My husband is the first uncircumcised peter I've ever seen. If we have a boy we won't. He feels so strongly about it he will take me naming rights lol. Ridiculous. But I'm okay with that. Okay with not doing it I mean. We agree on name choices lol.

TeacherMama7 · January 2016

I let my husband decide about this issue. Since he's a man, I thought it was right that he decide this for our son.

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