Pregnant after TTTC/Infertility: pissy

MrsAlT68 · January 2016

DH and I tried for 16 mos before conceiving, we still have no idea how we did it. We were in the middle of our fertility testing (and it wasn't looking good) and had an appointment with a fertility clinic. We are of course, ESTATIC, and I cant even imagine the feeling for any of you women who had been trying for years and/or went through and ART. I guess I always thought that the struggle would be over the second we got pregnant, but I'm finding that some of that pain is sticking with me, mostly in still being pissed at the people who got pregnant before me. I have around 7 friends and family members that conceived while we were trying, a rather large amount of them by accident. You all of course know how difficult it is to deal with at the time, but even now I'm somehow still mad about it. I hate that they got the attention first, that I'm just "another" or the "next" pregnancy, that they got ALL the hand-me-downs from older cousins/friends. That they want to talk about it and tell you stories and I'm sure be perfectly wonderful supportive people, but I cant help but feeling like "your not the expert just because you happened to get pregnant first" especially when I have had all of this time to prepare. Its like I'm insulted when they try to tell me something, like "yeah I know, it may be my first rodeo but I didn't just sign up yesterday!" I know I'm being silly, but its still how I feel and I've been quite surprised by it. Anyone else out there dealing with anything like this?

bananers · January 2016

Not exactly, but kinda similar. We have had two losses and I always feel a little ragey when people do early announcements or go out and buy baby furniture in the first tri, etc. Deep down I think I'm just jealous of the naivety because we've been robbed of that. And while I'd never wish a loss on my worst energy sometimes I just want to shake people who have had it easy.

When the road to motherhood has been rocky, emotions are complex.

tmk0325 · January 2016

@MrsAlT68 I think you have every right to be pissy! I would be!

We weren't using fertility treatments but we were somewhat trying for a year and a half before we got a positive test (I say somewhat because I traveled for work and wasn't always available) and my brother and SIL went off the pill and was pregnant within the first month of trying. She had a very easy pregnancy and an even easier happy baby. It's hard for me not to be a little jealous of that! on SOs side of the family there were two pregnancies announced before ours, so ours was the 'oh another one' this year... I feel you!

SkiChic626 · January 2016

I went thru IVF to conceive our DD and my current pregnancy is a FET. To this day I still get pissed and jealous of people who announce pregnancies. Not here, but when I see it on facebook or other places I'm like "wtf" under my breath. I can't explain it, it just is. I think it's normal. But that's great that you didn't end up needing any interventions - celebrate that for sure!!!

Edit: I just wanted to add that when DD was 6 weeks old my SIL and MIL waltzed into my house while I was home with DD without DH around, and announced my my SIL was pregnant with #2. Great, fine, whatever. But then she proceeded to ask me for all my baby stuff.....ummm my DD was SIX WEEKS OLD, we're kinda still using it - go away. And THEN, my MIL kept going on and on about how she needs to be careful because Jenny (name changed to protect the innocent) gets pregnant so easily and the first try when she goes off birth control. Seriously?!?!? At that point I actually said, "Well, that must be really nice..." And she kinda went red and didn't know what to say. But really, you're saying that in from of your DIL who you know just went thru IVF after 16 months of trying and who's baby is now only 6 weeks old...the wounds are still fresh dude. And I can't tell you how many times she would say that about her getting pregnant so easily in front of me even after that. I finally had to tell DH he needed to say something because even if it wasn't directly at me, it was hurtful and made me feel bad and inadequate every time she would bring it up for absolutely no reason. Anyway, I'm not sure if this was relevant to your post, but this whole thread made me think of it and I felt that it was just another example of how I totally get how open those wounds are, even after you have you sweet baby in your arms.

ThisisNumber3 · January 2016

bananers said:

Not exactly, but kinda similar. We have had two losses and I always feel a little ragey when people do early announcements or go out and buy baby furniture in the first tri, etc. Deep down I think I'm just jealous of the naivety because we've been robbed of that. And while I'd never wish a loss on my worst energy sometimes I just want to shake people who have had it easy. When the road to motherhood has been rocky, emotions are complex.

Exactly. After two losses, I just can't imagine staring at a room of nursery furniture.

kattyleigh · January 2016

I'm with @bananers. After losses I sometimes have to remind myself that the timing in my life must just have been wrong, a plan I am not in control of. Whether you're religious or not, all I can think is there's a reason we are due in August and not prior.

MrsB444 · January 2016

We tried to conceive for six years. I was so angry and I'm embarrassed to admit I'd have to physically drag myself to friends baby showers and act excited for them. I am now 10 weeks pregnant and for me the anger is gone. I'm just so ecstatic to FINALLY be pregnant. I'm definitely guilty of early announcement but I feel as though I was walking on air and I even catch myself finding a way to tell random strangers in the grocery store I'm expecting.

But after six years, 6 rounds of clomid, 4 rounds of iui, acupuncture & countless holistic treatments (none of which worked and we wound up convincing naturally!) I've decided to just allow myself to be excited....even obnoxious lol. (Sorry!)

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope you are able to let go of the anger. I know it's hard.

riveridgional · January 2016

What you're feeling is completely normal. There was another post on here last month from a girl who felt very similar. I believe it was titled "just another pregnant girl". You may want to search for it. It took me 20 months for my first ever BFP, and I had success on my last shot at injectables before moving on to IVF. While every pregnancy is beautiful, a miracle, and deserving of celebration, the wounds of infertility run deep and take a long time to heal (still hoping they heal). It's only natural to still feel the same pain, jealousy and bitterness at a pregnancy announcement. Afterall, it wasn't always only about the fact that you weren't pregnant during the announcements, the struggle and pain you deal with while others seem to have success so easily is what really makes it hurt and makes you exclaim "why am I going through this!?" It's very confusing to still feel the bitterness, anger, sadness, and jealousy that comes with pregnancy announcements, but it does get better with time. One of my friends just told me she's pregnant with her 2nd. She is literally 2/2 on attempts at pregnancy: pregnant after the first month trying each time. For the first time, I felt nothing but happiness for someone in their pregnancy. 3 months ago, her announcement would have probably sent me into depression for at least 3 days. Of course, I told her, I'm so glad I'm pregnant now cause I would be hating you right now!

Also, I'm really not trying to offend anyone when I say this, but I strongly feel that my pregnancy means so much more to me than to someone how got pregnant easily. I am in no way trying to belittle how anyone else feels about their pregnancy, but it is how I feel. I've prayed, cried, taken 100s of pills, shots, suppositories, etc. just to bring my chances of pregnancy to a normal couple's chances. You naturally want people to feel just as excited for you as you feel for yourself. To be honest with you, though, it's not possible for anyone to know or feel that way unless they've been through it or have really witnessed your struggle. It still doesn't take away frim the fact that you want the specialness and miracle of your pregnancy to stand out, and it's hard when you do feel like one among many. I thought this during my struggle and also now: seriously, is this the next baby boom? It seems like everyone is pregnant!

You already have such a different perspective on pregnancy and motherhood and the lense through which you will view symptoms and all that comes with pregnancy will be different. Personally, I'm loving every second. The first time I threw up, I started smiling and laughing. I mean, who does that!?

As you had to do during your infertility journey, just keep reminding yourself that no one (except those rare breeds) is intentionally trying to hurt your feelings or take away from what and how you are feeling. Your journey is not their journey.

I also struggled with the risk of MC to an extreme degree. After being so used to disappointment, it's sometimes difficult to accept that a happy, positive thing has happened, and I was literally terrified of how I would react to a loss. I'm finally starting to relax.

My deepest and most sincere congratulations to you!

JournoGrl23 · January 2016

Like the previous posters, I had a loss and it too makes me feel angry. Almost every woman on my Facebook announced a pregnancy while we were TTC and going through our loss. They all announced in the first tri and the worst one didn't even know she was pregnant until her stomach got big at 16 weeks, which is when she announced her pregnancy all giddy and happy wondering what's so hard about getting pregnant and going through early pregnancy because she didn't even notice. It sucks when you actually have to try to get pregnant and you see everyone around you getting pregnant so easily or on accident.

smilormarie · January 2016

15 months of trying for our first, no preventing after that, 2 fertility treatments once we got "serious" again and I'll always be guarded about my pregnancies and my struggles to conceive. Although we may be late to the game, we may just appreciate the whole experience a lot more. The ladies I know who got pregnant "accidentally" or didn't think it could happen so fast are the same ones to complain about how horrible pregnancy is. Infertility taught me to not complain about something that some women are trying so hard to achieve. Good luck!!

charmedlifex3 · January 2016

It "only" took us 8 months, but a large part of the process was getting healthy enough to GET pregnant. We started trying last spring... hoping for a honeymoon baby in August, and totally okay if I was unable to drink at my wedding! ... Wishful thinking.

A medical condition put me into the hospital, and on meds that forced us into TTA. I gained 20 lbs between May and August, and STILL couldn't drink at my wedding. It meant four rounds of steroids, several trips to a specialist 6 hours away, and finally the all clear - for right now UNLESS anything changes- then 4 months actively trying, and trying to maintain the status quo health wise, and heart break every time it was a BFN... because I may not be allowed to keep trying if I got sick again.

We were married in August, and wanted a little right away, (which we ended up with!) but the journey was rockier than we thought it would be. I'm incredibly grateful for our sticky bean, and people keep insisting "Oh, well of course you'll have more, this one needs a sibling!" - this is the comment I resent.

I just want to tell them... that may not be an option. Most people don't know what we went through to get this one, and only see that we were pregnant within a couple months of our wedding, so obviously we had an easy time of it. I really just want to enjoy what is likely my only pregnancy, focus on keeping healthy (or using natural pain relief management) to keep our little healthy.

@riveridgional That's exactly what I feel like. We've already been imagining this baby for a year, we had the nursery picked out last April, and have been dreaming of filling it ever since, but not knowing if we ever would. I took a VERY aggressive approach to treatment hoping we'd get a shot at this, and incredibly blessed it worked out, and we did, and conceived before I got sick again (If I do.) I spent months crying every night because the doctors weren't thinking I would be healthy enough to go off the meds for 9 months - and with side effects like spinal malformation and fetal death, getting pregnant ON the meds wasn't an option. Even more than I am excited - I'm grateful.

ThisisNumber3 · January 2016

Also just to add, I think it eases some once you have your baby in your arms. No one cares or talks about how long you tried or how you got pregnant then.

Of course there will always be those friends that say "Just you wait until....."

nellybellycat · January 2016

My 1st 2 pregnancies (this is my 3rd)ended in mmc. I completely get the 1st tri announcements and thinking of names, nurseries etc. i dont really get mad but I find myself thinking "must be nice to be so confident". So far this pg is going well, there was a heartbeat at 11weeks, im currently 12 weeks but my MIL and SIL both got pg very easy and had easy pg's. My MIL "just doesnt understand why I have mc's-shes just never heard of such a thing". Im now getting a lot of "you can relax now", "why havent you announced", " you dont seem happy enough", yada yada. My only experiences w/ being pg is miscarriage. I have the NT scan next week right when I hit 14 weeks. Ill tell friends and family as long as all goes well. But I HATE being told how I should feel. Im scared bc I DO want this.

fruitpudding1696 · January 2016

We tried for two years and had two losses. I completely understand how it feels when it seems like everyone else in your life is having an easier time getting pregnant. But what I hate the most is that some people think that they can't talk to you about their pregnancy. My sister got pregnant about a month after my last loss and she has yet to have one conversation about the baby around me (she's due next month). I've tried starting to talk about the baby but she changes the conversation right away. Since she got pregnant it's like she's angry with me (?). Sorry if I don't feel the need to apologize for not getting pregnant as easily as you sister.
Anyway, that's my rant for the day. I guess I in this case it's kind of the opposite of your problem but I know how it feels when it seems like everyone else gets more attention.

SkiChic626 · January 2016

nellybellycat said:

My 1st 2 pregnancies (this is my 3rd)ended in mmc. I completely get the 1st tri announcements and thinking of names, nurseries etc. i dont really get mad but I find myself thinking "must be nice to be so confident". So far this pg is going well, there was a heartbeat at 11weeks, im currently 12 weeks but my MIL and SIL both got pg very easy and had easy pg's. My MIL "just doesnt understand why I have mc's-shes just never heard of such a thing". Im now getting a lot of "you can relax now", "why havent you announced", " you dont seem happy enough", yada yada. My only experiences w/ being pg is miscarriage. I have the NT scan next week right when I hit 14 weeks. Ill tell friends and family as long as all goes well. But I HATE being told how I should feel. Im scared bc I DO want this.

Your MIL makes me want to TP her! Maybe if she took her head out of the sand and did a quick google search she'd learn that 30%, maybe more, of pregnancies end in miscarriage. 30%!!!!!! That's almost 1 out of every 3 lady! It infuriates me when people make ignorant comments like that.

nellybellycat · January 2016

Oh yea, shes a real peach. My husband and I have had several intense convos regarding her lack of perspective and being so comfortable giving her unnecessary opinions. Shes a teacher so I know she is aware of google

blond1230 · January 2016

The early announcements and furniture buying in the first trimester kill me. After two losses I am still so afraid I haven't even bought any maternity clothes. With my DS, we were pregnant a month after I went off the pill. This time, I haven't been on any BC for two years and we tried for over a year, with seven months of fertility treatment/meds/shots the whole gamut and then took a break before thanksgiving and boom, pregnant on our own. I am so sensitive to anyone else who announces or is pregnant bc I think deep down I feel so robbed of having that early excitement/worry free feeling I had with my DS, when everything was sunshine and rainbows. But being on both sides, I also remember how excited I was in my own happy little bubble and how I didn't realize the pain other people could be going thru til it happened to me. So if anything this has made me sensitive to what other people's journeys may be and hopeful that one day I can sit back and relax and let go of my frustration when I get closer and closer to my little one!

Ya Never Know · January 2016

While you never really forget how hard it was for you to achieve the dream of having a baby, I can say that those feelings will lessen a lot when you are holding your newborn baby. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, and while it took us a few years to conceive DD she was worth the wait, and the timing in our lives for her arrival could not have been any better. While it sucks sometimes that my friends lo's are a lot older than ours, we still have lots of fun and making new friends with same aged children has been great too.

DDRRT1982 · January 2016

I have had a 25 weeker, one chemical pregnancy, and one loss at eight weeks. My road in pregnancy hasn't always been the easiest. With that being said, I took on a very different perspective this go around. I shared my pregnancy early at six weeks with everyone knowing very well that I am very high risk for experiencing complications. I did this because after all I have experienced I realized I did most of it alone. It was very stressful during my second pregnancy to wonder when the appropriate time to buy stuff was since my previous pregnancy abruptly ended at 25 weeks. I was robbed of the joy and excitement of relishing in the fact that my body was doing what it needed to and that I was hopefully going to have my first full term baby. During my loss, I was very alone bc I hadn't told anyone. Nobody should loose a child and be alone. Maybe it is my age or the fact that this is my seventh pregnancy, but I don't want to act like everything is ok if something happens. I want my family and friends to know that I am struggling and that I might need time to grieve. God forbid nothing happens to this pregnancy, but if it did I will not be alone this time.

I respect all of your reservations and experiences. I am just taking on a different perspective this time around. This might be my last pregnancy, so I want to enjoy everything about it.

MrsAlT68 · January 2016

Wow, thank you all for sharing! I am so sorry so many of you have had to go through losses. I agree that it is definitely possible for us to appreciate our pregnancies so much more. I really hope to get to the point where I just don't even care about anyone else and I'm just so happy, I think its like @riveridgional said, we know this pregnancy is so special and just want everyone else to realize it too, but I guess how could they. I know my husband wants to respond to everyone's congratulations by saying "thanks, it was planned, it took a while" haha

riveridgional · January 2016

@MrsAlT68 Not gonna lie, I definitely throw in the "20 months' a charm" or "finally" when I tell some people. I do it partly because I selfishly want them to be even more excited for me and also because I don't want to unintentionally hurt someone who may be struggling in silence. A few weeks ago, a friend of a friend (I just met her earlier in the night) introduced me to her friend by way of announcing that I was pregnant. Let's just say I knew the look on that girl's face and the look she gave her husband. I wanted to find a way to work in the struggle but it was just impossible given the introduction and the fact I would have to almost yell it across a table of people occupied by other people I didn't really know. She got up and left shortly thereafter. My heart just ached for her, but I didn't know what to do. I thought about getting up and talking to her later but didn't know how to do that without making things awkward or uncomfortable, so I obviously just let it go. It took me a few days to stop feeling guilty over it.

ThisisNumber3 · January 2016

At 11 weeks I just bit the bullet and ordered some Gap/Old Navy maternity clothes. They will stay in the bag for a bit longer and DH will have to return them if we dont get good news next week.

Ceventa · January 2016

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for sharing your stories.

It took us a little less than a year to conceive DS. I was diagnosed with PCOS 4 months into TTC and from then on it was a series of tests and rounds of Clomid to conceive our little guy. During that time I was open with family and very close friends about our struggles with TTC. In the meantime it felt like everyone else around me was announcing pregnancies, which before TTC would make me beyond thrilled, and this time I found myself whimpering and forcing myself to smile.

Once we conceived DS, I had a new found appreciation for what a complete miracle it is to be pregnant and have a child. It also made me aware of the struggle of infertility and TTC, something I didn't have before. My mom had always told me how easy it was for her to get pregnant (granted she was 10 years younger than me at the time when she had me), so I automatically assumed I would be the same. Now I do not ask couples without children why they don't have children or if they are trying. If that is information they want to share with me that's fine, but the last thing I do is ask, because you never know who is struggling and/or suffering from a loss. It's a question that is invasive and should not be asked, at least that's my opinion.

With Baby #2 we were truly fortunate. I went off the pill and got pregnant without any intervention, which I did not expect after my experience with DS. All I kept telling DH was how beyond grateful I am and HAPPY.

Lots of love to all you ladies no matter how you conceived your LOs because it truly is a miracle.

misspuppychow · January 2016

My SIL conceived first and rubbed it in my face. She conceived her first cycle trying. We struggled with infertility, had to see a RE, and do infertility testing and interventions. Now we're both pregnant, but I get so irritated that she's ahead of me and experiencing all the milestones first. I know it is silly and irrational, but it really bothers me.

DDRRT1982 · January 2016

misspuppychow said:

My SIL conceived first and rubbed it in my face. She conceived her first cycle trying. We struggled with infertility, had to see a RE, and do infertility testing and interventions. Now we're both pregnant, but I get so irritated that she's ahead of me and experiencing all the milestones first. I know it is silly and irrational, but it really bothers me.

Your sister in law sounds like a bitch.

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