Monster in law!!!!

Re: Monster in law!!!!

• Huskerfanz member

  January 2016

  Cutting out is definitely not simple nor easy.
  
  I'm sorry they treat you all differently. There is some of that with my ILs too. It sounds like they live closer. Is some of the treatment because of that?
  
  I'd wait and see how they actually treat all of the grandkids before making any decisions.

  DS 9/2/13 was a BFP from an IUI!
  Triplets due 6/29/16 also from an IUI!
  
  

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• MsBeachNJ member

  January 2016

  I'm sorry to hear this and I understand being hurt, is it something that you would ever feel comfortable discussing with your MIL? Mentioning these things that are small (like the shirt for the BIL) instead of letting them build up to a big blow out in the future? Maybe just mention that you love them and want them to be a big part of you LO's life and you feel as though they aren't as excited or are treating you differently than the BIL & his wife? That it is important to you that they be around for the birth? May help to get it out in the air before the baby comes? 

  TTM - EDD 4/23 - Team Green  

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• ahernandez16 member

  January 2016

  Yeah, my H's stepmom sounds very similar. She likes to pretend she's his real mother (even tried to hijack his mother/son dance from his mom at our wedding) because she "raised him" but she treats him like shit. For example, on our wedding day, she shared a photo of her daughter who graduated LAST YEAR saying she couldn't believe it had been a year since she graduated and how proud she was of her. But nothing about her son getting married. Her daughter's pregnancy was chronicled on her Facebook about how excited she was for her. Us? Nothing. Again, I don't really want my kid broad casted on her FB for attention, which is what it'd be truly, but like you said, it's the principle.
  
  I can't stand her and I'd love to cut her out of our lives completely. H is on board as well but we've both agreed that we want our children to have experience with all of their grandparents and cutting her out means cutting his dad out. So we'll see. Unless she did something to harm my children or blatantly treated them differently than her other grand kids, I imagine we'll tolerate her for the sake of our kids. We live in the same town and maybe see them one or twice a month as it is now.
  
  I didn't have much to do with my paternal grandmother because her and my mother didn't get along at all. She died this last year and I felt a lot of resentment toward everyone for letting their bullshit get in the way of me having a relationship with my grandmother. Of course I'm not saying that would happen in your situation -- but that's what's prompted me to kind of stave off cutting my sMIL out of our lives completely before we have children. 

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• Huskerfanz member

  January 2016

  Also FWIW, my dad's parents clearly favor my cousins over me. I don't care. I'm very appreciative of my parents and especially my mom for letting me figure it out on my own and not bad mouthing them. I don't have a relationship with them but I'm glad I know who they are and have a relationship with other extended family.

  DS 9/2/13 was a BFP from an IUI!
  Triplets due 6/29/16 also from an IUI!
  
  

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• edeibel89 member

  January 2016

  @huskerfanz you're definitely right, they do live closer, and I do know that makes a big difference. But we live 35 mins versus 10 mins. And you make a very good point, I do need to wait and not freak out over something that hasn't officially happened yet. Thank you for the perspective

  @msbeachNJ, honestly she's the type that if you confront her, she will just act confused that she had done anything wrong and spin it so I'm being crazy. not to mention, it will then make rounds with the extended family. I want to say something, but I really need DH's support and I'm not positive I will have it.

  @ahernandez16 that's exactly how I feel. Both of my grandparents lived out of state and never made an effort to be a big part of our lives. My maternal grandmother didn't even come to our wedding, and she's the last living grandparent I have, plus she's older and may not see another grandchild married. it was very hard growing up while other kids talked about how wonderful their grandparents were, and just not having that relationship.

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• peaceinnature member

  January 2016

  It's easy to get mad about this kind of stuff for sure. SIL is the fav in our family and gets a lot of special treatment, but I recently decided it's a waste of energy to get mad about it. Which I've spent a lot of time doing over the years. So I'm trying not to keep score anymore and just be grateful for the fact that ILs love DS very much and want to be involved.
  
  Like you, I never cared about the things or the money, just the principle. Like buying a trip to Europe for her and taking her on tropical vacations and DH never getting to go to any of it. Or telling us we can't use the beach house because SIL wants it, etc. It's all small stuff and even when I got mad about it all the time I felt pretty petty.

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• SoEnamored member

  January 2016

  You might have to let this one roll, especially if your DH is not fully supportive of engaging with her to try to make this better.  From what I've seen, let DH deal with his own parents.  He's probably got a lifetime of baggage associated with coming to peace with not feeling equally loved.  That's a big can of worms to open up.  Sometimes accepting peace is better than trying to force the picture of what you want.  Keep putting opportunities out there for them to be involved as grandparents.  Maybe gently tell them that you'd love for them to be more involved and that you welcome them to celebrate the birth of their new grandbaby.

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• mrsb8244 member

  January 2016

  I know how frustrating this is. My dad's parents have clear favorites and it goes like this:
  1. My uncle (dad's brother)
  2. His baby (less than a year old)
  3. His wife
  4. My dad
  5. My brother
  6. My sister
  7. Me
  8. My mom
  
  I figured this out all on my own and truly does it suck that they don't care about us as much as my uncle's family? Yeah it does but it just goes to show their character not ours. Honestly though it's gotten much better recently and I don't know why. It's just bothersome when they fly across the country because their precious granddaughter is born but can't even drive 30 minutes to come visit me. The only time I see them is if I go where they live and I don't make an effort to do that very often. It did make me 100x more grateful for my mom's parents though because they have 20+ grandkids and treat all of us as equals

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• HBamama2B member

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  I'm kind of in your H's position. My mom blatantly favors my sister. I've found for those who play favorites with one set, they will with others. So I hear you on how huge an issue it really is.
  
  My siblings are not having kids, this will be the first grandchild, but my LO will still face comparisons to my sister. Like your MIL, my mom called to say that she, my dad, and my sister wanted to go on a trip to Iceland when I'm due. She said, "you won't need me will you? Seeing him after a few weeks won't matter?" I made it clear that I didn't need her, but that I expected her to be available meet her grandson within a day of his birth, then gave the message to my Dad as well as he had no clue what she was doing or what I wanted. In the end, she wasn't trying to actively hurt me or DH by dismissing the birth of her grandchild, she just really is that big of an asshat. She can't help it and doesn't recognize it and like you mentioned, telling her won't change it.
  
  People are fallible. I don't expect my mom to be the best Grandmother and I expect her to play favorites, but I still want her (carefully monitored) in my children's lives. If she tries to play favorites with them as well by making negative or competitive comments, and we expect her to, we plan to manage it immediately and stop her short or leave. Repeat as needed.
  
  My suggestion: make your preferences regarding your children clear. Say "I want you to be here for X or do Y for the baby" and make this clear to your FIL as well. When your kids are old enough to recognize the favoritism, listen to them and explain, making sure that they know that doesn't fly in your house and everyone is loved and valued.
  
  In the end, even if their cousins get more attention, love and presents than them from that person, it can be a great lesson. When I feel competitive about the love showered on my sister I just remind myself- the only reason to look at what the person next to has, is to make sure they have enough. I have a husband, and a great job, a baby and a beautiful, happy life. My sister is alone, angry, unhealthy and only has my mom. Maybe by having less, I ended up having more because my value structure was better. Anyway, that's my too long two cents.

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• mkemommy member

  January 2016

  I agree with everything @HBamama2B said.  I've been in a similar boat my entire life and I think she said pretty much everything I would and try to remind myself of when I get angry about it.  

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• Sydvicious08 member

  January 2016

  She sounds like my MIL! We have the only grandchildren on my DH family, but his brother is clearly the favorite. When we announced we were pregnant with DS1, she literally looked at the u/s photo, said "huh" then told my BIL to open his present. He is 31 working at a job he's has for years with no raise and lives in their basement! DH and I got married when he was 22 (in 4 years older) and just started a job that pays more than his brother. I get constant kid stories comparing my BIL to my sons...not their father, their uncle. Some people are just.. Idiots and not worth your time. I've been around this family for 8 years and finally decided I don't need their attention, (my parents literally saw DH1 more than my in laws and we lived 15 minutes from IL and 6 hrs from my family). We have since moved near my parents. I have a great life and she doesn't know what she is missing with my DH.
  BUT go ahead and vent, just don't vent to your DH. He might agree, but it is his mother. You don't want to strain your marriage over someone who is outside of it.

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• Lyette1206 member

  January 2016

  sdnybrk said:

  
  BUT go ahead and vent, just don't vent to your DH. He might agree, but it is his mother. You don't want to strain your marriage over someone who is outside of it.

  This. I struggled with how my ILs preferred their two younger sons over my husband for a long time. They both dropped out of school, have had trouble holding on to jobs, use their parents shamelessly, while my husband is independent and successful and seems to be ignored. I used to get angry and complain to him until I realized that 1) it always seemed to make him try to justify their behavior/stand up for them and 2) I think he's learned to deal with it but me bringing it up brought it back to the forefront and it seemed to hurt him even more.
  Regardless of their behavior, I realized that it's his mom and dad, and my criticism was bringing out his protective instincts. And I couldn't bear to contribute to his pain/struggles with his parents. Things are easier now. I accept them as they are, but don't expect anything.
  

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• Knottie95349912 member

  January 2016

  My dad has also never been the "favorite" and my mom was definitely on my grandmother's s***list for reasons unexplained- I remember one time his parents came to visit his sister and her kids, and they got showered with gifts and money while my siblings and I got pats on our heads. I spent my entire childhood wondering why they didn't love us as much.
  Now that I'm pregnant, I find it hard to share my joy with his only living parent. I hold many grudges toward toward her, including how she's treated her son's family over the years.
  I wish I had better advice for you but I can only tell you how I cope - because she is my father's mother, I treat her kindly but aloofly. I feel like a terrible person when I have to tell people I am not close to her and people look down on me for it. It hurt when I was younger because I didn't understand it, and now I hold bitter feelings and a lot of resentment toward certain family members for it. I see her now as an old frail woman, but as little else. What she has done, she's done to herself and has nothing to do with myself or my siblings.
  If this continues with your MIL, and I hope that it doesn't, just shower your kids with love and surround them with people who think they matter enough. Unfortunately, some people can't be cut out, and this seems like it would be the case for you. We can only hope we do better for our kids.

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• cy&damonsmommy member

  January 2016

  My MIL was the same. When we announced our pregnancy, which is my H first child, she didn't acknowledge or say anything for about two months. My H is the youngest of three so this is not the first grandchild but I was surprised we didn't even get a congratulations from them.
  

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• aloha5736 member

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  Same boat! My MIL always favorites DH brother and sister in law. They live 7 hours away too. For the last 4/5 years all I've heard about is their wedding, their showers, their house, their kid. Fine I listened, but when it came to us it was like I never heard of anything. We got married and she didn't want to spend a lot of money for our shower, which I'm honestly fine with, but don't complain after she spent 2k on an open bar alone for their baby shower. She talks in the same sentence how great their shower was. Never talked about our wedding, like you wouldn't even know we got married. Fast forward to being pregnant, SIL and I are pregnant together. I know everything about my SIL pregnancy due to my MIL. I show her ultrasounds a few times, it's like yea yea yea. The other night people are commenting nice things about how I look pregnant, she says nothing. She changes the subject as everyone talking, oh look at SIL she barely showed and she looks like a model. She compares us. When looking back she is by far bigger than I. She tried to cancel my shower last week, because I was showing signs of pre term labor which resolved, over loosing money on center pieces. I'm like I honestly don't care about the shower, as I'm sitting in the hospital, that's all she could say to me. She questions all my decisions, but SIL is way more strict than I am, she wouldn't dare question her reasoning. Meanwhile this is DH first child and we actually live close by, but all she can focus on is BIL family 6 states over. So I've just stopped telling her things and just don't expect a response. My husband sees it thank the lord. Haha thanks for listening to my rant! Honestly I've realized theirs nothing you can do, just let them do their thing and you do yours. My DH plans to tell her stop the comparisons, next time she does it, which is all the time. That's as far as we will go.

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• Grapes13 member

  January 2016

  Sorry your dealing with this. If you want a "my Mother in Law is Crazy and Rude and I Wish I Could Choose a New One- Club" I'll join up for sure.
  
  I've spent many a nights crying or yelling about the things MIL does and I finally realize I am never going to change her. She is never going to See the wrongs that she's done (even when I've tried to have convos with her about it), she will never apologize, and honestly she will never treat us right.
  
  So I have given up and decided she's missing out. And we no longer go out of our way to help or make things better. (Well sometimes DH does- he can't help himself).
  
  I hope you can find a way to let it go, so it stops hurting you. Because honestly it's easier on you that way.

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• edeibel89 member

  January 2016

  You all are honestly wonderful. While I hate that all of us are going thru this nonsense with parents or in-laws, for some crazy reason it does make me feel better that I'm not the only ones dealing with it. Misery loves company right? I have several girlfriends that regularly get dinner with their MILs or the mothers of their boyfriends, etc and I've accepted that will NEVER be us. It's just such a shame that some people can't be happy and supportive during such an amazing time in our lives. As many of you said, it probably won't get any better, but I can change how I react to things.

  @sdnybrk, thank you for the reminder. ever since our wedding I have made a conscious effort to make sure that if I am venting about his mom, it is not to him. As long as I have an outlet, whether it be my sister in law or girlfriends, or posting on here, it has been much easier to not make rude comments about her to him. I can have a discussion with him, but I definitely try to save the bashing for someone it won't hurt worse. so again, thank you

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• alitria member

  January 2016

  @edeibel89 I am so jealous when I see friends who love their MIL and the whole extended family gets along great.  My MIL could be way worse, but she definitely favors my BIL shamelessly and I've just had to accept that it's a dynamic that's 40 years old and not likely to change.  On the other hand, if she did favor my husband she'd want to be around my house all the time and in my business and that wouldn't end well for any of us, so maybe it's a blessing.  For now, she loves my kid and will love this one too, but I know if my BIL and SIL have a kiddo, my kids will drop quick in the rankings.
  
  I will say this, growing up, I was the grandkid at the bottom of the list on BOTH sides.  I was beat out by my brother on my dad's side (my dad was an only child) and ALL of my other cousins on my mom's side.  Did I know? Yes.  Did I care? Sometimes.  I was lucky because both of my parents were really good about acknowledging the favoritism existed and explaining that adults were people and not perfect and they didn't always see they were being unfair but it didn't change the fact that they loved me, even if we weren't as close.  They didn't try to lie or sugarcoat things, but they didn't make my grandparents out to be horrible people, more just that some people "click" better than others so I was able to enjoy the times I had with them and not take it so personally when they were favoring my cousins because their parents had been the favored siblings.  I knew my parents loved me, I had other positive adults around who cared for me, and I never felt like I couldn't find an adult when I needed one so I don't recall it being a big deal often.  Kids are way more savvy at handling the complexities of relationships and knowing how things are than we give them credit for. 

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• CourtJack member

  January 2016

  Aw, that sucks - favouritism is no fun, especially being on the wrong side of it. I'm my mom's least favourite. But like a PP said - there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have no control over how she acts towards me so I have simply stopped having any expectations of her. I expect rude comments and now my H and I just laugh at how ridiculous it all is. Luckily we don't see her a lot AND I'm the only one of my siblings with kids  so we don't need to worry about grandkid favouring - but even if we did, I'd simply do my best to shelter them from it and let the rest go. It takes so much energy to stay annoyed at something that isn't going to change just because you want it to. I know it's WAY easier said than done, but starting to let it go and accepting her for who she is (however unpleasant) will bring you the most joy. Good luck!!!!!

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