December 2015 Moms

DH/SO vent

ssn109ssn109 member
edited January 2016 in December 2015 Moms
Didn't see where one of these was started, at least not recently. And I really need to vent before I go off on my DH. I need to get this out so I can have a calm discussion with him rather than a screaming match.

I get that I need to care for our LO most of the time. He's breastfed, though supplemented with formula. Also, DH seems to have a lot less patience than I do (think, he raises his voice and tells our 5 week old to shut up-though that's a whole other vent for another time).

However, I don't understand why, since I spend so much time caring for OUR newborn, I still also have primary responsibility for everything else. Congratulations, you had to go out and shovel twice today, after getting a full night's sleep. Poor you, now you're exhausted and need a nap. And when you awaken from this nearly 3 hour nap, you come out and ask what is for dinner. I confess I forgot to pull out anything to defrost, and I get the response of how it's "unf***ingbelieveable" that I didn't get anything out. After I already made him breakfast today while simultaneously calming a crying baby. After I've spent the last 5 weeks still doing at least 95% of the dishes and getting grief when they're not done when he gets home from work. Even though it's the f***ing weekend and there is no excuse for not helping (i.e. working all day at a job you hate with coworkers you don't like).

I really look forward to the discussion about how I'm not his personal chef, maid, and nanny so he needs to start getting off his ass more and helping take care of things around here. I'm sure he'll be thrilled when I remind him this is a partnership, and he needs to start doing his share before I go on strike (from the housework, obviously not from my baby).

ETA feel free to also vent away!

Re: DH/SO vent

  • Wow I can't believe he tells your 5 week old to shut up :( that's sad. He sounds like a jerk. I'm sorry that you're going thru a tough time. Do u have family that you can vent to? A mother's support group where you live? Maybe try couples counseling?
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  • I don't know how you've made it this long without losing your sh*t.
  • I have to say, this makes me feel better about my DH... He does housework for me, but my complaint lately is that he rarely spends more than an hour or two at home that he's not sleeping....

    It's a good idea to calmly sit him down and tell him you need his help. Maybe decide on what chores each of you can be in charge of? Like my husband is in charge of cleaning the kitchen, and I'm in charge of making food. I clean bathrooms and he does laundry (for baby and us.) Remind him that taking care of LO's is more than a full time job, cuz it is 24/7. If he is blowing up at baby, it's probably cuz he is stressed (not saying this is okay.) My DH gets stressed when holding a crying baby but he just asks me to take him when this happens. It's annoying for me, but it's better than a blow up. Since he does so much other house work it's okay if it's my job to calm baby (tho he will have to learn to do this one day.)

    If he refuses to take a role to help out, then I suggest counselling.
  • DD is our second child and DS is almost two and a half. My hubby is not the biggest fan of newborns; however, he is loving towards her and helps take care of her. He has already expressed that he can't wait until she two and can play. Even with this attitude of his, he has never told our child to shut up. This would never be acceptable in our house...ever! I hope that things work themselves out, but please keep in mind that this should not be the reaction to a five week old.
  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    edited January 2016
    This is my husband except for two big differences. 

    He NEVER would tell Olive to shut up. He loves that little girl. He's lazy as hell with her but he's also sweet to her.

    He doesn't work. He's the SAHD. And like you i get that because my LO is breastfed, i'm the one getting up at night. I'm ok with that. However, what I DON'T like is doing her laundry all day, taking care of most things around the house and THEN GETTING CALLED LAZY because i can't find the time or the hands required to eat 3 meals a day. ("Motherhood is not an excuse to neglect taking care of yourself" or, my personal FAVOURITE.. "What would you do if you were a single mom?" haha buddy. That's why YOU'RE here. Because I never had any intention of being a single mom... until NOW....)

    Oh and did i mention that he gets to have all the mood swings and meltdowns he wants? But if i get upset about something, he has a mood swing or meltdown? So it's best that i just don't talk about anything that's bothering me? Yeah. I get that he's the emotional one and I'm more even tempered. But that dynamic is exhausting when you spent 9 months making a person that you are now spending ? months staying up at night with. 

    I find his laziness and sense of entitlement to be astounding. I sometimes think he's delusional about how much i'm actually doing versus how much he's actually doing. 

    If he told olive to shut up, he'd go out a window. 
  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    edited January 2016

    He sounds like an ass. How do you respond to this behavior? I don't thing SO would make it passed yelling at our infant without a blow up between us.
    Yeah every parent yells sometimes, really they do. 

    Just not at a newborn. 

    Aside from that being the ultimate cold asshole move (seriously), it simply doesn't work. Newborns have no reference level for anything like that. To a newborn, it's noise that they will shout over to ensure you hear them. It will have the exact opposite of the desired effect. 

    He sounds like a dumbass. My husband is a dumbass too so I can say this hopefully without sounding like a bitch. 

    KRH6829 said:
    DD is our second child and DS is almost two and a half. My hubby is not the biggest fan of newborns; however, he is loving towards her and helps take care of her. He has already expressed that he can't wait until she two and can play. Even with this attitude of his, he has never told our child to shut up. This would never be acceptable in our house...ever! I hope that things work themselves out, but please keep in mind that this should not be the reaction to a five week old.
    Yeah this. My husband's biggest beef with her is that she's boring. And he expected this. He knows that she'll grow into something more interesting shortly. And he's getting a kick out of her now but he's investing in the cute 6 month old she'll be by the summer.
  • I'm wondering the age of the SO that yells at a newborn? I don't say it in a mean way, just that they all sound very immature? I'm an older first time mom, and I can imagine if my husband and I had kids when we were younger it may have been me doing all of the work.
  • He sounds like an immature ass. I hope his yelling at a newborn never escalates to something more serious. I would have reservations about ever leaving them alone together.
  • Okay, we are practically the same person. Everything you just said in your post @ssn109 is my situation. Seriously.

    I primarily take care of DD, like I would say it's 70/30 with me and SO taking care of her. I am always the only one up with her at night, which is fine (kind of) because I can get it done quick and effectively and get her back to sleep, but it would be nice to have some help every now and then. & then during the day while I mostly take care of her all by myself, I'm also expected to always have the house spotless, have meals planned and ready, etc. & when those things aren't done, I never hear the end of it. It's like seriously, you are a grown man... you can cook and clean too. Neither of us are working right now (offseason for SO), so there's no excuse.

    There's been a couple times where I've left DD with SO for a few hours so I can go do errands I need to get done, and that has resulted in SO telling me he DOES NOT want to take care of her by himself, especially once I finally go back to work. He says he refuses to watch her if I decide to go back full time. Why? He doesn't want to be stuck in the house all day, meaning he wants to be able to go hunting or shooting or doing any other thing he wants to do whenever he wants. Like okay, sorry I'm trying to work to provide for our family. Why can't you support that?!

    Oh, and about that whole telling your 5 week old to shut up... my SO does the same thing with our DD. He doesn't necessarily raise his voice, but definitely tells her to shut up if she's crying while he's holding her. I've told him to stop, and that it's pretty much pointless, but he still does it. It kinda gets to me, buf I didn't see it as being such a "big deal" until I saw your ladie's replies. I'm definitely going to try to take a bigger stand against him.

    Feel free to message me girly if you need to talk more!
  • pupsicle23pupsicle23 member
    edited January 2016
    His response to you forgetting to defrost dinner and his response to the baby make me worried. Has he always acted this way? If the anger and snapping is new, I'd actively work on getting him to see a doctor and get evaluated for depression or anxiety. Panic attacks can occur as angry outbursts. I don't want to be the person who jumps in and blames things on a mental illness, but the change and pressure that comes with a baby can make these things surface.

    Either way, not helping out and acting angrily are completely unacceptable and inexcusable. We've established that he shouldn't yell at the baby; he also needs to know that using profanity toward you is never okay. I hope yojur conversation goes well.
  • These are very concerning. I really hope he changes for the sake of his familys well being.

    My vent tonight is about my DW. Last week she became sick with a cold she obtained from one of her co workers. Well then our baby became sick luckily with just a mild cold. Now today I woke up sick. Non stop runny nose and sneezing. Well long story short when DW was sick I took care of the baby 24/7. I had her sleep in the guest bedroom and wear an anti viral mask the whole time. Those were 4 LONG, exhausting days. She on the other hand got to have uninterrupted 8-10 sleep nights so that she could get better asap.

    So now that I am sick I mention that I should probably sleep in the guestroom and I received push back. "Why? You just have a runny nose?" Now normally DW is very supportive and helpful however I am the one up at night BF. I am the one that stays home to take care of our beautiful high needs baby boy 10 hours a day while she gets to be and look the part of an adult at work while I am on maternity leave. Would it have killed her to say instead; "I'm sorry honey you're not feeling well. Why don't I take care of LO tonight so you can rest and I'll just bring him when he needs to eat. "

    :neutral:
  • My SO easily loses his patience with our son, he has told him to shut up (once because I had a go at him after)
    SO done it because he feels like he can't calm our son down, and feels like our son is more attached to me (only because I'm breastfeeding ) so he was just overwhelmed and didn't express that well. Not justifying what he did at all but I know he didn't mean it. Maybe your dh feels the same?
    I would definitely put your foot down behaviour like that can't continue its not fair on you and he'll just think he can get away with it
  • Oh wow. All I can say is shut this behavior down. That is crazy! God bless you if you manage to calmy talk to him. I probably would have sent him packing to his mom's by now.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I would yell at him to shut the f* up. That is ridiculous, I am so sorry he is being such an ass.
  • Wow...I can't imagine DH acting like this.  I thought me having to ask him to do stuff for DS and to do some house chores was bad.  He always does what I ask, but I wish he'd take initiative more often. I feel like I'm asking a child to do something, when it should just be standard.  I should know better that after being with with him for 10 years, he's not always one to think of doing things first and he doesn't mean it intentionally.  

    He's never been a crazy baby lover, and never held other people's children.  It's only been within the last year and a half that he's gotten more in tune with embracing kids and being fatherly if you will.

    I will say that I have more patience with the baby than he does, when it comes to nighttime feedings. The other night, DS woke up just about 2 hours after his last bottle. The previous 3-4 days he was sleeping 4-4 1/2 hour stretches and only waking up twice through the night.  DH's response when we both got up was; "What the f***." I tried telling him that just because he slept for a few days like this and he's on formula now which should keep him fuller/sleep longer, doesn't mean he's programmed to do that all of the time now.  With all new things, it'll take time to adjust and he's gotten more accustomed to waking up for one of the feedings all on his own.  The first few nights, I still got up with him and stayed up while he did the feeding. Now, I just ask if he wants any help and then go back to bed when he says; "I've got it."  

    Hoping it gets better for those of you who are dealing with walking, talking, grown newborns ;)  on top of an actual newborn.
  • These are very concerning. I really hope he changes for the sake of his familys well being.

    My vent tonight is about my DW. Last week she became sick with a cold she obtained from one of her co workers. Well then our baby became sick luckily with just a mild cold. Now today I woke up sick. Non stop runny nose and sneezing. Well long story short when DW was sick I took care of the baby 24/7. I had her sleep in the guest bedroom and wear an anti viral mask the whole time. Those were 4 LONG, exhausting days. She on the other hand got to have uninterrupted 8-10 sleep nights so that she could get better asap.

    So now that I am sick I mention that I should probably sleep in the guestroom and I received push back. "Why? You just have a runny nose?" Now normally DW is very supportive and helpful however I am the one up at night BF. I am the one that stays home to take care of our beautiful high needs baby boy 10 hours a day while she gets to be and look the part of an adult at work while I am on maternity leave. Would it have killed her to say instead; "I'm sorry honey you're not feeling well. Why don't I take care of LO tonight so you can rest and I'll just bring him when he needs to eat. "

    :neutral:

    That sounds like SO. He came down with a cold and obviously didn't feel well, so I took full baby duty while he tried to sleep it off since he also works. I catch the cold, baby catches the cold and I still ended up with full baby duty even though he was off for a couple of days. He still had the "sniffles". Ugh. I had a low grade fever and Henry's was 100.1 and he was super grouchy, thankfully he got over the cold in a couple of days. It took me a week. babies are draining. What's so hard about letting us get in a nap here and there?
  • DH had a cold when DD was a week old. I slept on the couch and did all the night and day duties. I haven't had a night when I've slept right through since DD was born! There was one night he said he would take night duty and let me sleep because I had a job interview the next day, but we were in a hotel room so when she woke up and he got up I woke up every time as well... So it didn't really give me more rest. He was almost in tears by 5am because he was so tired from getting up twice in the night... Cry me a river! He also lets her grunt and snort for a ridiculous amount of time because he thinks she will magically go back to sleep. Nice try, it doesn't work like that!

    Why are men such babies? Henry had a 3 am to 6 am crying/fussing spell and SO almost had a breakdown because I let him handle it. He works nights and I needed sleep.
    Women just have bigger balls.
  • :(
    I feel you guys. Some of these posts are awful, and I can't believe what you guys are having to put up with.

  • @momotheflyinglemur You win. Lol


    DH is working on himself. He's not exactly where I'd like him to be but he's getting there. I read an article about looking at your husbands boots...and I guess it made me take a step back and appreciate him more. I wish I had a link to the article so you all could take a glance at it! I mean we're all so quick to jump on our husband's but how are we acting? Looking back at the past few weeks I was definitely being a b**** to him. No wonder he was acting the same. I know this doesnt apply to everyones situation..some SO's are being ridiculous and need to step it up. Just ranting about my situation.
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