Can we talk about names? Potential loss trigger.

MamaCoffin · January 2016

I know I'm getting ahead of myself.... But I'm trying to keep my mind on the exciting things that are hopefully ahead.... As opposed to the stressful ones.

We had already decided on names for our loss. Annabelle Mae or William Dexter. Both have extreme family significance, as do our earth side daughters Lucy Elizabeth and Violet Ruth.

We did not know the sex of the baby. I had my d&c at 12 weeks but baby only measured 9. I called it baby Bowie.

Obviously there is no right or wrong answer to this question.... Just personal opinion.... But I'm very torn. I'm curious how others feel about "recycling" names that were chosen for a child who wasn't born.

What do you think?

cjs260 · January 2016

DH and I had already decided on names before our loss, but we decided we would "reuse" the names as they were names we've had picked out for forever and were really attached to. Our loss will forever be our original "patton-pending" but we're hoping for several more in the future. I really think that my opinion might change if I had gotten to see a live being on ultrasound or had known the sex, though. I think it's a completely personal decision and in your heart you know what you should do. Which of course will differ from person to person.

Btw those are all lovely antique names!

catiecatp · January 2016

@jenmlangtake2 - that is a tough one - we were calling our baby Squirtle (yep, a pokemon... we aren't even huge fans, but I was insistent that we come up with a nickname and DH took convincing but then came up with the pokemon idea - we were thinking as it progressed from an embryo to a fetus to a baby that it would "evolve" like a pokemon but we never got to that stage). I'm really glad that we have a nickname but we never got to the point that we were picking out a short list of names. We won't reuse the nickname but it isn't the same as what you're referring to.

Perhaps you could come up with alternates when you get pregnant again? So when baby is born s/he could be one of the names you mentioned or one of the new names - when you see baby you could decide what felt right in your heart.

AL_TwinCities · January 2016

catiecatp said:
Perhaps you could come up with alternates when you get pregnant again? So when baby is born s/he could be one of the names you mentioned or one of the new names - when you see baby you could decide what felt right in your heart.

^^ this. I just miscarried naturally at 12+1 last weekend (baby died at 8) and we opted not to get it tested so we didn't find out the sex. I feel very strongly that it was a girl, though. A part of me is tempted to give her one of the shortlisted girl names, but another part of me isn't sure because I'd still like to use the name in the future. So I'm going to do what @catiecatp has suggested, and wait until I have another to decide.

BornReady · January 2016

I've never been one to have names picked out and hadn't even thought of any for this baby we lost. We didn't name DS for 2 or 3 days, the hospital was hounding me! We have a name/nickname we decided to call this baby in remembrance, but nothing we've shared with anyone else. As a NICU mom with a preemie, this was actually a big conversation among the parents. Lots of the parents mentioned giving their babies other names than they had planned and struggling with not wanting to use a name for various reasons. I think a lot of it goes to the idea of what we thought our kids would be named/what our lives would look like in the perfect world in which loss doesn't happen. I like PP suggestion of coming up with a group of names and seeing what fits when you give birth/get near the end of your pregnancy.

BooksForMe23 · January 2016

Can I just say that this thread breaks my heart? I hate that we find ourselves thinking about issues like this and that we can all relate to what you're saying. DH and I were also just using a nickname since our MC happened early on, so it won't really affect our actual name choice when we do finally have a baby.

glamakitti · January 2016

This is a subject that has been conflicting me too. Me and my DH had a boys name we both like picked for years.
I miscarried at 11 weeks with foetal development at 6 weeks. We never got to see the baby I was 2 days away from my first scan when I miscarried. I have spoken to people on the subject; one friend said it didn't matter if we used the same name I then found out a colleague's first born was a stillbirth with the same name me and DH had chosen for a future son; when I told this to another friend she said to me that as we are both a bit superstitious I shouldn't use the same name but I love the name we chose. I guess we have to go with our hearts or maybe wait until we actually see our future babies in the scan. It's a difficult situation. X

ThePax89 · January 2016

We named our first loss. I wanted to give our rainbow that name as a middle name. DH felt that was a big burden for a child to have. I disagree.

Kay6519 · January 2016

We named each of our angel LOs. DH and I have decided not to reuse those names. We are holding one name in reserve if we have a son. DH promised to name his first boy after his grandfather on his mom's side since there are no males to continue that line.

comealongponds · January 2016

My loss was at 7w so no clue if it was a boy or girl - baby was known as Pond while he/she was in there. We have a list of names that we've been collecting and refining for a while (I'm a huge name nerd and have been collecting names since I was 12 or so) and that will be the list we choose from. I can imagine if I had a later loss, and had chosen a name for the babe that I would *not* reuse that one (except maybe in the middle to honour the lost baby).

Wishilivedinflorida · January 2016

We chose a gender neutral name for our loss at 7 weeks, one that I don't think we would be upset over that we used already it in the future. Only DH and I know it. In conversation between us we usually just refer to them as "the baby" though, since it has been our only pregnancy this far.

SuperKristy85 · January 2016

@ThePax89 I think that is super sweet!

This thought crossed my mind too. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. If you feel comfortable with the same names then go for it. It's all about you and how you guys feel about it. I think for me personally reusing the names for an early loss wouldn't be n issue but if I had gotten to 5 or 6 months I would feel differently.

DinosaurJumper · January 2016

I had never even thought of that. DH and I had picked a boy and a girls name years before TTC, but while we were expecting we only referred to them as the baby or our jellybean. I miscarried early, but I feel like we both would have reused the names if we ever had children. You day dream and fall in love with these baby names and it hurts to see them never get used.

NamelessAria · January 2016

DH and I hadn't settled one 1 girl name and 1 boy name yet. We still had a couple we were deciding between. We've decided to leave all those names as possibles for the future. A future baby would already be sharing those names with loved ones who are no longer with us (grandparents and such) so adding another loved one we lost to the list of people baby is named after doesn't seem wrong to us. While our angel never got to actually have any of those names I don't think we'll ever be able to use them without thinking of what could have been. But I suppose remembering the loved ones you've lost is part of why you "reuse" their names.

I absolutely agree with everyone saying that there is no right or wrong answer to the question of "should a name be reused or retired?" I think you have to do what feels right for you, and your family. I really liked the suggestion from @catiecatp to perhaps come up with some alternative names just in case and then just wait to see what you feel is right when you get to hold your rainbow in your arms and see him/her for the first time.

cjt121413 · January 2016

Our loss was early, but I had a feeling it was a girl, and we had a name in mind. We hadn't decided on it 100%, but for some reason I don't like the idea of using that name. So we're kind of back to the drawing board on names.

strickland8052 · January 2016

My loss was super early, but I had a strong gut feeling that it was a boy. I also had a strong gut feeling about one name in particular (a name that I had never even actually thought of before I got KU). DH didn't like that name, so we won't be using it regardless. However, even if DH did like the name, I don't think I'd be able to recycle it. In my heart, that name is already taken.

I'm with others on that there is no right or wrong way to feel about this. It is totally up to the person, and whatever you decide is fine. **hugs**

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