Maid of Honor in Wedding Right Before Due Date

thycapa · January 2016

Wanted some advice since I am stuck for the right thing to do...i will try not to make it too lengthy.
I am the MOH in a friend's wedding that is only 2 weeks before my due date. I wasn't pregnant when she asked me to be in her wedding, but when I got pregnant and realized my due date was right before I tried raising concern, but she thought it would be fine. Then a few weeks ago I tried to tell her again that I was concerned since its so close and maybe I should step down and she just kept talking over me and telling me that I'll probably go late since her boss went late. When I tried to tell her that every pregnancy is different she just kept comparing the two of us and saying I'll go late and it shouldn't interfere with her wedding. Today I had an emergency US due to bleeding and cramping at 21 weeks. They don't know the cause, but I have to take it easy, no excessive exercise, lifting or being on my feet for long durations. I am also high risk for other reasons. Would it be totally wrong to back out of this wedding or should I suck it up and see what happens? The kicker is earlier last year we had a huge fight because she did something extremely hurtful to me and I backed out, but she called me in tears and begged me to reconsider and I did, so I've already backed out once. I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be awesome and appreciated!

stillcozy · January 2016

I don't think it's unfair of you to back out you have tried twice and honestly she is being pretty naive about the situation. It is rediculous to expect you to go late just because her boss did...

Also she seems like the type to be upset if you have your baby early and can't make it at the last second and with you being high risk I think it makes a lot of sense if you have concerns to talk to her about taking on a different role. Not to mention not needing the extra stress of planning a bachelorette party, showers and the cost of dress that you aren't even sure you will get to wear.

I totally understand wanting to be there for your friend and the pressure she is putting on you but try to remember to make the decision for you and your babies best interests not hers

SarahFoley725 · January 2016

I'm supposed to be in a wedding like two days before my edd so I feel you. If your pregnancy is already high risk, I would back out but make sure she knows you want to help as much as you can. It took some time for the bride in my situation to come to terms with the possibility that I may not be there. She did not have my order a dress and I'm still considered a bridesmaid even though I'll just sit in the crowd if I'm able to make it.

I obviously can't make the bachelorette party either so instead we put down a good bit of money for her bridal shower this past weekend. There are lots of things you can do to help and lots of ways you can still be involved. I would not add the stress to an already complicated pregnancy if I were you.

austinjl · January 2016

My SIL was supposed to be in my wedding when she would have been 36 weeks. When she found out she was pregnant, she gave me a heads up that she'd try to come but would also take into account her doctor's recommendation. She bought the dress and had hoped to come but ended up backing out. I live 6 hours away from her. As a bride, I totally understood!!!!! Of course, her health and baby's health was more important than her being at my wedding. My mom was upset and kept saying 'she probably could've come and I'm sure she'd be fine'....which I did not get at all. If anything I was kinda bummed since I am close with her but again, my SIL having a healthy pregnancy and baby was more important. If you end up deciding do it, I'd definitely make sure there's a place for you to sit during the ceremony as I've heard standing for long at that point is exhausting. Good luck! And I totally believe right now you have to keep baby's best interest in mind.

goldie987 · January 2016

No idea how far away you live from the wedding but your doctor may not want you traveling more than an hour or so away when you're that far along, especially if you're high risk. I know my doctor recommended against unnecessary travel more than an hour away from the hospital after 35 weeks and I'm low risk. It isn't your fault and I personally think it would be worse if you stayed in and had the baby early and couldn't make it than to back out now while she has time to make a back up plan.

Jbabylove2016 · January 2016

I think if she was a good friend, at this point she would have listened to your concerns and understood that this was probably not the best thing for both you and her. You don't need the extra stress of worrying about whether or not you will be able to honor your obligation to her wedding, and I would think she would want to guarantee that her MOH can be there no matter what. I know that it will be a hard conversation to have with her, but it sounds like this is what you want to do and what is best for you and baby. Good luck! Let us know what you decide.

cMichelle0423 · January 2016

For a regular low-risk pregnancy, I'd say don't worry about it and be in the wedding. But if your high risk and already being told to take it easy, I'd say back out now while you can still give a good notice. Good luck.

thycapa · January 2016

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and advice, I really appreciate it! I just struggled with it, because I hate to let people down or upset them. This made me feel better. I think I will invite her out to dinner and talk with her in person about stepping down and attending the wedding as a guest if possible. I will let you know how she responds!

Jbabylove2016 · January 2016

Of course you don't want to let your friend down, but hopefully she will really hear you this time and understand that you feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I hope the convo with her goes well - definitely let us know how it goes!

SaphireSweetie88 · January 2016

thycapa said:

Wanted some advice since I am stuck for the right thing to do...i will try not to make it too lengthy. I am the MOH in a friend's wedding that is only 2 weeks before my due date. I wasn't pregnant when she asked me to be in her wedding, but when I got pregnant and realized my due date was right before I tried raising concern, but she thought it would be fine. Then a few weeks ago I tried to tell her again that I was concerned since its so close and maybe I should step down and she just kept talking over me and telling me that I'll probably go late since her boss went late. When I tried to tell her that every pregnancy is different she just kept comparing the two of us and saying I'll go late and it shouldn't interfere with her wedding. Today I had an emergency US due to bleeding and cramping at 21 weeks. They don't know the cause, but I have to take it easy, no excessive exercise, lifting or being on my feet for long durations. I am also high risk for other reasons. Would it be totally wrong to back out of this wedding or should I suck it up and see what happens? The kicker is earlier last year we had a huge fight because she did something extremely hurtful to me and I backed out, but she called me in tears and begged me to reconsider and I did, so I've already backed out once. I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be awesome and appreciated!

@thycapa

I would suggest backing down - especially since you had an emergency ultrasound and they don't know the cause of the bleeding and cramping. Your health and the health of your baby are the most important. Your friend will more than likely be disappointed (she asked you to be her MoH for a reason) but if she is a true friend, she will understand and not want you to be at risk (more than you are already since you're a high risk pregancy - if I read that right).

blissylissy86 · January 2016

I think if you don't want to back out completely (or she doesn't want you to) you can maybe change roles (ie: bridesmaid instead of MOH). A) you may end up delivering before the wedding, especially if you are high risk

even if you don't, I am sure you will not be a super active participant in the MOH role. That usually entails you throwing a bachelorette party and maybe the bridal shower. Both of these things are stressful and time consuming, and not something for a super pregnant woman to be doing.

I had my wedding this past October, and once I found out my friend was pregnant (bridesmaid) and due around the tentative time of the wedding, I moved the date earlier so she would be there for sure. But I also made sure that she knew that I only wanted her to take on and participate in what she felt comfortable with. This worked out really well.

thycapa · January 2016

I just wanted to provide an update as promised and thank everyone again for their comments and advice, I really appreciate it! I did decide after much thought that it was best for all parties involved if I stepped down. I knew it would be a difficult conversation to have, but I also felt the sooner the better. I had full intentions of still trying to help where I could and attending the wedding as a guest if circumstances allowed. Unfortunately she completely freaked out on me, telling me that while a pregnancy is important, her wedding is even more important and that I was being immature and selfish for stepping down. I tried to stay calm and understand that she was acting out of anger and disappointment. She continued her rant and no matter how much I tried to steer it from a negative place she said some really nasty and hurtful things, so sadly we are no longer friends. Not once during the conversation did she seem remotely concerned about the complication which scared me as a FTM nor did she ever ask if the baby was ok, which was disappointing. I still think whether or not she can see it now, it is still best if she can have someone totally reliable take the lead on making her bridal events and wedding special for her and so I don't regret stepping down, just sad that I lost a friend.

dramaphile · January 2016

thycapa said:
I just wanted to provide an update as promised and thank everyone again for their comments and advice, I really appreciate it! I did decide after much thought that it was best for all parties involved if I stepped down. I knew it would be a difficult conversation to have, but I also felt the sooner the better. I had full intentions of still trying to help where I could and attending the wedding as a guest if circumstances allowed. Unfortunately she completely freaked out on me, telling me that while a pregnancy is important, her wedding is even more important and that I was being immature and selfish for stepping down. I tried to stay calm and understand that she was acting out of anger and disappointment. She continued her rant and no matter how much I tried to steer it from a negative place she said some really nasty and hurtful things, so sadly we are no longer friends. Not once during the conversation did she seem remotely concerned about the complication which scared me as a FTM nor did she ever ask if the baby was ok, which was disappointing. I still think whether or not she can see it now, it is still best if she can have someone totally reliable take the lead on making her bridal events and wedding special for her and so I don't regret stepping down, just sad that I lost a friend.

That sucks. Someday, when she has to go through late pregnancy, i hope she realizes how shitty she's treated you. Sometimes it takes a situation like this to see who your real friends are.

jonesl12 · January 2016

thycapa said:
I just wanted to provide an update as promised and thank everyone again for their comments and advice, I really appreciate it! I did decide after much thought that it was best for all parties involved if I stepped down. I knew it would be a difficult conversation to have, but I also felt the sooner the better. I had full intentions of still trying to help where I could and attending the wedding as a guest if circumstances allowed. Unfortunately she completely freaked out on me, telling me that while a pregnancy is important, her wedding is even more important and that I was being immature and selfish for stepping down. I tried to stay calm and understand that she was acting out of anger and disappointment. She continued her rant and no matter how much I tried to steer it from a negative place she said some really nasty and hurtful things, so sadly we are no longer friends. Not once during the conversation did she seem remotely concerned about the complication which scared me as a FTM nor did she ever ask if the baby was ok, which was disappointing. I still think whether or not she can see it now, it is still best if she can have someone totally reliable take the lead on making her bridal events and wedding special for her and so I don't regret stepping down, just sad that I lost a friend.

That's shitty AF. People are so rediculous and self centered.
Weddings are about 2 people vowing to spend their lives together not who is in the wedding party

stillcozy · January 2016

@thycapa you are so much better off. What a total bitch ugh she might be the worst type of person. Try be thankful you don't need to be around that bridezilla a minute longer !

I'm very sorry for you though to have to go through that. Hoping everything with your little one goes well!

austinjl · January 2016

Well F her. Is she an adult? I dont understand her childish reaction.

SarahFoley725 · January 2016

Wow I'm so sorry she reacted that way. It doesn't sound like you lost a "friend" to me because it doesn't seem like she was much of one to begin with.

huskypuppy14 · January 2016

I"m so sorry OP. Your friends sounds like a total bitch. I'm going to give my opinion and the opinions of other people who are regs on the knot.

A bride should pick her nearest and dearest to be in her wedding. If you were asked to be in her wedding as her MOH, hopefully you were a good friend of hers. If someone is your nearest and dearest friend, you don't treat them like crap. No bride should ever replace a bridesmaid unless they want to ruin the friendship.

Of course you have every right to not want to be in the wedding ,but if the wedding was close by your only obligation is to show up in an appropriate dress (and if my friend was 9 months pregnant, I would just want her to wear a dress in the same color, it didn't have to match the other bridesmaids). No one is obligated to throw a bride a shower or a bachelorette, even though this is seen as standard "duties" for bridesmaids. Your friend seems completely unreasonable, so it seems you dodged a bullet.

Again, your only job as bridesmaid or MOH is to show up wearing the dress and standup and support your bride friend. Clearly some brides are entitled and expect people to throw them parties and help them with wedding things. While many MOH and bridesmaids do these things, they are not required to. I'm sorry again your former friend is so ridiculous.

Weville · January 2016

@thycapa Yikes! Sorry you had to go through that freak out. It is too bad you lost a friend but you really deserve to be treated better than that

DrillSergeantCat · January 2016

@thycapa it amuses me that she called you selfish and immature because her actions were those of a toddler. A true friend would understand and support you knowing that there are complications with your pregnancy. For her to say a pregnancy is important, but her wedding is more important is ludicrous! You are bringing a life into the world, she is throwing a party. No comparison. I'm sorry you lost a "friend" but it really doesn't sound like you lost much of anything at all.

PhoebeJune1984 · January 2016

@thycapa In all honesty, I was waiting for you to update and figured that is what her response was going to be....especially since she was brushing it off previously and you guys had already had a falling out about the wedding/MOH to begin with.

My friend's sister got married two summers ago and had this happen at her wedding. She found out shortly after asking her best friend to be her MOH, that her best friend was pregnant and due a week or so before the wedding. Even though they had been best friends since second grade, she knew there was nothing that could be done and that her friends pregnancy was just as important to her friend, as her own wedding was important to her. She added her other really close friend as an second MOH. In the wedding program, it listed both ladies as MOH, but listed her non-attending friend as an "honorary MOH". That way, her friend was still honored as MOH in spirit, even though she couldn't be there.

The bride you are dealing with, sounds like a selfish asshole. At this point, you should be glad that you got out of there before it came time to deal with her and her selfish demands, when it came to the bridal shower and bachelorette party! You did yourself a favor.

Jbabylove2016 · January 2016

I'm finally just reading your update - OMG! Somehow from what you had already told us about her, I am not surprised. It doesn't sound like you lost a friend at all, and good riddance to her. Unfortunately, it takes something like this to see who is truly a good friend to you and who isn't. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but in the end, it sounds like it was all for the best. You have all of us here who support you

.

PhoebeJune1984 · January 2016

Another good example of how things should have gone...

My sister called yesterday and told me that she really wanted me to stand up with her at her wedding as one of her bridesmaids, but now that she knows that I am pregnant, she didn't know if I was going to feel comfortable doing so. So she gave me the option "Would you like to stand up there, or I can make you a honorary bridesmaid, so that way people know that you were going to be part of the wedding party, but you wont have to stand up there in the heat?" Now, I wont be pregnant at that time, but I will be having a c-section a few short weeks before her wedding, so she was thinking about the fact that I will still be recovering from that, wont feel comfortable standing for a long time (especially in the heat), and that it might be a nightmare trying to figure out dress sizing since we wont know how much I will gain during pregnancy, or how much I will lose afterwards....and being that close to the wedding, it would be hard to order a dress after delivery.

I chose to be listed as a honorary bridesmaid, and she said okay. Easy-peasy. But then again, my sister can be selfish at times, but she is also realistic and wasn't going to give me hell when she knew that there wasn't anything I could really do in the situation.

thycapa · January 2016

Thank you ladies so much for your support, advice, encouragement and for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate you all helping me deal with this!

stillcozy · January 2016

thycapa said:

Thank you ladies so much for your support, advice, encouragement and for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate you all helping me deal with this!

Anytime

so sorry you have to deal with this!

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