Becoming a big brother/sister

fratarra · January 2016

Hello everyone, my son just turned 3 and he's pretty much ignoring me every time I talk to him about baby.
I have always thought that the "big kid" will adjust, that he will gain a little person to love and that will always love him.. I have always been very positive about "the adjustment", but now I'm starting to freak out. I blame the pregnancy and the hormones for feeling this way..

Anyone else feeling like this?

Brandi81012 · January 2016

I think it's a huge adjustment that big siblings go through. At the age of 3 he still has no idea what is coming, even if you take so much time to prepare him. So it will take time for them to adjust with some rough periods. But I don't think it is anything to stress about he will eventually find that love for his little sibling like you hope!

Ready4theParty · January 2016

It is a big change and it is something I worry about with DD especially after MIL made a big deal about it last weekend and that we couldn't let DD feel like she is being replaced.

I think for some kids it's easier to acknowledge being a big kid when the baby gets here. We've talked to Dd about it but haven't pushed it on her either. I figure we will cross that bridge when we get there.

mrstrax · January 2016

I feel like this is one of those things where you do what you can (big boy, reading books with babies, spending extra time with them when baby comes) but ultimately he's just gonna have to deal. There may be rough patches, or he may be crazy attached and protective from the start. Either way, baby isn't going anywhere and he'll get used to it eventually. I'm trying to just set low expectations and remember that I can only do so much when DD can't logically process the concept of a sibling. Otherwise I'll make myself feel guilty when/if she struggles instead of just doing what I can to love on her and help her get used to her new situation.

Does that make sense? I'm feeling rambly this morning.

ivyvines6 · January 2016

FTM here but I wanted to share my personal experience with you about siblings. (I have a LOT of them)

I don't remember my mom bringing home my first sister, but I apparently had a very hard time adjusting to it. I would cry constantly and tell my mom it was MY turn every time she picked up my sister. (We are 18 months apart) After a little while though it got easier, and once she got old enough to do things with me, it was a lot easier. She became an asset in my mind because I had someone I could play with no matter what was going on. We were close growing up after that point, and I think that's normal for most kids around that separation in age.

Now my next sister was born when I was 7, and both of us were over the moon excited about it! Same with my brother, when I was 8. Not so much for my next sister at 10, or the last one at 11... At that point I didn't resent the "babies" though, I resented my parents for wanting so much more than they could take care of with me and S1 doing a majority of the work. But that's besides the point.

I agree with what @mrstrax said about doing your best to prepare your little man for being a big brother, and it will be inevitably on him to cope with it. (As hard as that is to witness him go through)

@Ready4theParty Please tell me your MIL at least had the decency to have this conversation away from your DD?

Poppy16 · January 2016

Adding siblings is honestly not as big a deal as many parents make it out to be in their minds. Everyone adjusts and life goes on. If you have that attitude about it, it will be a lot easier on your older child. IMO, when parents make a big deal about making the older child feel extra special, it just makes it worse. Yes, purpose to spend one-on-one time with your older child, but don't make a huge deal about it. Just incorporate them in caring for their new brother/sister, tell them what a big kid they are, and how wonderful it is that they can care for their new sibling.

As a practical thing you can do now, work on making them a bit more independent. Teach them to dress themselves, wash their own hands, and get their own water (if these things are feasible). Start teaching them to wait for things. The baby transition will be so much easier if you deal with the (inevitable) tantrums now, rather than when you have a newborn. ;-)

Ready4theParty · January 2016

Knottie9983816 said:

@Ready4theParty Please tell me your MIL at least had the decency to have this conversation away from your DD?

Decency? My MIL - OH HELL NO. She did have the conversation with DD in the room. Her husband, SFIL watches DD during the day and she was asking me about how they should set up sleeping arrangements for the new baby because DD still sleeps in the pnp at their place and loves it. She doesn't want DD to feel replaced if they use it for the new LO.

Once DD left the room, I told her that I would provide a second pnp for the baby for my own piece of mind as she suggested letting LO sleep in the mobile bassinet we lent my SIL for her baby. With a 3 yo running around I don't want my newborn sleeping on the floor in the living room, or on the counter, ect. I am sure the mobile bassinet works wonderful when it's your first child and you don't have a toddler who will pull the mobile bassinet down even if it's innocent enough to peek in at LO.

I am not looking forward to having the conversation about how to care for a newborn with them again. They got DD when she was six months, a 12 wk old is completely different especially with a big sister running around.

K&Elizabeth · January 2016

This is something I've started really thinking about. DD is so incredibly excited for her baby brother and wants him to be born now if he could. I'm mostly worried about having less time for her. We've really been trying to work on independence with her and I'm hoping it helps.

Missingchampagne · January 2016

My sister and I are four years apart. I'm a naturally jealous person, coupled with the fact that I had previously spent all my time alone with mommy (didn't go to preschool since my mom was working on her Ph.D. and just studying at home with me). It did NOT go well. At one point I was standing at the top of the stairs in a mall and actually tried to push the baby's stroller down them (yes I was a homicidal maniac of a child). For years we did not get along and made my parents marriage hell, since so much of their lives revolved around peacemaking among the children, who wouldn't stop fighting for two minutes when left alone. It definitely didn't "work itself out" and though there's love there, we still aren't the best of friends today.

On the flip side, there are things that my cousins and friends have done that I kind of wonder why my parents didn't do.

Reading books together about awesome sibling relationships, to get them excited about all the things they will teach them/do together is a good start. It's important to empower the older sibling and making them feel like they have a set of things that are exclusively their own, like a hobby you do together or something great they bring to the table.

The big brother or sister should feel like "it's so cool to be me, my mom adores me and she trusts that I'm going to be a great player on this team" instead of "my spot is being taken away and mom can only think of the baby now".

fratarra · January 2016

Thank you so much mamas. It helps not feeling alone in being worried about it. I know he will "have to deal" but I want to make it as easy as I can for everyone.
I know my mom and sister will be here from Italy when I deliver, and they keep on telling me how hard he will take it. And I don't feel they will actually make it better if they keep mentioning it. I think that's part of why I'm nervous.
Anyways, thank you!

MamaRoni · January 2016

My oldest is 8 and he was only 15 months old when our twins were born. He never had one single issue... from the get go those were his babies... his brothers.... now he is 8 and they are 7. My "baby" has just turned 3 and is the apple of their eyes. ... his brothers do no wrong and he doesn't either! Setting rules for him is tough tough because they baby him and let him do whatever he wants! Lol....
Now him..... he won't even discuss the new baby... he says no I'm mama's baby! Big brothers are thrilled to be getting another baby but he sure isnt.... I don't doubt that there will be a little bit of an adjustment but I also think my big boys will help smooth the way!
Good luck!

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