Semi-Long MIL Rant...MIL in Competition with Mom it seems...
UseTheTriforce94
member
I am really really sorry if it seems like all I do is post about my MIL or ask for MIL stories but this is the area of this pregnancy that has been the most stressful so far. I've already posted about major problems I've had with her and they just seem to keep coming. Moreso, it seems like she is starting to be competitive with my mom.
Let me start by saying, my mom and I have had a turbulent relationship for years and it wasn't until I got pregnant that we've become closer than we've ever been. MIL on the other hand, she and I were very close when we first met. I was over there all the time with BF and things were great until I got pregnant then all hell broke loose and I haven't spoken to her since November.
FFW to Christmas. BF and I just got our own place, we are extremely stressed out because we had a lot of things to figure out at once so holiday plans were the last thing on our minds. His mom text him to ask what the Christmas plan was and he told her he didn't know because we were trying to figure out what my family was doing so we could divide the days. He accidentally referred to my mom as "Mom" when he meant to put "Lexi's Mom." Cue Shitstorm. She sent him a couple pages of text saying how hurt she was that she was being excluded and how he treats his family as an afterthought and the holidays are so hard without him, even though she's seen him for every single one since he moved out. She then signed off the text, "The Other Mom." Talk about guilt trips.
So they talked at Christmas and she said the same thing, that she feels excluded because we'd been spending so much time with my mom, despite it being her fault that I want nothing to do with her seeing how much drama she's caused in such a short amount of time. We got into a fight, he eventually came around and FFW to now. We still haven't spoken, his mother and I, and last night BF and I were talking about visitors and who would help with the baby etc. My mom lives down the street whereas his mom lives on the other side of town about 30-50 minutes away. He was fine with my mom helping and whatnot but made the comment, "You know, if my mom sees your mom posting a bunch of pictures with the baby she's going to get butthurt, right?" I told him that I'm not going to restrict my mom to make MIL happy and he agrees. I asked him how he would handle it, or how would we handle that happening and he says he doesn't know, which kind of pissed me off tbh. I understand that he's in the middle but I wish he would stand up to his mom more and stop letting her steamroll him with guilt trips.
I feel like she's trying to shove my mom out and I feel like BF is going to not know how to keep that from happening. She flips out that BF accidentally called my mom, "Mom" but months ago, she put her name in my phone as "Momma *Name*" and tagged me in a post meant for her children AND has hinted several times that I call her Mom. I feel like she thinks she is the only one who can be a mother to both me and BF and it's really pissing me off. I'm tired of feeling guilty for someone else acting like a total ass but then wanting to whine about how her feelings are hurt and she's left out. I just feel that if you want to be included in things, don't start shit and cause tension that makes people not want to be around you. And I hate how I feel like if I do need help, I can't ask my mom because MIL will get offended. If I wanna take the baby to see my mom? Forget it. Unless I go see MIL right after. And I'm not opposed to the baby seeing MIL, I just don't want my mom cut out and I don't want to deal with this woman thinking that she is my mother, and that she is more important to my child.
Does anyone else have to deal with this tug of war bullshit?
Re: Semi-Long MIL Rant...MIL in Competition with Mom it seems...
Are you spending a lot more time with your mom? How does she know that? Stop telling her or posting about it if that's how she finds out.
It doesn't have to be either his mom or your mom. There is room for compromise and balance. This is where the boundaries come in that were mentioned in an older MIL/mom post. Just because the baby sees your MIL, that doesn't mean your mom is cut out or that MIL is more important. Having two grandmas that love your child is a blessing. Your MIL might do things differently but that doesn't always make them wrong.
I struggled with my relationship with my MIL at first because we are different people who do things differently. We both had to learn that and communicate clearly so assumptions weren't being made that caused hurt feelings that weren't always true. It's a work in progress but it gets better with time.
Triplets due 6/29/16 also from an IUI!
It sounds like everyone needs to sit down and have a little talk about expectations and how she shouldn't get her feelings hurt about such little things and that you are all a family now and need to support each other. Good luck!
Btw, im glad you posted this - you are not alone with the MIL drama. Im sure i will be posting soon enough about my MIL again!
Good luck with everything and keep us posted!
With Christmas, everyone was kind of scattered around so we needed to see who was doing what before making a decision. It wasn't so much that my family came before her as much as we were trying to see how we could split the day up between the two families and involve everyone. Why would she be hurt because we were trying to include everyone's family and not just hers?
I was spending more time with my mom because I still lived with her at the time. I have since moved out and only see my mom when she picks me up/drops me off for work.
Yes this grandbaby is hers just as much as my moms, but it seems to be her who thinks my mom shouldn't even be involved. My mom has no issue with her at all, but it's MIL who throws a fit any time we do ANYTHING with my mom. She was like that even before the major issues happened.
>Alright, let me clarify: She is NOT left out because I'm randomly being a bitch or #teammommy. It is NOT a matter of, "Oh hey, me and Mom are cool again so GTFO MIL." As soon as my mom and I started patching up our relationship, I was still close with MIL. However, I noticed that when I started spending time with my mom again and it wasn't all about MIL anymore, she started being snarky and disrespectful to my mom.
She HAS been left out, for now, because she's proven she doesn't know how to act on more than one occasion. I was close to her, because she had told me she had issues with her mother as well when she was my age. So I was more looking for guidance and advice, not someone who tells me, "If you ever need to get away from your mom, I have an extra bedroom." Or someone who tells my mom that she must not be as excited because she already has grandchildren.
I don't feel my mom should be punished when she's been nothing but supportive during the pregnancy, whereas MIL has stepped out of line several times before the incident mentioned in the OP. Like showing up to my mom's apartment uninvited with my BF's pitbull and saying, "Either take him or I'm just going to let him go." She knew we couldn't take him but dropped him off anyway because she was pissed at my BF. When my mom told her she wasn't happy about that, MIL shrugged and goes, "Yeah I know. Sorry." And leaves. She had already been making snarky comments prior to that, but that moment was when I lost a lot of respect for her which is when I really started to distance myself from her. Especially since she STILL has yet to apologize for any of it. So yes, while it may piss her off and seem unfair, I am favoring my mom because during such a stressful and hectic time, she's more positive and helpful, rather than confrontational and likely to throw a tantrum at the slightest thing that doesn't go her way. Yes, my mom and I had our problems, however since finding out about the baby, and since I've moved out, we've never been better. As opposed to MIL who has been a problem nonstop. Also, my mom has NEVER disrespected my MIL or had any bad feeling toward her until she made those U/S comments and did the thing with the dog.
>2. I never said your mom should be punished, or even mentioned anything close to it.
3. From an outside perspective you seem to be the one who has problems with everyone and everything. Your mom, your mother in law and now me and probably anyone else who doesn't "yes man" you.
4. Lastly, all this shit is petty. Does your MIL sound annoying? Yes. Does that mean you should cut her out from your grandchild's life as well as your husbands? Hell no. It sounds like a bunch of catty women going back and forth. Life is too short and there are actually real life problems going on. If this is the source of your "stressful and hectic" time than your a lot damn luckier than most. I for one and jealous you even have a mother in law around to annoy you. I cared for mine while 9 months pregnant and was with her when she suffocated slowly and died from ALS just missing the birth of her first grandchild. Was she needy and annoying at times with me and my husband? Yes of course! She's a mother in law! Most are. She cried and told my husband he couldn't marry me because she needed him to come home and live with her and take care of her (this was 5 years before she even got ALS) and proceeded to be mad at me for an entire year just for marrying him! Guess what? We laugh about it now. She loved him so much and didn't know another way to cope at the time. Looking back on it, it's all small shit. Don't let loosing her teach you what really matters and mostly don't take it out on your children by depriving them of people who love them.
>I'm a real hardass about this kind of stuff. My mother in law has effected my life through advice she has given DH in the past, but never to my face. we did go through years of her calling every friggin day!! Holy bananas woman, your son is a grown man.
That being said... Are you able to have a woman to woman talk with her? Discuss how you are feeling, how she is acting, and how to solve it.
Now really is time to start setting boundaries for yourself, your relationship, your kids, and acting in a way you would want your kids to see (this is a big one for me right now)
If she doesn't get it you don't have to take her crap.
I would also say to remain as respectful as possible when discussing this with BF. He needs to know but you attacking his mom may make him want to stand up for her and can cause more tension.
Wishing you good luck!! Take this head on
Certain responses? How about constructive ones? How about ones that suggest resolution as opposed to, "Get over it, my problems are bigger than yours?" And really? Name calling? But I'm the one with the attitude lol
>With Christmas, everyone was kind of scattered around so we needed to see who was doing what before making a decision. It wasn't so much that my family came before her as much as we were trying to see how we could split the day up between the two families and involve everyone. Why would she be hurt because we were trying to include everyone's family and not just hers?
I was spending more time with my mom because I still lived with her at the time. I have since moved out and only see my mom when she picks me up/drops me off for work.
Yes this grandbaby is hers just as much as my moms, but it seems to be her who thinks my mom shouldn't even be involved. My mom has no issue with her at all, but it's MIL who throws a fit any time we do ANYTHING with my mom. She was like that even before the major issues happened.
QBFI get that with Christmas and planning but looking at it from her side, it could appear like you were trying to prioritize your family's plans. I'm not sure how things were actually communicated. Maybe for some holidays, you could make plans with her first and then your family works around those plans?
I think a lot of things could be improved with better communication by everyone. There is a lot of jumping from a fight to overreactions like dropping the dog off or talking about cutting people out.
One of the best sayings I have ever heard is something along the lines of "you can't control how others act, only how you react." I repeat that to myself a lot when dealing with people that handle things differently.
Triplets due 6/29/16 also from an IUI!
>Maybe OP should give her one more chance, but MIL sounds like a person who creates a lot of drama when she doesn't get her way. If OP doesn't want to deal with her right now, that is her choice. She isn't saying she won't let the MIL see her grandbaby, but sometimes things are not equal.
My parents live 1.5 hours away, not too far but we don't see them as much as my in laws because in laws live in the next town over. My mom might get jealous that my MIL might see my baby more than her, but it's a geographical problem not a personal one.
mar101483 Thank you. I know I will talk to her at some point, I just know right now, I'm too "overemotional" to really handle it right now. I guess we'll see what happens.
huskypuppy14 Thank you for understanding where I was coming from. You know what they say, "Some people create their own storms and then get upset when it rains." Also, MIL lives on the other side of town too so BF and I talked about making a schedule to make sure no one gets left out. Hopefully that helps diffuse some of the drama.
>I can only imagine the unecessary drama and problems my MIL would have created with my pregnancy, esp since this would be her one and only grandchild since she absolutely destroyed her twin daughters by making them crippled co-dependents, both 39 year old high school dropouts that never left mom and dad, got married, had kids, or even serious long term relationships with anyone but addict loses just like daddy. Just glad my husband was raised until he was 6 by his normal grandparents, it's the only reason he's not a loser too.
Also, to help her feel included maybe you could put her in charge of something you care nothing about. For example, maybe you can say " MIL, can you help find a soft blanket for the baby's first pictures ? " or " MIL, can you help us find a cute teddy bear for the baby's first pictures ? " or " MIL, can you find some cigars for the guys to smoke when the baby is born" or " MIL, can you make your famous ______ for our first day home with the baby ?" Hopefully, these small gestures will help her feel included and special and help her calm down a bit.