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June 2016 Moms
laylahsmomma
member
*Trigger* *Long post* Any other recovering addict moms?
laylahsmomma
member
Let me start off by saying I know this may not be the best place to discuss such a controversial subject, but I'm hoping that we can discuss this topic as grownups without bashing & backlash. I am a recovering addict, I've been clean since I found out about my new pregnancy (October 7th, 2015). I started using when I was 15/16, it started out as smoking marijuana, then progressed to snorting any pill I could get my hands on, then ended with a heroin addiction with a mix of everything previously stated. After a heroin overdose I got clean because quiet frankly it scared the crap out of me. I was clean for about three years, and within those three years I suffered a missed miscarriage & relished in the birth of my now 23 m/o DD. I'm not proud to admit that I started using again after my DD was 8 months old, it started off as a single occurance of smoking a joint, but that soon escalated to smoking all the time, & after the high wasn't enough for me I discovered my worst enemy, synthetic marijuana aka spice. I had another miscarriage February 11th, 2015 while high on spice, i didn't even know I was pregnant until I started having severe stomach cramps and bleeding, went to the ER where it was confirmed. After that my addiction consumed my life, if I didn't have it the withdrawals in my opinion were 100x worse than coming down on heroin. I was broke all the time, & I really felt like the most crappiest mom alive. I only smoked when my daughter was asleep at night or if my mom had offered to keep her for a couple days, but the thought of raising my daughter while under the influence really made me sad, so I made a conscious decision to get clean. Shortly after my daughters 1st birthday, I moved in with my mother, & after two weeks of prolonged, awful withdrawals I was finally clean from spice, & I haven't touched it since. I stayed with her for a while until I decided I was ready to move back home, and things went well for a while, but then for some reason I started smoking marijuana again, nothing crazy but usually every night after my daughter would go to sleep I'd sneak outside & enjoy a joint. It never inebriated my ability to care for my daughter in anyway, I was just disappointed in myself for falling back into my past. On October 7th, 2015 I found out I was pregnant with my second angel baby, & I haven't used since. I know 100% without a doubt I won't use while I'm pregnant, & I won't use afterwards because I'm breastfeeding this baby just like I did my DD. I'm just worried about after I'm finished breastfeeding, will I have the strength not to use? Or will I fail myself, & more importantly my children, again? Rehab is out of the question, I would die if I lost custody of my children & since I'm not currently using I don't see the need to go, but I do believe I could use some consuling. I guess I just wanted to put my story out there & see if any other mommas have experienced anything similiar. Thank you all for reading, & any similar stories are appreciated ♡
Re: *Trigger* *Long post* Any other recovering addict moms?
I wish you all the best in your recovery, your pregnancy & your life's journey ahead.
@MellBabyPeeps I actually had a psychiatrist years ago, but due to problems with my insurance I had to quit attending. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder & depression early on, & she thought that a lot of my drug usage stemmed from an abusive childhood from my father & a history of molestation & rape by other family members/ family friends from the ages of 3-11. Even tho I had a crappy childhood I didn't want that to define me, but I do believe that had a lot to do with my drug dependency but I know at some point you have to take responsibility for your own actions. I'm going to do everything in my power to work with my current insurance to find a way to help cover the costs of another psychiatrist.
My mom and I have our issues but I admire her so much for kicking such a harrowing addiction when she found out she was pregnant and staying clean for 25 years. There's so many people that are unable to do that. Your children will see and appreciate the sacrifices that you made for them -- please realize that. Again, I don't have any actual experience myself, but I do have a unique perspective growing up as the daughter of a recovering addict so if you ever need to talk pm me.
@ahernandez16 Thank you so much for sharing your mother's story, it's such a hard thing to deal with but I'm so glad she was able to beat her addiction! I hope that I'm able to stay on the right path just like your mom did for my children, & hopefully you're right that they will grow up to appreciate the sacrifice & the struggle. Your post made me tear up lol darn hormones!
@fishwife799 Thank you for sharing your SIL's story, I'm very glad that she has maintained her sobriety! I live in a small rural area but I'm definitely going to look into the programs that may be available for me.
Wish you all the best.
My husband has had addiction problems as well. Not drugs, but the life controlling factor is similar. We both got a lot of help from the free 12 step program that our church developed. The website for it is https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng That has a lot of information, things to read, videos, and where to find meetings. Anyone is welcome to them. I don't know if your religious, but that helped us and maybe there is something in there that would be helpful even if you're not religious.
Also, make sure you have someone with whom you can be 100% honest and turn to when you need help. Whether that be a sponsor, friend, counselor or family member, you need to have someone who you are not afraid of judging you.
Big hugs! And best wishes. If you want to talk more just PM me.
Stay strong, and I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and beyond.
I am the daughter of 2 addicts and they lost custody of me and my siblings for a while and that was what motivated them to get clean permanently. I don't want you to have to lose your children, so I need you to take control of this now. You sound like you have the true desire not to use again. Stay focused on that goal, but find the outside help. I believe in you.
@GinnyJ2012 Thank you!
@mom2beEbby Thank you so much for that, it's so uplifting to know that so many people who don't even know me have faith in my sobriety & actually believe I can do it
I've had a decent amount of experience with addiction via family, close friends and patients. I definitely agree with finding a strong sober support group - AA or NA, perhaps. I have also seen it be helpful to fully accept that you have an addiction (seems as though you have) and that won't go away. So you need to find healthy substitutes. Meaning build a healthier life - work, hobbies, fitness, cooking, returning to school, whatever. And recognize that you might get a bit obsessive about things. That's OK - as long as it's a productive/positive obsession. Surround yourself with healthy people and those who truly encourage your sobriety and steer 100% clear of those who might tempt you back into "just a bit of partying." As we say in the Lord's prayer, "Lead us not into temptation."
Well done thus far, and you can do it.
I am a mental health and substance use therapist and know how difficult it can be to change the addict thinking and behaviors and how ridiculously mind altering substances can be. I work a lot with opiate users particularly and provide community education on opiate use, suboxone medication assisted treatment and Naloxone distribution for opiate OD. There is no shame in admitting an addiction and being willing to accept help. Agree with PPs, use any community resources, use online and apps focused on recovery steps and tools, and engage in any available form of counseling.
Since you are not a threat of harm to self or others and you are not neglecting your children children and family services would not get involved to take your kids. Do research on providers who are licensed and experienced in addictions and addiction treatment as well as mental health disorders.
You can definitely do this and use the motivation of being pregnant to stay healthy and have no reason to go back to using when you are done breast feeding. With the help of professionals, if you stay sober for one year, you have over 80% chance of staying sober in the years after!
Married 9/1/13
Off OCP 3/1/14
TTC 6/1/14
DX Endometriosis in 2002
Laparoscopy 2002 and 2007
HSG 8/2014, right tube partially blocked
1st BFP 1/5/15 EDD 9/12/15- miscarried 1/8/15
BFP 8/4/16 EDD 3/2/18- trisomy 18 girl- no heartbeat 8/25/17 at 13 weeks d&c 8/28/17
BFP 12/4/17 EDD 8/19/18
You're being proactive which is awesome and I have no doubt that you'll be successful on your journey to sobriety. Look how far you've made it already! The love you have for your kids, to take the steps to kick your addiction despite the discomfort it caused you, is very apparent, and they'll have a wonderful childhood simply because you love them.
I have dealt with drug addictions within my family, and despite having been prescribed many narcotics and very easily could have fallen into an addiction, it seems that I just don't tend to get addicted to things. However, it was something i always had to be hyper aware of and was a huge concern to me. However, in a different way it was still very hard not to take them because it did mean just submitting to being in a lot of pain. However, I too took myself off everything when I became pregnant despite that doctors said it would be okay to remain on small doses I have managed to make do with just Tylenol and accept the pain as whats necessary to keep my daughter safe. So while that doesnt offer much advice, I of course find it respectable that you too have been able to remain clean for the safety of your child.
As far as advice goes, I must follow up with what others said and highly recommend a support group! My husband and I in our own struggles have often found groups of this type to be priceless. I never thought in a million years my husband would go to one of these, and after pushing him to go and going to the first few with him, he now goes monthly without me and finds it to be the best thing for him! I know sometimes the idea of going to one is weird or scary, but I encourage you to take the step and try one out a few times! I think it may be exactly what you'll need when the breast feeding comes to an end, so it would be great to start building that relationship now.
Additionally maybe you will find that extended breast feeding will also help to some degree, maybe breast feeding longer will continue to keep you clean longer, (and continue to provide your child with awesome nutrients, etc!) and may be a win win for both of you. Obviously that will still end at some point, but could atleast help defer it somewhat.
Please don't take this the wrong way but your family might not be the support you need. If you believe your problem stemmed from your up bringing you might hold them responsible without even being aware. Our mind is very good at blocking the past when we want to but deep down we remember it. I didn't have the best of up bringings either. And I vowed at the age of 14 I was going to do great things in my life and volunteer with kids and show kids in similar situations that what was going on wasn't normal and that there are amazing things in life that they can accomplish no matter what anyone tells them. I decided to put my energy into school and my career and I swear that is the only thing that kept me from doing drugs. It's so easy to smoke to take the edge off the horrible feelings, but it takes hard work not to pick it up! Teach your children what it is like to be strong, show them what love really is, show them a life you didn't get, but above all else don't show them the life that will lead them to do what you are doing.
Good luck and be proud of yourself that you stopped using when you found out you were pregnant. You can do this!!!
She is now 23 and been addicted since the age of 15. She has been to 6 rehabs, jail, countless NA meetings and the only thing that has worked for her was she was court ordered to live at an all girls sober living home. She said it was a god send, they were extremely strict and everyday they worked. Whether it was for a charity or doing community service hours.
She also said finding god helped her. She attended church every sunday when at the home and still does to this day.
Some things she told me which maybe helpful to you:
Rehab: All 6 she went to she was able to sneak drugs in. She was never clean for more than 24 hours in all of them.
NA meetings: Most people who attend are court ordered and not looking to stay clean, She found A TON of connections there.
She said the absolute best thing is attending her church (she goes to a church called cross roads, I believe they accept anyone from any religion) . Shes able to speak with people there about anything and made a lot of positive connections.
And as for using, you just can't ever, ever do it again. Not a glass of wine, not a joint, nothing. The slope is so slippery. I do believe that if somebody truly wants sobriety, they can have it, with a lot of work. Keep up your great work and do what's right by yourself and your children. Good luck. You can do it!
Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.
DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!
Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!
I would recommend you find supports now, so that they are already in place well before the point you are fearing. Many PP have suggested NA, which I will also. That being said NA and AA are not for everyone! You could do independent research by looking into different types of support groups (that are free) in your neighborhood. A simple Google search should turn up things, and you may be surprised at the amount of them.
I agree that you do not qualify for rehab or detox at this time since you are not currently using. Here's hoping you won't need that higher level of care in the future! Because you have Medicaid your out of pocket costs for mental health care should actually be relatively low (depending on what state you live in). Many of my clients have Medicaid or Medicare for their primary insurance and have little to no cost for treatment. You could contact your state's Department of Mental Health or research local non profit agencies, those will likely be the most affordable. I think you would benefit from regular individual and group therapy.
Please feel free to reach out to me or any PP throughout your pregnancy for support. You don't need to suffer in silence anymore. Keep up the great work, I know you will be phenomenal.
Good luck to you and again, just remember help is always out there.