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May 2016 Moms
kp90
member
Need to vent.
kp90
member
So I have two issues... one, I need to vent and my fellow May mommas always help me feel better and give good insight. The second issue is more pregnancy related. This may turn into a long rant so I'll apologize now and if you stop reading midway... I don't blame you!
So my first issue.. I'll give you some background. I am a nurse and have been at this job with the same people for over 3 years now. There is only one other nurse that works here with me doing exactly what I do and since we are outpatient our hours are the same M-F. I see this woman daily. We USED to share a small office until just recently when we moved to our new building and now THANK GOD we have separate offices.. but sometimes even that doesn't help. I feel like ever since I've become pregnant this woman has it out for me. I feel like she purposely goes out of her way to be an ass and say completely stupid things. (I posted about her before on twat waffle Tuesday because she called me a "fat pig" when I was eating a mid afternoon snack one day, so there's just a small example) Most recently she has started leaving work or leaving for lunch, meetings, end of day, etc. without telling me when before we always communicated this with each other. She doesn't speak to me when passing in the halls unless she needs something and yesterday she came in and I had just eaten an orange and she comes in and says "Okay, miss eats all the time." and my response was... "yeah... I'm pregnant" to which she responded "so". I wanted to punch her. THEN she saw a frame another doctor gave to me for me to put an US picture in and one when baby is born and she picks it up and says "Ohhh puke.. ohh yuck".... I'm like are you F*&&^&*#@ kidding me right now?? Now someone told her that I plan to take 12 weeks maternity leave instead of the 6 weeks she was ASSUMING I was taking and now she's being extra spiteful. Mind you... this is a grown ass woman. I am just so tired of her comments and the way she treats me and not communicating almost just as a way to 'get back at me' type thing. I don't know how I should be handling this. And no I cannot tell my boss because he and her go way back and are good friends.. so that will not work in my favor or fix anything. I feel it's going to take me coming off my rocker and putting her in her place. I don't know. Enough of that or I could go on all day.
2nd issue... I was told on Monday I have some protein in my urine and they said its because I'm dehydrated and not drinking enough water. I have also been getting very bad headaches... not sure if this is due to the water intake or my work stress!! Any of you been told the same thing and what are you doing or how much water do you drink daily?
Sorry for the long post.... -_- Just very stressed.
Re: Need to vent.
I don't have any advice on the protein thing. I have noticed that if I don't drink enough, then I get bad headaches. I think I average about 5-6 16oz bottles a day.
As for your twat coworker, I would ask her straight out if there is an issue. I would also make it very clear that you don't appreciate the comments that she is making. Sometimes people just need to be asked upfront these things because they think they can get away with everything. If it continues, I would see no issue in speaking to your boss and then to HR eventually.
Sounds like your headaches are a combo of the stress and dehydration.
Seriously, WTF is her problem?! I have no idea what possesses some people to be super douches but for some reason pregnancy can bring out the worst in people. Has she had any children or ever been pregnant? Not to excuse her atrocious behavior, but maybe she has some sensitivity towards pregnancy or children due to some personal issue. Regardless, there is no excuse for her horrible attitude and mean comments. It really complicates things when there are office politics to consider and it feels like jerks like her have special treatment or protection from upper ups. For your health (and the sake of the job) I would try to limit your interactions with her as much as possible. Her energy is poison and you don't need that now. Going ape sh*t on her (while super tempting!) probably won't help matters and may just make it worse. Just vent to people you trust (like us crazy Bumpies!) and keep on doing what you need, even if that means having a few extra snacks during the day. You gotta keep mama and baby happy and screw everyone else!
As for the protein in your urine, it is most definitely a result of dehyrdation, but don't discount the role that stress plays in the equation. Putting this witch in perspective and realizing that she really shouldn't have any power over you can help you see that she is just a small, petty person who doesn't deserve to introduce unnecessary stress. Maybe look into deep breathing and meditation to help relieve stress at work. Also, chug that water! I know, easier said than done, but it will help reduce headaches and keep your kidneys happy so they don't keep spilling proteins.
Not to freak you out, but how is your blood pressure? Maybe check it a few times during the day to make sure it is staying within range. I know that headaches, vision problems, and protein in my urine were the first signs of pre-e during my first pregnancy. Not that you have it, but just something to keep an eye on and catch earlier rather than later. Just take care of yourself and don't listen to the haters.
It sounds like she's just going to keep being rude until you remind her that you're equals and also that you're in a work environment, so unless she has something professionally related and appropriate to say, then you're not interested in her commentary on your personal choices. How much or how frequently you eat is absolutely none of her business, pregnant or not. Sounds like someone needs to be put back in her place!
DS: Born 5-17-16
I agree with the other posters who say to limit your interactions with her as much as possible. But still, it sounds like she sneaks in her commentary whenever she can. You absolutely should say something if it is affecting you - you have a right to be comfortable at work. Whether you say something to her or to your superiors is up to you, but please don't just sit back and take it.
I would definitely confront her. I'd also document the stuff she has said to you just in case you go to HR later. I wouldn't personally go to HR in this situation prior to attempting to handle it myself, but if it gets out of hand then you will have the notes to back up you. Sorry you have to put up with his.
It is possible that she has some resentment and/or infertility issues, but as a infertility patient myself, I never lashed out at pregnant people, I just kept quiet.
I hope it helps to let it out here, and I hope you know we have your back! Hey, don't bully the pregnant lady! Ok time for a snack. (and more water of course)
Mama to Three Girls:
Twins born March 2014 at 26 weeks due to preterm labor
and our 37weeker born May 9th, 2016!
Also, I would definitely keep an eye on your headaches and blood pressure. Pre-eclampsia is important to catch early. Before we realized I had pre-e I was getting horrible headaches from high BP, but my BP would only spike at night so my doctor thought it was just stress from work. Eventually my BP went high and never went down again and I was admitted to the hospital.
Thanks ladies, I knew I could count on you to give great insight and help make me feel better. All your ideas are great and I want to approach her that way @babyfmama but at the same time I feel like if I do that I'm letting her win because she will know she is getting to me. Does that make sense? What I want is for her to think it doesn't bother me but yet again maybe to get it to stop I need to stand up for myself and just straight up be a complete B to her and tell her I'm done taking her shit every single day and essentially back her into a corner with nothing to stand on. I will say that if ONE smart remark leaves her mouth about my 12 weeks leave... it will not be a pretty scene. I can count on that.
@js8812 @jennys86 @laurenmdrn16 She is in her late 40s, she has a son who is 30 something (they live in different states and haven't seen each other in years... they talk but minimal) she was never married to his dad, she was married to another man for 11 years and they divorced.. now she has a 'long distance' with a friend who she claims they are together but to me it seems more like he buys her things and takes her on trips now and then.. and we are of different racial backgrounds (not that that should matter but maybe it plays a factor in her feelings towards me, I really have no idea why she is so hateful towards me) but anyways.. there's the background on her.
I really wish I didn't let her get under my skin and stress me out so much... especially now... I just can't comprehend ever treating someone the way she does me. Very frustrating!
Thank you. I will monitor it a few times a day at work and at night once I get home.. at my appointments its always fine and they never said anything about it. My headaches have been consistent the past week though.
I really think you need to document things and discuss with your boss. Even if your boss and her are friends its really important that your boss knows what's going on. I do also think confronting her is a good idea - after your boss knows and you discuss it when them because if you just bring her into a room and close the door, no matter how nice you are, it could backfire. If you mention to your boss you are having issues, state what the issues are - leave emotions out of it - and what you would like to do to confront it, then you have a safety net if it blows up. Alternatively e-mail is also a good way to go. Type what you want to say, leave it for a couple of hours, then come back to it and send. And CC your boss into it.
Stay away from comments that start with "you keep doing this". Instead say things like "When you say XYZ I feel ..." Then it's non confrontational and leaves accusations out of it.
good luck!
ETA leaving and not telling you, your boss needs to know that. I work in a hospital and frankly that's a safety thing. You need to know that your colleague is out of the office. I think you boss would be very concerned about that because thats also a professional issue.
If she's really just being a twat, next time she makes a snide comment, I would say something to the effect of if you can't say anything nice, just don't say anything. I had a coworker tell me in December that I looked huge. I told her that I had only gained 4 pounds total but she continued to say "your stomach is huge." I finally told her she was being rude and walked away. Has she spoken to me much since then? No. But I don't regret saying something because if I had allowed it, she would continue to say something. And I don't need that crap in my life.
Stand up for yourself but in a professional way. You shouldn't have to hear comments like that at work. And if she doesn't stop....
This. It seems like she's extremely jealous of you being pregnant. I'd be upfront with her (though I know that's extremely hard sometimes), but she may just need a dose of her own medicine. Perhaps, if you do confront her about it, I would see about sitting down with your boss as soon as possible afterwards to just discuss what was going on, what you did, etc. Not to "out-do" her, but rather make sure your boss is getting YOUR point of the situation before she comes in and skews it. He could see it her way anyways, but at least if you go to HR, you showed initiative and went to your boss first (technically) and followed the chain of command. So sorry you're dealing with this!
As for the protein, I don't have advice other than drink more water! Add berries or flavoring to make it more attractive to you. Try milk, tea, or low-sugar juice that also counts. Hope you feel better soon!
Focusing on the concrete (especially the leaving without telling you) will help make clear that you're not bringing any animosity to the matter: you're just concerned that the lack of respect she is showing you is damaging the work you're both doing, and that it's not that she's getting to you, but that she's undermining the practice's work performance.
And then you can address the hostile comments, either with HR or with her directly ("I don't appreciate that kind of comment"; "Is that really something you want to say to me?"; "Please stop commenting on my body/eating habits, it is none of your business"; "Perhaps if you talked to me like a human being and not a punching bag you wouldn't have thought to assume I was only taking 6 weeks of leave"... (that last one's a little too passive aggressive, but you get the picture!)).
When I have an issue like this, I always try to be as calm as possible. I think that gives you a little power right away. And then I politely but frankly address the issues I have with someone. That way, whatever happens, I know I have acquitted myself well. I think it is also a good idea to have a third party present who can objectively recall the course of the conversation. Someone from HR is a great choice for this, as others have said.
She really is creating a hostile work environment for you so this should be something that your HR dept and your boss consider!
Good luck!
And @wsgjmw1 thank you!!
I had a really hard time with other women being pregnant when we were trying. I wasn't this rude about it but it definitely brought up some undesirable feelings. Being able to get it out in the open with those women really helped. Maybe it isn't being pregnant, who knows. I would ask her before going to your boss. If you ask her about it and reach out to her and things don't improve, that's when I would go to the boss. With my experience with bosses, when I've heard of conflicts between coworkers who go to a boss, they just look at you and ask what did you do to improve the situation first.
I have a 36oz cup I fill with water everyday. I have to drink water constantly or my contractions get worse. I hate drinking water. So, I put a straw in my cup and it makes me inadvertently drink more/faster than I would without the straw (weird I know but it works). Also, I don't know how your HB is but before mine kicked in squeezing lemon in my water helped too.
ETA: headaches is a huge tell tell you're not drinking enough water.
Been married since 2009.
Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
Several MCs
DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
Edited to fix grammar errors
Yes even for non-pregnant folks dehydration can cause protein. Try to focus on getting more fluids in.
Sending good vibes and for less stress!
I'm 24 weeks at at my last appointment I had a small amount of protein in my urine too. They told me it can be dehydration, it can also be that
Your natural vaginal secretions got into your urine, those secretions also contain protein. My midwife told me to only worry if it's a LOT of protein, because that says your kidneys are shutting down due to pre-eclampsia and dumping their protein.
If that doesn't work, you've tried everything, and all you can do from there is just try to not let it affect you and your mood too much (even though this might be hard)?
But, as was said before, keeping a note of incidents / comments / copies of emails (if there are any bad emails)... might come in handy if it comes to that point.
Water: If I don't drink enough I get awful headaches and I just feel plain terrible. I drink a minimum of 2 liters per day.
I can't promise that if you were to do what I did, it would work out the same way. But to echo a few previous posters: start documenting stuff. As tempting as it might be to start stuff now, you'll probably thank yourself later. I started a notebook and wrote in all the stuff that my coworker had done already, and then from there I started writing in dates/times as things happened (it actually made me kind of happy every time she'd say/do something, because in my head I was like "Yes! One more thing to add to it!"). I also documented some of my own work/the time it took me to complete tasks/etc, just in case she tried to fire back at me with something (which she did, so it ended up being really awesome to see the look on her face when I was able to prove that she was making it up). By the time I reached the point where I just could not deal with her anymore, I had a pretty good case for myself.
Yes, reporting it would be admitting that she's getting to you, but I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't already well aware of that by now - otherwise she wouldn't keep doing what she's doing. Reporting it to HR or a higher-up still counts as standing up for yourself. Just make sure that when you do, you have something to back up what you're telling them.
Be civil. Ask to speak to her alone, although as a teacher of 12 years, you are always better off having another witness to the issue. Ask her if there is a problem and assert yourself that you will not tolerate rude, insensitive remarks. Do not let her explain why she feels justified in doing what she does - whatever the reason, it needs to stop and that's all that matters. By letting it happen, you are allowing it continue - you're giving her full permission to continue the assaults. Once you have confronted her, then you wait. IF she continues, then you need to go to her boss.
Perhaps the boss and her go way back, but you still need to report it to your boss as a means of documenting the incident. By letting him know what's going on, you put the ball in his court and he is liable should you take it higher up and they find he "let it slide." In essence, you are following chain of command. If you start getting hostile treatment from the boss, then you have more grounds for a hostile work environment complaint.
Your last step should be HR. By all means, if it continues, file a compliant for hostile work environment. They'll want to see your documentation of incidents and whether you spoke to the individual and her supervisor. Once they see those in place, they can then act on it. If your boss covered for her or failed to do anything, he could be in hot water.
The important thing is, put a STOP to it NOW. This will only add stress to your pregnancy and not good for baby.