Asking significant other to stop smoking/drinking during our pregnancy

Doritoss · January 2016

Hello all!

Newly pregnant here with my first and looking for advice.

I've asked my husband to stop drinking and smoking (cigarettes and marijuana) during my pregnancy. With my hormones raging, I'm not too sure about much anymore.

I figure that I am/will be sacrificing a lot and that he needs to too since he made me pregnant? Is this crazy? Am I just being selfish for wanting him to be miserable with me? Is anyone else asking their significant other to stop? Advice?

mouse1029 · January 2016

We are not drinkers or smokers, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt, but I wouldn't make my husband quit to be "miserable with me" but I would encourage him to decrease usage/quit to begin a healthier life style, save money and decrease your exposure to second hand smoke before baby gets here. As far as drinking goes, as long as it's not a daily thing or addiction, I would never say something to my husband about having a social drink when I'm pregnant. We take turns as designated drivers other times and really don't see pregnancy any different.

tryingforbabyf · January 2016

I agree with PP. Overall, limiting or quitting smoking is a move toward a healthier lifestyle, which will be good for everyone in your family in the long run. Additionally, I would be concerned about second-hand smoke. Best of luck.

edited for spelling.

bananers · January 2016

DH isn't a smoker, but if he were I would probably ask him to quit for health reasons and so baby and I weren't exposed to secondhand smoke. But I would never ask him to stop drinking unless he had a problem. In fact, I'm encouraging him to take advantage of the fact he has a DD for 9 months and will ask that he makes it up to me once I'm done breastfeeding.

imakeeff0rts · January 2016

I can see asking him to quit for health reasons (look up the effects of second hand smoke on unborn babies and infants if you need to present him with hard facts about why it's bad for your child).
That said, the "you can't because I can't" attitude is unreasonable and has the potential to create some issues within your relationship.

Should he choose not to quit, it's not unreasonable to ask/demand that he not do those things with you, and eventually your LO, present.

Kjack85 · January 2016

DH smoked occasionally while we date and awhile after we married. I always hated it. Before TTC and getting pregnant, I became more adamant about him stopping for healthy reasons. He eventually quit. As far as drinking...he drinks and I don't mind. It doesn't matter that I can't drink. I think if your only reason is so he can "suffer sober" with you isn't good. If anything trying to force him to quit may cause resentment and friction in your marriage.

ZedPM3 · January 2016

If you want him to stop just so he can be miserable with you, then yes, you are being selfish.

If you want him to stop for health reasons (especially the smoking!), then no, that's not selfish - secondhand smoke is bad for you and baby.

Mine doesn't smoke, but he still has a drink every now and then. I haven't even thought to ask him to stop.

shelbiboston · January 2016

I smoked before I got pregnant. As soon as I found out, I quit (of course) and asked DH to quit with me. He dips and I don't mind that as much, but I kind of had the whole "c'mon, you can sacrifice smoking" mentality and he agreed with me. He still has a cigarette every now and then but he has cut back A LOT. If it was selfish of me to ask him to quit with me, he didn't take offense to it. I don't think the reason matters as much as the benefits of not smoking. Lol. I think its just whatever you are comfortable with. I would have a talk with him and explain how you feel.

jamiesc58 · January 2016

My husband smokes. I have not ever asked him to quit completely because that ultimately has to be a choice that he makes for himself, but he does respect the baby and I and doesn't smoke in the car or around me anymore. Nobody has ever smoked in our house so I don't have to worry about that anyway.

bsckgb7 · January 2016

ZedPM3 said:

If you want him to stop just so he can be miserable with you, then yes, you are being selfish. If you want him to stop for health reasons (especially the smoking!), then no, that's not selfish - secondhand smoke is bad for you and baby. Mine doesn't smoke, but he still has a drink every now and then. I haven't even thought to ask him to stop.

^^ This. Surely he isn't smoking around you and second-hand smoke isn't an issue. .

My husband knows dipping is bad for him. I don't have to tell him that repeatedly. That's called a nag.

lalalorelai · January 2016

So before I got pregnant, I used to joke that H would have to sign a "conception contract" before I agreed to TTC, where he would agree to do things like give up drinking while I was pregnant and try on one of those labor simulators so he knew what I was going through.

But that was a joke. I would never actually ask my H to do something for the sole purpose of being miserable. That's not exactly being a good partner. And, honestly, it sounds a bit controlling and spiteful. I get that it sucks to sit there and watch your H drink a beer when you can't, but we also get to experience carrying a child and giving birth and they never will. Trade offs, you know?

I would apologize to him ASAP.

smilormarie · January 2016

So he needs to stop smoking. For your health, his, and the future baby. There are some great stop smoking aids out there, resources, medications, and counsellors so he should be provided adequate support. If this was a planned pregnancy, I would like to think he took smoking into consideration and would have started steps to reduce usage when you found out you were pregnant. Cold turkey is probably not an option so make sure you explain how supportive you would like to be. He's going to be super cranky with the nicotine withdrawal.

Although there probably isn't much harm with smoking an occasional joint outside it doesn't really set a good precedent seeing as how he's going to be a father and that time and money should be spent on getting your home ready for a baby.

As for alcohol, not knowing your situation and whether either or both of you have moderate alcohol dependency, he may need help in that department as well. If it's a dependency issue, seeing a doctor and getting treatment would be best. If it's an occasional beer or two a few nights a week while watching a game... Well I don't think it's worth the argument as his light drinking on occasion should not cause direct harm to himself, you, or the baby, as long as he's not driving under the influence.

1. Hold firm to the cigarettes. There are so many options and alternatives.
2. Discuss the cost and potential legal ramifications of marijuana use and whether he wants to take on those risks with a baby on the way.
3. Don't fret about his occasional beer unless you two are super strapped for money. He deserves some outlet considering he has a big responsibility on the way in less than 7 months.

Good luck!!

Doritoss · January 2016

Thank you everyone for your input and advice!

I apologized immediately and told him to go ahead and smoke/drink if he wants to! He doesn't have a dependency problem but I did mention that he might think about cutting back to save money while we still can. I didn't even consider build up resentment that would cause our relationship but I can see how it can now.

Thank you everyone! I'm so thankful for you all!

brittanyns5 · January 2016

DH and I both smoked.before my pregnancy. I immediately quite obviously. DH has quite for the most part. By the most part I mean if he's really stressed he will smoke a half of one but he always steps away from me. As for drinking he slowed down going out with his friends on his own. Yes he still goes out but not everyday of the weekend. He has honestly done amazing.

Abfisher · January 2016

My husband dips and drinks and I haven't asked him to quit since I became pregnant. I do get a little jealous that he can have a beer or glass of wine and I cant! I used to nag about his dipping before I was pregnant. Now that I am pregnant, and haven't said a word about, he began buying nicorette gum and is cutting back. It's funny what they will do when we stop nagging

I don't know how frequently your husband smokes weed. I don't know what state you live in, but marijuana is only decriminalized in a couple of states. Even then, employers don't tolerate marijuana use. As for the marijuana use, I personally would want that to stop. If he is employed and gets random drug tested, or has an injury at work and gets tested, he'd lose his job. I also don't think taking the legal risks is worth an occasional joint, especially with a baby on the way.

whitney812 · January 2016

I haven't asked my husband to quit (drinking). In fact, I've encouraged him to have fun since this is the last time in his life when we won't have the responsibility of kids (it's our first). Honestly though he's slowed down since I have been pregnant, so it must be his fatherly instincts kicking in

beenabee · January 2016

My husband doesn't smoke but we both used to drink on occasion. We both agree pregnancy and having a child is a team effort and something you go through together so he has no problem giving up drinking for a few months with me and I see nothing wrong with asking him to

charmedlifex3 · January 2016

I've been encouraging my husband to continue his nightly glass of wine, but I've put my foot down about his biggest vice - Cookies.

He's nearly 40, has gained significant weight in the last year, and cookies are something which do NOT need to be in our house. That being said... I found a little pile of cookies on his night stand this morning.

Do I fight about it with him? No, but I remind him I want him by my side in thirty years, and encourage him to go to the doctor to talk about managing his weight.

If it is something which impacts his long term ability to be there for you and your baby, you absolutely have the right to ask him to use these months to make changes. Should he quit for now, to "go through pregnancy with you?" No. That's silly.

Should he quit smoking because of the health ramifications? Yes. MJ because of the potential legal and employment ramifications? Yes. He needs to do everything he can to be there, and be able to be a partner to you and a father to this child? Yes.

I wouldn't worry about the smoking and drinking in the context of him needing to support you (aside from not smoking around you while you are growing a human), but in the context of his own health, and the fact he is about to be one of the two most important people in the world to this kiddo.

My husband's father smoked for 40 years, and still does. He couldn't come to our wedding because of the health complications caused by this. My DH was crushed - and terrified for his father who is still struggling with health issues, and at only 60 MAY live to meet our child.

In contrast, my grandfather quit smoking in his late twenties, and at nearly 90, will drive himself to the hospital to meet the little.

THIS is why you should encourage him and support him in quitting... but you can't make that choice for him.

SkiChic626 · January 2016

I don't care much about the drinking thing. Actually, I tell DH that he has an involuntary dd for the next several months if ever wants to have fun. However, the smoking, I would definitely encourage that to just stop all together ASAP. Remind him of the health consequences to you and especially the baby both in utero and once born. And obviously if he does stop, omg what a HUGE benefit for him and his livelihood!

Diimari15 · January 2016

I've simply asked my husband and all my friends (this area has a disproportionate amount of smokers) to not smoke around me-they are all very understanding. I quit 3 years ago when we first got engaged and since then he has tried to cut back.
As for drinking I don't care about him having a beer or two when he gets home, but he's having a hard time understanding that more than that-I believe-can be extremely disrespectful to my situation. He doesn't go to excess a lot but once or twice has. I also simply have a hard time verbally expressing myself, and with my hormones raging has made a few pretty tense days. I'm working on it in my own way (I write letters to him to get things out) But a drink of the end of the day is no big deal in my eyes.

Want a personalized experience?

Asking significant other to stop smoking/drinking during our pregnancy

Re: Asking significant other to stop smoking/drinking during our pregnancy

Choose Another Board

Search Boards