Baby shower etiquette question

mbensonb · January 2016

Hi, sorry about the long post but I've got a kind unique situation and it is causing some stress about weather or not a baby shower is appropriate in my situation so I wanted some options.

This is my first pregnancy but I am not a first time mom. We have been doing foster care for infants and toddlers for a while and are in the process of adopting 2 little boys, brothers who are 14 months and 2 months old. The 2 month old we have had since he was discharged from the hospital.

My mom and mil want to throw me a baby shower but I don't think that it's appropriate since I have been mom for a few years and our friends and family have been so supportive of us doing foster care. We really don't need any baby stuff, and I don't enjoy being the center of attention.

But I don't want to burst their bubble either, even though I don't feel right letting them throw me a party that the attendees will feel obligated to bring a gift to since I am not a first time mom. We did not have a shower or anything when we started foster care but it still just feels kind of greedy some how.

I don't trust my hormonal brain right now, thoughts anyone?

Ready4theParty · January 2016

I think that is up to you. Part of me says let your family have a moment to celebrate having their first grand child from you.

As a person who has thrown multiple showers for family and friends I am just excited for the mom/bride and just want her and the baby to feel loved.

My suggestion is to go with it. If they want to throw you a shower why not?

olivemomma · January 2016

Maybe you could still do a celebration of sorts to welcome he baby and celebrate your first pregnancy but not ask for gifts. Or if people feel compelled and you really don't need any gear maybe money towards a college fund for the kids? I do think a shower is perfectly acceptable in this situation though. And it's amazing what you are doing for those two little boys!

JadaBlue · January 2016

If your concern is etiquette, you're in the clear. There is nothing questionable about your situation. If it's more about being the center of attention and not wanting to receive gifts, politely decline. I'm sure your loved ones want to celebrate you, not make you miserable! And congratulations.

mrstrax · January 2016

I'd say let them throw the shower as a celebration, but instead of a card in the invite with your registries, have Mom/MIL say something along the lines of "Because of their heart for fostering children, Jack and Jill have most of what they need for Baby Boy/Girl/LastName. Any gift is appreciated, but gifts of diapers or contributions to the children's college fund would be most helpful to their rapidly growing family."

Sarcasm101 · January 2016

mrstrax said:

I'd say let them throw the shower as a celebration, but instead of a card in the invite with your registries, have Mom/MIL say something along the lines of "Because of their heart for fostering children, Jack and Jill have most of what they need for Baby Boy/Girl/LastName. Any gift is appreciated, but gifts of diapers or contributions to the children's college fund would be most helpful to their rapidly growing family."

Please, please don't write this. Either register (you can register for diapers/ wipes/ buttpaste/ etc) or don't, but asking for cash is super tacky.

rebelone · January 2016

Sarcasm101 said:

mrstrax said:

I'd say let them throw the shower as a celebration, but instead of a card in the invite with your registries, have Mom/MIL say something along the lines of "Because of their heart for fostering children, Jack and Jill have most of what they need for Baby Boy/Girl/LastName. Any gift is appreciated, but gifts of diapers or contributions to the children's college fund would be most helpful to their rapidly growing family."

Please, please don't write this. Either register (you can register for diapers/ wipes/ buttpaste/ etc) or don't, but asking for cash is super tacky.

I second this. It comes off greedy/ungrateful if someone says, "we have enough things but if you really want to give us anything then give us money or diapers."

mrstrax · January 2016

rebelone said:

Sarcasm101 said:

mrstrax said:

I'd say let them throw the shower as a celebration, but instead of a card in the invite with your registries, have Mom/MIL say something along the lines of "Because of their heart for fostering children, Jack and Jill have most of what they need for Baby Boy/Girl/LastName. Any gift is appreciated, but gifts of diapers or contributions to the children's college fund would be most helpful to their rapidly growing family."

Please, please don't write this. Either register (you can register for diapers/ wipes/ buttpaste/ etc) or don't, but asking for cash is super tacky.

I second this. It comes off greedy/ungrateful if someone says, "we have enough things but if you really want to give us anything then give us money or diapers."

I typically agree that cash asks are tacky, but as a guest I would take exception to a college fund. I guess it also depends on your guest list. My showers were only close family (people who knew what we had and didn't have already) so that's what I think of. If your list is any bigger than that I agree and rescind my statement

fourtsixand2 · January 2016

There is nothing "tacky" about allowing someone to host a shower for you. That is perfectly acceptable.
Even the idea of being thrown a shower for an adoption, to me, seems perfectly acceptable, if that were the case.

If you're concerned about etiquette, you're all good. I think you should allow them to throw you a shower and be very happy about it....it's a wonderful and much-deserved celebration!!!

Jules08 · January 2016

I 100% DO NOT think you are breeching any etiquette rules if Mom and MIL host a baby shower for you. You have a unique situation and it is completely acceptable.

In regards to registering and needs. I see where the appeal of a donation to a college fund comes in. Maybe have Mom / MIL suggest that as an option if a guest asks them for ideas rather than writing it out. I think you will find things that you can register for, having a 5 (?) month old and a NB in the house, you may need to double up on some items. I would consider registering at Target as then you can also add that you are accepting gift cards on the registry and then you will be able to use those as your family needs immediately or in the future.

AnnikaD20 · January 2016

I've been to a shower for an adoption of a 3yr old. It was a celebration of a couple becoming parents and it didn't feel weird at all. No etiquette issues whatsoever, and it was fun shopping for potty training gear and craft supplies instead of onesies and bottles. Whether the adoption is finalized first or the bio kid comes first, you're still officially becoming parents sometime in the next few months. Not that fostering isn't a big deal, and the day to day mechanics are not really going to change, but people still celebrate weddings when the couple has been living together for years. There's something special about making things permanent and legally official.

Even if you don't need any big ticket items, you can register for consumables (diapers, wipes, formula, etc.), or things you'd like to have that aren't absolute needs. Maybe you'd like a fancy baby carrier or a better/double stroller, an outdoor slide or playhouse or water table for the 14mo old, or just really cute new bibs or hats or whatever you like, and there are always great toys (can you have too many duplos or bath toys?). And with 3 kids close in age, are there things that would be nice to have more spares?

I felt weird with my shower too, cause DH and I are pretty well off and didn't really need other people to contribute. But people who genuinely love you and want to celebrate with you just seem to get a thrill out of getting you nice things.

So my vote is obviously in favor of doing the shower. But if you really don't want one, you can politely refuse.

kalanieileen · January 2016

Speaking of baby showers, out of curiosity, for STMs how many guests attended your shower vs how many you invited?

DH thinks I should expect around 40 people at mine but that number seems so excessive to me.

cortney626 · January 2016

kalanieileen said:

Speaking of baby showers, out of curiosity, for STMs how many guests attended your shower vs how many you invited? DH thinks I should expect around 40 people at mine but that number seems so excessive to me.

There are different factors...size of family/ friends, how local everyone is. I had 2 different showers with my 1st. My mom threw one for my side and my MIL threw one for her side of the family. We both have good sized families and there were around 40 people at each shower. We had probably 95% of those invited show up because everyone is pretty local.

JadaBlue · January 2016

I would expect most all local invites to attend (a baby is a big deal!) unless you're inviting acquaintances rather than friends/family. I'm hosting a shower in a couple of weeks and only one/30 guests has declined because she'll be out of town.

Poppy16 · January 2016

Congrats on being in the process of adopting your little boys! We are also foster parents and are in the process of adopting a 2 year old girl who's been with us for 1.5 yrs. It's not for the faint of heart.

We had a shower for our first bio-son, and then one (6 years later) for our first daughter that we adopted from foster care. My personality is that I really don't like being the center of attention. I was uncomfortable for both showers. But what we did for the second one was to say that we didn't need anything, and we asked instead for donations for a friend's adoption fund. She was a mutual friend of nearly everyone attending, so I don't think anyone thought it was a breach of etiquette (and if they did, oh well!) She ended up getting a pretty sizable amount.

So I think that if you don't want to have a shower, and you don't need anything, just politely decline. But if you feel like you *must* have one for family's sake, I don't see anything wrong with deferring gifts, or asking people to donate towards something else.

mbensonb · January 2016

Thank you to everyone for the help after talking to family we decided to do a baby meet and greet after Iver is born. That way our friends and family can meet our whole new family and the attention is where is should be on my trio of sweet little boys

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