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June 2016 Moms
lilbitt3
member
When to have guests after baby is born
lilbitt3
member
Hi ladies! I am starting to feel anxious about my sister coming after the baby is born. She lives about 6 hours away and is married with two young kids (4 and 9). I am a first time mom and don't know what to expect those first few weeks but I do plan to breastfeed and I know it will be a big learning experience for me and the baby and my husband and I will be exhausted. My sister basically said she wants to come down with her entire family right when the baby is born and stay for 2-3 weeks! I told her I was a little nervous about that but she said they don't expect us to "host" them and they would help around the house. I asked if she could just come down in the beginning and the rest of the family come down in a few weeks but she said she can't leave her husband with the kids for more than a few days. Have any of you had a house full of people right when you brought a newborn home (including two young kids?!?) How can I get her to understand that I just don't feel comfortable with that?
Re: When to have guests after baby is born
Regardless, I would just be honest with her, and tell her maybe later in the summer. Ask her just to come for a few days, alone, if she really wants to stay. If she doesn't get it, she is being selfish. But she is probably offering to help because she does know how tough it is to have a new baby.
DST T4L
I would just tell her firmly that as a first time mom it's important to you and your DH to have time to settle into your own routine at home, and that as much as you'd like to see them, you do not feel comfortable having her entire family at your house. If she wants to come alone for X days, she is welcome, but you are not comfortable with everyone coming until Y weeks after you're home (if you want them to come at all). If she continues to push back, I'd say this is the decision DH and I have made, and this is what's best for our family, so please respect our wishes.
Frankly, I think your sister is way out of line in insisting her entire family should come for that long to stay at your house so soon after your baby's born.
I know your sister (and my mother in law!) means well! Just let her know she might be more of a help after a couple weeks. Be honest.... Give yourself time to breathe.
I kinda got out of dealing with this because my son was lifeflighted a couple hours after birth and we spent a week in the NICU. DH and I's parents made the drive to the NICU to meet their grandson but didn't stay the whole week (each set stayed a day or two, and they weren't there on the same days). When we got home DS was still on continual oxygen which scared both of my sisters away from our house (they didn't want to get him sick or anything). Basically, our entire families all live in our town, so we didn't have to deal with "stay the night" houseguests either way - but honestly it was kind of nice not having a lot of people coming and going all the time because they were all terrified of getting him sick while his lungs were healing.
That being said - with this baby, Im more comfortable having family around (but also, this is because I know no one will be staying the night at our house - they come for an hour or two and then take off). I feel like as Im on my second, Im a little more prepared on how to care for my newborn than I was the first time.
Mrs. H
Crohn's Dx: August 2008
Endometriosis Dx: May 2010
Married: 05/19/2012
TTC #1: June 2013
BFP: December 2013
DS: Born 08/29/2014
TTC #2: July 2015
BFP #2: September 25, 2015
I think it depends on your personality but that would be too overwhelming for me. With my first we didn't have any overnight guests but had visitors almost everyday for the first two weeks. it was way too much for me. I know everyone wanted to help by holding the baby and giving me a break but for me, I just really needed some time to adjust to my new normal. Even though everyone keeps telling me I'm going to need help when the twins get here, I'm tempted to say no visitors for the first two weeks.
This will be your first experience setting boundaries for the sake of your kids and your family! When it was just me and my husband, we gave into a lot of things for the sake of keeping the peace. So when my DS got here, everyone expected us to go with the flow like before. But I ended up having to set a lot of boundaries for what I felt was best for my son. It caused a rift with my MIL (who has zero boundaries) but you got to do what's best for you family! if you feel like it will be too much for you to have your sister and family there, you need to be honest and tell her. This is the time where your feelings, wants and needs come before anyone else!
I didn't want anyone at my house, not even my parents, for at least a week. Visitors stressed me out as I was trying so hard to get the breastfeeding thing down. It is so nice to have people come and help here and there though! And I definitely wanted visitors to call before dropping by (unlike my husbands very elderly grandfather and his girlfriend).
Dh and I live 2 +hours from any family or close friends and I know that both my mom and his mom want to be here and help but it's such a drive that they are going to want to stay. Add to that my best friend who has 5 children and my aunt who is coming from Texas to Mi for the baby's birth and will be with my mom. I know everybody wants to help and I don't mind them being around while we're in the hospital and for a few hours after we come home but I'm seriously worried that I will be overwhelmed and just want everybody to go home and leave dh and I with our new bundle. I'm also worried that I'll find the (ahem) balls to ask them to leave and then I'll realize I need at least one of them there to help. I know dh will be no help with this but he'll get irritated if my mom is over for too long. I have expressed my worries to my mom and she's assured me that she won't overstay but I fear that when it comes down to it, she'll have a harder time leaving than she thinks and it won't be as financially feasible for her to drive for the day to help out.
Sorry op, I don't have any solid advice for you. But know you aren't alone.
DH & I have talked about really limiting visitors, especially in the first week. We need to try to figure out life as a family of 3, & as parents. It's going to be such an adjustment, & I don't want people around constantly as I try to navigate through this new role as "mommy."
Obviously, I think it's going to be tough to limit our parents...but they're going to be required to call first, & not stay long (unless they're coming with the intent to help us, not just to visit...I hope that doesn't sound terrible).
You're most definitely not alone, OP.
SaveSave
Just no way
Don't do this to yourself
DH will be off with me at least two weeks, so after that I logically know I'll probably need a little bit of help in adjusting to the caring for another human 24/7 and I'm sure my mom will be over often but I do think some adjustment time with you, your husband and baby are important. So maybe ask your sister to come for a few days on her own and then she can bring the whole family to visit later after you've had some time to REST and adjust. I hope it all works out! There's so much pressure put on women when they have new babies, it's insane. I know everyone wants to help, but it's insane that it can be seen as selfish and rude to turn them a way for a bit. Good luck!
I'm a FTM so I may put my foot in my mouth later on, but no way do I want anyone staying with me for 2-3 weeks.
I would recommend her come to help after you've had a week or two to adjust as a family of 3, her family can join later. It's not really your fault that her husband can't handle his kids.
Sorry I sound like a bitch- just how I would feel if this was my sister.
Baby #2 Due 3/7/20
It literally sounds like my worst pregnancy nightmare to have someone, anyone, live with me for 2-3 weeks while id be establishing breast feeding and bonding with my new baby.
Hmmm, while I think that kind of stay is a bit excessive---especially with the kids in tow---I am all for additional help around the house those first few weeks. My mom and I are NOT close and we can rarely tolerate one another for more than two days straight, but when I was a FTM she saved my sanity those first few weeks. I was SO HAPPY to have her there. She took care of all my housework, all the meals and was so, so, so helpful. I cried my face off when she left after a week and I made her come back as soon as she could (she lives 6 hours away).
As a STM I wasn't as dependent on her but her help was still invaluable and she helped take care of my older DS, kept my house tidy and made all our meals.
So, all that being said, I guess I'm in the minority here as I love having visitors and family over to help out. I didn't feel H and I were negatively impacted with regards to bonding or figuring stuff out. But, everyone is different.
But what you're talking about is another story.
Triplets due 6/29/16 also from an IUI!
My first rule is: no overnight visitors who aren't immediate family (our moms and siblings, his adult nieces) for 3 months. Reasonable?
We got into a little tiff over the moms already too. His mom was insisting she will come in early July (I'm due June 14). Now to begin with, our moms are quite diifferent (both live across the country). His mom is sweet but anxious and frantic and sort of helpless. Mine is calm and confident and helpful. On top of that, his mom is about to have foot surgery and may still have trouble walking by then. I'll be damned if my helpless, limping mother in law is going to stay with us while I have a newborn!
When I suggested she push her visit to August, he got mad and said why does my mom get to come visit first? When he's being reasonable, he knows damn well why (he is well aware of their differences) but he's afraid of hurting her feelings. Plus she's retired and lonely. So I told him it was "traditional" for the mom's mom to come first and he backed down
Now I have to figure out what to say about his east coast friends who all want to come visit in August. They would stay in hotels, but I know the minute he had friends here he's going to want to go out to dinner with them every night (or worse, host them here!) and I'm not cool with that either!
My in laws are coming out around my due date, but they're staying at MY parents house because our house is kind of small and they understand the importance of getting situated those first weeks. However, my FIL will only be here for maybe a week before going back home to Texas, and MIL will be staying for another week or two. We have told her that she is more than welcome to stay with us towards the end of her stay here, and we will see them pretty much daily. I got really lucky that my in laws and my parents really do get along really well.
The August friend visits don't sound too bad. By that time, I was ready to get out of the house for some dinners. That age is nice as they'll have their 2 month shots and still sleep a lot so the baby will probably sleep through dinner. If not, just nurse or give them a bottle. Again, it depends on how many friends and how long, etc.
Triplets due 6/29/16 also from an IUI!
https://www.momtastic.com/parenting/488129-9-reasons-never-house-guests-right-baby/
I'd say maybe come for a long weekend a few weeks after the baby is born and you get more into a routine. It would be nice to have an extra hand for a few weeks, but the whole family just seems a little overwhelming.
The idea of a 4 and 9 yo running around while I try to tend to a new baby makes me shudder. Family came over one or two at a time, we're quiet, and kept their children away until I okayed it because I let them know beforehand that was my wish. DS was born in the Winter so I had no choice but to limit visitation until he was old enough to handle his vaccinations and germs.
Bottom line, your house, your baby, your rules. Do what YOU feel is best, don't let your sister make the choices.
But in your situation, I would definitely tell her that you appreciate the thought but having that many people would be just too much for you that soon after the baby is born. Be thankful and gracious but firm.