Sharing the load and the monotony

lalg28 · January 2016

How do you and your SOs share the load? Since DH went back to work and as I'm an SAHM I take weekday night shifts and on weekends he'll get up a little early so I can get an extra nap or two. He also shares in diaper changes on weekends and weekday evenings. I'm very grateful for him but I'm still feeling kind of tired of it, the monotony and never leaving the house much. We live 1.5 hours out of the city so the most fun I can have is taking DS with us on Kroger trips. Anyone else feeling ready for a break? Since we're EBF I can't leave him too long right, due to milk supply?

Fdpolla92 · January 2016

I am EBF. I go back to work in one week. My husband works graveyard shift so he usually changes her diaper when he gets home and I feed her then he goes to bed. Once he wakes up he helps with diaper changes and gets her ready for bed before going to work. On his days off he will usually get up with her during the night and change her, get me up to feed her, and get her back to sleep so I don't have to be long. That will all Change once I go back to work. He will have to just nap when she naps during the day since I will be gone. As far as leaving I really haven't but I don't think that if you skip a feeding as long as it isn't regular, that it would be a huge issue.

LaceyH13 · January 2016

It's 50/50 when my husband is home. Except week nights when I take most all shifts, but that is mostly because I breastfeed. He tells me regularly to just nudge him at any of those feedings and he can give a bottle.

As far as monotony goes, I understand. However, I am going back to work on Feb. 1 so right now I just choose to look at it as a temporary time in life that I will never get back, which helps perspective.

As far as supply issues - I may be in the minority, but I have gone 5.5 - 6 hours without feeding or pumping without any issues. I wouldn't do it regularly, but for me that time frame hasn't been a big deal. From the research I have done, it depends somewhat on your body's ability to store milk. I apparently have a large storage capacity. If you want a few hours away and you can't manage to go without feeding or pumping, you can always hand express or get a smallish manual pump that is easier to stick in a bag and use on the go.

Mizuiro007 · January 2016

Hubby works third shift and gets home around one. Mostly I'd been pumping and he said he'd take her since he can't go to sleep right away after getting home. We're going to try switching things now though so I don't have to pump everyday. I'll have DD overnight so I can bf and hubby can sleep and get DS up in the morning so we can keep his routine up. Once I get up with DD we just help each other until naptime and hubby leaves for work.

There are some things like he does dishes and I do laundry kind of stuff that we've figured out over time by what each of us does better with.

As far as going out, I bf while we're out and it really hasn't been an issue. Going that far you just have to plan a little more, know places you can stop in between and bf and change diapers although I find 1-2 hrs is about perfect for a car ride. Bf before you leave and baby will usually sleep. Then change diaper and bf again and do your shopping or whatever.

I've been honest with hubby about needing to get out and he's been pretty good about trying to arrange little breaks for me or outings. He's also honest with me if he isn't up for it and that's fine. Mostly I appreciate that he understands and tries. I'll also take trips out with my mom and the kids, a couple times my dad has watched one kiddo or the other so we just have one to take. Experiment and see what works for you. Maybe you can find a local parent group you can join on outings.

ammnam14 · January 2016

During the week it's just me taking care of her. DH works and I'm a SAHM. His schedule is also a bit ridiculous. I'd love for him to help but I mean I get his side too. We are getting better though.

As far as breaks go..my parents will come up every so often and watch DD during the night so we can get a good nights rest. This weekend they watched her Friday and Saturday night, so heavenly!! We also went to a Bronco game tonight while they babysat. It was much needed alone time for DH and I.

jkloeppel · January 2016

It's pretty 50/50 here. He does more diaper changes and such on weekends, I do more on weekdays when he works. At night, he takes 8pm-12am, I have the option of waking him up for help if she is fussy from 12-4am, then it's just me 4-8am. We EBF, so even during his "shift" I still need to be woken up for feedings. It works well for us.

Court11152325 · January 2016

DH has ADHD and really needs routine. Right now our "routine" is nurse baby whenever she needs and change diapers. He's having a hard time with this because it's basically me telling him what I need or what needs to be done. It's also exacerbated by the fact that my parents and their 2 yappy dogs moved in with us yesterday. They don't work, so he thinks they should basically be doing everything for us. My mom is here to help with baby, but it's not like she should change every diaper.

Anyway, this is my way of saying we're still trying to figure out our equilibrium. During the week, though, it's just me at night because he's back at work and my teaching responsibility is all online for the next 4 weeks.

groovylocks · January 2016

Honestly, we don't really. My husband is very anal about his surroundings and tries to enforce that by telling everybody around him how they've failed at keeping things that way and to fix them. So he'll nag. And nag and nag and nag. This is his contribution. Being bossy and annoying. He's always been like this but now that the baby is here, I don't have any time for it. I'll be feeding olive after a spell of screaming, no food in my stomach, still trying to find a second to pee and he'll be sitting at his computer and will say "Why isn't the laundry done yet? I need the machine." And you can't say anything because saying anything results in a series of browbeating essay questions and convoluted reasons why his laziness is totally justified. Which is even more annoying and nagging. Dipshit..

He takes care of the calendar. So if there are appointments for anything, he makes sure we keep those. I appreciate that because i'm not in a place where i can handle that.

He typically doesn't get up in the night but that's ok because Olive is EBF so it doesn't make sense. If i wake him, he'll get up though. No questions asked. So that's good. But he'll waste time and break routine. One night he spent two hours trying tricks to get her to sleep - so he could avoid the inevitable 10 minute task that works. I woke up and found her in another room in her swing and i was furious. This was his solution after spending two hours trying to avoid simply holding her and rubbing her back for 10 minutes. Again. Dipshit.

I've seen him cut a lot of corners. I found her snoozing in a basket of clean laundry yesterday and I'm like "What is this, Dickensian England??" - only to discover he had left her there to "cry it out" for about five minutes. He told me, smugly, that sometimes babies just get frustrated and you should leave them to just work it out. Turns out her frustration was due to a very soiled diaper that he had neglected to check.

But he calls other people lazy.

So yeah. We're having some issues. And the worst part is that i have to leave this phenomenal moron alone with her after i go back to work because, oh yeah, i'm the primary breadwinner and he only works 8 days a month - so he's essentially a SAHD. March is coming up fast and suggestions for daycare cause a complete tantrum (in husband, not child..) So.. i don't know. I'm trying to get HR at work to spring for a daycare so I can continue to BF while working.

Basically i never realized how lazy, stupid and useless my husband could be until I had a reason to pay attention. I'm tired, angry and annoyed and pretty resentful of him most of the time. Adding to this that i have total helicopter inlaws who cater to this foolishness. So they're always overdoing for us and basically treating us like children - They have keys and come in without asking, do everything without asking, are too helpful and are bossy too. So the entire thing is totally dysfunctional.

There. That's how it's going.

pupsicle23 · January 2016

During the week, I take nights. She's usually only up twice, and I've adjusted and actually enjoy being up with her once I'm out of bed. When he's home from work, DH either does things around the house or takes the baby. He will do night bottles on the weekend, but I don't really wake him up for it anymore. It's easier for me to just go. But he steps up during the day on weekends and does diaper changes, etc.

We are lucky; DH gets another four weeks of paternity leave when I return to work. So, in addition to daytime, he will take nights. Honestly, though, I can see myself still getting up because I will miss my daugher and am a bit of a control freak about her.

Once we're both working, we'll work out a 50/50 system.

I go stir crazy, so I take DD on a lot of walks. I agree that finding other moms is a game changer. One friend I have used an app -- I think called Meet up? -- to find mommy outings. Obviously go somewhere public and safe, etc, but she met some mom friends that way. I plan to do story time at the library and some mommy and me classes once she gets her shots. On weekends, I run all possible errands while DH watches DD. I also agree that this is temporary and I know I'll miss this time when I'm back at work.

jenEP · January 2016

My DH has been amazing. We don't have a clear division, but if he's not at work, he's helping us in some way. He does a majority of the diaper changes when we are both at home. He's also done most of the laundry and cleaning the last month. I EBF and am better at getting LO calm when she's fussy (every night for 3 hours) so I do most of that. i know I can wake DH at any time in the night to help, but I try really hard not to do this during the week days so he can rest. Frankly, he's a much bigger help in the evenings when DD is crazy fussy if he's gotten good sleep the night before, so I don't mind doing the night feedings/changing by myself to allow him to sleep uninterrupted. I go back to work part time in 2 weeks so we might have to change things up a bit.

blended10 · January 2016

@groovylocks - I hear you! I know I've said it before but my husband is never as useless as when we have a newborn. He's pretty awesome with ds but it took like 3 years.
Anyway- I've been a sahm for 5+ years now so I do all the household stuff. While I was/am recovering from my c-section he's taking laundry down to the laundry room for me. We both deep clean when needed but really I'm in charge of all things house related (bills, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc). He gives ds his baths & has completely taken over ds' bedtime routine (banana, floss, brush, pj's, story, cuddles, bed) while I deal with dd's nightly meltdown before her bed time.
As for being bored- I agree with pp - try to find some local groups to join. Go to story time at the library. Create your village if you haven't already. You are going to need it!!

Taylovesbrad · January 2016

I am so grateful for my husband. He basically helps me whenever n I need it. He watches miles while I take a nap almost every night for 30 minutes. On the weekend he will do a later shift or early morning. Basically whatever I need. I try to take care of him mostly.. new sahm and hubby works hard.

ColoradoHiker · January 2016

DH and I split it all pretty much down the middle. I decided to EP specifically bc I am a horrible human being when running on little sleep, and I knew ahead of time I would need DH's support. I'm also not SAHM material. I love DS, but staying at home with him has left me bored and missing adult company. DH usually takes over his care in the evenings, although it's obviously not set in stone. I let him know if I've reached my tipping point and he'll help as much as possible.

maiatene · January 2016

I guess you can say we split but nothing is set in stone...

I am the kids primary caregiver but he steps in and feeds/cuddles/plays when I need a moment. Regarding chores I buy the groceries and cook 60% of the time (the remaining 40% is split between him and take-out), we both clean the house and he does the laundry.

If I wanted to go out by myself he stays with them without debate or issue. I ebf also so I'll nurse before I leave and if the baby wants to eat again I leave an 8oz bottle of pumped milk. I also always bring a treat back which I'm sure helps lol

groovylocks · January 2016

I'll say this.. My husband has no problems watching the baby if i want to get out of the house. He does a bit of a slackass job but he does the job. It's not that he's not making an effort. It's almost like he's just really, really bad at this. What he's good at is bossing people around. So that combines to make a very annoying situation

andreaAL11 · January 2016

@groovylocks I'm sorry you have to go through this, I kind of felt your pain about the nagging part...a lot of issues! I hope things pan out for you though

groovylocks · January 2016

andreaAL11 said:

@groovylocks I'm sorry you have to go through this, I kind of felt your pain about the nagging part...a lot of issues! I hope things pan out for you though

I am lucky in that I have inlaws who are AMAZING and totally overcompensate. They're invasive and don't give us much space but they DO help out a huge amount. My husband is a good dad and he's interested in doing things.. He just was spoiled a bit growing up and never had to think about anybody else. So for him there is double the learning curve. He wants to do everything the right way but he does have lazy tendencies - and because he was raised to make demands on his mom, it's like he doesn't see it when people around him are working too hard and he could help. He just cant identify that.

celainev · January 2016

I EBF except for about 3 times a week I give a bottle of pumped milk. So DH has only helped with feeding once. He does all diaper changes when he is home, unless he works early in the morning or really late at night, he'll do night changes as well. He loves diaper changes, as he takes it as his main bonding time with Carlos. He speaks Spanish and French to him during this time. (I don't speak much Spanish.)

DH does a lot of the work around the house (laundry, taking care of pets, etc.) I cook, usually do the vacuuming, and clean bathrooms. I look forward to when DH is home so I can pass off my little baby and do some hard cleaning!

I love my little one to death, but I agree sometimes it does get boring. So I go out often. We sometimes just go for a 2 hour drive just for the sake of it (DH comes along.) I live an hour outside of Vancouver so we just drive to a mall, walk around a bit, nurse there (some malls have amazing family rooms) and then drive home. It's nice to get out of the house.

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