Really feeling divided with family issues :/

deedeecmc79 · January 2016

Sorry in advance for a long rant. It all starts with the fact that I have made plans for my parents to come over and stay with us after the baby is born since they live in Pennsylvania and we live in New Jersey as well as the fact that my mother can no longer drive and my dad still works late nights. So seeing them is harder to do.
My problem is with what do I do with the in laws who live around the corner? They are mostly nice but they have made life a little difficult this time around as well as they have an annoying habit of monopolizing time and attention from my 2 yr old whom my father hardly gets to see . The next part that has me torn is I may or may not need another c section and will feel like a physical wreck either way and would require rest. And yes, I would feel comfortable with my parents and especially my mother around. Not so much the in laws. I am really not sure how having a house with 2 big dogs my parents, his parents and a 2yr old is going to be good for my postpartum recovery?
I love my husband and know he loves his parents but the fact is I was the one that just popped out a kid after 9 months of a very difficult pregnancy.
Any suggestions out there?

Mamabeagle · January 2016

Just set clear expectations and have your husband and mom be gatekeepers. Be reasonable about the ILs getting to see their grandchildren as well-- they shouldn't automatically be shut out just because your parents are around.

Maybe let them visit at the hospital, and let them watch your other child for an afternoon if they want to. Invite them for a pizza dinner at 6 and say bedtime is 8. Basically be a grown up and set your own rules but do so in a reasonable manner.

mrscammack · January 2016

Talk to your husband about boundaries you'd like to set in order to help make your recovery as easy as possible. Ultimately it's okay to be selfish during this time as your body is recovering from major trauma and you're focusing on bonding with baby. Maybe have a system in place for when you get too overwhelmed, like if you are feeling like it's too much tell DH that you'll go upstairs to rest with baby and that's his cue to politely let his parents know you need your rest and they should head home. You need to do what's best for your recovery and I think most reasonable people will understand that without getting offended.

mrsgetz4000 · January 2016

Be honest. Tell your in laws, politely and respectfully your parents will be in town and you would like some alone time with them. And if they get angry that's on them. Providing you manage to stay polite and respectful

Emott13 · January 2016

I'm with @mrsgetz4000. I'm in almost the exact same situation- parents states away, two dogs, a two-year old, and boundary-crossing in-laws around the corner. My mother is coming to stay and help me with the toddler while DH goes back to work for a few weeks. I do plan to let the in-laws visit while I'm in the hospital so that they don't feel like I'm keeping them away from the baby, but I do want a few weeks postpartum to recover before I have visitors at home. I won't feel up to having them at the house. They see us every Wednesday night for "family dinner" at their place so it's not like they never see us and should have a right to feel neglected if we have to cancel for a couple of weeks while I'm recovering.

I think the bottom line is it's your kid, your body, and your house. As harsh as it sounds, I don't feel grandparents have a "right" to their grandkids. You are the one who will know the limits of your body (both mentally and physically) during recovery, and you are allowed to control visitors in and out of your own home. If they live right around the corner, your ILs will get to see baby all the time. Your parents will see them a few times a year, and besides, you want that time to visit with your mom and dad uninterrupted. Your ILs may b***h and moan (I know mine are going to throw a FIT) but in the end you just have to remind yourself that you are not being unreasonable. As PP said, as long as you approach it all in a polite manner their anger/disappointment/resentment is completely on them and not your fault. Just make sure SO is backing your play.

mrsgetz4000 · January 2016

Exactly! I'm actually feeling apprehensive of my own parents arriving next week. My mother overwhelms me. She's emotional and mean to my step dad, who is the sweetest man you'll ever meet. If she throws her attitude around while she is here i won't hold back. And now she wants to move here. Florida to Pennsylvania. I moved all those miles away to get away from her. My mother in law lives 2 blocks away. But she's great and respects our privacy. I also have 3 dogs. People are pretty respectful of my wishes. Because i don't take anyones crap. I think yjr answer to most things is to be honest. Choose your words carefully!

SummerOH · January 2016

I'll be the dissenting opinion and say that I don't agree with shutting the in-laws out. That's not fair to them, especially if your parents are there, too. I always think of how I would feel if my two sons marry someone who doesn't want us around and defers to her parents, I guess. It would crush us. Those views have definitely made me a more considerate DIL.

That said, they ARE just around the corner, so there's no reason to hang out at your house. I would set up specific times like @Mamabeagle said. That way they get to see the kids but there are clear boundaries and a set end time. Really, it could work out to your advantage. You could retreat to your room and rest while they entertain your toddler and hold your newborn. Your parents could also rest, eat, whatever, so they're refreshed to help through the day and night. The key is set times!

Emott13 · January 2016

I certainly don't agree with completely shutting the in-laws out. However, it's really a luxury to live so close to grandkids, and just because you live nearby doesn't mean you automatically get to see your grandkids all the time. They should be ok to go without visiting for a week or two while momma recovers, especially while mom's parents are in town from out-of-state. I definitely would schedule some visits and play dates for once her parents leave so that the ILs have something to look forward to, but there is no reason to feel obligated to schedule visits with them for the two weeks post-partum.

mrsgetz4000 · January 2016

Yeah don't make them feel shut out! Just set boundaries. Good luck!

Karenin · January 2016

Until recently, we lived far away from both my parents and in laws and so when I had my first two LOs I was a wreck because everyone came to visit (no one stayed with us but they were all around all the time both at the hospital and then our home) and I was trying very hard to make them all feel included and happy. So I get the feelings you are having. I suggest talking to your husband first to explain how you feel so he can gently guide his parents. The fact that your parents are there much less means that you in laws need to be a bit gracious about letting them enjoy time with the baby, but you don't want them feeling shut out. I agree about things like inviting them over for dinner and some time with the baby several times (even better ask them to make or bring dinner). Also, maybe invite them to take your 2 year old on some special outings so he/she feels like he/she is getting attention during this big change, and the in laws get time with him/her. The biggest thing is to get over the usual feeling that if they are there you need to be hosting- you just had a baby so go to your room to rest, be alone or with baby whenever you need to. Let your husband play host, not you.

Mommyduclos · January 2016

I think this really depends on how soon your parents are coming and how long they are staying. We have one set of out of town grandparents and they are coming about 2 weeks after baby and only for a weekend so I have zero problems telling the in town grandparents to stay home during that time. But if they are coming right away and/ or staying a long time I think you need to allow some visits. Figure out what will work best for you, set some boundaries, and give them some reasonable visiting time. As much as they are overwhelming keep in mind that it really is a wonderful thing that they love you and your kids you just need some boundaries especially during the transition.

deedeecmc79 · January 2016

These are my feelings exactly. It's the DH that will also be upset

deedeecmc79 · January 2016

I will definitely not shut them out and at times they have even had more consideration then my parents because I would try to go out of my way to include them. My parents can only stay 5 days and my dad must return to work and I definitely plan on having one day to get together but most likely not the first day or two when I return home from the hospital. I figured I would have them visit at the hospital. I definitely agree to let them know nicely that I would like time to recover at home and having 6 adults 2 dogs an infant and a toddler around all day is just not what I will need the 1st few days at home.

l4rk · January 2016

Give everyone jobs! Your mom can look after you, your dad can watch your 2 year old. Find something special your in-laws can do too, and also set aside time for everyone to see you and the baby. That way, everyone gets to feel special and included in their own way.

I've been lucky because my in-laws have had 4 grandkids already, whereas this is my parents' first. But even still, they want to know how they can help and be involved. Make space for that to happen and things will go a lot smoother for everyone...

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