Nickname for mothers (grandma)boyfriend

lct11590 · January 2016

So my mother and her boyfriend have been together almost 10 years. I have always called him by his name and never viewed him as a stepdad. Recently my dad asked.me.to not call the boyfriend any name that resembles grandpa, which I told him I was fine with and didn't plan on it. Well take a long story short I was at my mom's with the two of them and she reffrred.to him as papa Harry and now I'm stuck. I honestly didn't thunk it was going to be an issue and I am having trouble coming up with other nicknames to throw out there for him and a way to not hurt my mom feelinhs. Thanks for any advice!!

carlyhammond · January 2016

Well, they aren't married so technically he has no family ties to you. Yeah he's been a part of your lives for 10years but, they aren't married and it sounds like you aren't a big fan of him anyway. (Got that from the "I didn't plan on calling him anything resembling grandpa" part)
I'd explain to your mom that you aren't comfortable with calling him grandpa related things- because well, he isn't to your child.
I don't see the problem with calling him "harry" ...
It may hurt some feelings but, it's your child. I kinda feel like she shouldn't have assumed that he would be called papa.

In my family, my mothers real father (Phil) was never apart of our lives growing up. My grandma and him got divorced when my mom was about 12 or so- my grandma got remarried years later.
My real grandfather (Phil) I do not refer to him as my grandpa or anything related to grandfather at all.. I call him simply Phil. I haven't seen him since I was little, and this may be childish but my mom recently started talking to him and my mom refers to him to me as my grandfather and I just roll my eyes.

The man I call my grandfather was my moms step-dad David. He was there for us growing up. He watched us grow and I loved that man. My papa dave was and still is a wonderful man.. Sadly, he passed away in 2006 so my son will never have a great-grandpa which I'm ok with.
If my mom wants to bring Phil around that's ok too, but my son will refer to him as Phil just like I do.

Ebiejay · January 2016

My Grandma remarried the same year my parents married. Although my Mum always called her Step-dad by his first name, we always called him Granddad. He was always in our life and acted like a Granddad and even though I knew he wasn't biologically our Granddad he was family.

But every family is different. I feel like if the boyfriend is going to be a permanent part of your LO's life (10 years seems pretty steady) then there's no reason not to call him a Grandpa related name, but if you and your Dad both feel uncomfortable with it then it makes it tricky. You'll probably find that as your LO grows up he/she will call the boyfriend whatever they want to, despite your best efforts. My Dad has ended up being "Doddar" to my nephew even though he didn't like it at first, and my Granddad Malcolm was called "Mungum" by my cousins. I'm trying to think of any 'cutesy' names you could go with for Harry but it's not an easy one!

Good luck, I know it's awkward with split families, I have to deal with my mum's jealousy over my step mum which sucks!

Emott13 · January 2016

I have no suggestions for how to fix it, all I'll say is out your foot down NOW. MIL and her husband started referring to themselves as "grandma" (find with me cuz she's actually DH's mom) and "grandpa"- I hate that. They've been together less time than DH and I, which may seem petty but DH and I have both agreed that we feel no familial connection to this man (probably because he came into the story so late, and is her third husband). I don't like that they call him "grandpa"; to me that's a very special name referring to DH's father.

Probably doesn't help that I don't like MIL's husband to begin with, but the point remains. Unless you do something about it soon, it's going to stick. I waited too long and now DD knows him as "grandpa". Two years later and I still cringe when I hear them call him that.

SummerOH · January 2016

it's YOUR decision, not your dad's. If you don't care for him that's one thing, but it's not up to your dad to dictate what your child does.

I don't see the big deal with Papa Harry. My son calls his caregiver Nana and her husband Pappaw. He knows they aren't his grandparents, it's just a term of endearment. Similarly, many of our close friends are "aunt" and "uncle" so and so. No biggie.

If it really bugs you, have a private conversation with your mom about it. Often kids will come up with their own names for family (and even though it's not legal, after 10 years he IS part of your family), so it may end up being no issue at all.

Leah6120 · January 2016

I think it would be kindof odd for you to call him by his first name and your child call him some sort of grandpa name.. I would just call him what he's always been called for now and reevaluate as time goes on.

cali1710 · January 2016

I never thought of this. My FIL has had a gf for like 7 years and I never even considered calling her anything but her name. No one has mentioned it so hopefully I can just saying "grandpa and Ann" and no one will say anything. But I agreee they arent really family and I don't think they need the grandparents name. If they were married that may be a different story but as bf/gf goes I don't think it's necessary. But again every family is different.

OrangeFox · January 2016

I've got the situation with both sets of my parents. At first I really didn't want to use any terms of endearment for the step parents... But the truth is DS sees them like grandparents. And they treat him as such. So now he's got a million grandmas and grandpas. They all love him dearly and it works fine. Family is super important to me and I'm glad that none of my family is offended by the names my son chooses to call other people. It doesn't make his relationship with his biological grandparents any less special. Some day he will understand the relationships and how they work, in the mean he just needs to know that he's loved by many, many people.

But do what feels right for you.

hannahduff3 · January 2016

Is he going to be treating your child as a grandchild? I have step grandparents and they were never treated as such. They were always a part of my life and I never saw them any different. It's not like they've been together for 6 months. They seem to be in it for the long haul.

maddisonwallace · January 2016

^ agree with some PP's. It's not your dad's call and if the boyfriend is in it for the long haul and will be treating your child has his grandchild, there's no harm in calling him Papa Harry. I have two sets of step grandparents that I never see and truly don't have a relationship with. I call them by their names. But my son will call my step dad by a grandpa name (he hasn't picked one yet lol) even though I call him by his first name. And my step dad has been in my life for a shorter amount of time than your grandmas boyfriend.

StephEppie · January 2016

Long story short my grandmother remarried when my dad and aunt were kids, my grandfather remarried later on too. So growing up I had 2 sets of grandparents on my dads side. My grandmas husband was always simple Pop. Always has been and to this day even with them separated and my grandmother passed away he's still Pop. My grandfather and his wife were always referred to as grandma and grandpa Epp.
But I have no idea moving forward how to call my dads new wife, just realized that....guess I'll take a note from what my brothers kids refer to her as and go from there to keep it the same.

kqualls5 · January 2016

Thing is, 10 years is a long time. And although he hasn't been a part of your whole life, he'll more than likely be a part of your child's whole life. So I guess I just don't see the harm in papa Harry. I mean if you hate the guy then I guess it's different. But if he plays a "papa" role in your kids life, what's the big deal in being called that, regardless of your feelings of him? I don't get along with my brothers fiancee but I'm not going to make my child call her Shyanne and not "aunt Shyanne" simply because she's only been in my life for a year. Mine & SO's close friends are "auntie ____" and "uncle ___" to our child, even though there's no relation. I guess I just personally don't see the big deal.

If it makes you that uncomfortable though, the sooner you talk to your mom about it the better.

mamabear89071516 · January 2016

I would have your LO call him what you call him. My grandma had a man who was really just her roommate but who she had been with my whole life, he came to all family get together a with her. I just called him what my parents called him "Bing" which was his nickname. I'm sure if you refer to him as "harry" to your LO and your mom they will get the hint.

l4rk · January 2016

10 years is family, whether they are married in or not. (In fact, where I live, they would have the same legal rights as a married couple in the event of a break up, etc.) I think your dad was out of line to ask and it's actually a huge insult to your mom's partner to ask your kid to call him by his name aftwr your mom essentially told you what they want him to be called. There's no "nice" way to do otherwise because excluding a step parent isn't nice. It's cruel.

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