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March 2016 Moms
CowflopBINGO
member
Uninvited Guests After Baby's Born
CowflopBINGO
member
Hey everyone. Not sure if I'm being too sensitive, but my fiancé told me recently that he had invited his mother to stay with us for a few days after our baby is born in March.
His mom isn't by any means an intrusive presence to me whatsoever, but we have a small house, and I already know that personal space is going to be a big necessity for me after I come home from the hospital and have to be dealing with bleeding, possibly healing from an episiotomy, breastfeeding issues, etc. Personal things that I'd rather she not be present for as I'm struggling to overcome them with the man whose child I just delivered.
And that's another thing. I feel like those first few days home are going to be very important for US to bond during. Just the two of us. In private. He's only taking two weeks off from work after I deliver, and I'd like that time to spent alone, with just me.
I'm not by any means opposed to having visitors that come, stay for a couple of hours, and then leave...but I don't want a third person crammed into what is going to be an even smaller living space once we bring this baby home.
I don't know. I'm really offended that he didn't discuss this with me before inviting her, I'm offended that she accepted his invitation without pushing him to talk to me first, and I'm just generally displeased with having someone in my personal living space at a time when I'm going to need it most. Important point: This is my second baby (my first is 7 now), and not to make it sound like I'm an expert when it comes to newborns, but I don't need that "supportive mother-in-law" presence the way I may have the first time around.
Thoughts?
His mom isn't by any means an intrusive presence to me whatsoever, but we have a small house, and I already know that personal space is going to be a big necessity for me after I come home from the hospital and have to be dealing with bleeding, possibly healing from an episiotomy, breastfeeding issues, etc. Personal things that I'd rather she not be present for as I'm struggling to overcome them with the man whose child I just delivered.
And that's another thing. I feel like those first few days home are going to be very important for US to bond during. Just the two of us. In private. He's only taking two weeks off from work after I deliver, and I'd like that time to spent alone, with just me.
I'm not by any means opposed to having visitors that come, stay for a couple of hours, and then leave...but I don't want a third person crammed into what is going to be an even smaller living space once we bring this baby home.
I don't know. I'm really offended that he didn't discuss this with me before inviting her, I'm offended that she accepted his invitation without pushing him to talk to me first, and I'm just generally displeased with having someone in my personal living space at a time when I'm going to need it most. Important point: This is my second baby (my first is 7 now), and not to make it sound like I'm an expert when it comes to newborns, but I don't need that "supportive mother-in-law" presence the way I may have the first time around.
Thoughts?
Re: Uninvited Guests After Baby's Born
People tend not to think about the mom needing recovery time and only think "omg new baby I have to go see/help with the baby" regardless if you actually need help.
Thankfully, this is the 5th go around for my MIL, I set limits right away and since this is our first baby I've been telling DH how much I don't want a circus, I want time between guests and the only guests are to be our parents initially. So MIL is coming end of April and I'll schedule his other set of parents between visits from my mom and his.
Maybe suggest she stay at a hotel close by?
That said, my sympathies. My mother also insists on coming for a month, last time was 6 weeks. I love my mum and she helped out a lot, but that was still rough for me.
Sorry, but I don't agree that you HAVE TO be grateful for the help. Don't be rude but you didn't ask for help your dh did. This is something that he needs to fix.
I get wanting/needing that special bonding time, but you'll also need some time for yourself to eat, rest, shower, breathe, etc., and maybe he'd like a comforting, supportive, loving, helping hand to help him out while you pull yourself together post-partum.
You're lucky to have this love and support. What I wouldn't give to still have my mom & my MIL around to be here for us, especially those first few days pp.
1. He's not the one giving birth and recovering from it (bleeding, hormones, soreness and so on)
2. He's not the one going to establish breast feeding with a new baby
3. He's not the one that will do the things said above being uncomfortable and stressed due to a third person being there
I don't think this is about being ungrateful and not appreciate the love people around you have for you, but rather what comfort level you have with other people being in your personal space at a time when you are going through something very personal. Everyone will be different and feel different about this and should be able to do what's best for them.
No offense to the PP, but I don't really think it matters if your fiancé wants his MIL there if you don't. That's not to say that his opinion doesn't matter or that yours matters more, but I feel like if both parties aren't on the same page then you have to compromise. And how can you be on the same page if you weren't even consulted? Perhaps she can come for a few days once your fiancé goes back to work? I, personally, do NOT think it is too late to talk to your fiancé to try and come with an alternative plan with which you can both agree.
Additionally, you also didn't mention that she is coming to help with laundry, dishes, late might feedings if you aren't EBF, etc. etc. The ONLY reason my mom is coming after is to help with those things so DH and I can focus on the new baby, figure out how to be a parent to a NB, etc. etc. This is one of the reasons my MIL is not invited to come and stay long term (we live about 4 hours from family), as she has no interest in helping out with that stuff (and she certainly doesn't need to, I am not complaining) but my very short time I will have away from work is for ME to fawn over baby, connect and get comfortable, not her. She can come and meet baby while staying for a day or two once we are settled, but then it's time for her to go. Even though I love her, she stresses me to the max and I don't need that when I am fumbling around with the whole new motherhood thing.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
Your husband was in the wrong and should have discussed this with you. Now he needs to put on his big boy pants and call his mom "Hey mom, I talked to DW and we've decided that we're going to hold off on overnight visitors for awhile after baby comes. We want to be able to bond and relax and focus on our little family. We would love to have daytime visitors so we'll let you know when we're available for that. Sorry for the confusion and if I hurt your feelings, I jumped the gun on this one."
I, too, was really surprised by a few of the responses. Just because someone is coming doesn't mean they intend to help. And everyone's version of "help" is different. I've read stories from women here that have had moms/MILs offer to "help" by watching the new LO while the new mom cooks dinner, goes to the store, does laundry, etc. That's not helping, that is getting time in with a new baby.
OP, the second bolded is spot on something your fiancé should tell his mom. It's him taking responsibility and respectfully rescinding the offer to stay with an open invitation to eventually visit during the day.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
I will say he should have talked to you beforehand. Hopefully he missed that step because he's so excited about his child coming into the world.
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Our family of 5 is complete!! Love our boys!
I can hear a couple of elements in your problem with the situation all leading down to the fact that YOU want alone time with YOUR family. Personally, I think that is totally reasonable and perhaps not even to hard to explain to your DH or MIL. If it where me, I'd briefly explain my discomfort with MIL staying a couple of days so soon atfer the birth without too much emotion to DH and ask him what his thoughts are on MIL staying with you guys after he goes back to work. I'd also ask him what he wants and why he has arranged this. Does he really wants his mother there so close after the birth or did he simply say "yeah sure!" To a suggestion she made? If he doesn't really mind when she comes over, I'd ask him if he would please call his mother and say that she's welcome after he goes back to work.
If she lives far away and is dead set on seeing the baby brand new, maybe she can visist you guys within those two weeks for a few hours and stay in a hotel.
I'm in the same boat because I don't live i the same country as my family and my MIL wants to come over and help with the baby as well, but I am going to tell her that she's more then welcome to stay a couple of days AFTER my partner goes back to work. I too would like this alone time with my partner without having someone in my small house, even if it's going to be the hardest two weeks of my life and I'll end up begging my MIL to come over and help by the end of it!
Let us know how it works out!
I'm not clear on whether she'd be coming from out of town or if she lives nearby. If she's coming from out of town and would have to stay with you, then I think your husband needs to call her and cancel or at least push her visit back a bit. I agree that this is your husband's responsibility and your MIL should hold no blame for accepting. He needs to take care of it diplomatically and let her know how much you appreciate her willingness to help but maybe it's not the best time.
If she lives nearby, could she visit for a few hours here and there to help? Totally agree with previous comments that "help" should mean dishes, laundry, cleaning, whatever you need...not holding the baby while you do all that crap (unless she's holding the baby while you have a nap).
Help would be appreciated by me, but I would NOT want a live-in guest. Even if said guest is there to help, it puts extra pressure and stress on you having to accommodate her and not have your alone time to adjust, particularly in a small space.
I agree that he should've discussed it with you prior, and yes, it is absolutely your time OP. I was simply trying to see his side of it (which you gave no info about), but it was also from an assumptive, btdt pov.
Definitely did not mean to offend anyone, just sharing my thoughts as OP requested them.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
If your MIL is the helpful type who lives close by maybe ask her to come for an afternoon once a week and then stay once your husband goes back to work. I don't agree with other PPs 3 is a bit of a crowd and its really hard to go to solo parenting two weeks after birth. You likely really could use her help then. I'm sure she'll understand. If she lives far away (ie plane ride) this could be a tough situation. She'll likely want to see her grand baby right away (can you blame her?) is it possible to arrange her to stay with other family and friends so she can be "pop by helpful" maybe run errands like groceries/laundry without being in your space 24/7.
Good luck and hopefully you can navigate without too many hurt feelings.
But if you really prefer to have her come a little later, then just tell your hubby. Make him call his mom and tell her nicely that it would be good if she can come a little later. My in laws drove 6 hours while I was in labor to make sure they can see the baby the day she was born. I know they meant well so I didn't say anything. Good luck to you!
I told DH he needed to clarify that with her, but when the perfect opportunity arose when we were visiting the in laws for Christmas, he didn't do it. Which i got in his case about afterwards. So I had to have the conversation with her and I told her I so appreciate her willingness to drop everything and come help us, but I would like a couple of weeks for us with baby and then she can come. I was worried she would be offended, but she seemed okay and told me to just let her know when we need her.