Sad :(

acastl24 · January 2016

My whole pregnancy, I worried about whether my SO would be helpful and if I would be left alone to take care of our daughter. He swore he would be helpful and come straight home from work and be up with me at night.
He took off a week when LO was born, and was GREAT until our second day home. He then hid out playing video games and ignoring me and LO. Since he's gone back to work, more times than not he ends up not coming home until 10 at night, even though he gets off at 5. On the few times he comes straight home, he walks right to the bedroom and hides away watching tv and playing on his xbox. He doesn't even say hello to me or hold the baby. I'm up by myself all night with the baby, have busted stitches, have had a staph infection and strep, am having horrible headaches, and have PPD that has nothing to do with my baby and everything to do with SO's refusal to care about or for us.
I absolutely adore my daughter and am drinking in every moment, and I feel like a single mother at this point. I know he will regret this when she's older but right now, he literally could not care less. I don't know what to do anymore.

kdoak2015 · January 2016

Step up and say something. You both brought her into this world you both need to care for her. You should also speak to someone re PPD so you can be at your A game with her.

czirbs · January 2016

Have you talked with your SO about this since your daughter was born? As the father, he should be taking some responsibility for her care.

ammnam14 · January 2016

I was just saying that to myself.. "I feel like a single mother and at this point I'd much rather be one." I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Yesterday my husband had the audacity to say I do nothing all day but lay around. Excuse me..you don't exactly lay around while watching a newborn all day. When he gets home from work he watches her for about an hour...I'm stuck with the other 23. More quality time with my daughter for me..but I'd much rather have some help.

Sorry for the rant.

acastl24 · January 2016

I've spoken to him more times than I can count. He just doesn't care. He has this childish way of just saying "Okay" over and over like a broken record. And when I try to tell him he's being unfair to me and our baby, he says, "Well it's not fair that you see your family all the time and I don't." That's his new favorite excuse for why he can't come home. But the difference is, his family is 30 minutes away, mine is two. His family never bothered to even speak to us until I got pregnant, and even now only calls when they want something. And, the biggest one, HE FLAT OUT IGNORES THEM unless it's convenient for him. He will go months without talking to any of them, by his own choice, until one day, he needs an excuse to not come home. I mean, really?! And the time you choose to do this is when you have a newborn with colic, who has been sick for a week, and a girlfriend with stitches, strep, and a migraine at home that need you?
He says he has depression because he doesn't get paid enough (he's a commercial sales manager for a nationwide company at 23 years old....cry me a river...) And somehow this warrants him treating us like crap, instead of dealing with the problem. I've even tried making him doctors appointments, at his request, and they need to talk to him but he refuses to call. Basically, if I can't handle it for him, it's not going to happen.

I'm just so fed up. I'd rather be single. I don't even want child support, I just want him to go away, because this is not fair and I'm seriously resenting him.

@ammnam14 He had the nerve to say that to me too, but it was more of a "I have to go to work and you don't. You don't get to complain about needing help when you sit around all day and do nothing." He just doesn't get it and he doesn't care to try!

groovylocks · January 2016

"I'd rather be single" - see this is a powerful statement because most parents with a new child will do anything to avoid a split - because then they'd be single parents which is hard as hell. And the fact that you're already feeling this way, that life is actually EASIER when he's just not there, means that you know.. you're there.

I'm not recommending you leave him. But I'm recommending you consider it as a possible option. I realize a lot of people may disagree with me on this. But you've basically told us that not only are you doing all the work of an entire household, you're doing it with what could potentially be a life-threatening condition. And he's sitting around douching. That's not only a show of disrespect, it's SUCH a show of disrespect that I think the resentment this is building in you is a pretty hard bell to unring and the damage his BS is doing is lasting and potentially permanent.

My husband has been slacking to far less of a degree than this. And being less of a victim than this and spending less time on the cross than this. And even the selfishness i've seen from him has left me feeling a permanent scar on my faith in my spouse. If he were behaving like yours, I'd be telling him that I'm considering leaving him and taking steps to prepare for that possibility.

groovylocks · January 2016

^^ btw.. If this is brand new behaviour and he was a model spouse before, ignore a lot of what I just said. He may be completely disillusioned and overwhelmed or be suffering from post partum depression (which i believe men are also at risk for - less than we are but it's still a real possibility)

But if this is "just how he is" but the baby has just made it worse or made the severeity of it look much more clear, then hell, the guy's a dud.

acastl24 · January 2016

We've been together for eight years. He wasn't like this for the first five. But it's gotten steadily worse, to the point that he acts like a helpless 4 year old. Like, at 9 months pregnant and supposed to be on bedrest, he would start huge fights over why I didn't pick up the mess that he left in the house every night, after I had already cleaned for the day. He doesn't think he has to do anything except go to work-doesn't even clean his own plate after dinner.

I'm so fed up. And he keeps saying that he should be able to do what he wants (with no consideration to me) and I have to be fine with that, but I also have to be available to do whatever he wants me to do. And it's just complete BS. Part of me wants to leave. Part of me wants to stay because I love him (even though he's shit) and part of me is only still here because I can't stand the thought of having to send my daughter to him for even a weekend if we aren't together (he wouldn't take care of her anyway).

groovylocks · January 2016

I got a good piece of advice at the end of my last relationship. Somebody told me that I didn't miss my ex. I missed the expectations I'd had of my life with him. That the breakup was actually me accepting that it wouldn't work out. And she was right. Once i moved my stuff out, I had the best year of my life. He was a nice guy. We just weren't going to work.

I think you probably do love him - at least you love who he was. But how he's acting is absolutely unacceptable and love or not, if you stay, it's going to continue because if somebody moves me into their house and gives me carte blache to be a lazy, entitled ass, I'm probably going to take it. Why should he have to make an effort if nobody makes him?

I'll tell you right now, I am the breadwinner in our house. My husband will be a SAHD for all but a week out of the month. And if i were to compare my job to my life on maternity leave? Work is a fantasy camp compared to this crazy shit. I love my daughter and i love being with her but it's the hardest time i've ever had in my entire life. I can't wait to get back to work.

ammnam14 · January 2016

^ That's it. I'm home alone all day with a dog and a newborn. I'm still relatively new to this city so I don't have any friends here, especially any friends with kids. I'll be a SAHM until September and then I'll be going back to school. I need adult interaction, I'm going crazy! My husband just doesn't understand. We've spoken two words to each other today. So much for adult interaction.

acastl24 · January 2016

Part of me knows that it will get better if he gets back in therapy and on meds for his bi-polar and depression. When he's down, he doesn't give a shit about anything but himself. But he can't do that unless he makes the appointment (his therapist says he has to demonstrate his willingness to get help) and he isn't allowed to make personal phone calls while at work, which exceeds their hours of operation. So they're making it just as hard for him to get help as the depression/bi-polar are themselves. I just don't feel comfortable walking away without seeing if those things help. I feel like I'd be giving up on him for the wrong reason. But if he does get help and nothing changes, I have to be done.

groovylocks · January 2016

aulrey92 said:

Part of me knows that it will get better if he gets back in therapy and on meds for his bi-polar and depression. When he's down, he doesn't give a shit about anything but himself. But he can't do that unless he makes the appointment (his therapist says he has to demonstrate his willingness to get help) and he isn't allowed to make personal phone calls while at work, which exceeds their hours of operation. So they're making it just as hard for him to get help as the depression/bi-polar are themselves. I just don't feel comfortable walking away without seeing if those things help. I feel like I'd be giving up on him for the wrong reason. But if he does get help and nothing changes, I have to be done.

Don't mistake "in sickness and in health" with "in complacency and in empowerment" - i would never abandon my sick husband. However, if my sick husband decided to dig a hole in his sickness and live there and do nothing to help himself, expecting the rest of us to pick up his slack and manage his well being, that would be a different story.

I'm sorry - because I keep giving you reasons not to work on your marriage. And I think you should work on it. But right now the situation is critical in that you're dealing with everything on your own, PLUS taking care of him and I'm just worried you're going to burn out. And then what happens?

pupsicle23 · January 2016

aulrey92 said:

Part of me knows that it will get better if he gets back in therapy and on meds for his bi-polar and depression. When he's down, he doesn't give a shit about anything but himself. But he can't do that unless he makes the appointment (his therapist says he has to demonstrate his willingness to get help) and he isn't allowed to make personal phone calls while at work, which exceeds their hours of operation. So they're making it just as hard for him to get help as the depression/bi-polar are themselves. I just don't feel comfortable walking away without seeing if those things help. I feel like I'd be giving up on him for the wrong reason. But if he does get help and nothing changes, I have to be done.

I grew up with a bipolar parent who was, for a time unmedicated. I feel for him; it can make you feel just awful, from what I've seen.

But. If he is bipolar and not getting help, it WILL have lasting effects on his child. Children don't understand a parent's mental illness and may think they're doing something wrong to upset the adult. I recognize that he might just feel too overwhelmed to get the help he needs, but he needs to figure out a way to call.

sarahjulypsu · January 2016

I grew up in a family with mental health problems. My dad is a recovering alcoholic. He never got help or quit until we all walked away. My mom kicked him out. I told him our relationship and his with my children was over until he tried. It took a while he almost drank himself to death, got a dui and lost his job but he did eventually get help and has not drank in years. I know we did the right thing. We were enabling him by putting up with his crap. He was emotionly abusive when he drank. I finally drew my line when I decided I didn't my kids to see there grandfather like that. Sometimes staying is enabling instead of helping. Good luck with everything. I'm not suggesting divorce but could you stay somewhere for a while? I know bipolar is a struggle by brother has it and his wife and him struggle in there marriage.

KRH6829 · January 2016

aulrey92 said:
Part of me knows that it will get better if he gets back in therapy and on meds for his bi-polar and depression. When he's down, he doesn't give a shit about anything but himself. But he can't do that unless he makes the appointment (his therapist says he has to demonstrate his willingness to get help) and he isn't allowed to make personal phone calls while at work, which exceeds their hours of operation. So they're making it just as hard for him to get help as the depression/bi-polar are themselves. I just don't feel comfortable walking away without seeing if those things help. I feel like I'd be giving up on him for the wrong reason. But if he does get help and nothing changes, I have to be done.

It is not acceptable for him to not get help. I suffer from bi-polar and depression and know how hard it can be...I went through both of my pregnancies unmedicated for the well being of my babies. It is his responsibility to take care of himself, and if he is unwilling to do that then maybe he shouldn't be a parent. You do not want your daughter to grow up around someone who will negatively affect her.

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