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I never thought I could hurt like this

SapphireRose8SapphireRose8 member
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
A week ago I got a BFP. We were NTNP with plans to TTC in about 6 months, once we finished renovations on our house. It was an unexpected BFP, but we were overjoyed. By the time it really hit, I had started to bleed. But I wasn't too worried, it wasn't a lot, and I knew sometimes it happens. But it kept going and going and even though I wasn't I pain, I freaked out. I went to the Dr and her pee test was negative. She told me not to panic, my dates could be wrong and my sample was diluted (I drink a lot of water when I'm anxious) so we drew blood. And those results come in today, but I know what they will say because against my own advice I POAS this morning. BFN.

I'm absolutely devastated and I have nowhere to turn right now. DH chose today, of all days, to forget his phone. My sister will simply get all quiet and teary voiced, and my best friend when I called her said she was sorry and then started talking about her cat (I get that she had no idea what to say). I didn't carry this baby for long, and if my dates were wrong it was a CP (but I don't think they were. I should be 6w today), but for this wonderful week I was so excited. I instantly fell in love with my peanut, I was over the moon. And now I feel so broken and empty and I feel like I failed. I'm so angry, and I cant stop the tears. I wanted this baby so bad. And now I have nothing but a picture of a positive test.
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Re: I never thought I could hurt like this

  • dpjenniferdpjennifer member
    I'm so sorry for your loss.  
    I hope you are able to get ahold of your DH.  Remember that no matter when you MC, it is still your baby and you can still be very attached to it.  I lost mine early and I cried for days, and I was miserable for weeks, and I still am emotional about it.  Don't let anyone tell you it doesn't matter or that it's not important.  
    Just take things one moment at a time, then one minute at a time, then one hour at a time.  

    MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks)
    MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks)
    MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP)
    RE #1: RPL testing November 2016-January 2017
    MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP)
    RE #2: Additional RPL testing March-November 2017
    MC #5: January 2019 (6.5 weeks)

    RE #3: More testing 2023. 
    Egg Retrieval Sept/Oct 2023, 2 good embryos after PGT-A testing.
    Surgery for endometriosis January 2024
    Lupron Depo March 2024.  Benched 3 months.  Hopefully FET after that.

    #BitterHagPartyOf1

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  • RiverSong15RiverSong15 member
    edited January 2016
    I'm so sorry for your loss. A loss is a loss, no matter how early, and your feelings are valid. There are no "shoulds" when grieving, and no two people will grieve the same way. I hope you can get ahold of your DH, and that you can find some comfort. This community is a great resource, if you ever need to vent. Hugs.
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  • SapphireRose8SapphireRose8 member
    Thank you so much for the kind words ladies, they mean more than you know right now. I'm sure DH will come home for lunch, he has the last few days to check on me. I just hope I can keep it together enough that he doesn't feel the need to take the afternoon off, he's done that enough this week.
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  • katiebird8878katiebird8878 member
    So sorry for your heartbreak. Like you, I had no idea I could feel so much sadness for someone I had never met yet. The grief hit me as a shock and I've had to learn more about myself as a result. The best advice I got is that you should prepare for tough moments and insensitive comments. No one really gets what YOU are going through. The best thing I did was start reaching out on these message boards. It's a relief to get sympathy from others who have experienced something similar. I found even my boyfriend couldn't quite get what I was going through even though he was really supportive. It's not his fault and I need to not blame him if he handles things differently than I do. 

    Best wishes to you with the future! You will get through this tough time and be an even stronger mama in the future. :smile: 
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  • scrowle5scrowle5 member
    You're not alone. Don't forget that. I am hurting aswell.
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  • BooksForMe23BooksForMe23 member
    I 100 percent understand where you are coming from.  I was only 7 weeks pregnant when I miscarried.  I had no idea it would hit me so hard.  I am starting to feel better and recover emotionally.  I'm still extremely sad, but I'm able to go to work and live a relatively normal life.  Two weeks ago I wasn't getting out of bed.  I know that you will start to feel better too.  We won't ever forget our babies, but we will survive.  I hope you are good to yourself and take time for just you and your husband.  Good luck!
    TTC #1 since June 2015
    BFP #1 Nov 2015 ended in MC Dec 26 2015
    BFP #2 Feb 2016, EDD Nov 8 2016




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  • Dutchie28Dutchie28 member
    Hugs!! I too am going through a miscarriage right now which I guess would be considered a chemical pregnancy. I was probably pregnant for about a week, but I didn't miscarry until about 1 1/2 weeks later (which sucks because I was still feeling pregnant with all of the symptoms). It hurts. We can hang in there together.
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