MIL Situation

bankssl1 · January 2016

Today is my 20 week sono and my husband and mom are both coming with me. Last night my MIL asked if my husband was going and I said yes, he and my mom are. Well apparently she got her feelings hurt because we didn't ask her to come too. I now know that I should have just kept my mouth shut but I can't help but get annoyed with MIL. She is a school teacher and my mom doesn't work, so it is ALOT easier for my mom to come and I honestly didnt even invite my mom she just said she was coming. Should I feel bad for not inviting my MIL?? I just assumed she wouldn't want to take the entire afternoon off of work, but now I feel awful.

Rawa1416 · January 2016

If you don't mind her being there, maybe explain the situation and ask if she'd want to take off work for it? Or offer to call her while it's happening so she can be at work and still feel a part of it? I've learned with having a baby to pick and choose my battles with grandparents. If I don't feel strongly one way or another, I try to make them feel as included as possible. But it's also a little different because they all live 6 hours away.

NicknShan · January 2016

Personally, I would feel hurt if I was your MIL and found out the other grandma was invited and I wasn't given the option, even if I did work and she didn't.

However, it is yours and your husbands baby, so you ultimately get to make all decisions, and shouldn't feel guilty about the decisions you make. Are there restrictions on how many people you can have in the room? I would most definitely look into that.

If you are not going to extend an invite, I would just be honest with her and say something along the lines that you didn't want her to feel obligated to take time off. And if you feel awful, maybe do something special for her when you tell her what you are having.

PressLove · January 2016

It's your right to have whomever you like at your appointment. You shouldn't feel bad, but please understand why her feelings are hurt. She feels excluded. Even if she couldn't have made it, it would have been nice to be considered.

Since I don't know either of you, I can't comment on the relationship she believes that you have. However, I know from personal experience that grandmothers often feel that the child will prefer one granny over the other. Since she's still working, she knows that your mom will probably be around more. I had a long talk with my mom about her irrational fears because we live closer to my MIL. Don't change your behavior, just give her a little extra consideration.

bankssl1 · January 2016

My MIL and I are pretty close, and I totally get why her feelings are hurt, I'm sure mine would be too! I am usually pretty good about making sure both sides of the family are included and taken care of. We already know the sex of the baby, and I am inviting everyone to my 4D sono so I just didn't even think twice about it. I will def be sending her a video of the sono, I just still feel crummy.

HBamama2B · January 2016

I wouldn't feel too crummy. You can't be 100% even all the time and it's wonderful you are thinking about her. I understand that she feels left out, but part of being an adult is knowing that relationships between people are different at different times. She may not get equal everything, but she may also get more of some things. I agree with pp to explain why she wasn't invited and that you were trying to think of the demands on her time. I think including everyone on the 4D is a great idea and I wouldn't stress too much. It's wonderful that she wants to be involved!

mrsb8244 · January 2016

It seems like you didn't mean to make her feel excluded at all and you feel bad about it. I would just explain to her you didn't think this appointment was a big deal (even though it is as far as making sure baby is healthy) and since she is going to the 4D sono you didn't want to ask her to take off work. It's so hard to make both sides feel included equally. I love my MIL dearly but at the end of the day she's not my mom and sometimes I am biased towards my own mom and I have to think about things. I'm also best friends with by mom so it seems different than just a mother-daughter relationship

huskypuppy14 · January 2016

Honestly, if I were a MIL and my DIL was having an ultrasound and she invited her own mother and not me I wouldn't feel hurt. It's still your appointment. You might be closer to your mom than your MIL and its your medical appointment. However, if you don't mind her there extend the invitation. Personally I don't want anyone other than my husband at my appointments, but that's just me.

Huskerfanz · January 2016

It kind of sounds like your MIL is a BEC situation which I can understand. I can also understand why your MIL was hurt. What does your H think about your mom coming and not his? Does your mom normally dictate things like this?

jpocnj · January 2016

This is why I don't invite anyone to my appointments and won't be inviting anyone to the hospital until well after the baby is born. Someone always ends up butthurt even if it was completely unintentional.
My MIL is the type to want to be highly involved in everything and always talks about how when her daughter went into labor she was at the hospital immediately and they walked the halls together for hours, how she went to all the appointments with her, etc etc. While I understand that MIL wants to be involved because it's her grandchild, I kind of consider them to be MY appointments, not BABY appointments until the baby is born.
Hopefully if you just talk to her she'll understand that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings and exclude her, but personally I think MIL needs to suck it up a little bit too. Just because you're comfortable having your own mom at a medical appointment, doesn't mean you're comfortable having your MIL there too.

bankssl1 · January 2016

Thank you all for making me feel much better! My husband doesn't mind if my mom comes, he would have told me if he did. My MIL is very overbearing most of the time and she stresses me out MUCH more than my mother,this is also MIL's first grandbaby--which is even more stressful! I wouldn't have minded one bit if my MIL asked to come, but I would have never thought to invite either one of our mothers.

LizM61409 · January 2016

How would you feel about having those people in the room if the ultrasound finds something bad? Unlikely of course, but something I would consider.

HBamama2B · January 2016

@LizM61409 that's exactly my thought. I want no one but DH there JUST in case we get some type of bad or not great news. While I'm excited at the opportunity to see LO, I'm too aware that the purpose of the apt is to identify any potential issues. I would want time to process and research and deal together before looping in the parents and dealing with their fear on top of ours. But I can see how dealing with that is very personal and might bother some people like us, but others would prefer the immediate support.

totsabounding · January 2016

Agree with the PPs that said that it was clear you weren't trying to exclude anyone, and that it's completely okay for you to have whomever you want at YOUR medical appointment without fear of hurting anyone's feelings. It kind of boggles my mind that some grandparents and grandparents-to-be seem to think they claim some kind of ownership over the pregnancy. The baby, of course, is their grandchild and that's nothing to sneeze at, but I think some of them go a little overboard and honestly need to back off a bit. I'm not a fan of drama like this, particularly when people are feeling threatened or like they have to compete with one another. And especially in cases like these, where absolutely no one is purposefully trying to hurt anyone, but rather going about the business of having a baby and the many appointments and milestones that go along with that. Ultimately, this is yours and your husband's deal, no one else's. It's different for every family, of course...and I absolutely agree with PPs who pointed out that each relationship (with mom, MIL, etc.) is different, and that's okay! I think the fact that you are reflecting upon this and wanting to be sensitive to the feelings of your MIL is great. But I also don't think you owe her, or anyone else, any explanations.

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