DS does not want to go to his dad's house

sldp123 · January 2016

Hello, I'm just a lurker on this board, I normally participate on the TTGP board, but this has nothing to do with TTC and I'm hoping to get some advice about an issue with my DS.

So DS is 7yo. His dad and I divorced when he was 4 after being separated off and on from the time he was an infant. We do not have a formal custody arrangement, but DS goes to his dad's on Wednesday evening from after school until about 7:30pm, and every other Saturday from 6:30pm-7:30pm on Sunday.

I have been remarried for six months, and DH lived with us for about one year prior to getting married. DH and DS have an amazing relationship and everything is great at home. DS and his dad have always had an "okay" relationship I guess. His level of involvement in DS's life varies, but DS had always seemed to enjoy and look forward to time with dad. About ten months ago, his dad started dating someone and they moved extremely fast. They moved in together after about a month, and she was pregnant a couple weeks later. Baby is due in February. She has a 9yo son of her own as well. DS does not like her at all, he says she is mean, disrespectful, and has "anger issues" (his words). It has gotten to the point where he says he doesn't even want to see his dad anymore because he doesn't want to be around his girlfriend and her son, who he also says is mean.

I will be the first to admit that I know my DS is sensitive, and I really don't think he is 100% miserable 100% of the time he is there. And I don't think anything terrible is going on. I think part of it is that they most likely have a different kind of household than DH and I (which is fine) and probably just aren't as nice and attentive as we are. And since DS is there so infrequently, he doesn't feel comfortable. I honestly think his dad is totally unaware that he is so unhappy about having to go there. I mentioned to him one time that DS has said that his girlfriend is mean, and he defended her saying that she isn't, but she does yell because her own son is not as well behaved as our DS. Also, DS told me that he told his dad the same thing, and he said he would talk to his girlfriend about it, but I don't know what ever came of that.

I just really don't know how to approach this, or if I should at all. It is hard for me to hear DS saying that he doesn't want to go, or asking why he has to go, because I feel bad sending him away to be unhappy. But at the same time, it wouldn't be right to say that he just won't see his dad anymore. I know that his dad is entitled to date and live with whoever he wants whenever he wants, but it seems to be bothering DS and I don't know how to help him. Any advice is appreciated, and I can provide more details if needed. This was just getting really long and I wasn't sure where to start or what to include that would be helpful in giving a good idea of the situation. If you made it through, thank you!

Knottie1442268460 · January 2016

I'd ask a therapist.

mhwood · January 2016

If the visits are court ordered, you can't just stop them. You could be held in contempt if he decided to pursue it in court.

I went through something similar with my daughter and ex when his girlfriend was due to have their first child. She was afraid of being replaced, of him loving this child that lived with him full time more than her. Unfortunately, he ended up ruining their relationship and she hasn't spoken to him in several years (she is 19 years old).

I would consider some family counseling for all of you....if your ex will participate, even better.

sldp123 · January 2016

@mhwood Thank you for sharing your experience. I wonder if the idea of being replaced has something to do with DS's feelings, I hadn't thought of that honestly. Our visits are not court ordered, but I still don't feel right about just stopping them anyway, because then nothing will ever be resolved.

izza2 · January 2016

I would suspect that PP is right about your DS perhaps feeling like he's being replaced by your ex's step-son and expected child. When I first married my husband, my step-son asked him about us having a baby. He's very good at articulating what he's feeling and saying what he means, and he flat out asked my husband if he would be replaced or if things would change for him if we had a child together. He assured him that it would not, and when we were deciding to TTGP we had the discussion with him again -- he was more comfortable and happy about the prospect of having another sibling (his mother has another son from another relationship whom my step-son does not get along with well), and even said that as long as he didn't have to share his room he didn't care.

It's a legitimate fear, and it could be what's going on here. I would go ahead and consider the therapy, at least for your son. My step-son has been seeing a psychologist for a few years now because he was having behavioural problems when he was living with his mother, and it's done wonders for him in multiple ways. He may just need a third-party to speak to to express his fears and work through them.

sugarpixxie2 · January 2016

This may or may not work in your situation but maybe you could speak with the girlfriend?? Not in a confrontational way, but maybe just approach her/text her/ message her and say that you know she is going to be in your sons life long term since she and your ex are having a baby, let her know that you want to have open communication with her since she will have somewhat of a parenting role in your son's life. Be completely pleasant and not intimidating. She probably does have some jealousy toward your son but maybe if everyone comes together she will feel less like it's her vs. you or her child vs. your child.

I would continue sending your son over there unless something really bad is going on. On the positive side, try to be happy you are the preferred parent rather than the other way around! My son visits his dad out of state so only sees him on school breaks, and because he only sees his dad on vacations he has this fantasy about how great it would be to live at his dads all the time. So I am kind of the "not fun" parent because we have bedtimes, homework, rules, etc.....

Maybe your son can make her a special gift? Or something for the baby? Maybe something like that will melt her heart a little and help her bond with your son more.

sldp123 · January 2016

@sugarpixxie2 I actually did speak to his gf when they were first moving in together, in the exact way you mentioned, and it went (I thought) extremely well. I talked about my concerns since things were moving so fast, and she seemed to completely understand, and told me she had some of the same concerns for her own son. She seemed totally reasonable and normal. Little did I know at that time they were planning to have a baby already. Maybe I can try to have another conversation.

Anyway, I am glad that we are the preferred parents/household, but at the same time it makes me sad for DS. I wish he was equally happy at both homes. But I understand what you are saying, I always worried about his dad being the "fun" parent for the same reasons you mentioned.

Thanks for your input!

sldp123 · January 2016

@izza2 Thanks for sharing your situation. My son actually has started asking us fairly often if we are going to have another child, so that he can have a "real" brother. He said he has a step-brother and he'll have a half-brother, but he wants a "real" brother. I told him that half brothers and step brothers and any kinds of brothers are real brothers. But I think that maybe he is feeling kind of like an outsider there. I'm going to try to talk to him a little, he is also pretty good at articulating his feelings (for a 7yo) so maybe now that I have some idea of what he could be thinking/feeling, I can get more out of him.

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