Please don't judge, HELP!

samanthanirvana · December 2015

Hello ladies. I am back on here. I have gone thru a very rough year. I've been in a very dysfunctional off and on relationship for 4 years and a half. Last February I became pregnant and was so happy, my boyfriend seemed happy as well and led the happiness on for 10 weeks until he decided to say that he wasn't ready and didn't want this. He proceeded to brainwash me and mentally abuse me into a forced abortion which I still cannot forgive myself for. The relationship continued and remained off and on and abusive emotionally and mentally and verbally. We've been broken up since the beginning of this month and I just found out I am pregnant by him again

. I can't bear to put myself thru that experience again. But I am afraid to be a single mom. I am also afraid of not being able to support my baby in the way that I would like. My boyfriend has another child he's 5 years old and he loves his son. And I feel as though he wouldn't be able to balance both children . I don't know what to do and my story goes on and on and on . I am very stuck and emotional . Advice ?

MacBaby0805 · December 2015

Sweetheart, I am so sorry. Your story brings tears to my eyes. I was in a very, very similar situation, and it is the worst feeling. I know you must be scared and torn and so sad. But please please please hear me when I say - you can do this. I'm sure you have a lot of love for your ex, and I have no doubt that it feels like it would be SO much easier to go back. I promise you, you will regret it. And one day, it could seriously affect your sweet baby. For both of your sakes, I really advise you to stay strong. I'm not saying cut him out of the child's life, but don't go back to something that brought you so much pain, especially one that involved another pregnancy. It is so hard to recover from that. You have a blessing in your belly, and you can do it. I promise you. The odds are, you won't be alone forever. You still have plenty of time to build a family with someone who will treat you and your baby the way you deserve. There are so many resources and options for single moms. And support up the wazoo. Let this baby be a reminder that you have to take care of you, in order to take care of him/her. You will find someone else, someday. You can do this. Be strong, mama.

samanthanirvana · December 2015

Thank you so much that made me cry

1faceinacrowd · December 2015

My best friend is a single mom who's never had support from the dad and she has done a fabulous job. She worked at a fast food place and was only 18 when she got pregnant, but she eventually found a better job and has been doing such a wonderful job since her daughter was born almost 6 years ago. Keep your chin up, dear. You can do it!

samanthanirvana · December 2015

Thank you

Kristin712 · December 2015

I suggest finding a counselor, whether through your insurance, a community center, or your church. There are a lot of feelings for you to sort through and plans to put into place. I think it would be very beneficial to speak with a neutral party to help you cope and make decisions throughout this process.

Bookhousegirl · December 2015

Hugs to you, it sounds like you are in an incredibly challenging situation.

I agree with above poster that speaking with a counselor would be beneficial. If you find one through a local mental health clinic they can most likely help to get you set up with services as well as process through all of the feelings and decisions you are facing. Good luck!!

ThisisNumber3 · December 2015

Big hugs.... Being mom is hard work but it sounds like you want to do it! But please think about if you would to put your sweet child through the emotional mess by being involved with him.

charmedlifex3 · December 2015

One thing to keep in mind as well, is something my mom said to me years ago. When my parents were having kids, or when they were kids, the standards were a lot lower. There wasn't pintrest pitting mom's against one another, or products attempting to replace common sense. I had a used crib, and my grandmother made most of my baby clothes. I still turned out fine.

There are two issues here. Do *you* want this baby? Yes? Then you'll make it work. Don't let magazines influence your image of what parenting a baby "should" look like. You will be the BEST mom this kid has, even if that means adoption is an option. If that means you parent and they don't have cutesy bedding, and brand new name brand clothes - None of that matters. I promise - every mother I know has panicked about how the hell to afford what the media is telling us we "should" want for our kids. We are planning to cloth diapers to save money, and I will buy every.single.one. used. #noshameparenting.

The other issue is the relationship between the baby's father and yourself. If you do decide to parent this child, you will always have a connection to him - but what do you want that relationship to look like? Changing old patterns is NOT easy, and it sounds like for everyone's sake, your relationship needs to change. I second the thought to reach out to a counselor. If your area has a planned parenthood, reach out to them. They will be able to connect you with options depending on your income. Or - they will just listen.

Also, check and see if your job has an "EAP" system. When my house burned, my job paid for 5 counseling sessions to help me cope. Through work, the health care EAP here is providing me with a breast pump for free. Most major corporations will have something, and you do not need to disclose WHY you are (or even that you are) reaching out to the system to anyone you work with.

I will say, as someone who escaped a mentally, physically and sexually abusive relationship - there is normalcy on the other side. There is NO reason you deserve this, this is not your fault, and it's not something you did that caused it to happen. I know you want him to be the person you need - you can't change him. Only the way you respond to his actions. Feel free to PM me, if you want. I left my ex with a trash bag full of clothes and my cat - and nothing else. We have a written, legally binding contract through family court prohibiting him from contacting me in any manner but through the court. (Document. Everything.) It was to a point where if I stayed, I knew I would end up dead. There are services for everything from moving, to counseling, to taking legal action, and most of the services know of other resources - so even if the place you call can't help, a lot of times they will give you another place to try. Here is one of many help lines, (Women helping women) Leaving, and staying gone, was the hardest thing I ever did- but now I thank God every day for my wonderful husband, and our healthy happy marriage.

Toll-Free 1-877-889-5610

LEOwife726 · January 2016

Oh girlfriend...I've been there. I got pregnant at 20 by my party buddy. I had a part time job. Moved back home with my parents. I had his girlfriends harassing me about how I trapped him throughout my whole pregnancy. Got a text the night before my induction from him that said "tomorrow's d day, huh?" Long story short, I delivered that beautiful 8lb boy and we grew up together. I didn't have anything figured out, but we figured it out together. I'm not saying it was easy but it was exactly what I didn't know I needed. Fast forward 8 years later, he's still the light of my life and my biggest accomplishment! YOU CAN DO IT, Mama. I promise. It'll be your greatest adventure! And you may be a single mama but you'll never be alone!! Xoxo

tyannej · January 2016

I will be praying for you and baby. Although I've never been in a situation like this. My absolute best friend was. She was 16 years old when she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl that I calls me Aunt TyTy. She finished high school and got a full time job, as well as going to college. Baby daddy hasn't had much, if anything to do with this baby. Fast forward, my best friend is about to graduate with a bachelors degree and become a teacher, she has a beautiful, happy, and healthy almost 4 year old. She is getting married soon to a man this little girl calls daddy. I admire her strength because she did it. By herself. She is an amazing mother that picked up the pieces and now has her life together. You can do it. Society may not thing a single mom is acceptable, but it is and single moms do it every single day. You can too!

DisneyIsabelle · January 2016

More than anything you need to take care of yourself, and that will be enough to take care of your little one. Your little one doesn't need lots of money and expensive things, it needs a mommy who is happy and healthy and not wrapped up in a negative relationship. Let the supportive people in your life be there for you and accept help. You can do it! My SIL is an amazing single mom. She lets people help her and she enjoys her life and takes care of herself and her son, and that is all he needs!

LacieMac · January 2016

You can absolutely do this on your own. A baby is the most precious gift in the world. It will be hard to do on your own but it doesn't seem that the father would be much help anyways and would probably cause more hurt and frustration than anything. I had a friend in a very similar situation. She saw a counselor, left her abusive BF and raised the baby on her own. It was difficult and she had to make sacrifices but she's doing so well now. Do what's best for you and your child. God will help you through your struggles. Prayers for you!

Diimari15 · January 2016

Though my circumstances were much different 6 years ago I was in a difficult pregnancy position and decided on an open adoption. I chose the family and they chose me (all though a fantastic agency) and we see each other about every 6 months. Now my life has settled and become more financially, emotionally and simply overall more stable and we have now decided to start a family of our own. This will be our first visit with the family since the decision and am anticipating the reaction.
Yes it is a heavy decision but sometimes it's better to think of the the life the little one could have beyond what you can provide. Although he would have had more love than either of us even now can imagine, his life is flourishing in ways we never could have sustained for some of the most important years of his life.
It is absolutely something to consider. If you have any sort of questions please message me, I don't want to seem forceful, but I strongly believe in and stand by my decision, and couldn't be happier with the outcome of it all.

Ktande22 · January 2016

So sorry to hear about your super difficult situation. I agree with the PP you can absolutely do this. So many women before you have. There will not be a day that goes by that you see that babys face and regret going through with things. And even if you adopt the life that a baby wo uld bring to a struggling couple is priceless. A friend from one of my previous BMB was in a terrible situation and she managed to walk away with 2 girls and within a year was in the relationship of her dreams and married within another 6 mos to a year of that. Now she and her husband are raising their blended family together. There is hope, there is light, you just keep taking one day at a time! Find a great support system, find a counselor, and realize that you deserve happiness. Staying with someone for fear of being alone, or being a single parents will not resolve their issues. If that person has proven abusive that doesnt just snap and change. You can do it mama!

HeyStVincent · January 2016

Do not let anyone else tell you what to do with your pregnancy. Not your ex, not your best friend, not your mom, NO ONE but YOU gets to make this decision. From what you've written it sounds like you want the baby but you are afraid you won't be good enough for the baby or the situation isn't what you have always dreamed of or imagined for your child. I want you to know that if you want this baby, you can do it. There are many, many resources for single moms. Many. I'm not sure where you live, but there are options federally, through your state, and probably even non-profits or churches in your area that are happy to help you get a healthy start to having this baby. We women are built to be strong. The task of raising a child on your own (at least initially) may seem impossible now, but you'll be surprised at what you can do, I promise.

Like others, I also recommend talking to your OB or your primary care doctor about the relationship you had with your ex. They can suggest a good counsellor in your area to help you deal with the pain he inflicted on you and the counsellor can also help you find ways to deal with stress (which will be helpful if you decide to go through with the pregnancy).

I am so sorry that you've had to go through all of this. I want you to know that you are not alone and you certainly don't need to explain to us, or feel guilty about, why you went back to your ex. I hope that for your safety and your health that you do not go back to him. There are plenty of other men out there who know how to act like real men and who will provide you with the respect and love you deserve, even if you have a child. I have an amazing, kind, good-looking, successful guy friend now who is getting ready to ask his girlfriend to marry him and she has a 4 year old child from a previous relationship. So, don't worry - you will not be single forever if you decide to go through with this pregnancy!

Also, you don't need to explain or provide an excuse for your previous abortion. Anyone who places judgment on you, or shuns you, for having an abortion isn't worth your time or your energy. And if you choose to terminate this pregnancy, that is your choice to make, just please make sure it's the one you really want. You can't undo that choice, and if it's not what you really want you may have some trouble dealing with it.

Good luck to you. I hope things get better soon.

PrimRoseMama · January 2016

samanthanirvana said:

Hello ladies. I am back on here. I have gone thru a very rough year. I've been in a very dysfunctional off and on relationship for 4 years and a half. Last February I became pregnant and was so happy, my boyfriend seemed happy as well and led the happiness on for 10 weeks until he decided to say that he wasn't ready and didn't want this. He proceeded to brainwash me and mentally abuse me into a forced abortion which I still cannot forgive myself for. The relationship continued and remained off and on and abusive emotionally and mentally and verbally. We've been broken up since the beginning of this month and I just found out I am pregnant by him again . I can't bear to put myself thru that experience again. But I am afraid to be a single mom. I am also afraid of not being able to support my baby in the way that I would like. My boyfriend has another child he's 5 years old and he loves his son. And I feel as though he wouldn't be able to balance both children . I don't know what to do and my story goes on and on and on . I am very stuck and emotional . Advice ?

:::lurker from TTGP:::
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this emotioonally trying time. Can you bounce your situation off of a trained third party (therapist or another confidante?). Me, myself, I'm not sure I would want to have a tie to an abusive ex-partner. I love babies and would most likely feel too bad to go through with an abortion, but adoption might be the best way to go for me. I'm not sure if you need the paternal green-light to select that option. Abortion isn't a horrible thing, IMHO, but I am scared of it. I also worry that it might re-traumatize you from you previous experience.

I'm a stranger to you and can't really tell you what to do except to say that I wish you peace with whatever you decide. There is no wrong answer, really. I don't believe you can be wrong. I think you can only do what feels right. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. Seek help and reach out to those that care about you. Giving you internet hugs.

dblock0626 · January 2016

Having one loving capable parent is better than having 2 parents and one of them being abusive. You're strong and you can do it!

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