Putting your relationship with your partner on hold to raise kids

mummabearoftwo · January 2016

Hi -

We have two under one and on the good days it's still a tough gig.
I'm starting to feel like we may need to put our relationship on hold for a while and raise the kids we brought into the world and maybe start dating again when they get a bit older.

I know that many people say your spouse comes first but I can't bring myself to put anyone in front of my kids, they didn't choose to be here - so should we not give them the best we can, right now our relationship is struggling because we are tired and trying to balance both a relationship and parenting. I feel like maybe we are putting too much pressure on ourselves on what our relationship should be with two kids opposed to just letting it be for now and coming back to each other when our kids are a bit more grown.

A newborn and a toddler both need our undivided attention and it's nearly impossible to try and add a healthy relationship in that mix or am i crazy and need a different plan of us all surving?

LydianG · January 2016

I'm very lonely in my relationship with SO. He's a good dad thankfully, but he's always been self absorbed and has always just kind of talked at me and then when i talk about anything he just plays his cellphone games or just gives me a one word reply and goes back to talking about whatever intrests him. I kind of just would rather live alone at this point honestly, but like i said... Hes a good dad and is attentive to the baby so i'm just kind of hanging in there. I feel like im just a piece of sentient furniture.

GoogleMD · January 2016

I think you are looking at this from the wrong perspective.

First of all, I think it is really important for kids to see healthy loving adult relationship. My parents have been married almost 30 years, and they always made their relationship a priority. I think a lot of how kids learn what an appropriate relationship is, is from watching their parents. I never felt less loved or scared because they put us in bed 45 min earlier so they could have time togrther, or that they had a date night almost every week. I think it made them less stressed and better parents.

I may be in the minority, but my life is not just being a parent. I love don't think raising kids means you can't take care of yourself. I am more than just my son's mom. That means take time for myself, maintaining and nurturing relationships with my husband and friends, excelling in a career that I love. All of those thing make me a better person, and a better parent.
Raising kids is the most important thing I may do, but it isn't the only thing. I don't want to wake up in 20 years when my kids are grown and out the house and not know who I am because my entire life was my kids.

Obviously things are hard when you have little ones, and thr relationship may take a little bit of a back seat. However, I think a strong relationship with your husband and the father of your children is worth fighting for.

MargaretC5 · January 2016

I think a relationship changes with kids, but I don't think you should put it on hold.
When you say your relationship is struggling, do you mean that you just don't have time to spend together or are other issues?
If there are issues, I do think you need to work on them. Putting a relationship on hold sounds like you are ignoring the issues and that does not fix anything. Yourself and your partner have to be a team to parent and that means a healthy relationship.
If the problem is just not having the time for each other, maybe you need to look for things you can do together in the time you do have. Our toddler goes to bed at 8, so from 8 to until we go to bed is my H and I time together. There are usually other things to get done and the baby to take care of still, buy we try to find some point in that time to sit down together even if it is only for a few minutes. I do put some chores on hold until the next day so we can have some time together.
I also make a point to hug my H every day, I find taking that one minutes to hug does make us feel closer together.

dramaphile · January 2016

I think it depends on what your expectation of a "healthy relationship" is. It may not include being alone with your partner without kids or having sex or long adult conversations, but I think you shouldn't abandon closeness with your partner. I feel like being in the trenches of parenthood has bonded us in a different ways than marriage did.

I find that even little things like holding hands in the car when we drive somewhere or making sure to always kiss goodnight help keep us more physically connected. It could be you are holding your relationship to an outdated standard, and maybe you need to focus on the smaller things and find connection there.

gipfish · January 2016

@GoogleMD couldn't have said it better.

I firmly believe that the best thing a parent can do for their kids is to love their kids' other parent. Your kids have a dad and you are still married to him, so I would like to encourage you to fight for that relationship with him. Nothing makes a kid happier than to know his mommy and daddy love each other, and getting your relationship into a good place will make mommy and daddy happy, too!

Perhaps you and your partner could talk about a few things that you both consider most important for a healthy relationship and try to think of ways to make time for those things or alternate ways of accomplishing those things to what you have been used to.

bellie1223 · January 2016

I agree with PP, though I should preface I'm a first time mom so all of this is new for us. Our relationship has changed since having lo, but I see it as just adapting to adding parenting as a role, not changing in some fundamental way. I don't think you should put your relationship "on hold" but address the issues you have, expecting it may take longer/be harder to work through since your time is so divided with your young children. I completely agree with @DrGoogle that being a parent is ONE thing you do, not the ONLY thing you do, and having other interests and relationships does not undermine your parenting or how much you love your children.

doodleoodle · January 2016

I'm with you @mummabearoftwo I wish I could put my relationship on hold. I get minimal help from my husband and he's so loud when he's home I almost wish I lived alone because he disturbs the baby. I don't need someone just sitting on their phone or tablet while I run around like a crazy person trying to figure out how I'm going to feed my underweight baby that is refusing formula. It really hit me how selfish he is when we had an appointment yesterday with LO's pediatrician and DH alarm was set for the same amount of time beforehand as it would be without a baby.

Sorry to ramble on about myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone and while I don't think a break until the kids are older is healthy a shorter break may be, if the intention is to save your relationship and that that intention is clear to your spouse.

chein1 · January 2016

Get a sitter and go out with your husband. For real.

kmd91 · January 2016

I think there's definitely a different strokes for different folks aspect here. However, to me it doesn't seem all that healthy to put a romantic relationship with your partner on pause in order to raise the children. Honestly, for me the little bits of affection my husband and I are able to exchange helps take my stress away. Things may get busy and hectic between our son and our crazy dogs and it's easy to get lost in that. But my husband and I make sure to keep our relationship an aspect of our lives. Always making sure to get a goodbye kids and I love yous in before he leaves for work in the morning and on his way back to work if he comes home for lunch. Snuggles once we get into bed and sometimes some adult activities too, if our son is solidly asleep. For me I don't think I could handle it as well if I was strictly only a mommy. I need to have that wife and lover role as well for my own sanity. And now he's gone for a month or so, and being just a mommy for this time kinda stresses me out. But that's just me, for some people the parenting roles may be enough for you to have a happy relationship with your partner.

rubirubi89 · January 2016

Im all for bonding with your baby ( I just might be obsessed with mine) but you should really try and make even the tiniest bit of time for your husband or soon your relationship with your kids will be the only one you're in.

GAgirlinSDakota · January 2016

::Lurking::

Though I agree with GoogleMD, I know you'll make whatever decision you deem best. Just remember, if you choose to put things on hold, you and your dh will continue to grow as people, but you won't be growing together. Your relationship with your spouse is so important. If you do this, someday your children will be grown and you'll look up and find yourself living with a stranger. If you two only raise your kids, and not your relationship, what are you going to do when 20ish (or 5ish or 7ish) years from now the only thing that was holding you two together is gone?

mmmynyx · January 2016

My DD comes first...but even though my husband and I are struggling with our relationship, I still make time for us. I've talked to him about how he needs to step up as a parent more and he's been doing great so far. But if you can't juggle baby and husband then I believe you should put your relationship on hold. It will only add stress to your life if you continue to worry about him.

Ceridwen77 · January 2016

Someone gave me and DH this advice -

To me: the best gift you can give your children is to love their father.

To DH: the best gift you can give your children is to love their mother.

Now I'm not one to believe that a house with two parents is any better than a house with a single mom or dad, but what I do strongly believe is if there are two parents/partners in a home, they better heed the above advice. Otherwise there will be a negative effect on the children.

CocoR04 · January 2016

Great advice here! OP, I also have a (very high needs) toddler and a newborn. I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you're coming from. If I get 15 minutes each day where I'm not tending to a child, I'm going to use it to shower, have a cup of coffee, or catch up on email. I'm just now getting to the point where time with DH is a priority again. We are in survival mode, and it's hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes.

One thing that helps me connect with DH, even when kids are around, are looking at old photos and emails from when we were first dating 10 years ago. It reminds us of when things were new and how far we've come. Just having a "moment" like that over the dinner table counts as connecting with your spouse!

aubreybouskill · January 2016

@GAgirlinSDakota: what you said is so spot on to how I feel. My parents relationship ended after 30 years when my youngest brother graduated high school and the "parenting" was pretty much done. By that point, my parents were roommates and miserable. My mom put us first all my life, which, now as a mom...I can see how easy it is to want to drop everything to tend to your babies. However, I watched how much that took a toll on their relationship - they had opposite work schedules so that someone was always home with the kids which makes sense when kids are little, but they still did this when we were fully capable of being home by ourselves, so they were always crossing paths, no date nights or alone time, and no appreciation for one another. I learned from watching their relationship how important it is to maintain the romantic relationship with my husband. I know that it will be harder than heck at times, but I think shoving it under the rug for any length of time will do way more damage than good. A friend once told me that you shouldn't think of it as "putting your kids before your husband" or vice versa, because you and your husband should parent together as "one" entity/unit. I always loved that. Anyways, OP, I really hope you and your hubby can find a way to keep your head above water during these crazy times. I would try to go on a date night together as soon as possible

ColoradoHiker · January 2016

After seeing how 'putting the kids first' and neglecting their relationship worked out for my parents for the past 35 years, I promised DH that he would always be my first priority. He's the one who will help me raise our kids, and the one who will be there when they move out. We both acknowledge that there will be periods (especially with a newborn) where this isn't always true, but we're aiming for big picture.

Also, we always talked about integrating our DS into our lives, not making him our sole focus. I plan on still being other things besides a mom. A researcher. A hiker, kayaker, outdoor lover. A crazy cat lady, a reader. I'm so much more than a parent, as are you and your DH. Talk to him.

flas · January 2016

ColoradoHiker said:
After seeing how 'putting the kids first' and neglecting their relationship worked out for my parents for the past 35 years, I promised DH that he would always be my first priority. He's the one who will help me raise our kids, and the one who will be there when they move out. We both acknowledge that there will be periods (especially with a newborn) where this isn't always true, but we're aiming for big picture.

Also, we always talked about integrating our DS into our lives, not making him our sole focus. I plan on still being other things besides a mom. A researcher. A hiker, kayaker, outdoor lover. A crazy cat lady, a reader. I'm so much more than a parent, as are you and your DH. Talk to him.

^^^This, I can't love this enough! I have 3 kids now and hubby and I still find plenty of time to be together, even if it's just chilling on the couch or making supper. For me, he is my best friend and the one I chose to make these kids with so I want them to know how much we love each other. I also make sure I get "me" time too. I'm a creative person and love having projects on the go and I'll be dned if I'm going to give them up! My kids are a part of my life, not my entire life.

Want a personalized experience?

Putting your relationship with your partner on hold to raise kids

Re: Putting your relationship with your partner on hold to raise kids

Choose Another Board

Search Boards