Didn't plan to be a single mom-vent/rant/advice needed

Re: Didn't plan to be a single mom-vent/rant/advice needed

• mrscheetah member

  January 2016

  As someone who has worked in the recovery and mental health fields, I just want to say that marijuana use in the home is adequate grounds for CPS to remove children from a home. Even if it's outside the home, it's a huge red flag were the authorities to catch wind of your situation. If he is not willing to choose you and his child over a drug that is probably illegal (depending on your state), he is not mature enough to be a father.
  
  That said, it sucks that you're going through this and I'm really sorry. And you're not a failure! You're an awesome mom who wants to protect her daughter. I hope everything works out for you.

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• jlawson23 member

  January 2016

  Thank you, I live in Texas! It's illegal as you said, and I definitely am not willing to risk losing my daughter. I feel the same way your life changes when you have children and you should do anything and everything to protect them! If you can't do that, than you're not a parent by any means!
  
  Thank you though this sucks, but I have to do what's best for my daughter.

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• jagarrett86 member

  January 2016

  I haven't been through a situatuon similar to this but I just wanted to let you know that you are far from a failure! You are doing what is best for your daughter and also helping your mom! I'm sure things aren't easy for you right now but they will get better. It sounds to me like this BOYfriend has a lot of growing up to do. You're doing an awesome job! Just remember that ♡

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• cmommy13 member

  January 2016

  I have not been through something like this but have seen situations like this and I can tell you that you're doing the right thing. His karma will come when his teenage daughter doesn't know him at all because he chose himself over her and being a part of her life. You're a good mother and I think it's wonderful that you're living with your parents and providing a safe home for your little girl. I would reach out to other moms in your area if you know any. That way you have people to talk to close by who understand. And I know there are mom's who technically aren't single mom's but might as well be because their husbands don't help out at all. Just keep your chin up. You're not the only one and you're doing the right thing. Be strong for your daughter and don't let anyone hurt her, that should be your only concern. The best thing you can do for her is love her every day and be happy yourself too.

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• gollygeeitsamy member

  January 2016

  I need to let you know that you are not failing your daughter. You are being a good mom by getting her out of a bad situation. The father is the one who is the failure. He can't get past his own selfishness to see what he is missing.
  
  Also, I'm sorry to hear about your mother, I hope that she gets well soon. I know that is tough in and of itself. I'm glad you get to be with her during this time.
  
  What kind of visiting arrangements does the father have with her? Does he want to be in her life?

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• jlawson23 member

  January 2016

  Thank you ladies I'm trying to give her the best life possible now!
  
  As far as visiting arrangements currently no he doesn't see her regularly. When she was 10 weeks he wanted to keep her for the weekend, but I declined because I don't trust that he is not going to smoke around her as he's never said he wouldn't and I can't take that chance. So, he refuses to come to my parents when I've offered for him to come over(he doesn't like my mom.) I did however bring her to his family's Christmas dinner and family pictures (2 spear events when he asked for her to be there I stayed the whole time of course) Furthermore she's EBF right now, and he asked to keep her less than 24 hours before he wanted to pick her up. My supply is not of an abundance and I have to pump in advance for any special arrangement (including work.) He doesn't get it though he thinks that I'm selfish and I am making everything about myself and my needs, but I'm really not. I can just all of sudden start giving formula. Lastly, I feel like nothing should keep you from your child not even your pride. Be a man, and take care of your responsibilities, how you feel to me is irrelevant! Rant over! Promise ladies!

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• mel0601 member

  January 2016

  Girl, you are not alone! Replace weed with meth tho! I left my ex early June and even moved go another state to be safe and away from him. I literally had NO idea he was using. He was nothing like the media portrays. I'd guess you'd call it high functioning user. He still held a job, he looked normal. But he was dealing large quantities and the law caught up with him. I never knew because his job kept him on the road and that's how he did it. And could explain away his late nights etc.
  It's tough. It's tiring but you can do it!
  I have a three year old and a four month old and every day they are my only reason for getting out of bed!
  Your not a failure!! The fact your not settling with him for yourself and your daughter is proof enough of that!
  If you ever want to chat I'm just an inbox message away!!
  

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• aavila18 member

  January 2016

  Weed user for the dad of my little one. He was terrible. Broke up with him 3 months pregnant because of t. He used to fight me and just ignore completely on another end.same issue, saw nothing wrong as long as he wasn't high around Liam and never smelled of it around him. It took my pregnancy and even these first 4 months of Liam to get on friendship terms. We can speak openly and he is off the drugs because I forbid him to be around if I even suspected. It so hard being a single parent but it's rewarding because you know your little girl will not lack because you'll know everything there is to know about her and she will know you too. I'm not gonna say it'll be fine soon because it's hard to be a single parent but you'll be so happy that it happened now and hopefully you'll be able to be on better terms by the time she remembers anything. She'll hopefully have a dad who has his stuff together later. Praying for you but you're not failing, it hurts because you don't a broken/ incomplete home but as long as you do your best every minute of every day and you never let her lack in love you're succeeding. You have so much power as the momma! That little girl will know all you did for her one day. Just keep it up!

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• ElleKH member

  January 2016

  I can't offer you any advice, but please know that you are not a failure! I don't even know you and I'm so proud of you! You are very brave and you are doing the right thing for your daughter, taking her out of a toxic environment and raising her in a safe haven. That's what she needs and you are an EXCELLENT mom for doing so. Keep up the good work, mama. I know this must be so, so hard, but you're doing what's best for yourself, your mother, and most importantly, your daughter.  

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• chelseajeanene member

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  Being a single mom is no way makes you a failure. Staying with someone just for your child is never the right answer. You're where you need to be and I'm sure your mother is so happy to have you and the baby at this time in her life. Be strong and just do what you need to for that little girl but NEVER call yourself a failure for being a single mother. You're going to be her role model and by leaving someone who was toxic to your life is your first good example so believe in yourself, you've got this

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• LoveLee85 member

  January 2016

  You are your baby girls hero for taking her out of a toxic environment!!! You rock. You have also given your mom a new joy, your baby! So you are not only an amazing mother, but a truly amazing daughter as well!!!!!!!!

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• mamadeez member

  January 2016

  Weed is not the worst drug out there but choosing a vice or a crutch over your partner and your child is just as bad as any other addiction. (I consider loyalty to a substance to be addictive behaviour). He may recognize that one day. Taking on parenting solo is not failing your daughter, especially when you aren't preventing her family from being part of his life by taking her to special events.
  
  Tell him how long in advance you need in order to pump. Possibly freeze some milk if possible for a back up stash(I know it's hard work). Set up a day weekly/bi weekly that would be a potential visit day. Then following through is on him and not you. Make it structured so he can't blame you anymore.
  
  I have a close relationship with my mom and totally understand. I wish you and her the best!

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• jlawson23 member

  January 2016

  Thank you ladies! I appreciate everyone's advice and kind words. I've really needed some encouragement lately. I filed for child support because for whatever reason he isn't helping me with necessities. I have asked him about helping, and his answer is "he doesn't know what she needs." However, when she was 3 weeks old I said she could use a bottle warmer(not a necessity, but I couldn't think of anything pressing at the moment.) he said okay I will get her one, but that was 3 months ago and I haven't seen or heard anything about it.
  
  So I decidedly to go the route of child support because it didn't seem like we could accomplish anything for Allison on our own.

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• CRooney89 member

  January 2016

  I am in pretty much the exact same boat! While I was pregnant my boyfriend (ex) became very distant, constantly out with friends smoking weed, never wanted to spend time with me or talk about the future with our baby. One night I came home and found some type of drug on our kitchen counter (still to this day I'm not sure what it was) and I said enough is enough! I didn't want my son in that kind of environment, or around a father who would choose drugs over his family. I moved back in with my parents that night. It's hard doing it alone, but it would be even harder for my son to grow up with a father who would choose his xbox and weed over his own kid. He tells me he is no longer getting high, and we have a visiting schedule/a set amount of money for him to give me a week for his son's expenses ($40 and I had to FIGHT for that). The worst part is he will be good for one week, really nice to me and come over when he's supposed to, and then he expects me to just take him back and for things to go back to the way they were a year ago. And when I tell him it's going to take a lot longer than a week of good behavior for me to take you back, if ever (!!!), then I am the bitch who doesn't want our family together. Honestly I don't know what he does outside of the 14 or so hours I see him a week so I'm very skeptical, and he has lied to me many times in the past about his drug use. I don't understand how someone can be so selfish.

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• jlawson23 member

  January 2016

  This exactly! Xbox and marijuana! I too left when I was 9 months pregnant because I could see what was important to him! It's frustrating, but since I've never used any drugs I don't understand what it's like to be addicted and choose something so trivial over your family.

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• rjanice member

  January 2016

  I left my daughter's dad when she was 5 days old (she's 12 now). One of the best, yet hardest decisions I've had to make. He wasn't doing drugs or abusive but just overall bad for me. He cheated all of the time and thought material things were the way to be a good fiance. So thankful I never married that man. He now has 5 kids with 3 different women, none of who he is currently in a relationship with. For the first year, we barely spoke and dropped her off with each others parents. He's always been around but not on a daily basis. Like I said she's 12 now and sees her dad maybe one day out of the week if that. He's been on child support since she was 1 due to not getting anything he said he would.
  
  Being a single mom was hard as hell. But with a great family support system, it was doable. I worked full time and went to nursing school full-time while raising my daughter pretty much alone. He took her maybe one day every other weekend for years. Keep your head up. One day at a time. Everything will work out.

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• lillaura4unme member

  January 2016

  Oh wow. These stories are heartbreaking. I'm not in that situation but I hope you continue to have the strength to do what's right for your daughter. You are all such amazing mothers! My BF loves his video games but was ready to be a daddy. I feel like some of these guys are just immature. They might like the idea of being a daddy but aren't really putting forth the effort to understand what their child really needs. Your daughter will be surrounded by loved ones in a safe environment and that's all that matters. If he can't understand that thst takes precedence over his needs then it's his loss. Just pray he comes around and realizes he needs to work with you to make sure baby gets the best chance in life.
  Also My LO is EBF and I feel like everyone around me and in baby's life knows that it always takes planning for pumping or feeding. Blah. Oh and I talk to my mom every single day (all day) so if he is that insecure about the relationship you have with your mama that's his problem. he needs counseling. Good luck mama! ::hug::

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• jlawson23 member

  January 2016

  Thanks ladies this week has been rough. And I'm sure this new life is going to be hard as hell. But I just keep telling myself, "this too shall pass." Thank you for all the support and kind words it means more than you know.

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• akdewald member

  January 2016

  I left my now ex husband when our son was 18 months and my daughter was 4. He was physically abusive, on different drugs ( weed and pills) I have to admit I let it go on too long believing it would change. It never did. Still to this day. They are five and seven now. He hasn't seen or called them in over three years. It got so bad that I had to ask my mom to help buy food because he thought video games and drugs were more important. One day he went to work and I packed up the necessities, took the kids and went back to my parents home. It hurt more than anything. I debated every day for a long time if my children would some day hate me for leaving their father. You know what though. They don't even ask. I'm their mother and their best friend. I can now say I did everything for them and I feel so strong. I am lucky now to have an amazing fiance and step father to them. Like you said this too shall pass. And I can promise you when your little one looks at you and says mommy your the best mommy ever you will not ever second guess the choice you made.

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• jlawson23 member

  February 2016 edited February 2016

  Update... If anyone wants to know!
  
  So, yesterday was supposed to be a child support negotiation conference at our local AG's office. I was a nervous anxious mess. Because I hadn't seen him in 2 months, he hasn't done anything for our daughter. And I just get sick thinking about him. 
  
  But anyways long story short.
  
  I have an attorney who accompanied me to the negotiation. He was not expecting that. He was shocked to say the least. When I went in the office I explained my concerns about him using marijuana and his ability to care for our daughter at that time they said that they don't modify standard orders, so they couldn't touch the drug issue. So, I decided to file suit and appear in court to make it part of the order that in order to be in her life he has to get clean. Meaning random drug tests. After I decided to go to court I left, so we never actually met in a room together. 
  
  I will be honest and say I feel like crap. I know it was he best/right thing to do for our daughter. But I feel kind of hopeless and down as a single mom right now. This is not what I planned at all for my life. And I just feel like being judged by everyone because I wasn't married prior to our daughter, still not married, and may not ever get married because I already have a daughter. I'm sure it's not the end of the world just praying for a better outcome. 
  
  
  

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• Bognes member

  February 2016

  You should peruse this list: https://yourlocalsecurity.com/blog/2011/06/15/top-100-most-inspiring-single-moms/
  
  for example:
  

  1. Elizabeth Blackwell – America’s first woman doctor. Graduated first in her class in the 1840′s, Blackwell adopted an orphan and raised her as her own daughter. She later opened her own hospital run by an all-female staff.
  2. Rachel Lavein Fawcett – Rachel was the single mother of Alexander Hamilton, one of the founding fathers of America (if you didn’t already know).
  3. Coretta Scott King – After her husband, Martin Luther King, Jr., was assassinated, Coretta carried on her husband’s legacy and helped change the world.
  4. Dr. Leah Klungness – Leah is a single mother who is dedicated to helping other single parents around the world. She’s the author of the best-selling book “The Complete Single Mother.

  No reason you can't end up on this list. You know you're doing the right thing for your child. 

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• jlawson23 member

  February 2016

  Thank you! I may not always be a single mother! The process is just hard, heartbreaking, and gut wrenching at times! 

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• CRooney89 member

  February 2016

  @jlawson23 We are in a very similar situation. If you ever need support or someone to vent to feel free to inbox me! You are doing what's best for your daughter and for yourself. Every time I think of how hard it is doing it alone, I think how much harder and frustrating would it be if I had to deal with taking care of a baby AND his father's bs! It's not what we planned for our lives but better things are coming

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• ahoneycutt12 member

  February 2016

  My SIL has a 2 year old and is dating a nice young man who adores her daughter (best guy she has ever dated) don't give up hope on love :-) you are doing what is best for your daughter so hold your head up high you are stronger than you know!

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• mel0601 member

  February 2016

  Girl, I know how you feel. Believe me! Except my ex never got the chance to have his say, the law decided for him. 
  The thing I struggle with the most is he wasn't addicted to meth when we met, we were on the right track,  and when we had our son in 2013 he took on a second night job to provide and someone there offered him some to make it through shift and that was where it began. I've only just recently learnt this! 
  This is not the father i wanted for my kids!!!! I can handle the break up and moving on but he is always going to be their dad. The criminal! That breaks my heart. 
  
  I hope your little ones dad makes the right choices, for her at the very least! 
  And if not, essentially that's his loss, you will find someone when the time is right. For now your her foundation and strength. Focus on being that. What is meant to be, will be! 
  
  Xoxoxo 

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