November 2015 Moms

Putting your relationship with your partner on hold to raise kids

Hi -

We have two under one and on the good days it's still a tough gig.
I'm starting to feel like we may need to put our relationship on hold for a while and raise the kids we brought into the world and maybe start dating again when they get a bit older.

I know that many people say your spouse comes first but I can't bring myself to put anyone in front of my kids, they didn't choose to be here - so should we not give them the best we can, right now our relationship is struggling because we are tired and trying to balance both a relationship and parenting. I feel like maybe we are putting too much pressure on ourselves on what our relationship should be with two kids opposed to just letting it be for now and coming back to each other when our kids are a bit more grown.

A newborn and a toddler both need our undivided attention and it's nearly impossible to try and add a healthy relationship in that mix or am i crazy and need a different plan of us all surving?

Re: Putting your relationship with your partner on hold to raise kids

  • I'm very lonely in my relationship with SO. He's a good dad thankfully, but he's always been self absorbed and has always just kind of talked at me and then when i talk about anything he just plays his cellphone games or just gives me a one word reply and goes back to talking about whatever intrests him. I kind of just would rather live alone at this point honestly, but like i said... Hes a good dad and is attentive to the baby so i'm just kind of hanging in there. I feel like im just a piece of sentient furniture.
  • Loading the player...
  • I think a relationship changes with kids, but I don't think you should put it on hold.
    When you say your relationship is struggling, do you mean that you just don't have time to spend together or are other issues?
    If there are issues, I do think you need to work on them. Putting a relationship on hold sounds like you are ignoring the issues and that does not fix anything. Yourself and your partner have to be a team to parent and that means a healthy relationship.
    If the problem is just not having the time for each other, maybe you need to look for things you can do together in the time you do have. Our toddler goes to bed at 8, so from 8 to until we go to bed is my H and I time together. There are usually other things to get done and the baby to take care of still, buy we try to find some point in that time to sit down together even if it is only for a few minutes. I do put some chores on hold until the next day so we can have some time together.
    I also make a point to hug my H every day, I find taking that one minutes to hug does make us feel closer together.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • @GoogleMD couldn't have said it better.

    I firmly believe that the best thing a parent can do for their kids is to love their kids' other parent. Your kids have a dad and you are still married to him, so I would like to encourage you to fight for that relationship with him. Nothing makes a kid happier than to know his mommy and daddy love each other, and getting your relationship into a good place will make mommy and daddy happy, too!

    Perhaps you and your partner could talk about a few things that you both consider most important for a healthy relationship and try to think of ways to make time for those things or alternate ways of accomplishing those things to what you have been used to.
  • I agree with PP, though I should preface I'm a first time mom so all of this is new for us. Our relationship has changed since having lo, but I see it as just adapting to adding parenting as a role, not changing in some fundamental way. I don't think you should put your relationship "on hold" but address the issues you have, expecting it may take longer/be harder to work through since your time is so divided with your young children. I completely agree with @DrGoogle that being a parent is ONE thing you do, not the ONLY thing you do, and having other interests and relationships does not undermine your parenting or how much you love your children.
  • I'm with you @mummabearoftwo I wish I could put my relationship on hold. I get minimal help from my husband and he's so loud when he's home I almost wish I lived alone because he disturbs the baby. I don't need someone just sitting on their phone or tablet while I run around like a crazy person trying to figure out how I'm going to feed my underweight baby that is refusing formula. It really hit me how selfish he is when we had an appointment yesterday with LO's pediatrician and DH alarm was set for the same amount of time beforehand as it would be without a baby.

    Sorry to ramble on about myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone and while I don't think a break until the kids are older is healthy a shorter break may be, if the intention is to save your relationship and that that intention is clear to your spouse.
  • I think there's definitely a different strokes for different folks aspect here. However, to me it doesn't seem all that healthy to put a romantic relationship with your partner on pause in order to raise the children. Honestly, for me the little bits of affection my husband and I are able to exchange helps take my stress away. Things may get busy and hectic between our son and our crazy dogs and it's easy to get lost in that. But my husband and I make sure to keep our relationship an aspect of our lives. Always making sure to get a goodbye kids and I love yous in before he leaves for work in the morning and on his way back to work if he comes home for lunch. Snuggles once we get into bed and sometimes some adult activities too, if our son is solidly asleep. For me I don't think I could handle it as well if I was strictly only a mommy. I need to have that wife and lover role as well for my own sanity. And now he's gone for a month or so, and being just a mommy for this time kinda stresses me out. But that's just me, for some people the parenting roles may be enough for you to have a happy relationship with your partner.
  • Im all for bonding with your baby ( I just might be obsessed with mine) but you should really try and make even the tiniest bit of time for your husband or soon your relationship with your kids will be the only one you're in.

  • ::Lurking:: 

    Though I agree with GoogleMD, I know you'll make whatever decision you deem best.  Just remember, if you choose to put things on hold, you and your dh will continue to grow as people, but you won't be growing together.  Your relationship with your spouse is so important.  If you do this, someday your children will be grown and you'll look up and find yourself living with a stranger.  If you two only raise your kids, and not your relationship, what are you going to do when 20ish (or 5ish or 7ish) years from now the only thing that was holding you two together is gone?

    SPNG Tags Sam  Dean  Cas  Photoshop  WTF  Dancing  Funny  or disturbingLooking for a particular Supernatural reaction gif This blog organizes them so you dont have to spend hours hunting them down

    DS1 01/08/03 DD1 08/11/04 DD2 10/06/08 DS2 09/30/14

    SURPRISE!  Hannah May born 01/22/16

    AlternaTickers - Cool free Web tickers

  • My DD comes first...but even though my husband and I are struggling with our relationship, I still make time for us. I've talked to him about how he needs to step up as a parent more and he's been doing great so far. But if you can't juggle baby and husband then I believe you should put your relationship on hold. It will only add stress to your life if you continue to worry about him.
  • Great advice here! OP, I also have a (very high needs) toddler and a newborn. I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you're coming from. If I get 15 minutes each day where I'm not tending to a child, I'm going to use it to shower, have a cup of coffee, or catch up on email. I'm just now getting to the point where time with DH is a priority again. We are in survival mode, and it's hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes.

    One thing that helps me connect with DH, even when kids are around, are looking at old photos and emails from when we were first dating 10 years ago. It reminds us of when things were new and how far we've come. Just having a "moment" like that over the dinner table counts as connecting with your spouse!
    image
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"