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June 2016 Moms
agillespie15
member
Frustrated and ashamed about it
agillespie15
member
So, I have been praying for a baby for about 10-12 years.. I had a tubal done in 02 after my son was born and regretted it ever since. In August my husband and I decided to get a reversal done and we got pregnant in late sept/early October, and we are thrilled, as are my parents!!! I'm the kind of person who LOVES being the center of attention (I know, it's childish). Everyone is stoked about me having another baby, especially because we found out that we are having a girl!!!!!! We have 4 boys. Anyways, so on Christmas Day, I found out that two of my 3 sisters are also pregnant. I'm really upset because I feel like they did it on purpose and are just trying to "steal my thunder" with my parents. I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I can't help it!!! I can't be happy for them. I know that's so selfish. Everyone keeps telling me how cool it will b for my baby to have cousins her age, but I'm so mad. I wanted my baby to be the only baby for a while. Has anyone else felt like this????
Re: Frustrated and ashamed about it
Take a deep breath. Realize that 2 of your sisters being pregnant does not make your baby any less important, nor does your baby make theirs any less important.
Other people's success does not impede your own. There is no love in jealousy. Focus on the reasons you're excited to have a new baby in your life, and LET GO the drama.
I think this reaction is common, and comes fairly naturally, but it's a completely unnecessary aggravation. Don't let it pull you down during this wonderful time.
I'm excited my son will have someone to grow up with so close in age since no one else (that lives close to us) in our families are anywhere near ready to have a baby -- I assumed there'd be a gap in ages and that kind of bummed me out. I just figure, if she did do it on purpose, that's more a testament to her sanity and the kind of person she is than anything else. And let's say she did? That's not going to ruin my pregnancy. Your baby is not any less exciting for you and your family and will not be any less loved because your sisters are also having babies.
You are having another baby because, I assume, you really wanted another child. The attention is a nice perk, but it doesn't last nearly as long as the relationship you will have with your daughter. Focus on what the baby means to YOU, not what it means to everyone else in the extended family. She is still the most special and unique of the new babies to you, to your husband, and to her older siblings.
And it really will be awesome to have little cousins close in age growing up together and playing together at family functions over the years. You have a great opportunity to bond with your sisters over the pregnancy and baby experiences. If you live near each other, you'll also have a great built in play group.
First, when I announced my pregnancy, my MIL made a huge production about how glad she was that I finally did, because "her biggest fear" was one of DH's cousins (He's an only child.) announcing their pregnancy and stealing my thunder. It rubbed me the wrong way at the time because of all the "biggest fears" one could have about pregnancy, it seemed pretty ridiculous. Come to find out a few weeks later, one of his cousins IS expecting. She cried when she told us because my MIL had made her feel like she was taking something away from me. No one should have to feel like that when making such an announcement.
Second, my (only) sister is unable to have children. So while I know you mentioned that people have already told you this, please consider how lucky you are to get to have this shared experience with your sisters, and for your daughter to have and grow up with same-age cousins. Your family is truly blessed.
My aunt is in her mid-30's and had her twins in October.
When I announced to the family I thought she would be so happy for me because we have always been so close (we were both bridesmaids in each other's weddings). Her reaction however was less than thrilled. We were at my brother's 16th birthday party and she used this as her "Yay see my babies" party so it was the first time most of the family met her kids. I already planned on announcing because I wouldn't see my whole family again for a while. Her exact words when I told her were "wow, really Tee?" And I will never forget that. Instead of being thrilled that I was finally getting to be a mother and everyone knows how much I have wanted to be a mom she decided to be mad because her kids wouldn't be the only center of attention even though our kids will be 8-9 months apart! I in no way shape or form even considered her life (or my cousin and his wife who are expecting in March...by the way they are over the moon for us) when DH and I were planning our family.
I wanted to share this with you in hopes that maybe you will try and be happy for your sisters and use this time to have a closer relationship with them. Also please remember you don't know what struggles they may have encountered to get where they are. I know how much it hurt me to have someone so close to me be so hurtful...
Agree PP that it's brave to share how you're feeling. And I will agree with most PPs that a change of perspective is definitely in order here.
You mention you've had four boys already. To me, just knowing that you're having a girl this time would be excitement enough. I would say that if you really took the time to think about how lucky you are that a) your tubal reversal worked - and so quickly and b) you're having a girl after having four boys - you'd truly realize that the 'stealing of thunder' issue isn't actually an issue at all. :-)
And, like pp's have also mentioned - I would focus on the fact that your daughter is going to have cousins close to her in age and you have people that are pregnant right along with you. I hate being pregnant alone (IRL of course). I wish someone else would get pregnant with me
Hope you're able to move on from having to feel like this and instead focus on all the exciting times that are coming up!
Grow up. If this is your thought process, sit down and have a real conversation (with yourself or your spouse, not your sisters or other family) about why it is you feel this way. I know we all have thoughts that we can't control, but when they are unreasonable, it is on us to work through them and not let them affect our actions. You had a dream in your head, and you're disappointed it isn't reality. But you don't always get what you want. And your sisters (and future nieces/nephews) deserve to be celebrated too.
To give you a bit of perspective, when I was pregnant with my oldest DD, we went to my ILs house to announce, only to bump into my SIL on the way in. She was also there to announce a pregnancy, and not only that, we had the same exact EDD. Two months after that, my brother's wife got pregnant, and two months after that, my other SIL got pregnant. Now, when we have family functions, it is so fun to see a group of 5 & 6 year olds running around together. They have grown up very close, and absolutely adore each other, and going through the exact same things at the same time has brought me closer to my different SILs. This very well may turn out to be an amazing experience for all of you and your children, if you let it.
Ultimately, with the wedding thing....I decided I was going to "own" joy instead of "owning" the "best wedding in the family". What I mean is: I could either choose bitterness which just made me an ugly person and only made MYSELF sad/mad/upset... OR I could choose to "own" joy for THEIR sake by giving up my right (which wasn't even mine to begin with obviously!) to have the nicer wedding and truly being happy for them---thanking God for their beautiful, wonderfully styled California countryside wedding...and MEANING it.
This is what first came to mind when I read your post: I think it would be good therapy for you to read this about your baby. Then read it again about your sister's baby. Then again about your other sister's baby.
PSALM 139
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
P.S. Another bonus thought: I have 2 brothers, my husband has 3 brothers. I have 2 sons and a third on the way. I LOVE being the only girl around these parts...but you know, it gets lonely not having someone be able to relate to girly-things like periods and pregnancy and birthing, etc. If I were you, I would be praising God on your daughter's behalf that she will likely have a female cousin to relate to and enjoy that is her age--how awesome and fun is that!? **at least we can hope!**
Got pregnant on purpose to steal your thunder? Give me a break.
Having said that, they both ended up with girls, and I would hope my mom is also happy because I got to grow up with a girl cousin my own age... and we're still close.
I understand that you feel jealous, but this is a wonderful thing in the long run, (that two of your sisters are pregnant too,) and I think that deep down, you know this.
I think it's good to have a moment to pity
yourself... but move on before long. I am in my mid-thirties, but have secretly thrown myself many "pity parties," and some of them have been all too recent. As long as you move on now, there is really no harm done.
Also, as a side note, I am amazed at your blessings, being able to conceive so soon after your reversal, and also having a baby girl. Focus on those things. You feel bad now, but how much worse would you feel if your sisters announced their pregnancies in December, and you were still trying to conceive again, with no certainty that it would ever happen?
You say you've been praying for a baby for 10-12 years, yet your TL reversal was this August. Which would mean you got pregnant almost immediately. Is that correct?
Do you know how long your sisters were trying? Were either of them dealing with loss or infertility? Have you asked them?
I understand jealousy and sibling rivalry but I think to assume they signed up for 9 months of pregnancy and 18 years of parenting just to "steal your thunder" is a little ridiculous.
Baby #2 Due 3/7/20
So I do acknowledge your feelings, and think its great you recognize your having a childish response. Babies are exciting! Your sisters having babies is not going to make your daughter any less special. I know its been said already in this post but your daughter will love having cousins to play with and grow with.
But I honestly have not felt like the constant center of attention throughout my pregnancy. I mean, people make a point of asking how I'm doing or how I'm feeling when they see me, but everyone else has their own lives too and I'm not the center of the universe just because I'm pregnant. I highly doubt your sisters would plan their pregnancies just to spite you and you kind of just need to get over it. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean for it to, but I think down the road when the initial excitement dies down you'll be happy that a bunch of cousins are close in age.
The fact that you admit that you're ashamed of your feelings make me believe that you know it's irrational to think they did it just to steal your thunder. It's completely ridiculous. Please never mention it to them.
I wasn't really jealous when they announced, but I had no idea I would feel so emotional about their daughter until she was born. So your feelings may change when you meet your nieces and/or nephews.