Not telling anyone you're in labor

H0neyC0mb · December 2015

Has anyone not told anyone (imitate family, friends, etc) that you're in labor?

My family lives states away and most of H's family stresses me out. So I'd kind of just not want to deal with them (in the form of texting, calling or anything else). We've also decided we want it to just be us and little one for at least a few days after she's born. Which mil will not respect and we both know this. We'd be telling everyone our plans ahead of time.

Has anyone else done this? Were there hurt feelings? Also we're doing a hime birth so no hospital staff to ward unwanted visitors off.

Brittk88 · December 2015

My cousin in law plans to not tell my aunt, who is a 4 hour plane ride away, when she gives birth to her child. Honestly, my aunt is beyond hurt by this. It's a very personal decision, but I can absolutely say that it may cause a lot of hurt feelings from the grandparents.

RMLandy · December 2015

I think if your family members aren't capable of respecting your wishes, you have to do what you have to do and they can get over their hurt feelings. With my first, I had a "false alarm" and thought I was in labor in the middle of the night. We called my parents but told them NOT to come until we got admitted to the hospital and confirmed in labor. They came anyway and it still makes me mad when I think about it. This time, we won't be letting anyone know until baby arrives and they can just deal with it since they've shown they won't be respectful of my wishes/boundaries.

tripledaggerWed95976 · December 2015

I can understand the inclination to do that- however, I truly feel it might be better to just straight up tell your family/your husbands family what your wishes are. You have that right and they should respect that. If they don't respect that it's their problem but at least your side of the street is clean. HOWEVER it does make the situation tricky that you are having a home birth because they could very easily show up if they wanted to-- so without knowing you/your husband it's hard to say what the right thing is. I can say for sure though that yes, there will be hurt feelings no matter what you do. People will move on and get over it though, whatever you decide

TheThornBird · December 2015

After talking with a midwife, we decided not to tell anyone until after the baby is born. She said that often family shows up anyway when asked not to, and just knowing that they are out in the waiting room can stress you out. Or they call/text nonstop.

My family are pretty cool and wouldn't show up, call incessantly, or give me a hard time (except maybe my sis), but my MIL seemed upset when we told her it was only going to be me and DH at the birth. So to be fair we decided we aren't going to tell anyone.

What will be really fun is telling everyone we don't want visitors for a week or two, and that my family will get to come visit first since it's the first baby on my side of the family (my
in laws already have grandchildren). I know feelings will be hurt, and I empathize with that, but ultimately my DH and I need to do what is best for us.

mello13 · December 2015

We told people with our first pregnancy that it would just be the two of us in the delivery room, and that we would notify everyone when the little guy was here and they could visit. They pretended to respect our wishes, until I went into labor preterm. Then MIL notified all of DH's siblings and their spouses, camped out in the waiting room, called our room so many times that we had to tell the operator we would no longer take any calls, etc. I had serious complications, nearly died twice, and when DH was finally permitted to leave the room for 5 minutes to talk to the crowd in the waiting room MIL threw a fit that she hadn't been kept informed and allowed to see her grandchild (never mind that I hadn't held him myself yet and almost didn't survive). Visiting hours were long since over so he told everyone to go home and he'd let them know when they could visit the next day. Sadly, she ignored his calls and refused to come see either of us the next day. Needless to say, I'm still bitter about it and the only person who will know anything this time around is the friend that will be watching our toddler. I think it is WELL WITHIN reason for you to keep it to yourselves, especially given the home birth. If other people can't realize that it isn't about them that is their problem, not yours.

tripledaggerWed95976 · December 2015

@mello13 holy crap, that is insane! That is so unfair and unreasonable of your MIL to do that! I'm sorry that happened to you

babykasper · December 2015

My hubby and I have already told everyone (family on both sides) that we don't want any visitors in the hospital or at home for a few weeks and we will let them know when it's safe to visit. So they are already sort of prepared! But our actual plan is to NOT tell anyone we are in labor to avoid this very thing... We want privacy and intimate time with just he and I and our new baby. The Only thing that might change this... Is if some major complications come about and we want prayer. Then we might start reaching out to family for prayer.

gamommyx3 · December 2015

tripledaggerWed95976 said:

@mello13 holy crap, that is insane! That is so unfair and unreasonable of your MIL to do that! I'm sorry that happened to you

^^this.

mello13 · December 2015

@tripledaggerWed95976 I was in shock honestly. The woman had 3 children, and is lovely overall. I never could have guessed she'd behave like that. But it certainly has made me more cautious!

AdorkablePixie · December 2015

We will inform my mom and DHs mom because I want them in the room with us. I will also probably tell my best friend,I'm also want her there but she has two small kids so I'm not sure she'd be able to make it. Plus, she is a teacher so that's a problem. But both times she was in labor I knew about it immediately and she text me from the hospital constantly giving me updates. She's more like my sister than a friend.

lalala2004 · December 2015

I have been mulling this question over, and I'm leaning towards not telling people. Part of this comes from my SIL's experience. They told us when she was in labor with her first, and we all came up to the hospital to wait. I think it stressed her out (I dont think she expected it to) and her labor stalled, then stopped, and she went back home! For her second baby, they gave us a specific time they would be ready to receive visitors (I think they didn't call is until after my niece was born). I'm leaning towards that route.

Bluejay3030 · December 2015

Well, my Inlaws will be in town (if everything goes as planned) to watch DD, so they'll know... But since they've got DD in tow they're not going to ambush us in the hospital haha. I'll let my mom and sister know once we've settled into the hospital because they're 4 hours away and will need to leave work/coordinate their schedules to come see the baby. I'll also tell my BFF because, well, that's what we do. She's not local either and probably won't be able to come visit right away anyway. No plans to tell anyone else until after baby is born.

lionstigersbears · December 2015

I didn't tell anyone and they were fine with it! There came a time in labor where I forgot what a cell phone was (like an hour later I said to DH wait....my phone...). It's such a personal thing and anyone who can't respect that needs to be kept in the dark in my opinion.

Unicorn522 · December 2015

We didn't tell anyone initially. My labor was so stinking long though that they ended up finding out I was in labor by the end. Everyone respected our wishes though and waited to visit until the next day. This time around we will probably do the same thing except that my mom will know since she's watching DS. I just don't want to be getting constant text messages from people expecting updates.

khochanadel · December 2015

Both of our families are so far away and both sets of parents seem so nonplussed about everything it will definitely be a "we'll call you when we land" situation instead of constant updates. Neither of our moms are the kind of people you'd want in a delivery room, that's for sure! Such a foreign concept to me coming from those of you who wouldn't dream of excluding mom from delivery room. I hope I am that mom to my baby girls though!

mommar13 · December 2015

I think the only one who will know is my dad since he's watching DS. He knows how I feel about all the drama and he'll keep his mouth shut. When I was in labor with DS everyone came and camped out in the waiting room/delivery room (I was way too nice). My grandmother just kept looking at me and saying "you're having a contraction now aren't you? You look like you're in pain. I can see it on your face." Um, yeah, I promise you don't have to keep pointing it out. Then my MIL and SIL just kept telling me how much worse it would get and how I really needed to get an epidural, because my SIL got an epi before she was induced and she never even felt a contraction during the whole thing. I ended up getting to about 6 centimeters and loosing my shit on the whole room, DH included. I kicked everyone out except for DH after that. I had everyone mad at me too. Lesson learned.

Pascal86 · December 2015

I think not telling people is nice to do for everyone involved - my good friend had her daughter about a month ago, and when they went to the hospital they let us know so we could go pick up their dog that we had agreed to watch. I was so anxious to find out how things were going the entire time!!! I restrained myself from bugging them, and just texted pictures of their dog to her husband twice a day with the hopes that I would get a response like, "Thanks for the dog pictures, here's our status!" But instead they had forgotten their phone charger and didn't respond at all until two days later when they had just gotten home. Texting me updates definitely should NOT have been a priority for them, but it makes anyone excited/anxious when all this is going on!

My plan is to just tell my parents - since I want my mom just to be on call while I'm on labor, so I can decide in the moment whether I need anything or want her there (this was actually her idea). But for everyone's sake, I think keeping it quiet until after the birth is less stressful for everyone!

Soontobejones33 · December 2015

My sister, who will is likely going to be taking me to the hospital if I go during a work day as my husband works out of town often, will be in the room. And possibly a long time friend, since she is likely to be the only truly calm one and the husband of course. My other fam I know is going to pretty chill about coming to see the baby. It's the eighth grandchild for my family. No need for the boundary there. His side this will be number one ( or two if the BIL girlfriend goes first), so I have no idea what will happen. MIL lives about an hour from hospital so I'm sure she'll take her time. Def not looking for her to be in the delivery room. Guess I will communicate that at some point. I don't mind the waiting room as I won't be thinking past what I can see I'm sure and getting the baby out healthy.

For those checking in there will be enough people there that no one needs to contact me or husband, so that will be a good reason to have extras. I have absolutely no problem saying get out if necessary or getting my sister to do it.

Pregghers · December 2015

I'm only planning on telling which ever friend is available to care for our dogs that week. I honestly do not want visitors until we are home from the hospital. (Assuming we have just a normal short hospital stay.)
All bets are off if baby comes really early.

cgg0707 · December 2015

For my first child, I only wanted my sister and my husband in the delivery room. Since I was being induced I knew it was going to be a long day, so I told my mom that I would call her closer to delivery so she didn't have to wait around and she threw a fit ughh! It was so aggravating because she ended up showing up and had a bad attitude most of the day. She doesn't speak good English and my husband only speaks English so she felt pretty left out of conversations between my husband and sister and well I was in too much pain to really care about what was going on. Eventually she ended up leaving and wasn't even there for the actual delivery. I just found out that supposedly I told her to leave (which of course I don't recall doing). It stills annoys me that she did that and made it into such a big deal. My inlaws respected my wishes and only showed up after baby was borned and call them to tell them it was ok to come by. This time around I asked my mom to watch my son. I feel like I'm killing two birds in one shot. First, she's really happy that I thought about her and second, since she has to watch my son, she is not going to be there and will come over once the baby is born with my son so they both can meet the baby! I love my mother and we get along great but her attitude can be overbearing specially in situations where you want to be stress free.

joslinbaby · December 2015

I really really dont want to tell anyone either.

My family, ALL of my family would show up, crying, praying and be excited. I love them but they stress me out on a good day and I don't want to be trying to deal with all that. I want a nice "relaxing" (lol) delivery with just my husband and I. I would like just my mom and dad there, but that wouldn't happen, or be fair to everyone else.

The husbands family on the other hand would be so judgmental, and nonchalant about the situation it would just hurt my feelings, just like it does every time we see them...

My parents won't be happy, but unless I cane at the last minute, my plan is to stick with my guns on not calling them until the very last minute, or right after our baby boy makes his arrival... Good luck to us all!!

hellogoodbye2 · December 2015

You do what you want! Don't feel like you have to do this a certain way. If someone gets upset, well that's their problem.

saltedcaramel518 · January 2016

My mom didn't tell anyone when she was in labor with me. She called everyone after I was born. I don't have the same plan (however, I don't want anyone besides DH in the delivery room), but my mom said she was glad she didn't tell anyone.

pbandjyummies · January 2016

I'm planning to have just DH and my doula in the delivery room. I will not be calling anyone until baby is born. I have yet to tell my family about my wishes so I hope no one gets offended by that... I guess we shall see.

katxattack1212 · January 2016

For a different senario...with my first (a scheduled csection) I was told I'd be in recovery for up to 12 hours, and there was no visitors except my DH. With that in mind I sent out an email to close family. I said we'd let them know when I was out of recovery and in a normal room for visitors. I also mentioned we didn't want pop in visitors once we were home... please call and schedule visits. Of course this was all misread. My MIL somehow thought I was saying no one could visit at the hospital or our home until we said so. Oh, memories. .. lol.

nbgmom · January 2016

We told my parents and his parents. My mom was in the delivery room with us and my dad was keeping our older daughter, and DH's family is across the country. The majority of everyone else didn't find out until we were discharged. With our first, we ended up with 15 people in a tiny post partum room while I was trying to learn how to breastfeed. It was not ideal.

emilyj77 · January 2016

We had a planned c-section with DD, so we only told parents and siblings the date. I (unreasonably) felt a stigma about c-sections since I had planned an all natural birth until we found out DD was breech, so I didn't want others to know until she was born. I also had to tell all of them that they were not allowed at the hospital until we called them. MIL thought she could just be in the waiting room, and I told her no. That I didn't need to worry about her being there waiting for us to be ready. When we were ready, which wasn't until 3 hours after delivery, we called everyone. We were just so caught up in everything that happens post c-section we really had no idea how much time had passed. What I was hoping to avoid was everyone worrying, which backfired on me since they all knew what time our surgery was scheduled for and when we didn't call, they started to worry. Lesson learned. I have no idea what we'll do this time around. Probably the same thing if we can, although someone will have to know to take care of DD. It'll probably be MIL, and I'll have to once again remind her not to come to the hospital until we call.

Lusitano8 · January 2016

I feel really relieved reading this post. Thanks everyone for sharing! I thought I might be callous for not wanting anyone to visit right away. I'm a very private person and think that after birth I want it just to be DH so we can bond with baby. The idea of people camped out in the waiting room stresses me out.

I'm still trying to convince DH because his parents want to come to the hospital as soon as I go into labor.
I think I'm going to say we will call after the baby is born and we are ready to have visitors. This could be 2 hours after or the next day. I think I'll play it by ear on how I'm feeling. The only one I want there is my mom because if I have a hard labor she would make me feel better but I don't want the inlaws to feel bad if they don't get to see baby as soon as she.

Dantzscher32 · January 2016

I'm a private person to begin with, but we didn't tell anyone until the baby was born. With my second, I had to call my parents so that my mom could come over and be with my 12 month-old son while we went to the hospital. We checked-in at midnight, so I also didn't feel the urge to wake people up by telling them we were on our way to the hospital. It will probably be the same scenario with this little one's birth. His arrival will be announced and when people ask when they can come visit, I will make the call on how I feel at the time.

emma+karen · January 2016

I'd really rather not tell my in-laws until after the baby is born, but I'm sure my wife will be adamant about telling them earlier. They are about a 2 hour drive away. My plan, if all works out, is for my mom to come ahead of time to be able to stay with us before the baby is born and watch DS when we go to the hospital. My wife wants her dad to come, but as I've mentioned before, he is awkward and kind of useless when it comes to being actively helpful. So, ideal situation is that my mom will be with us ahead of time, we will head to the hospital, and let my ILs know I'm in labor but tell them not to come down until we let them know the baby has arrived and that we are ready for them. We'll see how it all goes down. I was super spoiled with my first, having him when we lived across the country and the ILs had to plan to visit a month or so after the birth.

mfraser057 · January 2016

I think its totally reasonable to want that. Doesn't mean people wont be upset though. I only want MIL, my mom and dad, and DH's brother/wife. Oh and my best friend. Those are who I can count on to keep us calm and not stress me out. Everyone else can find out once we know baby is ok and I've had some rest!

DisneyIsabelle · January 2016

I really don't like a lot of chaos and DH's family is huge. I just feel like I would be stressed out to have people there waiting or him constantly texting and updating people. I plan to tell people afterwards, but I also don't think I will want visitors right away(with the exception of my mom, and I was thinking hmm maybe that's unfair to DH's family but you know what I'm the one that will be pushing the baby out and my family respects boundaries quite a lot more, so I've decided it's up to me and I'm not going to feel guilty about that decision). It will be DH's task to tell people that they cannot visit until a certain time. I also don't want to be bombarded with visitors at home, as I know people will be excited but I will want time while DH is still off work for us to rest, spend time bonding with baby, etc. So, I think we will just set some visiting hours. In laws are not good about dropping in unannounced, as in they do it..

gingerbride26 · January 2016

I would really like to do this - I've been trying to convince DH this is a good idea, but he's not agreeing. My parents won't be making hour drive - not even sure they'll come visit in the first few weeks. My in-laws would be that family camped out in the waiting room for hours. Although I've talked to MIL in the past about how no one will be in the actual room during except me and DH, and she seemed to understand, since the stick actually turned pink she's turned into a grandmazilla. I went a little nuts the other night and told DH I'd tell the nurses and doctors MIL was not allowed in the room if I had to. After delivery I would like a little time just the 3 of us before everyone else butts in (and based off of some snooping on the December boards that can also be a problem with difficult grandparents). I have this clear mental picture of the whole crazy bunch passing the baby around and not getting a chance to hold my own newborn or rest for hours.

DisneyIsabelle · January 2016

@gingerbride26 That's totally understandable and exactly how I'm feeling. Although, my husband has no problem telling anyone especially his family very firmly they can't do something (now if he'd just tell them not to come to our house unannounced that'd be great haha)

I would definitely try to get your DH on board by explaining you will be the one physically going through this, and he may be exhausted by the end of delivery right along with you. It's your time to be selfish and get what's best for you and baby. He needs to be a buffer and tell his family that you need rest and you'll let everyone know when they can visit. I say really push for your time and privacy if it's important to you and get DH to be supportive. You don't need any extra anxiety surrounding that time!

LovingLife! · January 2016

DH & I made our wishes very clear with DD2. I was trying for a VBAC so I didn't want anyone there except DH. I just wanted to labor, not worry about people waiting around, have people blowing up our phones, and have DD1 watched at home by my mom. MIL got super miffed and said, "Call us when you're in labor!" after we told her our plan. I said, "We will call you when you have a new granddaughter." She waited until I was in the car and told DH to just call her anyway. Thank goodness he is a good man and stuck by my side! He didn't let any of his family know I was in labor and I was able to relax, not stress out, and have a successful VBAC!! MIL was so mad that she didn't come see the baby for 3 or 4 months. Fine by me, but I could tell DH was hurt by it. Can't understand people that make your labor all about them! Do what is best for your little family and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. You will be so glad you did! Good luck

DisneyIsabelle · January 2016

LovingLife! said:

DH & I made our wishes very clear with DD2. I was trying for a VBAC so I didn't want anyone there except DH. I just wanted to labor, not worry about people waiting around, have people blowing up our phones, and have DD1 watched at home by my mom. MIL got super miffed and said, "Call us when you're in labor!" after we told her our plan. I said, "We will call you when you have a new granddaughter." She waited until I was in the car and told DH to just call her anyway. Thank goodness he is a good man and stuck by my side! He didn't let any of his family know I was in labor and I was able to relax, not stress out, and have a successful VBAC!! MIL was so mad that she didn't come see the baby for 3 or 4 months. Fine by me, but I could tell DH was hurt by it. Can't understand people that make your labor all about them! Do what is best for your little family and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. You will be so glad you did! Good luck

Glad it worked well for you. I totally think this is especially one area where the partner must just get on board with what their wife wants and deal with it. How silly of your MIL, such a life changing magical time and she couldn't get over her own ego issues to enjoy it!

LovingLife! · January 2016

nbgmom said:

With our first, we ended up with 15 people in a tiny post partum room while I was trying to learn how to breastfeed. It was not ideal.

That sounds miserable!! Good plan this time around

LovingLife! · January 2016

DisneyIsabelle said:
Glad it worked well for you. I totally think this is especially one area where the partner must just get on board with what their wife wants and deal with it. How silly of your MIL, such a life changing magical time and she couldn't get over her own ego issues to enjoy it!

Thank you! I agree, if we are the ones going through the pain and birth, the least everyone can do is respect our wishes. I'm shocked that so many women (who gave birth in the past) are so awful when it comes to their daughter & daughter-in-law's wishes!!

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