Anyone else constantly get the baby questions?

Tulips29 · January 2016

I used to be ok with people asking "so when are you two having kids already?", but now I can't handle them anymore. Before my HD and I started TTC and realized we were having more difficulties than we thought we would have, I would laugh these questions off. Now that we've been married for 2 years, people don't seem to get off our case. I have 2 women I work with that are constantly asking me when I'm planning to have kids. One just asks me every day if I'm already pregnant and the other just straight out asks if we're even trying. I find that extremely inappropriate to begin with, but also it hurts so much every time someone asks. I don't want to be rude to them and tell them to back off so I answer with something like "when God decides it's our time" or "we'll have babies when the time is right." Anyone else in this boat? The only person who knows our situation with infertility is my mom because she struggled with it before having me and can relate to what I'm doing through. Sometimes when people ask, I want to break down and cry thinking about what I have to go through in order to conceive and it's not as easy as everyone thinks. Wondering how others are dealing with this.

TWWAB · January 2016

I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. In addition, everyone around me is popping up pregnant so of course I get the "when are you having one" question even more. All I say is soon. It is becoming increasingly more difficult to be nice or calm when answering considering the measures and amount of stress I'm under just trying to conceive.

Tulips29 · January 2016

@TWWAB exactly. A lot of my friends are having babies as well and being around them gets difficult when all they talk about is baby stuff. I'm thrilled for them but at the same time they don't talk about anything else these days. I get it, but it's hard not to get emotional and not think about your own struggles.

oxinfree · January 2016

@Tulips29 - unfortunately sometimes subtlety is lost on people. It's really sad. I think more and more people are opening up about the subject, so awareness and sensitivity to the topic is increasing, but still, unless you've walked in our shoes its hard to understand how hurtful a seemingly innocent question can be. I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Big hugs to you.

suchaglencoco · January 2016

@tulips29, I found it was better in the end to tell close friends and family about our struggles. Not only did it stop the questions and the overly talking about babies to us, it also gave us way more support and prayers being sent our way. It also helped me reconnect with DH's sister (we hadn't talked in years) because she was struggling with miscarriages.
When it came to coworkers, I was also open when I was working during our iuis and first ivf cycle. This stopped the questions from being "when are you having kids" to "how are you doing? Where are you in the process?" And I was perfectly fine explaining it and make it less taboo. Everyone we spoke with candidly about our struggles knew next to nothing about how daunting and extensive the processes and I was happy to educate them.
I understand how difficult that can be for others, to open up to coworkers, especially in larger companies where you don't necessarily want everyone to know. For me, it was just easier to explain it all than it was to hold back my hurt and anger about their nosey questions.
That's my only suggestion other than going super rude and asking about when they decided to have kids, how long it took them, what positions they used, etc.

Brattgirl · January 2016

My friends and family all know about my infertility so the questions had for the most part died down. But then I got a new job, and even 6 months later I am still meeting new people, so I'm always faced with "Do you have any kids?" ...which I answer with no. But having just had my first failed IVF, even that question hurts to be asked. The ladies I work closely with know that I was going through the IVF, but there is one lady that asks too many questions and it's like every single day. I'm like, I have nothing new to tell you. Leave me alone. (Of course, I don't say that out loud). However, before I had my diagnosis, when I was married, my husband and I faced this question constantly from family and friends and it was enough to drive me nuts. I know how you feel. We just have to remind ourselves that most people just don't understand and can't unless they've been through it.

KidShrink · January 2016

*bfp mentionned*
Totally agree with @suchaglencoco here. We had people asking about babies the day we got engaged (that was 5 years ago on NYE). I was finishing grad school and we weren't ready. We then started TTC in August 2013, and it was going nowhere fast. And people kept asking. So when we started seeing a fertility specialist, I said it outright to close friends and family. They understood nothing of what we were going through (the repeated/too frequent appointments, the bruises from the bloodwork and injections, the emotional bruises, etc). So I took this as an opportunity to educate people, because when they're not so ignorant, they don't tend to ask as many stupid questions. From the Spring 2015 (when we seriously started treatments, followed by surgery, followed by more treatments), I spoke openly about things on FB (more general information about the experience of infertility than the details of my day to day treatments. Many people thanked me for sharing so openly and admitted to crying reading one of the posts (it's in French, I'd otherwise post it here). We finally got pregnant after exactly 2 years TTC in August, and announced it in early October. At that point, we felt ready to announce it even though we were still scared something would go wrong. But the reactions we got from people who knew how much we struggled were just out of this world. I still tear up looking at those comments, and feel so lucky that one day we'll be able to show our son how excited everyone was and how much he was loved from day 1. We visited family over the holidays, and I'm now 22 weeks along. People asked some questions, and I probably gave them more info then they wanted to get. But again, they went to bed that night a little less ignorant and probably a little more sensitive then they did the night before. Infertility sucks, but remember, none of this is your fault, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Big hugs to all of you ladies, and I have my FX that it all works out for you soon.

Tulips29 · January 2016

@oxinfree thank you!

@suchaglencoco @Brattgirl @KidShrink I think it's so brave of you ladies to be so honest. I'm a very private person and it's hard for me to be so open with so many people. I think it will be easier for me to be open about my struggles when we hopefully get pregnant and then I can educate people about what I went through. I just hope that day comes at all!

@KidShrink Congratulations to you! So happy to hear this process works. It honestly makes me much more hopeful. May I ask what procedures and surgery you went through before finally conceiving? My RE can't understand why the iui's I had so far haven't worked for me as everything on paper (except my PCOS) looks great. He said I may want to consider laporoscopy to rule out tube damage, but it scares me to even think about surgery. Did you do IUI or IVF?

Wicked4589 · January 2016

Close friends knew we were TTC and having problems. When others would ask I always said that we were enjoying being just the two of us and no need to rush kids. It shut most people up even if it was a lie. One guy kept at it with me and eventually I told him that we had been trying for years and we were having problems because of previous miscarriages and surgeries. He stuttered and tripped over his words. But he never asked me again. It was rude on my part but he was rude first and I couldn't handle it anymore.

KidShrink · January 2016

@Tulips29 : honestly, talking about it openly just took a weight off my shoulders as the questions and pressure were unbearable (we say my FIL as Mickey Mouse on speed dial, he's had a Disney trip planned for his hypothetical grandkids for the longest time and kept on talking about how he wouldn't be around forever...so a few gruesome surgery details later, he shut up real good

I was initially 'unexplained' but with possible slight t-shape uterus (found on 3D ultrasound, and associated with a thin lining) and possible endometriosis (some odd symptoms, but nothing obvious as I had very light periods due to the thin lining). We did 3 cycles of Letrozole and TI which didn't work despite a great response in terms of number of follies. So my RE's plan was to do a hysteroscopy after that to check the shape of my uterus and fix it if needed and do a transvaginal endoscopy to see if a laparoscopy was needed for endometriosis. Turns out he corrected the shape of my uterus (and believe me, it fixed my thin lining issues as evidenced by the next period I got!) and then realized that I had massive endo. So what was supposed to be a 20-40 min surgery turned into 2 1/2 hours as I had endo just about everywhere, including all over my liver and into my diaphragm. My right ovary was twisted and stuck in adhesions, which meant any ovulation on that side led to nothing (there was no way for the egg to make it to the uterus). An MRI performed after the surgery (because I had some adhesions in the wall of my bladder which could not be completely removed without a bladder reconstruction) showed I still have a few lesions and have an endometrioma inside my left ovary. So even though I'm pregnant now, we're not completely out of the woods fertility-wise and may need help again for baby #2, especially if we wait too long.

There's definitely hope out there. Just check the success rates of your RE and how they get there. Mine doesn't believe so much in 'unexplained infertility' and so he does whatever needs to be done to find issues and fix them, therefore reducing the need for more extensive procedures. He had initially said we could try naturally for a bit after the surgery, but given that we wanted to be more aggressive with treatments and how bad my endo was (i.e. I only had about 6 months to get pregnant before he'd have to reoperate), we did a combo of letrozole and follistim with an IUI, and we were lucky enough that it worked the first time. But that would have never happened had I not gotten the surgery. I'd highly recommend doing it if that's what he's recommending. You never know what he'll find and might be able to fix.

suchaglencoco · January 2016

***m/c, bfp mentioned***

@KidShrink is absolutely right! It is nothing to be ashamed of and if this is your fault! And I'm so glad people were so thrilled when you finally announced! It's such a beautiful thing when people realize how hard of a road you took to extend your family. Our friends and family were the same way and it was so great to be able to finally tell them good news and not just educate them.

@Wicked4589, good for you!!!!
I don't think you were rude at all in finally educating him. DH's best friend was drunk at a wedding and was following me around, telling me to give his friend kids and I unleashed on him that we were struggling and that I could educate him more but at that time, I needed to go inject myself with drugs to try and conceive, then stormed off. Sometimes, you just get pushed too far and you have every right to semi snap, especially at men who will never understand fully.

@tulips29, I know you asked this to kidshrink, but I want to answer it as well so you know that you're not alone in your long struggles and that there are happy endings. We conceived once naturally that ended in a miscarriage around 8 weeks. We then did clomid for a year with our ob (yes, 6 months too long according to our re) with no luck. Then we went to our re and got diagnosed with unexplained infertility and did 2 iuis that failed. We then moved on to an ivf fresh cycle, transferred 2, one took and split and we sadly had a miscarriage at around 7 weeks. After that, we anxiously awaited aunt Flo so we could start again. During that time, we requested to have additional blood tests run on me and we discovered I have a mthfr blood mutation. I looked up the symptoms and what it can cause your body to do and had over 50% of the issues listed- chronic fatigue, ibs, miscarriages and a few others. The specialists are split 50/50 on whether or not this can cause infertility and can cause miscarriages. Our re said she would rather be safe than sorry and started me on folic acid and baby aspirin. I immediately saw a difference in my other issues.
We then started the frozen cycle and discovered I had polyps as well as remnants from my recent miscarriage so I had surgery mid cycle to clear my uterus. We finally were able to do the frozen transfer, transferred 2 embryos and both took. We were excited yet apprehensive. Early on in the pregnancy we had two large and dramatic bleeds that were subchorionic hematomas (common in fertility patients). I was closely monitored and finally, they went away. We had a few more random scares throughout the pregnancy and we are now proud parents of 1 month olds.
I don't know if the mthfr diagnosis and protocol that followed had helped keep my babies safe or if it was the freshly cleaned uterus, but it is all so worth it.

You are so much stronger than you think you are! If you need surgery, it'll be just another blip on your success story.

Tulips29 · January 2016

@suchaglencoco your story made my tear up, in a good way, so thank you for sharing. I was moved reading your story and so happy for your happy ending! Congratulations on your bundles of joy!

@KidShrink thank you for sharing as well. I hope to be able to share my story one day as well and give hope to someone else.

Just wanted to share another frustration to add to my original post. Last night I was at a family dinner and my aunt of course started straight out badgering me when we're having kids. She went on and on how we need to hurry up already since no one is getting any younger. I got so pissed off at her that I just straight out told her that DH and I decided we don't want any kids and to back off. Wrong move! She was horrified. She couldn't stop blabbing how we need to reconsider and how can I even say something like that and that kids are the biggest blessing. My poor husband had to politely tell her to stop questioning me and changed the subject. UGH!

suchaglencoco · January 2016

@tulips29, I'm sorry your aunt did that to you. We had a few people (though not as rude as that) try to "pressure" us to have kids. Eventually, I got fed up and started telling them we were actively trying and going through fertility treatments. I realized one day our struggles weren't something to be embarrassed about and that fertility issues are still too taboo for my liking. It really helped me mentally to tell people and it helped get people to back off, while it also educated them.
Although we aren't completely public with our struggles (it's not Facebook official is how I like to describe it), all of our friends and family are fully aware of how much we yearned to have our babies. It was such a weight lifted to finally be open about it all.

mskeenan · January 2016

I think that's awesome @KidShrink that you were and are so open with people .

Lately I've been more open with people and I will say it has made me feel better . One day I got super pissed off after someone asked me if I was pregnant at a wedding that I posted an infertility article on Facebook . I didn't go right out and describe my issues but I think people got the hint . I even had one random acquaintance from my high school message me and tell me that she had gone through fertility treatment before having her son who is a few months old now . While I'm sad she had struggles , it made me feel not so alone and different .

I'm slowly but surely filling friends in . Some responses have been supportive others have been slightly judgmental in terms of my decision to pursue Ivf . But I've decided not to let it bother me anymore. In my opinion , fertility shouldn't be such a taboo subject . If more people talked about it I don't think we would feel so alone . It affects more people that most people realize . It's nothing to be ashamed of .

Of course if you do not want to discuss it with people you have every right to keep it private . For me I just felt like it was eating me up inside and I was harboring anger at people who made ignorant and insensitive comments .

chicandbubbly · January 2016

It is definitely so hard and most of us can relate! Around Christmas especially because many people whom we don't see often and don't know what we are going through are at family gatherings. Our parents know and have been pretty good but my MIL is always bringing up things about "when she is a Grandma." Literally two days after we found out about our MFI she gave my husband a box of his old baby stuff. I lost it when he brought that home.

I guess people don't always realize what they are saying can be hurtful and that it is so rude to ask people about when they are having kids. It is always hard deciding who to tell and how much to tell them. Our parents know, my sister knows but not all of the details and my closest friends know we are having difficulties. For me, it helps to talk about with people I know will be supportive. My husband was the opposite, he didn't want anyone to know but he has recently decided to tell a few close friends.

However,it definitely makes you realize things about your friends that you may not have. I told one of my best friends because I wanted someone to be there for me and she literally has not asked me once since I told her (2 months ago) how I am doing with it all. Definitely disappoints me.

Hang in there, we are all here for you! Tulips29

Tulips29 · January 2016

@chicandbubbly I'm sorry you had to deal with this with your MIL. I also agree with you that if you end up sharing, it will make you realize things about your friends. We didn't tell anyone any details except my mom since she struggled as well, but I did initially tell my best friend that I may have trouble TTC. I told her that I was taking tests to make sure I'm ok and that we would see how things went. She knows my story with PCOS so I thought if anything, she would be understanding enough about my possible future struggles. Instead, she proceeded to tell me that she's also worried she might struggle having baby #2. Meanwhile, she has no fertility issues and has no idea what I'm going through. When I told her I may have to give myself shots and I was scared of it before starting treatment, she told me she feels like she's in the same boat because she's nervous about getting pregnant again on her own and needs to stop drinking now if she is planning on baby #2. I was so frustrated that I decided to stop sharing with her and told her that I will share information with her when I feel ready and comfortable doing so.

MrsWookie · January 2016

You are definitely not alone in this! I think most people don't mean any harm, but people really should think a little more before they speak. I hate that it's kind of 'taboo' to speak openly about these issues because there are definitely days when I want to scream about it so everyone can hear (that's actually why I got on this website), but really, it's no one else's business regardless of the situation. Our parents and very close friends know about our struggles, because we wanted them to. I have silenced one of our neighbors who constantly bugged me about this by politely but forcefully telling her that I promised to let her know when we are expecting - she seems to have gotten the hint.

llc418 · January 2016

It's comforting to read that other women out there are struggling with the same issues/feelings that I am. I have only told my sisters what's going on and I haven't even given any specifics about it (I have PCOS and I'v started my 2nd cycle of letrozle). They don't really ask any questions about my situation either...I think they are afraid of making me feel bad.

And the amount of stress infertility causes can be so overwhelming...from the constant doctor visits to the amount of doctor bills that just keep piling up. It would be nice to talk to someone but it seems like no one I know has been through this. Coming on these forums has been helpful in helping me feel like I'm not totally alone!

Tulips29 · January 2016

@llc418 I feel exactly the same and these forums provide that outlet for you to talk with others who understand what you're going through. We're all here for you. I have PCOS as well and I feel like not many would understand the struggle associated with it. Even my former OBGYN used to tell me not to worry, they have pills for women with my condition to allow us to get pregnant. I didn't know she was referring to clomid at the time. Well, 7 months on clomid alone didn't help me and clearly that OBGYN didn't know the half of my struggles.

kuposa17 · January 2016

I've been lucky with the "when?" questions, most of them have been brief and I've been able to dodge them quickly, but the "relax and it will happen when you don't want it to" comments really get under my skin. It's so ridiculous! Yes, that happens, but statistically speaking (because I've researched this) there is NO correlation. Also, this line of thinking places blame on the individual, as if one can just "relax" and get pregnant. *sigh* Just yesterday I was at the doctor's office, I switched clinics so it was a new doctor, and right off the bat when I told her we were going through IVF she started telling me how "many" people in her family have adopted children only to then become pregnant. That is so unhelpful, are we all supposed to rush to the adoption agency for the sole purpose of magically reversing the "spell"? She's the 2nd doctor (non-RE, just general medicine) to rattle off this useless advice and I am still upset about it. Sorry, just needed to vent.

RogueDDG · January 2016

I had a coworker ask me again yesterday if I'm pregnant stating that someone asked her to ask me because I had a "glow". She walked down to my office specifically to ask that one question. She's asks every 2 weeks... not that I've even told her that we've been trying for some time now. I finally came out and said we will need help getting pregnant. I've just started going through tests and scheduling for things. I asked her to stop asking, and said please told tell me that I need to relax.... of course she responded with "well yes you do need to relax, you have a lot of things going on with work and school... blah blah blah... you will have kids when the timing is right" she also mentioned she's had friends that had trouble getting pregnant who adopted and then ended up getting pregnant later on... I'm with you @kuposa17, I'm not sure why people think that is a helpful comment...
I closed my office door for the rest of the day and ate chocolate left from Christmas... only time will tell if she will ask again, I have a feeling she will

AandDM2014 · January 2016

@kuposa17 I actually had my own freaking brother ask me why we didn't just give up on having a bio child and adopt. My own brother!!! (who, by the way, has 3 bio kids of his own and got a woman pregnant who was never supposed to be able to have kids due to major organ problems at birth)

I'm glad that I blog and post about our struggles. No one asks when we're having kids as they all know we've been trying for so long and have to do infertility treatments!

MarlyHC · January 2016

@tulips29 I get questions at work all the time too! People were asking me the day I got engaged too, including my landlord at the time. Now that we have been TTC for well over a year, it is much more painful to answer...but I was asked in a business meeting when I was leaving for my honeymoon about it and someone joked that I wouldn't get another vacation until we had babies. I just thought it was so inappropriate.

I try to be honest where it is appropriate, with people I'm closer with. I try to just say "soon" or "we are planning to" when people ask me that I don't feel like I can explain the whole process to.

Hang in there.

Tulips29 · January 2016

Ladies, I wanted to come back on here and say thank you to those of you who encouraged me to be open about my struggles. Last night I decided to open up to a close friend of mine who had her own struggles before she had her 2 beautiful babies. I was surprised at how good it felt to open up and I wasn't an emotional mess as I thought I would be. My friend was so supportive and kept encouraging me not to give up and that I will get my happy ending soon. I now don't feel like I have to run and hide when she asks me for updates. I still don't think I will tell everyone who will listen, but telling someone close to me was a good first step.

ultratomato · January 2016

I use to get this questions but I guess I'm so open about my issues that I share with the person that asks. I just don't understand where ppl think because u get married a kid is next. And then if you have a kid when is the next one coming. I never ask ppl those type of questions even before I knew k had trouble conceiving

Superwomanof3 · January 2016

I absolutely can relate! Most my friends say Im too old. Im forty. Well were actively trying since spring. My mom knows and is supportive, some of my close friends know but I hear the same thing too when Im at work. One co worker asked the same question. I said well wow, I am not sure when. He kept saying we should have our own child. Finally, I said were trying. And that having a baby isnt as easy as you think. He thought I was younger than I am and said your what "33"? I said no Im forty! And thank you but then his draw dropped and said, maybe you are too old. Im sorry. Lovely encouragement! He then said, well you just got to have sex alot. He dont know what he is talking about. It isnt that easy. I also have a friend, who also says, "if god wants you to have a child, hell grant you a child" . That can be irritating when you dont need and dont want to hear it. Like, we just should stop trying and leave it in gods hands. That is how she says things. Well, it wont happen, if you stop trying! LOL

MarlyHC · January 2016

I feel you @superwomanof3 people keep telling me if we stop trying it will happen...but we wouldn't hit the right timing with our busy schedules, not even close, if we stopped "trying"...and then the IF issues.

suchaglencoco · January 2016

@Tulips29, I am proud of you! I'm sure it was difficult but I'm glad you feel better after opening up and now have someone to talk to more openly about it.

Sapreenamaree · January 2016

@tulips29 You certainly are not alone. We still have not told anyone in the family about our struggles getting pregnant, and It gets increasingly harder to not tell them. But, we have been so confused lately that we have decided not to tell until we have more information ourselves. We finally have been referred to an RE, and have an appointment on 02/02. We are nervous and excited at the same time, worried about cost and just trying to stay calm. But when we know for sure what is going on, we will have a conversation, but just wish everyone would respect our privacy and not really probe so much.

Foxy8609 · January 2016

I may seem so strange but when people ask me about kids I just smile and say it will happen when it happens. Deep down it doesn't hurt and I don't want to cry. Some people I want to smack cause they ask it too frequently and it becomes annoying. I think my husband feels it more because we have male factor infertility. But I tell my husband that in then end there is nothing him or I can do to make it happen on our own and we shouldn't stress until all options have been exhausted. We are each other's rock through everyrhing.

Right now I've only told 3 people and I think he's told 1-2. My manager is so supportive cause she's gone through this but didn't become pregnant in the end. Our families are in the dark. Sort of. I told my brother we were trying because I am in his wedding. Nothing more though.

knklein10 · January 2016

I made the choice to stop drinking, so tonight when I went out with some co-workers after work and chose not to drink, I got OMG ARE YOU PREGNANT? After saying no, they kept pushing, so I finally just opened up and said I'm going through IVF. It was sort of liberating!

So many people are ignorant to the fact that the questions they are asking are sensitive and inappropriate.

Check out this post if you'd like to see how I handled "Why aren't you drinking?" It wasn't super eloquent, but, like I said, it was worth it. https://www.threelittlebeans.com/why-arent-you-drinking/

Good luck to you, ladies!

Tulips29 · January 2016

So this weekend I finally opened up to another one of my closest girlfriends and told her everything I've been going through. I told her about the constant appointments, the medication, injections, failed IUIs, me always crying, etc. She was shocked at how unaware she was about the whole process. She was understanding the supportive. It felt good to get it off my chest. Next day I saw her again and she announced she was pregnant with baby #2. I was thrilled for her but at the same time was sad for myself. Then I went home and cried away my sadness.

Tulips29 · January 2016

@knklein10 I've been reading your blog and I really enjoy it. Looking forward to reading the new post about drinking as I go through the same thing constantly.

MarlyHC · January 2016

@tulips29 I'm so sorry for your sadness! I have gone through the same thing with a friend of mine. We started trying May 2014 and she was going to start trying a couple of months later and we were talking about being pregnant together. She was on #2 and we were just starting out, I didn't know that we would have issues....she got pregnant right away and I didn't (obviously) and when she told me she was pregnant I was happy for her but sad for me. I totally get it. I have a lot of friends popping up pregnant lately and it's been hard. Hang in there!

khochanadel · January 2016

I find this blog post to ring true.

https://lovelylittlelife-hannah.blogspot.com/2013/07/9-things-infertile-women-want-women.html?m=1

knklein10 · January 2016

@Tulips29 First, I'm so sorry you had to go through that with your friend. My heart goes out to you. My sister-in-law's pregnancy announcement was the happiest kind of sad, so I can relate. Also, thank you for reading my blog. Let me know what you do when people ask you to go out for cocktails!

Keep fighting the good fight, lady!

Kelly

Tulips29 · January 2016

@MarlyHC story of my life. I planned to be pregnant together with a few friends on mine. All of them had absolutely no issues and keep popping out babies. I, on the other hand, am still trying for #1. It's so frustrating. FX you don't have to go through this much longer!

@khochanadel thank you, I will check it out.

@knklein10 I read your post earlier today. Why do people assume right away that you're pregnant when you stop drinking? I used to say I'm on a diet, or I am trying to be healthier, but that didn't work too well for me. Lately, I just order a glass of wine (or hubs sneakily gets me some cranberry juice) and I pretend I'm drinking a cocktail. Otherwise, I get a glass of real wine and pretend to sip it slowly. I find that for me, it works better than saying I stopped drinking and getting the pregnancy questions and assumptions. This weekend, my gf's baby announcement + AF in town led me to chug a glass of wine. I don't even feel guilty! lol.

XO

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