November 2015 Moms
bigbabyface
member
Sorry this is so long.
My LO is about to hit 4 weeks old, and the past week he's been extremely fussy at night. During the day he's fine - he sleeps great, but then at night he wakes up every 45 mins to an hour and screams for over an hour straight. I'm convinced it's not colic - just maybe he has his days and nights mixed up.
Anyways, the lack of sleep is causing my husband to have a lack of patience. Which is understandable. He's gotten a little rough with him out of frustration - not to the point of hurting him...just pressing him against his chest a little too hard for my liking or burping him a little too hard for what I think would be appropriate. I tried bringing it up a few days ago - and he got really upset, saying he doesn't know what to do when he's screaming like that and he gets even more frustrated when the baby immediately calms down when put to breast - even if he's not eating. He gets angry and says he needs to be able to calm him for when I go back to work and he's by himself. I try to peacefully remind him during the evenings to take a deep breath, and calm down - and he says that he doesn't like me saying that because it makes him feel like an incapable father.
Well, last night was especially bad. Baby screamed for like 3 hrs; only thing that consoled him was being next to my breast - even though he again wasn't eating during that time because he was already full. I was sick - and couldn't just sit there and hold him like that....and even if he fell asleep, the second I moved him he woke up; and when he realized he wasn't next to me would scream. My husband took a turn in the rocking chair with him, and was pressing his face against his chest. Which only upset the baby more - so my husband pushed against his straining and held his head there tighter. He finally calmed down - but an hour later I noticed a small bruise on his cheek.
I'm convinced it was from their rocking session and my husband being too rough in holding him. I need some advice in how to talk to my husband about this. He was always exceptionally helpful with my first - and he's never EVER intentionally hurt either one. But I'm worried if I don't help him get his temper under control he's going to unintentionally hurt him because of exhaustion and screaming. I tried telling him to just put him down and walk away to take a breather - and he says he can't just listen to him scream.
I'm lost on what to do
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Advice on roughness
bigbabyface
member
Sorry this is so long.
My LO is about to hit 4 weeks old, and the past week he's been extremely fussy at night. During the day he's fine - he sleeps great, but then at night he wakes up every 45 mins to an hour and screams for over an hour straight. I'm convinced it's not colic - just maybe he has his days and nights mixed up.
Anyways, the lack of sleep is causing my husband to have a lack of patience. Which is understandable. He's gotten a little rough with him out of frustration - not to the point of hurting him...just pressing him against his chest a little too hard for my liking or burping him a little too hard for what I think would be appropriate. I tried bringing it up a few days ago - and he got really upset, saying he doesn't know what to do when he's screaming like that and he gets even more frustrated when the baby immediately calms down when put to breast - even if he's not eating. He gets angry and says he needs to be able to calm him for when I go back to work and he's by himself. I try to peacefully remind him during the evenings to take a deep breath, and calm down - and he says that he doesn't like me saying that because it makes him feel like an incapable father.
Well, last night was especially bad. Baby screamed for like 3 hrs; only thing that consoled him was being next to my breast - even though he again wasn't eating during that time because he was already full. I was sick - and couldn't just sit there and hold him like that....and even if he fell asleep, the second I moved him he woke up; and when he realized he wasn't next to me would scream. My husband took a turn in the rocking chair with him, and was pressing his face against his chest. Which only upset the baby more - so my husband pushed against his straining and held his head there tighter. He finally calmed down - but an hour later I noticed a small bruise on his cheek.
I'm convinced it was from their rocking session and my husband being too rough in holding him. I need some advice in how to talk to my husband about this. He was always exceptionally helpful with my first - and he's never EVER intentionally hurt either one. But I'm worried if I don't help him get his temper under control he's going to unintentionally hurt him because of exhaustion and screaming. I tried telling him to just put him down and walk away to take a breather - and he says he can't just listen to him scream.
I'm lost on what to do
Re: Advice on roughness
Whether he meant it or not that is abuse. He needs to know that's not ok. Being tired is not an excuse.
Can the two of you brainstorm and/or google a list of ideas to try to calm a baby? Maybe if he has a list of things to try he may feel more prepared and not use force.
In the mean time could your husband watch the baby after work when they are both calmer so you can get some sleep?
If your husband is a reader I would really recommend The Happiest Baby on the Block or at least google the 5S's.
Edited cuz the wrong link posted
Edit: spelling
I wouldn't leave him alone with your baby until you can sort this out. Perhaps you take care of LO when they are crying at night and have your husband take shifts during the day.
Is there someone else you can speak to? A close friend or family member? You've also said he will be looking after the baby when you're back at work... From what you've written it sounds like a terrible idea :-( it doesn't sound like he thinks he can do it either.
Ps I'm not actually a violent person, (besides the joint threats of punching people that I make on here a lot...) but seriously, if anyone left a bruise on my baby's cheek... I don't care who, even the queen of England, they would get a return bruise from me.
My mom and step dad had twins when I was 14. My stepdad became very abusive emotionally due to frustration and not being able to handle the twins when they were fussy. They suffered from multiple health issues and I was often given one baby to take care of while my mother took care of the other one because they would both be screaming from colic for hours and hours, months and months. He would pass whichever one he was trying to soothe to me and take off. It never got better. He became MIA most of their young child years and when he was around he was awful to them. There were times that I would be in screaming matches with him because he would be screaming at the twins due to a bad attitude at the age of 3 and 4. He has told them awful things and it's gotten to the point where my mom has divorced him and the police have been involved multiple times.
Just on Christmas Day, he locked my sister who is 7 in a dark room for an hour because she had back talked him. She is afraid of the dark and deathly afraid of being locked in the dark. This was on CHRISTMAS DAY.
I don't know your situation. I don't know your husband, and I sure as hell don't expect you to take any advice from me or to consider that your husband could ever act this way. Baby's are fragile, but they are also very sturdy. It takes a LOT of pressure for a baby to bruise, and once again, I don't know this for sure, but it would be VERY difficult for him to bruise his cheek by pressing him against his chest. There is more to this that needs to be looked into.
You are your child's whole world. It's protector, provider. The only thing that can keep that darling baby alive. It is depending on you to thrive, and grow up happy. Please do what's best for that baby. Whether it's getting help for your husband, or other action I am begging you to not leave this alone, and to not stay quiet about it before it escalates any more.
If he's not horrified that he hurt the baby, then you need to get him some counseling, ASAP.
As far as managing frustration, men generally need to fix things, so give him tools for his toolbox. Tell him to try, burping, changing, laying baby on his tummy and rubbing his back, walking in circles around the coffee table while holding baby upright and close, the hold that PPs mentioned, gripe water...or whatever you normally do. Then remind him that newborns sometimes just cry and even the best parent in the world just has to do their best to comfort and wait it out. My hubby has said similar things, "I don't know what to do," and, "I'm bad at being a dad." Remind him that pretty much all dads don't know what to do with a newborn, that babies often just want their mommies, and that in a couple years daddy is going to be the fun one for LO to be around. It doesn't make him incompetent if he can't calm a crying newborn every time.
We have a rule at night, if one of us is starting to get frustrated, they MUST hand off the baby to the other one. Because baby will feel the frustration and definitely won't calm down.
As far as the not being able to just set him down and leave the room (because he can't stand to hear him cry) I get. I find that putting in my earbuds and listening to one good song and getting a drink of water helps immensely.
I brought the bruise up immediately that night, which wasn't very helpful because he was in such a bad state. I brought it up again the next morning which was more constructive. Anytime he's gotten a little rough with burping or bouncing he's always snapped at me saying he's not going to hurt him. I think he's forgotten how fragile babies are because my 2 year old is so sturdy. He runs into walls and trips on the sidewalk and bounces right back up. He's used to wrestling and rough housing with my older.
The look on his face when I approached him about the bruise the next morning was down right heart broken. And even though it sucked I made sure to subtly throw it into conversation throughout the afternoon before he went to work. I made sure he felt he importance of it. And I think it hit him pretty hard that HE did that, and he was the only reason why it happened. We've spent the last two days working out a way to have him handle the evenings better. We went out and bought a new camera, that we installed in our large walkin closet. We placed a momaroo and low light lamp in there, last night any time my husband felt he was getting frustrated he placed him in the momaroo swaddled, turned on the sound machine part of it and took a breather. I think having him muffled a little bit helped the situation - he kind of echoes in our room because we have a lot of Windows.
I've also spent the past few days working on getting an extra week off of work. Although it might be slightly unfair in duty splitting we're going to be having him do the majority of the evening care (other than feeding obviously) while I'm there in case he starts to fail. That way he can establish a routine and 'toolbox' while he has me there before I go back to work. Kinda like a safety net I guess.
My husband has never been aggressive towards any person or animal in the almost 10 years we've been together. I think this past week just got to him with the change in work schedule, the lack of sleep and the frustration of feeling like a failing parent. He Truely feels like crap for leaving a thumbprint bruise, I was more or less looking for guidance on how to bring up the subject than for judgement against him which I kind of feel like one or two of you went for. Either way I appreciate the concern.
I get the exhaustion isn't an excuse, but I'm starting to see that's really a large part of it. Thankfully this change in his work schedule is only for this week. I think he's been extremely overwhelmed with a lot of things that have been going on lately - I feel partially to blame that I didn't see it sooner.
I'm glad you are taking great steps to help your husband and your little one!