Trying to Get Pregnant
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TTC Bringing up old wounds **TW**
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I have not posted a discussion before, so I'm not sure of the protocol for how it's usually done. But my question is this: What measures, if any, have you taken to help cope with or heal from old wounds that may come up during TTC?
I hesitate to get into my own personal specifics right away, because I know they could be triggering for others, and my goal is not to offend anyone or start a big flame-fest. But in a way, I think that's why I feel the need to bring up the topic, because I know I can't be the only one who has had painful experiences bubble up to the surface now that we are TTC, and I don't want to have to carry those burdens throughout any future pregnancies and into their childhood.
Thanks,
<img title="Image: https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.riffsy.com%2Fimages%2F86e32c486a6e2f762cfef722cd9bd931%2Fraw&f=1" src="https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.riffsy.com%2Fimages%2F86e32c486a6e2f762cfef722cd9bd931%2Fraw&f=1" alt="hug">
I hesitate to get into my own personal specifics right away, because I know they could be triggering for others, and my goal is not to offend anyone or start a big flame-fest. But in a way, I think that's why I feel the need to bring up the topic, because I know I can't be the only one who has had painful experiences bubble up to the surface now that we are TTC, and I don't want to have to carry those burdens throughout any future pregnancies and into their childhood.
Thanks,
<img title="Image: https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.riffsy.com%2Fimages%2F86e32c486a6e2f762cfef722cd9bd931%2Fraw&f=1" src="https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.riffsy.com%2Fimages%2F86e32c486a6e2f762cfef722cd9bd931%2Fraw&f=1" alt="hug">
Re: TTC Bringing up old wounds **TW**
Also when you find yourself starting to let old wounds fester, find a project to work on or go out and do something. Just taking your thoughts away from the old issue can help you to bring everything back into focus. Alot of times, I would just worry myself sick by over thinking things.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
I'm so sorry you've been through all that. I hope you find the peace your looking for.
Married May 2014
TTC Nov 2014-Aug 2016
Aug 2015 Dx: Thyroid Cancer and Hashimotos
Total Thyroidectomy October 2015
Ovarian Cystectomy Nov 2015
CANCER FREE and resumed TTC Dec 2015.
@BusinessWife I'm so sorry you've had to go through what sounds like a lot of really intense and unpleasant stuff. I've also been through a lot of really awful shit from previous relationships, most significantly, a controlling relationship that turned emotionally and then physically abusive, compounded by an eating disorder and associated anxiety. Ten years ago, I was a completely unrecognizable human being from the person I am today.
It was of the utmost importance to me to make certain that I was over all of it (or at least in control of my feelings about all of it) as much as I could possibly be before I even considered having kids. Now that I'm married to my favorite human on the planet and we're trying to build a family, my past honestly doesn't have any bearing on my feelings about TTC. Everyone's issues are different, of course, but some things that I thought would bother me (for example, would I worry about my body changing during pregnancy? I thought I'd be so upset about gaining weight and now I'm like GIMME DEM CRAVINGS) don't even cross my mind.
That said, I don't know if any of those issues will crop up while I'm actually pregnant. I don't know if that's a separate issue, but I'm trying to follow two pieces of really good advice I've gotten here: 1. don't live like you're pregnant until you are, and 2. don't borrow trouble. To wit, if trouble comes (namely, if I get KU and my issues suddenly surface), I'll deal with it, but I'm not going to live in fear of them. I've let my husband know that I have some fears, and I've told him specifically what those fears are, and then I try to keep myself calm. I know my husband is there for me if I really need him, and he keeps a lookout for things that might get me down and will give a little pep talk if he thinks I need something. It's never a big deal, but like, if he catches me scrutinizing myself in the mirror, he might just come over and say "you look gorgeous today." I kind of want to save the talking to him about my issues for if things really do get bad. In the meantime, I unload on my friends or my mom or my sister. I would absolutely consider resuming therapy, as well.
TL;DR - find someone to talk to. Find several someones! Put them on standby, and try to live your life, and don't be afraid to call on people when things get tough. The people you love will be there for you, and a good therapist can help you go a long way. And, for what it's worth, we're here for you, too.
Married 9/27/14
TTC #1 since 8/15/15
BFP: 1/2/16, EDD 9/13/16 - MMC 2/10/16
BFP: 3/17, EDD 11/23/16
November 2016 April Siggy Challenge - April Showers
@LINDSEYRVA Thanks for your honesty and sharing. I also had a similar relationship, that while not physically abusive in an overtly violent way, was absolutely controlling and demeaning. I still catch myself wondering if blurt something out if it sounds like a strange thing to say, and I find myself in any kind of conflict or argument with my husband turning into this tiny, fearful apologetic wimp and I'm like like, OMG this cowering wuss that he created still lives in me! Gahh! DH can be very tough-love and doesn't always say what I wish he would say. I wish he would baby me sometimes, but his attitude sometimes can be very much like, "grow a pair!" lol Like he expects me sometimes to be this like brash stereotype Italian guidedette or something, hollering back at him all Jersey housewives or something, I don't know, (and he married me in part because I am absolutely NOT THAT), but instead sometimes I will just cringe and cower and if I ever shout at him in frustration we just burst out into bellylaughs cos it's just so ridiculous to be yelling at each other. (He doesn't always see when he's overreacting when I'm all calm zen warrior, but the instant I hold the mirror up to his face is when he sees how ridiculous he looks.)
But ya, I don't want to have to cower or shout, or second-guess the random things that come out of my mouth. Mostly I think I'm afraid that I might somehow hurt my dear child without meaning to, or expose her to some kind of abuse without even knowing... for a long time I thought I only wanted to have boys. 9 or 10 boys and then a girl at the end, (with an army of older brothers lol) because I felt like the world is no place for girls, and that what the world really needs are more Good Men. I still feel that way about the world needing more good honest men, raised to be brave and true and stick up for the little guys and look out for the women and children, so to that extent, I guess I'm rambling but my fears are maybe not so much about physically having the baby and people poking around but about child-rearing in a corrupt and imperfect world.
And about the child I will never know... s/he'd be about as old almost and one of my BF's daughter. They would have grown up together for a time, maybe to this day, because I wonder how much different my whole life might have been. It would have been a completely different path and I know it's pointless to wonder about such completely hypothetical things, but it's hard not to sometimes. And if I think about it, of course it makes me angry all over again that that was something he took from me, finding out I was pregnant for the First Time and having that moment tainted, instead of being a special sacred thing with my husband - which it Will Be when it happens again, God willing, it's hard not to be mad about that thing that shouldn't have ever happened in light of our TTC. Like isn't that a b-word, that an assault can result in a pregnancy by mistake but you have to "try" with your own husband!?
<img src="https://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/05/Angry-women-gif.gif?gs=a" alt="angry-women-gif" height="171" width="320"><img src="https://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/11/angry-boiling-evil-eye-eyes-fuming-internal-rage-mad-squint-squinting-steven-seagal-Suspicion-suspicious-GIF.gif?gs=a" alt="angry-boiling-evil-eye-eyes-fuming-internal-rage-mad-squint-squinting-steven-seagal-suspicion-suspicious-gif" height="168" width="336"><img src="https://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/10/Angry-girl-GIF.gif?gs=a" alt="angry-girl-gif"><img src="https://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/03/Angry-Homer-GIF.gif?gs=a" alt="angry-homer-gif">
I have to say for the moment, I think gif therapy is really working for me! lol Cos I'm searching through angry gifs and I'm just like, oh no, no, no not angry like THAT. It is what it is though. It does make me wish I could go all Steven Segal/Wonderwoman on somebody though! ha.
@zrain That is really interesting, I had never heard of EMDR, so that's great that you found something that was helping you. The good news is too, it's not such an uncommon request, to have female practitioners if at all possible, so I I'm sure if you made a request like that it wouldn't be the first (or last) time they had heard it, and are probably used to accommodating wherever possible. :)
<img title="Image: https://global.thebump.com/ticker?TT=ttc&TT1=ttc&CL=28&CT=D&CG=T&O=m_duck&T=t_ttc12&D=2015-12-19&M1=14&D1=&T2=&T1=&T3=&CC=4&CO=FFFFFF&CO2=&W=C&TS=&R=&SC=green" src="https://global.thebump.com/ticker?TT=ttc&TT1=ttc&CL=28&CT=D&CG=T&O=m_duck&T=t_ttc12&D=2015-12-19&M1=14&D1=&T2=&T1=&T3=&CC=4&CO=FFFFFF&CO2=&W=C&TS=&R=&SC=green" alt="">
**Edited because typo and TWs
Edited to remove my story. I'm sorry guys. I can't. My anxiety has been building since I posted, and I just can't.
I am so sorry to hear of everyone's experiences. I makes me feel that much more thankful I have a great group of ladies to share my own struggles with.
For me, the TTC process reminds me of the pregnancy I terminated in college. I was young, stupid, single, and broke. It's a decision I regret every day of my life. It's taken many many years to get into a good place, but TTC always makes me think of "what might have been." I have always felt extreme religious guilt and still fear that God is going to punish me for what I did. I was terrified during my first pregnancy that I was going to lose the baby as "pay backs". I know that is irrational and not how God works, but I can't help but have that thought in the back of my mind. DH knows about this as do a few of my close friends, but it's not something I share with most people. It's shameful for me to even talk about, but I know I need to forgive myself at some point.
Wow. I have to say thank you <span>@DarthFuriosa and @DCHokiemom for sharing. I knew I couldn't be the only one for whom things were coming up that I feel like I had otherwise healed from and moved on.
@DarthFuriosa I'm so sorry for your experience. I can just about imagine what a WINNER that guy was! And I would be lying if I didn't get a chuckle at that last happy little thought right there.
</span>
<img src="https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fimgur.com%2FaAco6.gif&f=1" alt="mon dsarroi face la situation httpiimgurcomJKHTlgif ">
Mine I always wanted to see his skull crushed into a curb. But of course, you know, not REALLY.
<img title="Image: https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youne.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F12%2FInnocent-smile.jpg&f=1" src="https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youne.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F12%2FInnocent-smile.jpg&f=1" alt="Innocent Smile - Laughing is the Best Exercise" height="160" width="241"> <img title="Image: https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fhdwallpapersrocks.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F09%2FInnocent-smile-of-baby-with-watermelon-300x250.jpg&f=1" src="https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fhdwallpapersrocks.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F09%2FInnocent-smile-of-baby-with-watermelon-300x250.jpg&f=1" alt="Innocent smile of baby with watermelon" height="158" width="190">
I'm also curious what province you're in, or I don't know if that's too personal? I lived in Canada for a while and I love it there, but I know the healthcare system - as wonderful as it can be! Is definitely still not perfect.
@DCHokiemom Wow, ya that is definitely a lot of what I'm feeling, too. I try not to take it to that place where I'm thinking that way, thinking the worst, or thinking that we would be punished. I have actually thought about going on a weekend for this program I think called Rachel's Vineyard or something I think the Church does to help the healing process. I keep meaning to check it out, but the last time it was offered it was so far out on the calendar and not located anywhere near me, so i let it go. But I wonder like - if instead of doing what I did, if I could have kept it and and basically stayed with the guy I met shortly after, and even had him pass as the father and live happily every after!
<img title="Image: https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.riffsy.com%2Fimages%2F97f40dd683c92ebf98b8ea2088814ca6%2Fraw&f=1" src="https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.riffsy.com%2Fimages%2F97f40dd683c92ebf98b8ea2088814ca6%2Fraw&f=1" alt="utterly insane" height="162" width="291">
Riiiight. Cos that would have totally worked out well! lol
Hi ladies. My experience isn't nearly as scary as some of you, and definitely more self inflicted, but still a little traumatic nonetheless. I thought I'd offer a little insight into how I've learned to cope. Also, if you have any fertility issues or difficulties with pregnancy, you may not want to read my story.
I experienced my first pregnancy when I was fifteen, a sophomore in high school. I was so scared that I hid my entire pregnancy from everyone (more accurately, I was in denial) and eventually gave birth to my first DD by myself. It took me years to even be honest with myself about the situation, let alone talk about what happened (apparently I was in denial for awhile).
I was so ashamed of myself. I was so intelligent, how could I be so stupid as to risk not only my life, but my child's as well? And that's on top of giving birth in the toilet, and being in high school. All because I thought not saying anything would change my circumstances. Thankfully, I was blessed with a healthy little girl.
By time I had gotten pregnant with my second, I had started to be more open and honest about what happened. However, during my second pregnancy, I spent pretty much the entire pregnancy making sure I didn't make the mistakes I had made my first, especially not giving birth at home.
Now, I'm making sure DH and I actually ttc, since our first two were unplanned, and this is probably my biggest issue.
Before, I always tried to avoid talking about what happened to me. If I thought about it, I'd try to think about something else. Now, if it comes up in conversation, I'll tell people my experience without a problem, though sometimes with some tears, just putting myself back in that scared teenager's shoes, or even considering how will I one day tell my daughter. But I no longer dwell on my mistake.
If negative thoughts come to your mind, it's okay to distract yourself every once in a while. However, you need to make sure you are aware of your feelings and confront them if needed. And as pp's said, try to have someone to talk to. Each time I tell my story, the easier it becomes, and the less it hurts.
One last thing... I think if anything helped me, it was the wonderful women who admired my strength and reassured me that my mistake didn't have a negative impact on me or the future of my daughter. I also know that I'm in a position where I can relate to teen moms, and hopefully prevent some of what I went through.
I apologize for such a long post, but I hope I helped. If you ladies didn't read anything else, I hope you read this:
You are a strong, beautiful woman. You've been through so much, and will handle whatever is to come
Eta: words
Me: 28 | DH: 31
Together since 2006 | Married May 2015
TTC #1 since November 2015
BFP 5/17/16 | EDD 1/27/17 | Born 2/4/17
I second the recommendation of trying EMDR. I recently tried this with my therapist. It definitely felt good to be able to get everything out. I was abused as a child both physically and sexually. The sexual abuse started when I was five years old by family members and a neighbor, and I was gang raped at 10 years old.
My family was not supportive and is of the twisted "Christian" belief that all sexual assault is the fault of the female and that Godly men should try to force themselves on a woman to ensure she is upright and not a "slut." DH was the first person who helped me to start overcoming all the damage years of abuse caused. Counseling helps. I try to be aware of when issues from my past are making a reappearance. Of you are aware of the issue, it is easier to avoid psyching yourself out / whipping your fears into a frenzy. I like to concentrate on something else for a while; that way I can revisit the fear / issue when I am thinking more rationally. Then you can analyze what triggered the episode and work through it.
Also work on developing positive thinking habits. I struggle with being overly critical of myself / hating my body because of the assault and then later the failed pregnancies DH and I have had over the course of TTC. Its important not to blame yourself or get stuck on the "what ifs."
You were strong enough to make it through everything. You can make it through this one step at a time.
I'm living in Ontario right now. Things take a bit longer than they do in the states, but the quality of care is amazing, and if worst case scenario does happen, the province offers limited IVF coverage, which is kind of a comfort.
@DarthFuriosa I'm so sorry if my reaction came across the wrong way. I don't think it's funny at all, believe me, I know what you are saying. I am not a violent person in the SLIGHTEST either, but I DID catch myself laughing a really evil little laugh - it seriously surprised even myself - because there probably is a part of me that would want to totally help you out with that if we got the chance. Buuuut, ya, I guess that's the strange conflicting kind of emotions that come up and can make it so confusing and difficult to heal from. I was in Ontario, too! I didn't know that about the IVF coverage, that is amazing. And who knows, you may not need it, but I agree, maybe that is some small comfort knowing that it's available if the times comes.
**TW - teen pregnancy
@Jenwash612 Thank you so much for your story. That is so weird that you say that because I JUST had a show paused upstairs when I came down to throw some laundry in, where the girl was 14 and delivered her own baby. As difficult as all this stuff is and as long as it takes sometimes to come to terms with it, I guess it's just crazy that it's all part of life. Maybe doesn't happen to everyone, but it's a real part of the human experience, and it Was your experience, so thank you for sharing it. I appreciate your saying too that basically, over time, it is possible to get this stuff out where it doesn't hurt us anymore when it comes up, but I know it doesn't happen overnight, maybe more in small doses, a layer at a time. Like peeling an onion, and i suppose sometimes not without the tears.
While I definitely didn't see it coming, I feel like today maybe has been good for me, because I've been sharing about it, and reliving some of it, and then getting up and getting busy and putting it out of my mind until I'm ready to take another peek. And yep, I mean, it's still there, but I honestly feel like something has been a little bit lifted, so thank you ladies, all for being there and being so supportive, and for all your input especially on how YOU are learning to heal from your own experiences, too.
OP definitely seek out an EMDR therapist as many others have already suggested. It is amazing for dealing with trauma. My first husband was physically and mentally abusive, all sexual encounters after the first few months were rape. I stayed in that relationship for almost three years because my religious background caused me to blame myself. I spent four years after leaving him not dealing with any of it, and basically pretending none of it happened. This was a bad idea and ended with me attempting suicide multiple times before finally, with the help of my wonderful husband, seeking help. EMDR literally saved my life. I hope that you take some comfort in this community and know that you are not alone. Also welcome and I hope your stay here is short!
DS1 -- 9/30/2016