Rainbow check-in

BrittnyS10 · November 2015

I think it's about time we do this. Moms of rainbow babies, lets share our struggles and support each other. And I think we should share our joys as well as our fears. And say together "Today I am pregnant!"

(For anyone who may not know, a rainbow baby refers to the "rainbow after the storm". The storm typically being a previous loss, struggles with infertility, etc.)

BrittnyS10 · November 2015

I tend to struggle the most when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep. After laying awake for hours, my mind at some point always turns to thinking about the little one I lost last March and I end up sobbing as quietly as possible trying not to wake DH.

My biggest joy was when DH was able to finally feel this lil nugget move two nights ago! And then having a good a/s yesterday certainly helps me to breathe a little easier too.

selenamtz95 · November 2015

Same here I just loose it sometimes that's when all those memory's come up when I just can't get comfortable and, sleep start thinking about the day I had my baby girl at 14 weeks sleeping on June then recently lost my mother on September I feel so, alone not getting to share every ultrasound pictures or, feeling my baby boy move with my mom she was so, excited and, now everytime I have a appointment it's a great moment but, a sad one too not getting to share it with her. But, I'm happy knowing I have my baby boy inside of me needing his mommy strong and, knowing I have two angels up on heaven taking care of me.

Poppy16 · November 2015

I lost my previous pregnancy at 16 weeks, 6.5 years ago. That baby died at 12 weeks, but I didn't know it until my NT scan at 16 weeks. I've felt a lot of relief every time I reach a milestone in this pregnancy, like hitting the 12 week mark, then the 2nd trimester mark, then 16 weeks. I had my NT scan last week at 19 weeks and it showed a perfectly healthy growing baby. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, that I didn't even realize was there. I feel like I can really enjoy this pregnancy now, and not always feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for something bad to happen. I've even been allowing myself to start nesting and buy things that I need for this baby. I didn't realize that I was holding off on these things!

AmadorRose · November 2015

I'm with @Poppy16 - each milestone, each time I see this LO one a monitor is like one pebble on the load of worry that I carry. I've been trying really hard to just enjoy the pregnancy, say thanks for every kick, but in the last few weeks I have been almost sick with worry about the a/s. It's like a cloud hanging over my head. Thankfully, it's only one more week away. Maybe then I'll be able to breathe easier.

MrsZko · November 2015

I feel exactly as @AmadorRose has just said. I have my anatomy scan Saturday and can't even fathom how this day will actually happen and go smoothly. It's like a constant cloud. I feel so lucky and happy that so far everything has gone well but in the back of my mind I think...what's not to say this baby's heart will not stop suddenly also. My past losses were around 15 weeks so I'm passed that and feel huge relief. But it's hard not to worry....

On another note, I'm really glad you started this @BrittnyS10

BrittnyS10 · November 2015

@selenamtz95 Im so sorry to hear about your baby as well as your mom. How heartbreaking to lose both. ((Hugs))

I really hope everyone who still has their a/s coming up gets great news of healthy babies.

It sounds like quite a few of us at least have made it further already this time than before. So that is always wonderful to hear. And now we're all close to half way, give or take a couple weeks!

I'm keeping all these sticky buns in my prayers.

aa79606 · November 2015

We had two losses in less than 2 years, and it's really hard not to worry. I feel like we're barely starting to accept that this baby is actually healthy. The good results from the Progenity blood test helped some, but the AS is looming dark for me too. I try not to think about it, or I'll start considering all the what-if scenarios. They told me about 2.5 weeks ago that they'd call me to let me know when the AS is scheduled, but they haven't called yet, and I'm not ready to follow up to make sure they've scheduled it.

Pinguinageddon · November 2015

I am worrying *constantly*. Up the the very moment I see her on the ultrasound, and even then. This baby seems to have absorbed all the strengh of her siblings though (does that sound morbid, in a way? I don't mean it to.), and is growing up strong and healthy, despite her mother's health problems. I'm still terrified every moment that she'll stop breathing, or not get enough nutrients, or that her heart will stop, or that I'll suddenly go into labor or something I haven't even thought of.
My doctor has been amazing this pregnancy, listening to all of my worries, asking questions, offering solutions. I have an ultrasound every three weeks. It feels like an eternity between them to me, but I know I'm lucky... And I know she, and all of y'all's babies, will make it through.

jkeezy · November 2015

Thanks for starting this thread.

Now I'm over halfway through, with a successful anomoly scan and kicking baby I'm relaxing more. I get upset and scared when I have to talk about my baby that died - and I'm in the middle of the health&risk assessments at work they do for expecting mothers.
A couple of weeks ago I was in a bad place for a few days, got my final occupational health assessment tomorrow which won't be pleasant but then that should all be done.

I'm worried about comparing this baby to the one I lost - it's not a replacement, every baby is special, and it's helpful I'm now further along in my pregnancy than I was before. Still though, I'm worried that I'll look at my baby and wonder what might have been, which is grossly unfair on this little boy, who I already love and want to protect. Anyone the same? Feel a bit silly. ☺️

Goldsgirl9 · November 2015

Currently 17w1d after two losses this year. One at 6 weeks and one at 10 weeks after seeing the heart beat at 7 weeks. It was crushing. We have just started talking about names for the this baby and will tell our families next week when I hit 18 weeks. I wish I could wait until after our a/s but that's going to be impossible to hide.

I miss the naivety of my pregnancy with DS. This pregnancy has been filled with fear and uncertainty. It's just now that we are allowing ourselves to enjoy the pregnancy. I don't think I will fell comfortable until this little guy is in my arms. My fetal Doppler gives me reassurance on days I doubt and I know I will start feeling him more consistent which should help ease nerves as well.

Great post, wishing each of you a happy & healthy 9 months!

mrsweldontobe · November 2015

We lost our only other baby on Easter 2012 as a very early miscarriage. We haven't had any success conceiving since then. Earlier this year we found out that my husband had a neck injury that he had had for 5 years or more. He had spinal surgery over the summer, and less than a month later we conceived! I wonder if his injury was putting so much stress on his body that it actually prevented us from conceiving.

Whether that's the case or not we're both ecstatic to be at this point in this pregnancy (17 weeks 5 days). I definitely still feel like I'm holding my breath for each new milestone (a/s, feeling baby kick, viability, etc...), but for today we are all pregnant and that's certainly something to be celebrated!

Grow babies, grow!

spatter1 · November 2015

At 17 weeks I still find myself totally paranoid and not completely letting myself embrace this pregnancy. It's been very hard, but is slowly getting a little better. I keep thinking after I hit certain milestones (12 weeks, 16 weeks, etc) I'll feel better but it hasn't really happened. Finally told my boss today which was a big step for me. Rest of friends and family will probably be told around thanksgiving. Like @Goldsgirl9 said, I wish I could wait until after my anatomy scan to tell the rest of my family and friends but it's just going to be too hard/awkward to hide next week. Honestly, I kind of wish I could just tell everyone after the baby is born!

Hoping after the anatomy scan I willreally let myself feel good and that this is happening. I've felt a lot of anger about the fact that my "pregnancy innocence" has been taken away because of our loss. I am so jealous of the girls who are happy and excited shouting it from the (Facebook) rooftops. I wish I felt like that.

So happy to have this support system though and thanks for starting this thread! Thinking of you all!!

BrittnyS10 · November 2015

@jkeezy I totally know what you mean about being afraid of comparing this baby to the one you should already have. I have such mixed feelings thinking if I hadn't lost my first it would have been born in september and I wouldn't be pregnant with this one now.

@spatter1 I had a really hard time when my sister had her baby just a couple months after I lost mine. I know I was robbed of that "pregnancy innocence" that she had. I do totally adore my little niece though.

Thank you everyone for sharing! This is a very special support group.

rebelone · November 2015

I'll be 18 weeks tomorrow. I've had 4 losses in my past, two of them were boys. One of my boys was lost at full term on my due date and the other was lost at 18 weeks to trisomy 13. There was no way he would have had any quality of life outside so we made the painful decision to say goodbye. The stillbirth was not really explained other than the placenta had already shut down and there was meconium in the amniotic fluid during labor. This boy I'm carrying now means so much to me and I am really scared that something could happen. His being born........I just can't think of the words what it would mean, no word would give this feeling any justice.

I'm so scared and so excited and I'm also sad. I also feel disconnected to this pregnancy. I can feel him move, my uterus is twitching about today, and I'm just like okay. I'm not feeling like I'm bonding to this little guy. My husband sure hasn't been paying this baby as much attention as he did with our 2 year old little girl (who is a beacon of light in our life for the moment). I also think because it's because it's a boy - I don't want to get too attached and risk losing him like I've lost my other two boys.

This high risk pregnancy isn't very high risk at the moment because everything's on track. The numbers look good and so far I'm having a standard non-eventful pregnancy so there's no bi-monthly ultrasounds or OB appointments (thank goodness). I just try and keep my worries to myself and try and share when the baby kicks with my husband. He is happy, but it doesn't seem like he's too excited not like when I was pregnant with out 2 year old. Our 2 year old has most of his attention at the moment and I'm okay with that because she's an outside baby and we have to tend to her first or risk the house being torn down lol There's time when I come home from work and the house looks like a tornado swept through the entire house.

I really hope the anatomy scan on Monday will bring more togetherness and give more reassurance that everything is continuing to do good. I'm always scared they'd find something and it's so hard not to think those thoughts when you're used to being told bad news when it comes to pregnancies. Thanks for this thread.

BrittnyS10 · November 2015

Oh @rebelone I'm so sorry for all that you have gone through. I will definately keep you and your little one in my prayers. I hope everything goes smoothly for you this time.

live4something · November 2015

I'm 18 weeks tomorrow too. My due date for the loss is next Friday and the closer we get to it, the more nervous I become. I pray and pray for my son that I'm carrying, that I will get to a point where I will fully enjoy this pregnancy. I'm looking forward to stronger kicks/movements but for now, I'll settle for the occasional bumps I feel. I have joined an awesome Facebook group of Rainbow Moms and find that talking my feelings out in an environment where so many people understand how I feel really does help. Just like this thread. A group none of us want to belong to, but it's nice to know you're not alone in your fears and sadness. With that said... OP, I'll just say "TODAY, I'M PREGNANT", and blessed to be :-)

rebelone · November 2015

Also ladies, I would like to mention that my rainbow signature was made from a member from another A'16 group I belong to, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind sharing to other rainbow moms so feel free to use it if you like.

MrsZko · November 2015

Thanks @rebelone

! I'm also very sorry about your losses and I can only imagine how emotional this journey to bringing this boy into the world is like....

Mailmans Baby Momma · November 2015

Hugs ladies.

We started ttc in 2007...had a mc in 2008, and were blessed to have DS in 2013. Lots of struggles along the way.

Milestones were mentioned, and it's like I hold my breath until the next one. I pray constantly for the health of our baby, but also that my body does what it's supposed to. We almost lost DS at 13 weeks to a SCH that funneled my cervix and bled out. When I think how close we were to losing him, knowing the person he is now...I just can't breathe sometimes.

Fx for sticky babies and healthy bodies for all the Mommas!

spicedice · November 2015

This baby is not my rainbow baby (my 16 month old is), but I've spent this entire pregnancy on edge since we lost two before conceiving our son in October 2013. Everything is so different this time around, and it freaks me out. Ultrasounds are a sigh of relief and a heart attack. I freaked out at my 13 week appointment because they had issues finding baby's heart beat. I had to be induced with my son because of pre-eclampsia, so I'm terrified it will happen much earlier (and risk losing baby), since there is less time between pregnancies than I would have hoped.

kimey1 · November 2015

Thank you for this post!
After losing our honeymoon baby as a mmc between 8-9weeks this April, we've been hoping we'd get good news this year. I couldn't be happier that I'm 17weeks tomorrow. The bathroom visits and jabs in the tummy area are signs that she is breathing and moving.
Unlike the first time when I was always happy to see my doctor each time, I anxiously wonder whether she is ok everytime I'm in the waiting room. Then seeing her move, her heartbeat is a huge relief that puts a smile on my face. On most days I remember to stay positive and remember that I'm pregnant today.
Remember, we are pregnant today, mamas!!

mommyTARDIS · December 2015

I'm pregnant with a little rainbow after loosing my first child at 32 weeks and 5 days, the doctors tried to find answers, but there weren't any, which has been very hard to accept. Sometimes I think I'm fine and then there are sometimes where I feel like I'm going crazy and I just want to scream. We find out on the 28th exactly how far along I am.
Any tips on what I can do to help stay calm? I know that there is going to be some fear no matter what, but is there is anything that you found helpful in minimizing that fear?

spicedice · December 2015

@mommyTARDIS Take each day at a time. Enjoy each milestone and embrace every tiny flutter, every wave of nausea, each glimpse in the mirror. Don't try and compare your LOs. Let them be individuals. DS1 is my rainbow baby, but this LO is due when my second should have been born.

jpb7712 · December 2015

This is our second pregnancy and our rainbow baby. Is anyone else feeling anxious about a baby shower? I know it's silly but it just feels so scary to me. I want to have one because we're excited about our first child and so is our family and friends but it's scary. We lost our first at 8 weeks and were much further along now with everything looking on track but I can't help but worry. I try to stay positive and enjoy our pregnancy but it's hard. My bff is also prego and i envy her innocence and pure joy. It's hard because I feel like I can't talk to her about how I feel because I don't want to upset her... Basically I'm a mess. Lol I try to be positive I swear!

SandiMarie23 · December 2015

I can not begin to imagine what you ladies must be feeling. While I have never had a loss, it has taken me 14 years of trying to convince our little miracle. I am over the moon excited but scared at the same time. I'm 26 weeks today and everything is going well but some days when hours go by and I haven't felt her move, I feel myself start to panic and then once I feel her I calm down a bit. I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to experience this but I am terrified that it will be taken from me.

deadhead24 · January 2016

My SO and I had a mmc in March of 2015, we weren't trying but it was such a blessing, we were devastated when they couldn't find the heartbeat again. I was 10 weeks along the baby was about 8 and we had already heard the heart beat! We weren't ttc either time but we are so grateful to say we are 23 weeks along with a healthy baby boy. Now that he is kicking and moving all the time I'm not as worried until I get online and read horror stories on message boards. Now I worry about stillbirth a lot for some reason, or some random death they won't be able to explain. I'm so grateful for this message board though!! (Edited from saying I was 9 weeks and baby was 8, to I was 10 weeks and baby was 8)

spatter1 · January 2016

@deadhead24 I'm with you! Now my worries are more to preterm birth or still birth or something else horribly random and unexplainable happening. Ugh!!! I can't even sleep at night bc if I wake up on my stomach or back I'm paranoid that I did something to hurt the baby and I won't go back to sleep until I feel her move. I know it's not rational but I can't seem to help it!

spicedice · January 2016

@spatter1 My biggest fear with DS1 was preterm labor, since he was my rainbow baby and I was working graveyard shift the entire pregnancy. Studies show that women who work graveyard are more likely to have preterm labor, but that's only a 10-15% increased risk. I ended up delivering at 39 weeks and 4 days.

spatter1 · January 2016

@fbanke42 always so nice to hear good outcomes!!

spicedice · January 2016

@spatter1 I like to remind myself that most of the scary things are highly unlikely. Most are also things that would suck, but both baby and mom can overcome (example: preterm labor after passing a major viability milestone). I know lots of people who were born early and are perfectly fine. My mom was 6 weeks early and actually didn't spend any time in the NICU.

spatter1 · January 2016

@fbanke42 yes I try to remind myself of hose things too. Easier some days than others but now that I can feel her move it's gotten a lot easier to be confident!

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