- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
HepCat
member
MC Yesterday (rambly...processing)
HepCat
member
Hi all,
Yesterday, I had a miscarriage. It was my third pregnancy (my first two resulted in DS - almost 5 and DD - 2). I was just over 5 weeks along and I have been going through a huge roller coaster in the past 24 hours. While I know every pregnancy is different, this one felt a lot different than my first two. For some reason, despite the fact that I only had my pregnancy confirmed for a little over a week, I hadn't really allowed myself to believe it was true. I'll never know if I felt that way because of the idea of adding #3 to the mix (which we were excited about, but also meant being out numbered, sharing bedrooms, etc.) or if it was because I just "had a feeling". Yesterday, after a lovely and memorable outing with DS, I came home and found out I was bleeding. I spoke with my midwife (whom I hadn't even had an appointment with yet) who confirmed that I was having a miscarriage and gave me further instructions.
I honestly feel so lost, but also then feel guilty because I know that I am still fortunate. My bleeding has nearly entirely stopped, I still have a lovely husband and supportive children. I feel like this means I don't have a right to feel grief or anger, which I know is also ridiculous. One minute I'm fine, and I feel like I can easily recover from this, and the next minute I'm sobbing uncontrollably. On the one hand, I feel a bit relieved that I never had an ultrasound, or even heard the heartbeat, on the other, I wish I had *something* to hold on to other than a picture of a used pregnancy test. Even though the time was short, I was still pregnant, that was still my baby and now there is nothing.
What do I do now with people? Do I open up and tell them so they understand why I just start crying for no reason? Do I just suck it up and act like nothing happened? I hate that the great memory I made yesterday with my son (an annual outing to see the Nutcracker) may always be associated with this loss - even on future trips. I both hate and am proud of the fact that today I just carried on - wrapped presents, delivered our Christmas cookies to neighbors - and only broke down when I was alone. How do I make this loss a part of me and grow stronger from it? How can I incorporate the remembrance of this precious soul into my life? How do I grieve something that was still a tightly kept secret? I just don't know.
Thank you, dear internet strangers, for listening. The last thing I want to do now, two days before the holidays is bum out my close friends with "Merry Christmas, by the way, I was pregnant and lost it and now I'm a mess".
Yesterday, I had a miscarriage. It was my third pregnancy (my first two resulted in DS - almost 5 and DD - 2). I was just over 5 weeks along and I have been going through a huge roller coaster in the past 24 hours. While I know every pregnancy is different, this one felt a lot different than my first two. For some reason, despite the fact that I only had my pregnancy confirmed for a little over a week, I hadn't really allowed myself to believe it was true. I'll never know if I felt that way because of the idea of adding #3 to the mix (which we were excited about, but also meant being out numbered, sharing bedrooms, etc.) or if it was because I just "had a feeling". Yesterday, after a lovely and memorable outing with DS, I came home and found out I was bleeding. I spoke with my midwife (whom I hadn't even had an appointment with yet) who confirmed that I was having a miscarriage and gave me further instructions.
I honestly feel so lost, but also then feel guilty because I know that I am still fortunate. My bleeding has nearly entirely stopped, I still have a lovely husband and supportive children. I feel like this means I don't have a right to feel grief or anger, which I know is also ridiculous. One minute I'm fine, and I feel like I can easily recover from this, and the next minute I'm sobbing uncontrollably. On the one hand, I feel a bit relieved that I never had an ultrasound, or even heard the heartbeat, on the other, I wish I had *something* to hold on to other than a picture of a used pregnancy test. Even though the time was short, I was still pregnant, that was still my baby and now there is nothing.
What do I do now with people? Do I open up and tell them so they understand why I just start crying for no reason? Do I just suck it up and act like nothing happened? I hate that the great memory I made yesterday with my son (an annual outing to see the Nutcracker) may always be associated with this loss - even on future trips. I both hate and am proud of the fact that today I just carried on - wrapped presents, delivered our Christmas cookies to neighbors - and only broke down when I was alone. How do I make this loss a part of me and grow stronger from it? How can I incorporate the remembrance of this precious soul into my life? How do I grieve something that was still a tightly kept secret? I just don't know.
Thank you, dear internet strangers, for listening. The last thing I want to do now, two days before the holidays is bum out my close friends with "Merry Christmas, by the way, I was pregnant and lost it and now I'm a mess".
Re: MC Yesterday (rambly...processing)
DS1 -- 9/30/2016
I relate to you saying this pregnancy felt different. My first pregnancy resulted in DD almost 2, and it was symptom after symptom after symptom. This one was worlds different. I was beyond excited but never felt "pregnant" since my last experience was so different. That's adding to the confusion and mix of emotions.
I'm trying to carry on and continue life as normal, but it's hard. All the hugs.
AmMcc12 - we seem to be in a similar boat. Only DH and I knew, and had only known for a week before the MC. When I've been out, and a clerk or random person asks "how are you?" out of politeness, I find myself biting back the honest answer - "I lost a baby, and I'm devastated". Telling friends of my loss, when I never told them of my pregnancy feels weird, but I think I'm going to take a pp's advice and tell a few very close friends.
MamaOlive - Yes on the symptom front. I can't remember exactly when everything hit with my earlier pregnancies. My breasts were more tender, and I was starting to get nauseous if I didn't eat small, frequent meals, but other things were absent...silly, stupid things like with my first two pregnancies, I had an evening right before my BFP where I could not stay awake - this time it wasn't the same. I just figured this pregnancy would be different, but this wasn't the way I had in mind:(
I have an almost 5 yr old and 2 yr old too so I have tried to just focus on them and soak up their joy and energy. At first I also felt guilty for being so devestated and knocked down by this since I have an amazing family but now I realize a loss is loss and have given myself space to grieve and overcome the loss.. Hang in there and I hope you can enjoy some time with your kiddos and family for the holidays. Again so sorry for your loss.
For me, I don't really feel like opening up to anyone IRL... I don't want to invite hurtful comments right now when it's all still so raw. We'll see how I feel a few weeks or months from now. Everyone is different though, and you should trust your instincts about what feels right for you.