In the delivery room..

ekscopp · December 2015

My husband caught me off guard saying it was up to his 19 and 14 year old daughters if they wanted to be in the room. I thought my head was going to explode. I mean I'm happy they are excited for their little brother or sister but that doesn't mean they need to be there watching me labor and seeing me at my most vulnerable. When I tried to talk to him calmly about this he said they asked and that I was being a bitch and selfish saying I didn't want them there. I really wanted my mom there while I was laboring bc we are extremely close but I don't want anyone there for the actual birth. So now my husband is saying that if his kids can't be there while I'm laboring neither can my mom. Am I wrong that I am so pissed about this? I'm so upset that this is turning into such drama. I mean it's my body and I'm the one going through all the pain and exposure. It should 100% be up to me, no?? (I probably should also mention that his girls and I are not super close. They have caused a lot of drama in the past and aren't the most respectful kids.) How should I handle this? Help!!!

BarrettJ89 · December 2015

Absolutely not! I'm on your side for this one. Giving birth is an extremely vulnerable and personal situation. Nobody should have any say about who witnesses that but YOU. It is YOUR body that is being exposed. I completely understand wanting to involve his daughters, but there have to be other ways to do so. And for being selfish, if there is ever a situation where you have every right to be, this would be it.
Maybe I'm the bitch, but I'd ask him to flip the situation. If he was pushing a watermelon out of his ding dong, would he be comfortable with his daughters watching?!

Ebiejay · December 2015

BarrettJ89 said:

Absolutely not! I'm on your side for this one. Giving birth is an extremely vulnerable and personal situation. Nobody should have any say about who witnesses that but YOU. It is YOUR body that is being exposed. I completely understand wanting to involve his daughters, but there have to be other ways to do so. And for being selfish, if there is ever a situation where you have every right to be, this would be it. Maybe I'm the bitch, but I'd ask him to flip the situation. If he was pushing a watermelon out of his ding dong, would he be comfortable with his daughters watching?!

I second all of this. It's your decision, and he needs to get on board with that. It's horrible of him to call you selfish for not wanting certain people to see you in this position. I hope you can convince him to agree with you without any arguing. But if you have to, have the nurses ban anyone you don't want there. And how exactly is he going to stop your mom, if you want her there?

JmadC · December 2015

I am so sorry your family is putting you in this position at all! How is he ok with calling his wife selfish when he's the one imposing his daughters feelings over your own?

Maybe this is just my ragey hormones talking here, but the first time my husband ever called me a bitch he'd need his jaw reassembled with wire and would be having his next meal through a straw.

He doesn't have the right to dictate who watches you put your body through this. Stand your ground here, mom. Make it clear to him that right now you two need to be a team that is focused solely on what is best for the baby and for you, medically, emotionally, etc. I'm hoping with everything in me that he has the ability to put aside his pride for two seconds and realize the birthing process isn't exactly the best setting for a freakin family reunion.

And if he's going to be petty enough to try to deny you the comfort of having your mother with you while you are in labor, maybe he'd like to wait in the waiting room with his daughters instead.

But again... I'm kinda ragey these days.

Edited to add: @Ebiejay is absolutely right. You can have anyone barred from the room who makes you uncomfortable. If nothing else, exercise that right and deal with the fallout later. You and baby come first here!!!

fishsticks-n-custard · December 2015

Ask him if they're allowed in his next colonoscopy. No? Then shut up.

Seriously, my husband said the decision of who is there and not there is up to me. I feel like that's the only proper answer to this issue.

GAgirlinSDakota · December 2015

Remind his selfish ass that YOU are the patient, and YOU are the only one who decides who is in the room. Hell, it is only by your grace/permission that HE gets to be there. It's your body on display, so if you need your mom, you get your mom. Make sure the nurses know exactly what YOU want, and he can take a long walk off a short pier.

ekscopp · December 2015

Thank you ladies for your comments. I know that I can be a bitch so I was making sure I wasn't being overly irrational and hormonal over this. I'm secretly hoping it happens in the middle of the night or at another really inappropriate time for them to come. I just know they'll say something snotty and I will snap and it will cause a ton more drama. I just am still at a loss of how to make him see my side of it though. I couldn't be more upset that this is all coming out 4 weeks before my due date. Men are so dumb sometimes!!!!!

Monilee1017 · December 2015

I understand you not wanting them there during the actually birth but can they be there beforehand? Make them spend most of the time in the waiting room but let them come in now and then. I only wanted DH in the room when I delievered my DS but I had multiple people come in before the birth. I think letting them come in for 5 minutes here and there would be a good compromise.

adcc43 · December 2015

I am 100% on your side as well. You should put some of it back on him saying that he isn't thinking about YOU at all and that this is a time that you need to be comfortable and able to focus. Tell him that they can visit for a little while in the very beginning and then not come back until the baby is born. Let him know that they can stay as long as they want after the baby bc that is the most important time as a family anyway. Let him know that he has to compromise as well. Good luck!

UptownPearl · December 2015

When he pushes a human being out of his body he gets to call the shots. Until then he can just be supportive of you and your needs. I don't know about your hospital, but we were told in birthing classes that only the mom makes the decision as to who is in the room. If she says no to someone being in there the nurses will keep them out. It's so unreasonable for him to say that it's a packaged deal, you choose your support system for YOUR birth. Men that don't understand that just make my blood boil.

cammiedeeann · December 2015

A woman giving birth is the equivalent to a man passing a kidney stone the size of a TENNIS BALL. I'd vividly describe that situation and then ask if he would want his daughters present to see him experience that... I doubt an honest answer to that could ever be yes.

I firmly believe that the birth of your child lays the groundwork for how things will proceed afterwards... I'd stand my ground on this issue-- there are other important ways that his girls can be included without trampling on the feelings of mom and baby.

ChrissyD1203 · December 2015

For an opinion question, I feel like this is as close to black and white as they come. He is being ridiculous. Tell him to talk to someone else about it, that way a neutral third party can tell him he is crazy.

narissa2013 · December 2015

I obviously agree with everyone. Im also surprised the girls want to be there. I feel like they wouldnt last. My best friend asked me to be in the room with her and by the time it really got going, i was wishing i could just close my eyes and run out. And i was 30 years old. IMO It's really hard to watch someone be in that much pain.
Hope your DH comes to his senses.

EvaD84 · December 2015

Ur mum has seen ur vagina b4 and delivered u. Ur stepdaughters didn't so the fact ur mum being in labor room is for the physical emotional support that she experienced delivering u...

Ur stepdaughters being in the room is just for show, they have no experience delivering a baby and end of the day the only people in the labor room should be people experienced in delivering babies and providing that support....

If i were u i'd tell the hubby he has no right to call me a bitch because its not upto his daughters to dictate if they can be in the labor room or not as that is a private vulnerable moment i am going thru thats not for cinema or other peoples benefit... I need to focus and i can't do that with his 2 daughters there

Him saying if his girls cant be there then ur mum can't is him being immature. He should know the relationship u have with ur mum is different and she will know what ur going thru...

When the time comes, u can always say to nurse u need ur mum in the room and if hubby says no the girls must be in too u can say no but then u will likely end up in a fight

The fact ur hubby called u a bitch is inexcusable

TifVB · December 2015

1st of all did he really call you a bitch?!?
That would have been enough for me...so disrespectful.
I hope that he pulls his head out of his ass and apologizes for being the actual "bitch".

essentialpeace · December 2015

JmadC said:

Maybe this is just my ragey hormones talking here, but the first time my husband ever called me a bitch he'd need his jaw reassembled with wire and would be having his next meal through a straw.!!

Exactly! Ridiculous.

ETA posted before writing

EvaD84 · December 2015

I just can't believe how many women here have to deal with this issue from their hubby and their families...

Delivering a baby is not like a porn video where its ok for whoever to demand watching u physically deliver a baby and be half naked and no husband or his family member should be making the decision for u...

If i were in the same situation i would simply say "i'm not putting on a show. This is a private moment".

I'm tempted to demand the next time those family members have an operation, that you are to be there in the room watching everything happen, i'm sure they'd withdraw their request to be in labor room with u when u are busy pushing a baby out...

lillianspencer15 · December 2015

I would tell him to kiss my ass and not let him in the room either since we're calling people bitches

EC2016 · December 2015

I don't think there is ever an appropriate time for your husband to call you a bitch, even if you are being one. But on this issue I think you are being reasonable. You are the one giving birth and it's up to you who gets to be there as your support system. I'd offer for his daughters to visit after the baby is born. I don't see why they need to be there for the actual birth anyway. It's not a pleasant sight really. I hope you are able to talk to him about this without him getting defensive. I'd make it more about your comfort and less about his kids and whatever history you guys may have and hopefully he will be more receptive.

BabyBoyH2016 · December 2015

Oh boy!!!!!!! Better you than me. I am so anxious and irritable these days that I probably would have banned him from the hospital on my next visit to my OBGYN. For him to call you a bitch and to describe you as selfish for not wanting your teenage step daughters to be present when you deliver a baby is RIDICULOUS. I actually reread your original post twice to make sure that I read it properly. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. You are the patient, it's your body and ultimately up to you who you wish to have in the delivery room. Good luck! I hope he smartens up.

bbrownlee1 · December 2015

I wonder if you explained that it is not that you do not want them to be there and be excited about their sibling but that you are not completely comfortable with them in the delivery room. Maybe offer that you would love for them to be in the waiting room and ensure that no one else is allowed to see the baby (other than grandma since she is supporting you) until the sisters have been able to meet him/her. Then they are a priority but not there while you are exposed, in pain and struggling to keep focus without additional distractions. I've already told my family that no one enters until our 5 yr old gets to meet her brother. So if they are waiting then I'm very sorry but she gets first dibs and they may want to contact who ever has her to see about getting her there quick

Smoochie789 · December 2015

I totally balked at the first sentence you wrote, and had to re-read it again to make sure I was reading it right! Absolutely you are in the right to choose who is there and is not. I am only having my husband there and he knows only I get to make that decision. I also happen to work at the hospital that I am delivering at, so I can say as the patient, you have the right to choose who gets to stay and who doesn't... So if worst comes to worst, you can tell the nurses that the only person you want in your room is your mom and husband (or not him at all if you are unable to come to an agreement with him) and the nurses will respect those wishes. They are your biggest advocates, and will help you with that, because trust me, I'm sure they've seen scenarios similar to this many times. I'm sorry he's putting you through this, he really should be supporting you, not dictating who you have to let in the room

. Remember, you're not a source of entertainment or a circus show! Stand strong, I wish you every bit of luck in getting him to understand your position and agreeing with you.

Kteems11 · December 2015

You deserve to have labor exactly as you want. It's very unfair for your husband to act like that! But I would send him for a drink and tell your nurses you only want husband there. Let your nurses be the bad guy since you do have to go home with all of them! Plus your nurses are used to kicking people out! Hope it works out for you!

hes8668 · December 2015

There's no reason for him to call you a bitch! It is your delivery, you decide who gets to be a part of it or not. Not to mention, 14 seems a bit young to be there for a live birth? That's just my opinion. I don't really want anyone in the room with me while I deliver either, but I'm going to have my husband there.

I told my hubby that I don't even want him to start telling people that I'm in labor or anything until the baby is already here or something goes horribly wrong.

MamaHolland · December 2015

This right here!

"And if he's going to be petty enough to try to deny you the comfort of having your mother with you while you are in labor, maybe he'd like to wait in the waiting room with his daughters instead. "

He has lost his mind! You better put your foot down or you will never forgive yourself for compromising on this. If he is unable to be supportive & respectful then he can sit in the waiting room until he gets some sense.

It's so sad that we as pregnant women have to go through all this stress at such a delicate & special time during our life. These in laws are so inconsiderate. I never would've imagined that it was so common to deal with these type of issues when we are already dealing with hormones, aches/pains, anxiety of birth. It's just so overwhelming. I'm going through my own issues with intrusive in laws with boundary issues so I can empathize, it's easier said than done.

PedsIsHardcore · December 2015

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/dz/1xpdm1v85nbm.gif

This. If my SO had kids and they all pulled that crap, a) he would be a dead man because I am mean and pregnant, b) my vagina so I make the rules and c) I will make my nurses as well as security kick them out well before hand. I would be mad enough I wouldn't be sure I'd allow my SO at the birth if he did that. And no one would tell me I was wrong.

cbb722 · December 2015

Maybe limit to no family ? Good luck!

BabyBoyH2016 · December 2015

PedsIsHardcore said:

This. If my SO had kids and they all pulled that crap, a) he would be a dead man because I am mean and pregnant, b) my vagina so I make the rules and c) I will make my nurses as well as security kick them out well before hand. I would be mad enough I wouldn't be sure I'd allow my SO at the birth if he did that. And no one would tell me I was wrong.

^^^^^^^. What she said!!! I love this

!

l4rk · December 2015

I don't get why your husband thinks this is even somewhat negotiable. He's being an asshole.

LIly436 · December 2015

Do you think he thinks that watching you will prevent his daughters possible teen pregnancy? Bad thinking.
I would not let his daughters watch me at my most vulnerable for any reason

tripledaggerWed95976 · December 2015

In my opinion the one who is going to be spread eagle, trying to push something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon, should be the one who decides who is in and who is out. Also, Did his daughters already say they wanted to be there or is he saying he is going to give them the option? Im asking because I would think his teenage daughters would want to be as far from the delivery room as possible... I would be REALLY surprised that any teenage girl would want to see her stepmom give birth

danasphillips · December 2015

Calling your wife a bitch in any situation is NOT okay. My husband wouldn't be allowed back in the house until he apologized. And tell him when someone rips his penis in half to push out a grapefruit, he can decide who's in the room.

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