Keeping stress down, when big life things happen? [Parental fallout]

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

I wanted to ask for advice from other pregnant ladies on what you do to keep your stress levels down. Especially when dealing with actual serious problems in life. Many of us have normal everyday stress and I feel like thats almost to be expected with how we live these days, but what are you doing when something big goes on?

In my case.. I have been having a back and forth falling out with my parents for about 7 months now. Essentially I had to make the decision to stop allowing them to emotionally/verbally abuse me anymore because i decided that it was not what i wanted my child to know or see, and i am just totally done suffering through it and need to work on healing myself from the abuse now instead of having it continue into my own motherhood. My mother is just a mess and despite me giving her multiple attempts to treat me normally and be involved in my pregnancy, she has abused each of those chances and is making everything about her. She has went after my mother in law for buying us the nursery furniture, telling her it broke he heart. She freaked out of me for posting a picture of my belly on my own facebook, because she hasnt seen me in person so she felt like i showed my belly to the public before her. My girlfriends wanted to plan my baby shower, and everyone has had to hear how that decision "took it away from her''. This barely scratches the surface. Everyone and their mother has had to listen to her complain endlessly about her feelings and how hurt she is, she wants me to put her own feelings before my own. I think i am really finally at the point where i am ready to say, i am done. I am just so done with the past 26 years of her trying to manipulate and control me in ways that were horribly damaging, and I really cannot let my own daughter learn or see that behavior. The thing is, this is causing me immense stress. Other family members have come after me because they obviously dont understand and are only hearing my moms side. I am nervous about the shower, because shes now paying for half of it [not my decision, she essentially begged my mother in law to let her help pay] and if she does show up, it will be the first time she sees me and I do not believe she will behave herself. If she doesn't show up im going to have to hear it form every single guest wanting to know where she is. Either which way, her behavior is seriously effecting my ability to just enjoy my first pregnancy and is causing me what i believe borderlines on a dangerous amount of stress. This pregnancy was hard to obtain, it was a result of an IUI after my husband had colon cancer. We needed this, we wanted this baby more than anything in the world and we deserve to celebrate and enjoy it. Her selfishness and need to make this about her is really insane and has cause so much upheaveal.

So i am really wondering how you deal with your stress when big life changing things are going on during pregnancy. I have not been able to get back to yoga yet due to some medical issues but am hoping to do that as soon as possible.

HBamama2B · December 2015

I'm sorry you are going through this. I definitely understand why you're upset and struggling with the situation. Parents can be extremely difficult during their childrens' first pregnancy, even more so if the relationship was damaged to begin with.

What I've found most helpful: talk about it when you have to and forget about it when you don't. For instance, if I think about my mil and the things she's said or will say when I'm not actively talking to her I sing a song in my head until I'm able to think about something else. I do this after each negative event so that I don't carry it forward. There are other coping strategies that will help you localize the stress from the relationship such as walking, cooking, getting absorbed in a fun game or show.

Unfortunately, you can control the behavior of others, but you can focus on limiting its impact and not allowing it to bleed into your daily excitement of the pregnancy. It takes effort and time if the relationship has been going very badly as you mentioned, but you can get there. GL and I hope you are able to destress. It sounds like you have so much to celebrate! Congrats on your miracle LO!

catherinekate · December 2015

This is such a hard situation and you have my deepest sympathy and support. I have a terrible father who is emotionally and, at times, physically abusive and I've never been able to fully disconnect from him despite urging from my husband, friends and therapist. Family, even terrible family, can have a terrible hold over us. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all this stress.

In terms of stress/relaxation techniques, I highly recommend having someone impartial to talk to. I have a therapist and she's been invaluable in helping me regain some control over my feelings. Yoga, exercise, long walks, hobbies (knitting?), etc. are also great ways to unwind after a long day.

I second what @HBamama2B says--you can't control her behaviour so it's helpful to isolate or compartmentalize your mother as much as possible. Is there a way for DH to screen her calls or messages? (Email filter, block her phone number?) You deserve to enjoy this pregnancy, so maybe you could have your husband or another family member intervene and help you put up some barriers.

Keep us posted--stay well!

lm45678 · December 2015

So sorry you are going through this, especially during your pregnancy.

Your mom sounds a lot like my mother in law, so I can tell you how my husband deals. First, he wrote her a letter explaining why he cannot speak with her until she decides to change her ways- he said in the letter than whenever she doesn't understand why they're not talking to read it again. He also doesn't speak to his other family member about his relationship with his mother (other than his siblings).

He goes to therapy once a week, for a while he was on a low dose of Prozac he has since stopped. He exercises every single day, either takes a 5 mile walk or does yoga. When he is walking instead of listening to music he listens to podcasts (some are meditations, some are self help about people going through similar things).

It has been hard on him, for sure- but all of these things have made it so much easier. He felt, just like you did that our children will not be spoken to the way he was and that we get to chose who is in their life and that being in their life is a privilege, not a right.

I hope this helps and that things get better soon!

alysemci · December 2015

When I was pregnant with my son, my husband and I were caretakers and lived with my mother in law to take care of her. Her family was impossible and we took care of my husbands younger brother as well. She ended up passing away when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and it was a stressful, sad situation for all. I just tried to remember I was doing all I could and if something was out of my control then there's not much I could do to change it. Eventually you'll get through the other end even when it doesn't feel like it. Do what you can, let go of what you can't.

ETA- she had ALS so it was very emotional and difficult to watch and live with. In my opinion, it's one of the slowest, most horrible ways to die. God bless anyone who has to come face to face with that disease

Bee112309 · December 2015

When I was pregnant with my 2nd child, conceived after months of fertility treatments, I found out that she had a potentially fatal birth defect. The last 20 weeks of my pregnancy were incredibly stressful. I had a couple of really good friends that I could talk to about it, every ugly feeling and fear, and concentrated on all of the blessings I still had in my life. It definitely was not easy all the time, and sometimes I was just so stressed out and upset, no mater how hard I tried. I just did my best.

MDKC14 · December 2015

Having someone to talk to often to vent is always great. I also try to take 10 minutes of the day to just sit and relax and focus on my breathing. I keep all electronics out of the room and just focus on nothing but me. Sometimes it lasts longer than 10 minutes, just depends. Taking that time seems to really help me get through the rest of the day.

TwoBadMice · December 2015

We are going through a lot right now, we are trying to sell our house to move my MIL as she had Alzheimer's and con no longer live alone, but she dosent want to leaver her house which is 2 hours away from us. I hate being in a limbo state. I've been doing yoga and trying to find time to meditate. You should def try to find someone to talk to as others have said. Sometimes you just need impartial Guidence to help you navigate life. Also, when I find myself REALLY about to break down it helps to take a step back and remind myself that I've got a lot going on in me, hormones are crazy, stress is crazy with out any out side factors, and your growing a freaking life! Give yourself a break

BabyboyS2016 · December 2015

You might benefit from the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Daughters of Narcisstic Mothers. It sounds like your mother and my mother are twins. The book gives excellent advice and insight, not only about handling your mother but your fears surrounding raising your own daughter, and not perpetuating the cycle. Many prayers to you!

hellomommas · December 2015

OH my. That is tough. First, if you are worried about the baby as it relates to your stress...It is good to try to get the stress down and calm yourself for yours and the baby's sake--- but women face all kinds of horrible situations while pregnant and their babies are usually pretty sheltered and protected in there from all the crazy on the outside.

My dad died in a car accident when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with my first. It was an unavoidable stress. We had to deal with legal stuff, insurance stuff, financial stuff, selling his possessions/house, not to mention grieving this shocking death---It was INCREDIBLY stressful...and my beautiful boy just grew and grew inside and was a perfect little bundle when he came out.

Anyway, I went to counseling which helped A TON---It was like a massage for my heart every couple weeks. And I found a lot of love, support, listening ears at my church. Not sure if you are involved in one or have one nearby but truly, my church family was what got me through. (& God of course)

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

HBamama2B - I like your song technique! I can definitely try that one, because i do find myself just sitting here randomly getting super upset about it at random times. I do have a therapist and her and my husband always try to coach me through ''mindfulness" and realize that the situation is not happening RIGHT NOW and RIGHT NOW i am safe and no one is coming after me. It is definitely something i am trying to work on. Thanks for the kind words!

catherinekate Unfortuntely it is actually both of my parents, they really aided each others forms of emotional/verbal abuse however for some reason i have had a much much easier time disconnecting from my dad. He is much more straight forward in his opinions and just flat out says horrible wrong things about me, so its been easier to remove myself from that. Its my compassionate side that has a harder timer time listening to my mother proclaim her pain that i have ''caused''. For some reason its different and has been much harder. I do have a great therapist and she is very helpful but unfortunately once a week just isnt helping with my daily bouts of stress about it. I am really really hoping to get back to yoga. I have fibromyalgia and have constant bodily pain and it does do well for me, but ive been feeling a little too sick with pregnancy symptoms and fibro symptoms to get back there. Since im for all intents and purposes (except by the law) unoffically disabled i cant work or anything, hense why i have so much time to think. But it is like a real task for me to actually leave the house but i have slowly been feeling better as weeks have progressed, so i am thinking i will be back at yoga in a few weeks! I like the idea of taking walks and my dog would love that, not sure why i can never get myself up to do it, but im thinking of making myself a printed list of things to do when i am stressed so i can maybe reference it when i am struggling and hopefully that will prompt me to do these things more. I have a ton of baby things that need sewing but i sewed a tree skirt a few days ago and it took me 3 days to recover from the pain it caused me from kneeling on the floor to pin and then bending over to sew, so i need to get myself a better set up for sewing so im not hurting my back. I am thinking about blocking her on facebook [if i dont answer my phone, she willl just message me there] and her emails are now blocked. The phone is harder, i have an android and as far as i know it doesnt have the block feature like the iphones do =(

laurenm2123 - I have tried to write her an explaination but she absolutely cannot hear it. She hears none of what i say and fills in words that arent there. If either of us do get any kind of a message to her that SHE is doing some kind of hurting, she says things to the effect up "'Why would you try and make me feel guilty when you already know im so upset'' and nonsense like that. Its a constant blame game. When i tried to explain to her months and months ago that i am still ''triggered'' by my dad screaming at me, she told me that i just dont truly know him or that im forgetting all the good things he did for me. [Again dismissive, taking blame off her/them] No because living with the man for like 23 years and having him scream at me every single day of those years, didnt give me a chance to ''know'' him. - I do to go the therapist weekly as well. Cant be on meds cause of pregnancy [normally am on Xanex as needed]. I am not too too familiar with podcasts, i know what they are but dont know how to search for ones realtive. By any chance do you know of any of the people your husband likes to listen to? But over all it is nice to hear that other people are making these choices for their families!

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

alysemciver I have definitely tried to remember that. Especially when i get worried about the shower. I cant control people one way or another, only myself and there isnt anything i can do to change however they choose to react. Thank you! and im sorry for your situation with your MIL from what i understand of ALS is just horrible. =(

MDKC14 Definitely something I could work on, turning off the electronics and giving myself some time away from them. I usually just use them to distract me

TwoBadMice "'..your growing a freaking life! Give yourself a break'' Youre right! Very true. Thanks

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

shannonrnbsn I just bought Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, but this one seems like its worth reading as well! I will definitely check it out! Thank you!

babyweber3 Wow, that must have been really difficult, i cant imagine. Its nice to hear that your baby turned out just fine though

I read that it could potentially make the babies more irritable and potentially have somewhat of a lasting effect on them, but im sure thats not 100% of the time. I belong to a different religion and my ''church'' doesnt offer a support group. However, I was recently invited to a womens sharing circle with a group of woman who i absolutely dont know at all, so maybe that will be something i explore! Thanks!

jmohio · December 2015

Your mum and mine sound like they could be related. My mum has always "constructively criticized" me as she likes to call it, and it is outright heartbreaking. She always has something to say about what I wear, what my hair looks like (comment at thanksgiving was omg you need to find a good stylist you look terrible). My mum and sister actually tried to sabotage my wedding, my told me to calm down and go get everything done that I needed to the day before the wedding and she would finish setting up the venue she knew what I wanted done. I got a call about 5 minutes after I left from my MOH and Husband saying she left to have a drink with my aunts, then don't get me started on the day of stuff they "lost" my marriage license on the way to the church. My wedding couldn't be better than my mum's or sister's. I haven't spoken to my mother since the wedding.

We recently tried to patch things up since I am pregnant and all that did was disappoint me again. She was excited (so I thought) when we told her but my brother and his wife announced the day before I did and the conversations were all about their third and how exciting it was to have 3 (since my sister does too). She hasn't called since we announced and I spoke with my brother and found out she calls him just about daily. Last week my SIL had a miscarriage so as expected (and I am not mad about) things have been about her safety as she didn't naturally pass the baby. I called my mum a few days after everything was settled with my SIL and we knew she was safe to tell my mum about my 12 week appointment and that everything was looking good, she just said "oh that's good... have you spoke to your brother?"

One of the hardest things you will ever have to do in life is give up on a parent. I cried for months because my mum and I used to be close despite the negativity all the time, I was able to just say "well that's the way she is" and it made it easier to deal with. I cried to my husband the other night because I don't want to end up like her I told him if I ever "constructively criticize" our child to set me straight and not allow me to do it. Sometimes it is better to walk away and show them that you are not going to put up with it anymore and that you need them to respect you. I am sure by the time baby is born she will come around and act appropriately. As hard as it is imagine your child feeling the same pain you do right now... It is easy to say don't sweat it, don't stress but that isn't possible if you are a caring person. But remember this what you are doing and standing your ground is the best thing for your child!!!! It will work itself out and when it does you will be thankful you went through this time because things will be better you will have your mom and dad around and they will be supportive.

We moved about 450 miles away from my mum and my MIL

it helps!!!!! haha

lm45678 · December 2015

Just asked my husband about the podcasts and they are Dear Sugars and Tara Brach.

Hope that helps!

PressLove · December 2015

As someone with a strained relationship with my mother, I know exactly where you are. It sounds like you're taking the right steps, you're putting yourself first and you have someone to talk to.

Counseling sounds like a great idea. Also, prenatal pilates and yoga are great stress relievers for me.

There was a time that I cut my mother off. My family had all things to say about it. Ultimately, I told them it was best for me and they could keep their opinions to themselves. I still invite her to family events and prepare myself mentally for anything that may happen. Also, I have a deal with close family members (spouse, siblings, etc,) to help keep her in check as much as possible. I literally assigned her a chaperone at my wedding.

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

jmohio Wow they really do! Mine let me get away with what i wanted for my wedding at the time, but has throw in it in my face as some kind of imaginary leverage many times since then. She always says ''well we let you have your wedding how you wanted it'' as if i should ignore any bad things they do because they were NOT assholes about me having an non-traditional wedding? Im sorry, but you do not get credit for NOT being an asshole! The favoritism with your Brother and SIL is just weird! Me and my SIL got pregnant at the same time, and im actually super grateful that its on my husbands side so i dont have to listen to any of that cause that sounds like just unnecessary. Each pregnancy is its own special and deserves the same respect. But yes i agree with everything you said in your last paragraph, its horrifically horrible but it IS whats best for my daughter. Especially since i feel like my mother is repeating her own mother, I definitely will not continue on that cycle. It breaks with me, whatever it takes. I am not going to breed another woman who is like me and my mother, they have done so much damage to me and even though i realize it now, its not like I can just change 100% over night how i feel on the inside, but i can absolutely treat my daughter much much differently. Its like i got a free blue print on how not to parent.

@laurenm2123 Thank you, i will totally check them out!

@PressLove Id really like to find an exculsive prenatal yoga/pilates. But right now and trying to get back to just a gentle yoga class which doesn mention being good for pregnant women. - As far as family and their things to say. It was strange because originally my aunt was being the peace maker and my mother could ask my aunt to ask me things, or my aunt could try to gently understand why i was doing what i was doing. But then last week when my mom lost her mind again, my aunt flipped to her side too and freaked out on me as well. My dad has always been on team mom since the day i was born, (i can literally remember the 1 and only time he stuck up for me cause it was so monumental). So im pretty much just sticking with my husbands family for now, and friends. I do wish that the rest of the family could stay neutral but its one of those things that the person who cries the loudest is the one being heard, and i refuse to freak out to the degree that my mother does and involve everyone in it. When i'm super upset, i talk to my hubsband, my therapist, or sometimes strangers on the internet! (which is surprising the most helpful!) But my mother calls everyone hysterical crying, goes over then neighbors house unannounced, etc and goes CHLOOEE BROKKEE MY HEARTT AGAIINNN and tells them how horrible and cruel i am. So i absolutely cannot morally stoop to that level, so I just choose to let everyone be against me cause i am so not playing that game. If they want to kindly ask me for an explaination, I would gladly give a very calm and well thought out one. But i am not doing what my mom does. Nope. I would prefer that none of them show up to my shower, than have to act that way.

almostpriceless · December 2015

First, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Second, I know exactly how you feel. Reading your post made me feel like you were describing my own mother.

I know it's not easy for some people, but the only thing that has ever worked for me has been to cut my mother off completely. In some way I feel like this taught her a lesson that basically said "This is my life with my husband and our children, period. You don't get a say in anything, and when it comes to what my husband and I think is best for our girls then please understand that your feeling might not be relevant." My mother isn't the kind of person that can be reasoned with, so she really left us with no choice but to explain this to her with actions. We didn't speak or even see one another for almost 2 years. I feel like it was the best thing I ever did for myself and my kids. It was very hard, and there were many tears cried on my husbands chest, but when you fast forward to present day, she knows where the boundaries are when it comes to my life, home and family.

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

almostpriceless That is really good to hear, because it does seem like you are essentially 2 years ahead of me in this journey. I very strongly feel that the best thing IS to cut her off completely until she gets the point, or indefinitely. I am more than happy to consider allowing her a place in our lives if she is going to get that her feelings and her wants and needs have absolutely no bearing on how we live our lives or raise our children. If she could understand that and take what she gets, she would be much happier. But this last round i gave her an option to ease into a relationship, and said i was only comfortable starting with texting and we would seee how the coommunication went. She flipped her lid and freaked out on me about these circumstances, less than 3 weeks later. Citing things such as having "broken all the eggshells she was walking on'' and how this behavoir is ''very cruel''. When me, as the pregnant person, said that i needed to ease into it because i wanted to keep the stress under control. I am not doing anything on her timeline, and if shes going to freak out because im not moving fast enough for her, then thats fine, she can have nothing then. Its not optional, its not oh you flipped out and involved the whole family again because you wanted me to be comfortable faster than i was ready to? sure let me give you what you want and be horribly uncomfortable and stressed just so you feel better! no. just no.

almostpriceless · December 2015

She is sounding more and more like my mother. The idea of cutting your mother out of your life sounds totally insane to most people, but I totally understand how you feel. It's hard to make the decision to close that door completely and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that there is a sense of sadness that you feel in the back of your mind. However, the sense of liberation that I felt was always greater than the sadness. I'd also suggest that you find a good therapist because it helps immensely.

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

I really do like my therapist and i think shes good, but i do think that this greater issue here isnt being super dealt with in therapy. I think part of the issue is that because its been so many ''things'' going on, we are constantly dealing with like.. how do we handle this exact situation, instead of the bigger issue because unfortunately its more pressing than the bigger issue. We did realize some time ago, [after i really devastating best friend break up in which my best friend literally disappeared from my life one day, blocked me on all social media and to this day has never communicated with me as to what happened.] that i am suffering from a general ''abandonment'' issue which seems to be emotional abandonment and said ex best friend essentially filled the voids making the end of that so horribly devastating. So it seems like every few weeks we bring it up but say we are going to talk about this next and then like something happens. So i am thinking i am actually going to create a sheet for myself that mentions the abandonment issue as a whole, the emotional abuse from both of my parents, the narcissistic parenting thing, a question of PTSD in reference to a lot of my usual daily habit that may have to do with my parents, and a few other things that i feel are all relative to this and see where we can go with that having it more comprehensive and sort of put together and hoping that we can work some of that out hopefully in the next 6 months before baby gets here, or atleast make some progress with it.

alysemci · December 2015

I just wanted to add, I really appreciate and admire you taking the time to individually read and respond to every single person who had reached out to you. It's impressive and you seem to have such great character from your responses and empathy to others! Your mother seems to be missing out on a great person

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

alysemciver said:

I just wanted to add, I really appreciate and admire you taking the time to individually read and respond to every single person who had reached out to you. It's impressive and you seem to have such great character from your responses and empathy to others! Your mother seems to be missing out on a great person

Aww, thank you, I seriously appreciate that! I am really big on being kind and helping one another to be honest. I dont think life is any kind of a competition, I think if you can be kind to another person, you should. I really appreciate and am grateful to anyone taking a moment out to share their situation with me and it honestly does make me feel less alone hearing about others who have such similar circumstances. There is no one im my immediate life who truly has gone through exactly this and its one of the most life changing decisions ive had to go through, so its really priceless to me that anyone is giving me their time to offer me any advice. Ive honestly gotten some great ideas from posts here, and also from another post i posted in another group elsewhere on the internet a few weeks ago. I really feel like im getting to the bottom of some information i was unaware of before and i think will be priceless to me as i become a parent.

redheadbride15 · December 2015

I don't have any personal experience with this, but I love someone very much who does: my husband's mother was emotionally and physically abusive. Over the years I've seen how he has struggled and generally been successful at disconnecting from that toxic influence on his life. Therapy was definitely helpful. So was moving hundreds of miles away. He limits his contact with her to the bare minimum, and when he does talk to her it is only via email or text. We do not send Christmas cards or presents. We do not visit or invite her to visit. She does not know about this pregnancy, but we know she'll learn at some point and I think DH is dreading the possibility that bringing a grandchild into the picture will entice her to want to visit. We've been discussing how to say "no" to her in case this comes up. It's complicated by the fact that his two siblings still have a relationship with her (for better or for worse), and he wants to maintain a relationship with them. Right now he's working on trying to explain to them why he and his mother are estranged. This has been very difficult.

My main advice is to stay strong and stay true to yourself. You've clearly started this process, but be patient and persistent - it can take years to sort through. Talk out your feelings frequently. Accept them and do your best to address them. But remember above all else that you deserve to keep toxic people out of your life and your baby's life. Best wishes!

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

redheadbride15 Thank you! I dont have siblings but I can definitely empathize with your husbands situation. Its been very hard seeing my aunt and other family members flip to my mothers side and even my husband is not 110% on board. Hes now recently understanding very much and is fully in support of me, but he still holds on to the idea of family being together and its very hard for him to realize he too may have to lose my parents which were very much like a second set of parents to him especially since his father passed away when he was a late teen. But i think its been good for us in some ways because i have had to open up to him about the emotional abuse in a way that i probably never ever have. I don't know that i ever told anyone the things my parents did to me growing up, so i feel its been helpful in him understanding my wants to work through this before we raise our own child. For a while a few months back, I was seriously into moving about 8 hours away, i have a few friends out there and love the area. I even went into looking to see if my husband could transfer to a different union and continue his same job. However, The price cut he would take paired with moving away from the good family made it an impossible reality. I too am dreading her actions when my daughter arrives, i fear she may show up at our house or at the hospital uninvited which is definitely the downside of living close, because she will absolutely be denied a visit as well. Thank you for your advice!

almostpriceless · December 2015

I feel like you're really doing the best you can and that you just need to work towards standing your ground when it comes to what you want from you mother, even if it's nothing at all. A lot of people would be a blubbering mess in your situation, but I'm tipping my hat to you for keeping it together.

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

almostpriceless Thank you! I think its cause I do really well with like answers and explanations and reasons. Its uncertainly that makes me crumble. so im feeling a lot more empowered having come across some real answers and descriptions and knowing that this is so much more common than i ever thought. Its also nice to really feel more and more confident that i am making the right choice. I went to a store this morning that my mom frequents and i was looking over my shoulder the whole time, but i still managed to take my time and get done what i needed to get done. I think its just going to be a process and im hoping i can keep the stress at bay. Ive been doing okay for a few days stress wise, essentially stress will kick up next time she causes a big unrest and I hope each time that happens ill just be able to care less each time.

redheadbride15 · December 2015

Hey by the way @TheHauntedHauswife, we're due date buddies!

I'm glad you're being open with your DH and he's supporting you. It took me a while to accept that for my husband too, because I've always had a great relationship with my family and really wanted that for him too, but after a while I learned to shut my mouth and tell him "I get it. You get to call the shots here."

Best wishes!

lolonvive · December 2015

I didnt get to read all the comments but since you mentioned liking yoga I might suggest swimming. If you have a pool at the local gym or community center, swimming laps is great for reducing stress, spending some alone time, and clearing your mind of all things. I try to swim at least once a week, especially since I've been pregnant and too tired for my normal workout, swimming at my own pace keeps me active while also reducing stress and helping me carve out some me time.

Sorry you're struggling. Hope you find some peace, quiet, and relaxation soon!

june2016baby · December 2015

I don't have a similar mother. However, I had a very difficult time with mine as a teen. She micromanaged my EVERY move. She wouldn't let me own a cd unless she looked at all the lyrics (and I'm not sure let me actually keep any of them,) she did both weekly and "surprise" room inspections to hunt for whatever. She listened in on phone calls, she did odd things like confiscate any bras or underwear that weren't plain, she refused to let me dress normal, and she watched my every move like she was my personal private detective. She also constantlay accused me of random things. Sometimes I fantasized about killing her. (I only wish that was a joke.) I coped by getting perfect grades and trying my best to not do anything "wrong."

After college she told me I wasn't "allowed" to move out! LOL! Obviously, nothing could have stopped me. So when I moved out, she was hurt I never called her. I was just relieved to be out of jail. I actually looked her in the eyes and told her that she would NEVER be in charge of me again. She sees my kids a lot, and I don't hesitate to look her in the eye and say bluntly, "I'm in charge, and you are NOT." She has struggled a lot with this, but had decided to back down, admitting defeat. If she didn't, I would have cut her off.

What I am saying, is that your mom needs to realize that she no longer has the power, you do! Your mom tries to control you and others, but I do think you're right for wanting to end it. Tell her your terms, and be blunt that if she can't accept this, your relationship will end.

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

redheadbride15 Aww yay! Though i totally have some weird mama instinct that baby is coming in May. I think my DH just finally got to that same place. It was hard for a while for him but i think she has finally done enough crazy things that even he sees how bad it is!

lolonvive It is my DREAM to have a pool i could use! I cant handle cold pools due to my Fibromyalgia. But if i could find a heated pool i could use whenever i wanted to, i absolutely would! Im a huge water baby and love the rare chance to get into a pool. Maybe i will try to look into it further and see if any options surface.

june2016baby My mother did some of that in high school. She would go into my computer and emails but try to be sneaky about it. Hair could be dark brown but not black. Clothes could be some black but not ALL black (yeah that worked out well... i own almost nothing of color now.). She would make me change screenames or profiles if she didnt like them. So i can still definitely relate to that. She too gave me a pretty hard time about moving out and tried to guilt me and my husband amount it on multiple occasions. Saying pretty much exactly that bluntly is definitely the next step if this picks up again. [Which im sure it will because i cut her off again so im just currently ignoring her]. I do think it could be somewhat helpful to say those things exactly next time around. Its going to be, '' if you ever want to see this baby, these are my rules, and i am in charge, if you cant accept them, then you are cut off, non negotiable.' but honestly i would prefer she just be out of the picture at this point.

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

If anyone who was following this was interested in an update of any sort. I decided i am going to open up to my family about the emotional abuse my parents inflicted upon me. Not to try and get them to flip sides, but to simply state a true and sincere reasoning for ''why i am doing this''. Hopefully at least it will give me a shot at not losing everyone because my mother cried wolf and i stayed silent. I realize it may not go over well, and i realize they may act just as my parents would. But i sent out a message starting with my aunt, that basically said i am willing to let you into whats going on,if you are willing to truly listen and suspend your beliefs on what you think this is about. That i will talk and explain, but i will not accept my aunt being any kind of a stand in for anyone's feelings but her own and if i feel she is doing any of the same things my parents do, such as ''yeah but your dad is this way because XYZ or shes just doing this because shes hurt" blah blah blah. I am going to end the conversation and walk out of the house with no further discussion, and my aunt 100% agreed to all i asked without any concern. So.. wish me luck?

PressLove · December 2015

@TheHauntedHauswife- Kudos on taking control of the situation and reaching out to your aunt. I applaud the fact that no matter the outcome, you already have a plan to move forward. Good luck! It sounds like your future will be much happier than your past.

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

@PressLove Thanks! I was avoiding it because i didnt want it to be like a she said but she said kinda dramatic thing where it looked like i was trying to drag them to my side. So ive decided the way im approaching this is something i can live with because like you said, the outcome really doesnt matter. Im just giving an opportunity to understand, which MAY make my life a little easier if atleast someone on the opposite side could understand. but if they cant, nothing gained nothing lost.

PBear93 · December 2015

@TheHauntedHauswife just wanted to add a little about heated pools. Some YMCAs tend to hear their pools more because they have water arobics and other classes designed for the elderly so they heat the pool more. Also, some fitness centers are starting to team up with hospitals/health groups and will have smaller heated lap pools. It might be worth calling around or searching online to see if you can find anything in your area.

I don't have much to add about his to deal with your mom. It sounds like you are doing the best you can do. And hang in there, I know this is going to be a tough time.

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

PBear93 Thanks! I absolutely need to look into it further cause i do think it would be a hugely great thing for me if i could find an option that worked out. We got a free 2 week trial at a gym that has one, but that only helps for 2 weeks lol

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Keeping stress down, when big life things happen? [Parental fallout]

Re: Keeping stress down, when big life things happen? [Parental fallout]

shannonrnbsn I just bought Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, but this one seems like its worth reading as well! I will definitely check it out! Thank you!

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