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November 2015 Moms
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Playtime with dad scares the hell out of me

Knottie16288692Knottie16288692 member
in November 2015 Moms
i love watching my son and husband interact, but sometimes my husband plays too rough. Last night I walked in on my husband holding our two month old upside down by his hips. I lost it and of course we had a major fight. DH thinks I'm overprotective and I think he's an idiot. DS was smiling and seemed to like it. However I'm still freaking out. I've tried asking DH to be gentle and to stop treating our son like a rag doll, but it always ends in a fight. Anybody else going through this? Suggestions? DH would never intentionally hurt our baby. It's like he thinks he has to toughen him up! I'm so frustrated and about to see just how tough DH is when I knock him upside the head the next time I see it!
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Re: Playtime with dad scares the hell out of me

  • MargaretC5MargaretC5 member
    My husband is the opposite, he is overly afraid of hurting the baby. I gave my husband some ideas of how to play with the baby, it helped him a lot to have a list of idea to start with. Maybe something similar would work for your husband, so he has activities ready instead of playing ruff.
    I not a big fan of the wonder weeks book, but it did have age appropriate activities for each stage, using a book like that may be a good conversation starter with your husband.
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  • kdoak2015kdoak2015 member
    Hmm I don't think there's anything wrong with "rough" play but two months is a bit early for hanging them upside down. The head isn't strong enough for this yet or any of the limbs to be honest. I'd be pretty upset to. Can you explain to DH you are all for rough play but baby just needs to develop a bit more?
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  • angelinthepit23angelinthepit23 member
    Oh boy. My husband is the complete opposite. He's still somewhat scared to do anything with the baby. This is his first interaction with any type of baby so he has a hard time with the basics. He always feels like he's going to hurt him.
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  • ASalton1ASalton1 member
    This is a tricky one. Any comments or suggestions you make about the way your DH plays with your LO will come across as if you are attacking his parenting. I would gently tell them that while you love that he wants to have a bond with and interact with your LO he is still very fragile and can be easily injured even on accident. Offer some suggestions of age appropriate activities that he can do with LO and to safe the rough stuff for when LO is a bit stronger. (1-2 years or so) Good luck!
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  • bellie1223bellie1223 member
    I agree with PP who said you have to walk a fine line because you don't want to come across as criticizing your partner's parenting. My husband has, for the most part, been great, but he doesn't read and do as much research as me, so is not up to speed on recent safety stuff. What I've done is brought things up in an offhand way at another time (as in not right when I see him doing something I wouldn't do, unless it really is a serious safety issue--then I say something right then) and said i was reading x,y and z the other day and now the research shows yada yada yada... Or I asked the doctor at our last appt and this is what she said... It seems to work well.
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  • NovemberSnoNovemberSno member
    bellie1223 said:

    I agree with PP who said you have to walk a fine line because you don't want to come across as criticizing your partner's parenting. My husband has, for the most part, been great, but he doesn't read and do as much research as me, so is not up to speed on recent safety stuff. What I've done is brought things up in an offhand way at another time (as in not right when I see him doing something I wouldn't do, unless it really is a serious safety issue--then I say something right then) and said i was reading x,y and z the other day and now the research shows yada yada yada... Or I asked the doctor at our last appt and this is what she said... It seems to work well.

    I think this is a perfect way to go about it he won't even realize you are really trying to tell him "hello that's dangerous" Lol but he also wants what is best for LO and I'm sure not trying to hurt him. So, when you tell him this way he will connect the two without realizing it. Good advice!
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  • lrjac12lrjac12 member
    I'm on the same boat. I got extremely upset because I caught my SO tossing our 1 month old in the air. WTF. I literally cried. To make it even worse, this is not his first child.
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  • amm0512amm0512 member
    My DH has always done things with DS that I am not comfortable with, and yes, I do think he feels it "toughens him up". I try to pick my battles, but I have no issue making it into a fight if DH is just being stupid. He has a recliner that he likes to have reclined and will lift DS up into the air; he's been doing this since DS was probably 6 months old. I bitched every single time he would do it: "please stop doing that. It makes me really uncomfortable and it's not safe". Sure enough, one of the times he did it, the friggin reclincer fell backwards; thank God DH pulled DS down in time or he would have hit the gloor head first and then been crushed by DH's 240lbs. DS is now 2 years old, and occasionally I will still catch DH doing this stupidity. So I have no qualms with screaming at him then.
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  • helsbels222helsbels222 member
    edited December 2015
    Maybe if you tell your husband that you just feel two months is much too early for "rough" play and ask him to wait until he's x number of months. Like maybe 6-9 months would be more acceptable. Research articles online and have him read them so he can see that it's not just you being too overprotective and that it truly is dangerous. Or you can also have the pedi talk to him.

    Eta: posted too soon
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  • RaisingJulianRaisingJulian member
    helsbels222 said:

    Maybe if you tell your husband that you just feel two months is much too early for "rough" play and ask him to wait until he's x number of months. Like maybe 6-9 months would be more acceptable. Research articles online and have him read them so he can see that it's not just you being too overprotective and that it truly is dangerous. Or you can also have the pedi talk to him.

    Eta: posted too soon


    I agree with this. When I told my fiancé ur not supposed to put ur kids in the car seat with coats on because it's not tight enough & unsafe he said I was full of sh*t because then the kids would freeze their ass off in the car. Well I showed him an article of a crash test dummy getting whipped out of the car seat because of their coat & he never questioned it again. Now he takes his coat off before strapping him in. Sometimes he thinks I just tell him things to get my way but proof usually gets my point across.
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  • Elyse1384Elyse1384 member
    I am never delicate with anyone's feelings (DH, family or friends) when it comes to the safety of my kids. Tell your DH to read some literature on what is and is not safe play for a baby. Hanging a 2 month old upside down is far from it. Trust me... It is more than worth a fight. Sometimes loved ones need a stern talking to in order to respect what you want and is needed for your kids - even if that person is your partner. Your baby can't speak for himself so you are his only voice right now. LO needs your protection and you did the right thing by stepping in.
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  • brownloveonebrownloveone member
    edited December 2015
    My husband was holding up lo and letting his head dangle or not supporting his head when he picked him up and I would bitch and fight like crazy about it. He wouldn't stop because he felt I'm too paranoid and judging him but my baby is only 3.5 weeks old. What I started doing was never letting him near him and every time the baby even yawned I'd run to him n say - I got him don't get up-. He then was all shocked n hurt and asked me if I didn't want him to touch his son. I told him I was too scared to let him accidentally injure him that I'd rather just handle him myself. He now holds him properly. But I still watch him like a hawk.

    Edited because not everything posted
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  • Knottie16288692Knottie16288692 member
    I've tried talking to him a million times. I too don't agree with the fine line thing. I carried this baby for 9 months making sure I did everything I possibly could to make sure he got here safe.
    No way I'm going to let my DH do something stupid and risk my child's life. We had a huge fight about it. I explained how it could hurt the baby. I suggested forms of play that were safe for his age and I asked that he do it for my reassurance even if it didn't make sense. He threw the biggest fit. Said he was teaching him to learn his motor skills early. I swear men are idiots. Im now taking the approach of not letting him interact with our son. I'm too afraid to bring it up with the pediatrician. Nowadays everything is child abuse. He isn't purposefully trying to hurt him. It is just play and my son seems to enjoy it. Some may see it as him being an unfit parent.
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  • Ceridwen77Ceridwen77 member
    Knottie16288692 said:

    I've tried talking to him a million times. I too don't agree with the fine line thing. I carried this baby for 9 months making sure I did everything I possibly could to make sure he got here safe.
    No way I'm going to let my DH do something stupid and risk my child's life. We had a huge fight about it. I explained how it could hurt the baby. I suggested forms of play that were safe for his age and I asked that he do it for my reassurance even if it didn't make sense. He threw the biggest fit. Said he was teaching him to learn his motor skills early. I swear men are idiots. Im now taking the approach of not letting him interact with our son. I'm too afraid to bring it up with the pediatrician. Nowadays everything is child abuse. He isn't purposefully trying to hurt him. It is just play and my son seems to enjoy it. Some may see it as him being an unfit parent.

    You're going to do what you want, but being afraid to bring it up to your pediatrician or any professional is a mistake IMO, considering a talk with your SO didn't impact him. He can't teach motor skills early. Baby's brain is not developed and ready. If he can't comprehend that he needs help.
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  • GoogleMDGoogleMD member
    Knottie16288692 said:

    I've tried talking to him a million times. I too don't agree with the fine line thing. I carried this baby for 9 months making sure I did everything I possibly could to make sure he got here safe.
    No way I'm going to let my DH do something stupid and risk my child's life. We had a huge fight about it. I explained how it could hurt the baby. I suggested forms of play that were safe for his age and I asked that he do it for my reassurance even if it didn't make sense. He threw the biggest fit. Said he was teaching him to learn his motor skills early. I swear men are idiots. Im now taking the approach of not letting him interact with our son. I'm too afraid to bring it up with the pediatrician. Nowadays everything is child abuse. He isn't purposefully trying to hurt him. It is just play and my son seems to enjoy it. Some may see it as him being an unfit parent.

    That is because he is acting like one. The fact that he won't even take your concerns seriously is even more alarming. Your child is not safe with your husband when he does this. Just not letting him interactive is not a reliable solution. I would tell him he needs to get help and if he refuses then you need to take thr baby elsewhere.

    If he sees no problem with this behavior, and doesn't even respect you enough to stop thr behavior what else would he do? I know you love your husband, but you need to protect your baby.
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  • Knottie16288692Knottie16288692 member
    First off I do protect my child. Secondly, playing too rough doesn't mean that he is an unfit parent. Thinking that it will help with motor development is stupid, but it doesn't make him an unfit parent. It makes him ill informed. He is a wonderful dad who talks to the my son, who feeds him, changed diapers, looks up any safety issues on products, provides for us... The list could go on. I talked to my husband and took some advice that had been given to me by a few others on here. Instead of blowing up about it, I showed him ways that he could play with the baby and they are perfectly safe. I think seeing my sons reaction to some of the activites like tummy time, dancing, and the bicycle thing, might've helped. I still have to remind him to be careful but in his mind I'm being an overprotective mom and he's trying to toughen up his son. Regardless of the stupidity of that last statement, we are working on it.
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  • Elyse1384Elyse1384 member
    image

    He can also check this out - https://www.c00lstuff.com/1133/Do_s_and_don_ts_with_babies/
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  • NovemberSnoNovemberSno member
    Knottie16288692 said:

    First off I do protect my child. Secondly, playing too rough doesn't mean that he is an unfit parent. Thinking that it will help with motor development is stupid, but it doesn't make him an unfit parent. It makes him ill informed. He is a wonderful dad who talks to the my son, who feeds him, changed diapers, looks up any safety issues on products, provides for us... The list could go on. I talked to my husband and took some advice that had been given to me by a few others on here. Instead of blowing up about it, I showed him ways that he could play with the baby and they are perfectly safe. I think seeing my sons reaction to some of the activites like tummy time, dancing, and the bicycle thing, might've helped. I still have to remind him to be careful but in his mind I'm being an overprotective mom and he's trying to toughen up his son. Regardless of the stupidity of that last statement, we are working on it.

    I agree I think people are quick to judge. I don't think you need to (in this case) "protect" your baby from his father. Or that your DH needs to "get help". I think he's a new dad who hasn't done his research. I think it is your responsibility to guide him towards that research and make sure he is safe with baby. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean any harm but accidents happen and we want to be as safe as possible to avoid as many as we can. God knows we can't avoid them all. :weary: I think the way you went about it was right. Sometimes men are stupid...I bet he'd be way more gentle if your LO was a girl. Just continue to keep close eye for awhile and hopefully he will take your concerns seriously after he gets more information. Also, don't be afraid to talk to your pediatrician. Sometimes dad hearing it from the doctor will mean alot more than from you.
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  • Ceridwen77Ceridwen77 member
    edited December 2015
    NovemberSno said:

    Knottie16288692 said:

    First off I do protect my child. Secondly, playing too rough doesn't mean that he is an unfit parent. Thinking that it will help with motor development is stupid, but it doesn't make him an unfit parent. It makes him ill informed. He is a wonderful dad who talks to the my son, who feeds him, changed diapers, looks up any safety issues on products, provides for us... The list could go on. I talked to my husband and took some advice that had been given to me by a few others on here. Instead of blowing up about it, I showed him ways that he could play with the baby and they are perfectly safe. I think seeing my sons reaction to some of the activites like tummy time, dancing, and the bicycle thing, might've helped. I still have to remind him to be careful but in his mind I'm being an overprotective mom and he's trying to toughen up his son. Regardless of the stupidity of that last statement, we are working on it.

    I agree I think people are quick to judge. I don't think you need to (in this case) "protect" your baby from his father. Or that your DH needs to "get help". I think he's a new dad who hasn't done his research. I think it is your responsibility to guide him towards that research and make sure he is safe with baby. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean any harm but accidents happen and we want to be as safe as possible to avoid as many as we can. God knows we can't avoid them all. :weary: I think the way you went about it was right. Sometimes men are stupid...I bet he'd be way more gentle if your LO was a girl. Just continue to keep close eye for awhile and hopefully he will take your concerns seriously after he gets more information. Also, don't be afraid to talk to your pediatrician. Sometimes dad hearing it from the doctor will mean alot more than from you.
    I said above that her DH needs help. It's interesting that your comment discredits that advice, but you go on to say he needs to do research and/or talk to a pediatrician. Those are both ways in which her DH can (and should) "get help".

    Thinking that he is "toughening up" or improving the motor skills of an infant by holding him upside down by his hips is just flat out ignorant. The only way to combat ignorance is with education. Sounds like we agree on that, so no need to discredit some of the valid advice that was previously given.
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