Mother in law - wwyd? Long post, need advice

chesterdoodle · December 2015

I will warn you - this post is way too long. I apologize in advance. So I posted earlier this week on an issue with my mother-in-law "overreaction". Well after spending another tortuous holiday weekend with her, it's ending quite badly. So bad that I need advice as to whether we cut her out completely or if this is somehow salvageable. My husband and I are at wits end.

Background: my FIL passed nearly 3 years ago. He was in the hospital and long term care for about 1.5 months after having a stroke. Long story short - she basically abandoned by FIL and my husband picked up the pieces, taking time off from work, staying overnight and taking care of him until the very end. She was ungrateful and made the whole experience about herself, even telling FIL he was dying and that he was leaving her all alone. (He wasn't dying, he had a really good chance at survival but those words affected his progress.)

Fast forward, once FIL passed, she was unbearable. FIL always took care of her, and now she wanted my husband to take care of her. I think she started viewing me as in her way since he had a wife. So she became nasty and I Gave it back because she abandoned her husband in the last weeks of his life and treated my husband like shit. I totally played into her manipulation. My fault- I should've known better.

Over the years, it's been a struggle. We've helped with bills, my husband takes care of her house (even though we live 2 hours away), we spend every holiday with her (my family hasn't spent much time with us - not that they are perfect, that's a whole other story), we visit her about 1x a month, and my husband calls her everyday. Despite all of this, no thank you's, lots of complaints about how we help, ie I bought her a new iPhone for her birthday but all she did was complain because the phone was sent to my house instead of hers so she didn't get the phone for about 4 weeks until we saw her next. When my husband told her we were pregnant for the first, her response was "who is going to take care of me? You won't have any time."

She treats me like crap, constantly criticizing me, trying to boss me around, make underhanded comments. And it drives me nuts. I'm not one to play games but she is just so horrible so I make underhanded comments back. Really really stupid I know. I am falling right into her trap. which my husband keeps telling me, he says to ignore it but that means I am takin her abuse then without standing up for myself. He's been doing that his whole life and I am so sad for him that that is his only mother.

Anyways, fast forward to this weekend, we are driving her to her family's 4 hours away (again) for the long weekend, we stop at my family's on the way down for only 2 hours. We buy her all her meals, we pay for gas, carry her luggage, etc. She complains the whole time. She tries to bully me into a specific daycare decision for my kids, she complains about how her new phone cost her unlimited data (she's never used more than 1g), she "watches" my daughter when I find my toddler at the top of the steep stairs, she gives me, my husband and my daughter gifts from her basement - like a 1990 train set in an open box (meanwhile my sister in laws kids got brand new expensive gifts), complains that my husband didn't buy an apple brand iPhone charger for her,p etc.

The kicker at the end of it is my husband tells her that we are going to leave early in the morning on Sunday to avoid traffic. (We have about 6 hours back to our house without traffic) She's pissed because she wants to stay longer, so she runs to her mother who is 84, practically bedridden and a little out of it, to complain about me and my husband who want to run out of here tomorrow. So my husband's grandmother gets all upset when she's my husband packing up tonight for the early trip tomorrow, telling my husband to just leave if he is in such a rush. My MIL smiling at her bedside. Really sick to have manipulated her mother like that, after all we've done for her and her mother over the last 12 years. This is definitely the last time we'll see his grandmother, she doesn't look good. And my MIL has ruined the way his grandmother views him and I.

So let me ask, is this it? Is that the breaking point when we need to just cut her off? Can we salvage the relationship here? We have been trying to be supportive since her husband passed but she has been terrible to us and it's been really hard on our marriage. And I am really upset that now she is treating my daughter like she doesn't matter, like she is lesser than her other grandchildren. And I really hate that I played into her games here because I know I'm not 100% innocent in all this now.

huskypuppy14 · December 2015

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know what you should do, but whatever decision you make your husband should be on board. Maybe take some time away from her and if she complains, who cares? She already treats your family like crap (including your husband), so you might as well make yourselves happy and spend less time with her. In my non expert opiinion, it sounds like she could be a narcisist, and if she is there is no reasoning with her. Your husband should not be allowing his mother to butt into his marriage so you both need to be on the same page, and hopefully he will side with you.

meggyme · December 2015

Wow, you've taken a lot more abuse than the average person.

Can the rest of her family help take the load of caring for her? That way the burden and the abuse don't fall entirely to you and your husband.

VikingGirl12 · December 2015

Ugh this is just awful. And honestly, a lot more stress than you should have while pregnant. I think completely cutting her out could be a little harsh, but it's definitely time to cut back. I think doing anymore things for her at this point is going to enabe her to be the witch she is. I am so sorry that you're going through this. It's hard to know what to do. I also think it's time for your husband to step up and tell it to her straight. My MIL is also very very difficult like this and I ended up telling him, if you don't do something about this you're going to end up losing me. It helped all three of our relationships tremendously.

HBamama2B · December 2015

I'm so sorry you're going through all that on top of he pregnancy! I hope you and DH find a balance that works for you two. Whatever that is (seeing her not at all or less), it is her job to manage herself and her expectations. I hope things settle quickly and you get some much needed space!

nightwitch · December 2015

My husband broke off contact with his toxic mother (who sounds EXACTLY like your MIL) nine years ago. She died this summer and we talked about it a ton, I really wanted to be sure he was ok with it, did he regret it, etc. He told me he was much happier without her in his life, than with her in it.

Of course, his father beat the heck out of him from age 6 to 16 and she stood idly by and did nothing to protect him, so that makes a big difference from your situation.

I will say I'm very happy they're both gone and I won't have to have our unborn child exposed to her narcissistic personality disorder and his father's dope addiction.

Good luck, this is so horribly stressful for someone who is pregnant, as you are. I'm glad we cut off contact with my in-laws. Just because someone is related to you doesn't mean they're family

MellBabyPeeps · December 2015

Sounds like she needs to be be treated like a spoiled child. Stop "Doing" for her. Let her be the grown up she is supposed to be. Do not enable her behavior anymore.
Fine, she doesn't want to leave with you on Sunday, she's a big girl, let her figure out her own way home then.
My mom can be similar in this way and sometimes it's myself I have to blame. We pay for her cable and cell phone and she can act SO helpless sometimes! Drives me nuts. I have to learn to say "no" and it sounds like so do you and your husband. Oh, she will make you feel like shit for putting your foot down, but eventually she might just get it.
Let her Cry It Out.

samsammygirl89 · December 2015

It sounds like she has been very spoiled in her life and everyone around does what she wants them to do. You can't change her ways but you can change yours. I say not to cut her off bc she is family but maybe hire someone to assist her. She sounds very depressed and she needs help. Don't let her rob your joy but cutting her off will only cause you heart ache bc u sound like a caring person. People like u cannot just walk away and forget about it. Change small things such as not going over to her house and talking to her on a daily basis. And when she calls ignore it and call back when u have limited time to talk so u aren't exposed to so much negativity. U and ur husband will eventually have marriage problems if not....but it must be a joint thing. I would even try marriage counselor to see how to handle situation without damaging ur marriage. I thought my mil was bad. So sorry u r dealing with this.

ashleyrobertson0113 · December 2015

I'm so so sorry you are dealing with this. My ex's mother was the same way. If you can't tolerate her drama and stress and just stay quiet through it the best thing to do for yourself is set boundaries. And your DH needs to be willing to stand up to her and put his foot down. It seems as if part of why this is going on so long is because he is allowing it to. You both need to sit down and talk about what you want and need in order to be able to function with her in your lives and come to a reasonable set of expectations and then enforce them together.

baileysch · December 2015

I work with elderly people, and I can say wholeheartedly that it sounds like your MIL is mentally unwell. Whether you choose to have a relationship with her in the future or not, I recommend you and your husband have a chat with a counselor so you can have a better understanding what you are dealing with and get some closure. It sounds like you and your husband are very loving and generous people- cutting her out completely will not be easy. Also, your husband may not have had the time he needed to grieve his father's passing because of your MIL's destructive behaviors. There may be free or low cost counseling services available in your area. You could call the local hospital and ask about grief counseling and other related family counseling services and find out what is available. Your primary care physician may also be able to give you a referral. Good luck dear! You and your family deserve happiness and to be treated with respect and kindness.

Tawny87 · December 2015

This may sound harsh, it sounds like she needs a reality check, which should most likely be a stern talking to from her son. A grown woman should be able to stand on her own two feet and even get a job to help with her costs if need be. Her financial well being should not fall solely on you guys. As for the emotional abuse, that is completely unacceptable and should not be tolerated, it sounds like she needs counseling but that is on her shoulders to accept. Long story short, you all have bent over backwards to accommodate her but now it is time for her to stand on her own two feet and learn to appreciate what others do for her.

alohasoprano · December 2015

baileysch said:
I work with elderly people, and I can say wholeheartedly that it sounds like your MIL is mentally unwell. Whether you choose to have a relationship with her in the future or not, I recommend you and your husband have a chat with a counselor so you can have a better understanding what you are dealing with and get some closure. It sounds like you and your husband are very loving and generous people- cutting her out completely will not be easy. Also, your husband may not have had the time he needed to grieve his father's passing because of your MIL's destructive behaviors. There may be free or low cost counseling services available in your area. You could call the local hospital and ask about grief counseling and other related family counseling services and find out what is available. Your primary care physician may also be able to give you a referral. Good luck dear! You and your family deserve happiness and to be treated with respect and kindness.

This. I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree that professional help is the way to go.

agillespie15 · December 2015

I say, there is a time to cut toxic people out of your life, and sounds like she's very toxic!!!!! Given that this is your husbands mother, I guess cutting her completely out is not feasible, but cutting his "apron strings" from her is. She sounds terribly ungrateful and rude. I would cut her off as far as "taking care" of her. Calling her on the phone to check on her once or twice a week should be enough. My mother in law is quite needy as well, and it has caused a rift between my husband and I as well. His dad died when he was 10 and she's heavily relied on my husband to do EVERYTHING for her since. Even at the age of 10. She hasn't liked it much since my presence has shifted his focus off of her a bit. I totally understand what you're going through. Your husband is going to have to b willing to cut some of those apron strings or this wil never get better. So sorry you're dealing w this.

TheHauntedHauswife · December 2015

Its not exactly the same. But i am going through such a similar thing with my own mother right now its crazy. So i really really empathize with you. Its a horrible thing to go through and a very hard choice to consider cutting off someone like that. The biggest challenge for me was getting my husband on board with it because of is beliefs on family but after all these months he has even seen her truest colors. My honest opinion after going through this, researching it endlessly and talking to my own therapist for months about it IS that, yes it is time to cut her off. But again, just my opinion its your life and you should do whats best for your whole family. However this is, just as my case, a form of abuse. You dont seem to mention your husband too much but I would imagine hes been abused by her in this way for a very very long time and its something that is very hard to break. Overall,we just should not allow anyone to treat us this way. We owe more to ourselves and our children then to allow this to be the norm. It wont be easy by any means, but i do truly feel that cutting her off is the best thing when someone gets this out of hand. Feel free to PM me, i would gladly talk to you about it further.

Beth&Dane · December 2015

Despite what you may have said already, I would do like your husband said and ignore it, because when you talk back your letting her know that she's getting to you. Besides that however I would make a progression to help her out less and less, if she's not going to appreciate the help, she can learn how to appreciate the help you used to give when she had to do it herself. (Given she is in good enough health.) As for your husband's gramma, it may be hard to find time but maybe try to see her one last time with out the mother in law, so it can be a happy memory. I don't k ow if this helped but, genuinely, good luck.

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