STM Advice/Moms in delivery room?

summererdvig · December 2015

I know there are a million threads about Moms in the delivery room...but I have to ask for some insight from a different perspective:

My husband and I have decided on not having anyone in the room except for the two of us. We told moms they can be on stand by, as it is our first baby and if we are overwhelmed we will call them in, but will be going into it with the intentions of being alone.

His mom took it great and was very supportive...my mom? Not so much. She cried like a baby, and man is it tough to see that woman cry, especially with all these hormones!

We hang out every Saturday and today she was very distant. She didn't seem herself. I know she is hurt, but i genuinely want to be alone with my husband. My mom isn't obnoxious and i know she wouldn't get in my nerves being there or anything like that, but these are my and my husbands final moments being just the two of us for the rest of our lives. I've tried explaining it to her a million different ways and she just seems so upset/offensed/hurt. She told me cousin she doesn't want to stress me out and talk about it anymore, but her change in demeanor is very stressful since her and I are so close.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Let me get to the point! My cousin, who had a baby girl two years ago, tried to play mediator and comfort her since she did it without her mom (she did it drug free and regretted her decision where as I will be medicated but again, I'm rambling) and I guess my mom made her feel bad too because she called me playing devils advocate. She said that now that she is the mom of a little girl, she can understand why my mom wants to be there so bad, and that she would never want to miss that for her daughter.

Maybe it's because I haven't really been a "mom" in that sense of the word yet, but I'm about to have a little girl too and I would respect my daughters wishes and not guilt her. Would it be beautiful to see your grandchild be born? Absolutely! But I wouldn't want to impose and take away from her and husbands/SO's special moment.

STMs was mom in the room? Did you regret your decision (either way)? If you were w/o mom and had a little girl, has your opinion changed?

I hate seeing my mom upset, but think it's super unfair that I'm feeling guilty for what should be my decision. These hormones, and being weeks away from having a little girl of my own is making my empathetic for my mom, but I don't want to change my and my husbands wishes to save her feelings, as harsh as that may sound.

I'm just wondering if maybe I'm being insensitive to her feelings as my cousin suggested?

Latina211508 · December 2015

I honestly think you have every right to only want your husband in the room. It is a special moment for you both and you two are the only ones that made this child

. I did have my mom there when I gave birth to my first baby, my son. But only because my husband was deployed but I did ask as her, she did not insist. When I had my second and third baby (both girls) my husband and I decided it would only be us. My mom never asked but when I told her she completely understood. I don't regret it. I cherish those moments right after with my husband. I wish he was there instead of my mom with my first. Now having our fourth it was no questions asked that my husband will only be in the room. I personally wouldn't want anyone but him and only him. I don't think you're being insensitive. She's just hurt, understandable but it's not about her. It's about you and the birth of your child. Just give her time.

g8trkim · December 2015

If that's you and SO's decision then stick with it. I find it kind of unfair that she is acting strange and that your cousin is involved. It's a personal decision between you and him. I had my mom there for my first and it was great. She couldn't make it on time for my second and that was great too. Honestly, it's all a bit of a blur and once the baby is born everyone is so excited it's not going to matter one way or the other.

VitaLuna · December 2015

I didn't want my mom in the room either, but I knew that it was something really important to her, and it's not something you can ever get back, so we compromised and agreed that she could be there for the delivery, but needed to leave right after to give H and I time alone (holy run-on sentence!)

It ended up not mattering, since I had a c/s and never went into labor. We will keep the same plan this time if I (fingers crossed) have a successful VBAC.

I can see both sides of it. It's not fair for your mom to make you feel guilty in the least, but I can also see where she's coming from in that this is something very special and rare that she wanted to be a part of, particularly since you're close.

hsmitty16 · December 2015

Before I gave birth to my first daughter I asked my mom if she could be in the delivery room with her on one side and my husband on the other side. We also have a close relationship. Now I am pregnant with my second daughter and I didnt ask her this time. I only want my husband in the room. This time she asked if she could, and I explained to her that I want the moment with just my husband. She akwardly argued with me about it, but I told her I am not changing my mind. She too acted hurt, and eventually got over it.

Its important to follow through with what you want, because in the end she will get over it when she meets your baby and you will forever remember and feel content with the moment that you will never get back with your husband. Dont make important decisions based on obligation. its never easy hurting your moms feelings, but its just not about her in this situation.

PS Its none of your cousins buisiness. Becareful involving ppl that love drama and control.

Mamacat316 · December 2015

I said this before on a different thread, but before joining The Bump I had literally never heard of anyone being in the delivery room except the baby's parents and medical staff/doula. Granted, my parents live in a different country, but even if they didn't they would never have asked and I wouldn't have offered. I sort of feel like everyone gets their own shot at being a parent and experiencing the magic of childbirth. It's too bad your mom is upset, but you have to remember that this is 100% about YOU and YOUR PARTNER having your baby.

Achae · December 2015

I agree with others, it is your decision to make and she should respect that. I only had my husband in the room and I can't imagine it any other way. It was never even a conversation that popped up for my mom and me. I'm honestly shocked by how many non SO people who want or expect to be included in such an intimate moment. Maybe because I view it as more medical? Idk but I have no regrets!

summererdvig · December 2015

Thank you ladies!! I feel slightly less guilty and hormonal knowing that it's common to want your privacy with your partner. It's just going to be a long 7-8 weeks if she keep asking awkwardly around me. Hopefully she realizes why we have decided to do t this way

dtaded13 · December 2015

In my family we have a saying "whoever is in the room when baby is made, can be in the room when baby is born"

dtaded13 · December 2015

It keeps cutting off the last half of my reply. Anyway, I said I'm a very private person so I'm glad our families agree and they can wait in the waiting room

jcjohnson0216 · December 2015

I had my mom in the room for my first and it wasn't so much stressful as it was annoying.

I have two girls and i put myself in my mom's shoes for a second and let me tell you...I couldn't imagine being so selfish that i would try to guilt either one of them in to letting me in the room.

I was so happy to have that private moment with my husband when i had my second daughter.

I would never insist or argue or have any kind of attitude about not being there...that is just so selfish.

Monkeybutt80 · December 2015

I didn't have anyone but my husband in the room for labor and delivery. I didn't even have anyone at the hospital. I never mentioned anything to my mom and my mom never expressed any desire to be in the room. I have no regrets. It was such a special moment for my husband and I, and not having anyone else made sense to us. It allowed us to bond and experience it as the immediate family. It wasn't until about 12 hours later, after cleaning up and being moved to the recovery room, that I had my parents visit to see the baby.
I plan to do the same this time.

Fullerj21 · December 2015

My mom was in the room when I had my daughter and so was my husband. It was fine. She and I have a great relationship, she wasn't annoying and she kind of stayed in the background and let my H and I have our time. I didn't really plan on having her in there but it just kind of happened and it was comforting knowing she was there.

Life is Exciting · December 2015

We set the expectation that it would be just hubby and I, like you did. After 12 hours of labor, hubby was the one begging me to let my mom come in. He needed a break from being my labor coach. He was hungry and didn't want to eat in front of me because they wouldn't let me eat. And, he was emotionally drained. I let my mom in. I don't regret it. I'm setting the same expectations this time.

MississippiCatfish · December 2015

Only DH was in the room for the birth of both kids. I have zero regrets! Very glad that we have done it that way.

purpletulip · December 2015

I also find it strange for someone other than the father and medical people or doula to expect to be in the room. That just seems like a weird assumption to me, but maybe that's because I doubt my mom would want to be there even if I asked and my MIL never said anything about it.

I have a daughter and I can't imagine guilting her into having me in the room. To me it's not so much the relationship between mom and daughter, it's the labor "style" of the woman giving birth. Some people want complete privacy, others want more company. Plus there's also the matter of it being a special, private moment with the father. So if my daughter wants more privacy or wants to share that moment with her husband alone, I don't think I'd be offended.

g8trkim · December 2015

summererdvig said:

Thank you ladies!! I feel slightly less guilty and hormonal knowing that it's common to want your privacy with your partner. It's just going to be a long 7-8 weeks if she keep asking awkwardly around me. Hopefully she realizes why we have decided to do t this way

Trust me, she will get over it. Things will be fine.

cMichelle0423 · December 2015

My mom was with me when I had my first LO. DH couldn't make it so she was my only support during that experience. With our second LO, it was just me and my DH, and I can honestly say, I much preferred it that way. Labor and birth seem so intimate to me. My husband and I connected with each other in such a different way through all that. I love my mom to death and she was an amazing support, and I definitely feel like experiencing that together also brought us closer, but going through everything with her vs my husband were/are two very different experiences. Now with our third, I still plan on having just me and DH together. Especially because we'll be doing an out of hospital birth (at a birth center) and it will be my first med free birth. I can't imagine having anyone else around for that.

blueberrymomma · December 2015

Fullerj21 said:
My mom was in the room when I had my daughter and so was my husband. It was fine. She and I have a great relationship, she wasn't annoying and she kind of stayed in the background and let my H and I have our time. I didn't really plan on having her in there but it just kind of happened and it was comforting knowing she was there.

This ^^^. She also took pics (post birth) that I probably wouldn't have if she wasn't there( DH and I are both bad about taking pictures). I'm going to have her near by this time but DH wants it to be just us, which I ubderstand. I just worry about my anxiety

purplepenguin3 · December 2015

I haven't ever had anyone else with me in the delivery room (besides H). I would never want my mom there either though. at least not while i'm actively pushing. I guess it depends on the situation. my mom also lives 9 hours away so she can't just make it here. but if she was closer i would consider her being in the room while i labored if i was on medication. otherwise i feel like she wouldn't be able to help anyway so she can just wait until the baby is here.

As for being there when my daughter someday has a baby. if she wants me there i would be there for her, but I'm definitely going to respect her wishes whatever they might be. I'll still get to meet the baby.

Your mom's being a bit over dramatic i think.

camusoh2011 · December 2015

With our first my mom was in the room. It wasn't the worst thing ever, but she wasn't really helpful. I mostly ignored her because she kept trying to make the whole thing about herself. With DS2 DH was in the room as was our other son because my brother wouldn't answer his phone to come get him. We didn't have a back up plan then. This time around we're having a c section and there will be so many people from the hospital in the room that it will be nice for just me and DH to try to take in the twins birth.

CountryAir13 · December 2015

With DS it was just DH on the room with me. Both of our moms were in and out prior to pushing. Once it was time I had to ask my mother a couple time to leave. We had the conversation a few weeks before and I told her I only wanted DH in the room. I don't think she really took me seriously because she was there when my sister had her DS a few months before. I know it really hurt my moms feelings when I asked her to leave. Having your mom there for delivery is something my entire family does. I'm the only exception. But I'm a private person and I would not have felt comfortable at all if she had been there. It's really a "to each their own" type of situation.

Kahrriyah91 · December 2015

Don't feel bad I'm actually going thru the same thing except it's my mother-in-law who feels entitled to be in the room while I'm giving birth to my first child! Although when my husband and I first had this conversation I was told to do what makes Me most comfortable which was having my husband and my daddy only. But later on down the line his answer changed because he took his mother's feelings to heart....long story short if u and your husband have agreed then that's that. I made my choice and I'm not going bAck on how I feel simply because no one asked to be in the room when she was created, so it's the same with her being born. It's not like she's not gonna be a grandma

jennarhoda · December 2015

I remember having this conversation with my mom too leading up to the birth of our son and believe me my mom lays on heavy guilt! She basically pouted about it in the weeks before his birth And yes cried! Even after we clearly told her she could not be in there for delivery she awkwardly put my husband in the middle of it while I was in labor And he had to ask her to leave because she wouldn't leave the room. I chose to have a natural drug free labor And will be doing this again and it was very important to me to only have my husband there. My mom tried to guilt me too about how hard it was knowing I was in pain and not being close to me but hold firm! It was worth standing my ground my husband and I look back on those moments as the closest we have ever been. What we did do early in labor was We allowed everyone who came to the hospital to come in briefly to wish us well while my contractions were bearable but once my labor progressed that is where we drew the line. This might be something for you to consider to make her feel included but make sure she understands it's time to leave when you tell her. Because I did not have medication and my mom saw me in pain it made it hard for her to leave but if you are going to have medication your situation should be different. Just remember she will get over it especially once she meets your little one!

summererdvig · December 2015

jennarhoda said:
I remember having this conversation with my mom too leading up to the birth of our son and believe me my mom lays on heavy guilt! She basically pouted about it in the weeks before his birth And yes cried! Even after we clearly told her she could not be in there for delivery she awkwardly put my husband in the middle of it while I was in labor And he had to ask her to leave because she wouldn't leave the room. I chose to have a natural drug free labor And will be doing this again and it was very important to me to only have my husband there. My mom tried to guilt me too about how hard it was knowing I was in pain and not being close to me but hold firm! It was worth standing my ground my husband and I look back on those moments as the closest we have ever been. What we did do early in labor was We allowed everyone who came to the hospital to come in briefly to wish us well while my contractions were bearable but once my labor progressed that is where we drew the line. This might be something for you to consider to make her feel included but make sure she understands it's time to leave when you tell her. Because I did not have medication and my mom saw me in pain it made it hard for her to leave but if you are going to have medication your situation should be different. Just remember she will get over it especially once she meets your little one!

@jennarhoda I just really hopes she gets over it after the fact!!! She "cried" (tried to hold back tears) when I broke the news and now she won't touch on the subject at all because she claims she doesn't want to stress me out or upset me. Which I appreciate but I know she is deeply hurt by it. I feel like a bitch for my "why does she feel entitled to being there" mentality but I just don't understand...she had two kids of her own, this is my and my husbands moment. Our first moment as a family and last moments just the two of us. My mother in law took it GREAT and thought it was a terrific idea for my husband to bond with me and baby in a different level but my mom is really taking it bad. She's my best friend and does so much for me, but i just feel like it's not her place :-( this is my and my husbands journey. I hate feeling bad for what I want. The ONLY reason I'm beating myself up about it is because I know she is sad, not because I want her there.

jennarhoda · December 2015

@summererdvig I truly can relate I am very close with my mom and it was hard on me seeing her so upset. But I am confident given the relationship you have she will let it go after your little one is born it's just so hard now. With this second baby my mom has not even brought it up its just expected it will only be me And my husband in the delivery room. You are definitely making the right choice you already have that special bond with your mom but this is a big moment for you And your husband to grow and experience this birth together. Good luck! Remember she will let it go as soon as she meets her grandchild!

RissKay · January 2016

I'm late to this party, but I completely understand. Shoot, my mom has even been a doula for my best friend and that just adds to her sadness of me not wanting her in there.

Basically I tell her this: if I have to look you in the eye on a regular basis, I don't want you seeing my twat. I could entertain the thought of a photographer since I know they'd stay away from wherever I told them to, but heaven knows my mom wouldn't keep her feet planted. Lol.

I still get guilt trips and they still work 3 years later. I just remind myself, "my body, my choice" and just move along. She will get over it!