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January 2016 Moms
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The boring friend

alisongemalisongem member
in January 2016 Moms
Okay I'm on the younger side of this group (20), so idk how relatable this post will be to everyone but I feel so dull and boring and lame now! The small quantity of friends I do still have are probably bored out of their minds when with me because I can't do anything.. I even get winded walking around target (and spend half the time there going back to the bathroom because I have to pee AGAIN). Hanging out with friends always ends up with us just sitting and talking but it's not usually feel-good talking, it's just "is sex weird now?"
"There's something like alive growing in you"
"What are you gonna do if... (Scary child related situation here)"
I know they don't mean anything by it, I mean it is a foreign concept to most people my age. Also most kids my age are broke so going out for dinner or something like that is something my friends usually don't want to do (and not that fun sounding anyway). Is anyone else going through this feeling? And does anyone have advice/ideas/experiences that helped with this sort of thing?
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Re: The boring friend

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  • katymae08katymae08 member
    edited December 2015
    My husband and I were those friends too. We've been married since I was 21 and he was 20 & we had our first daughter when we were both 21. In the five years that we have been married, most of our friends have been divorced and remarried. It's awful. Most of them still don't have children. I have one best friend who tried to stick it out with me and she loves DD#1, but she now has a 15wk old daughter and said she never truly understood anything I was going through until now. It takes having a child to really get it. Most people really struggle with sticking by your side when they cannot relate. Having a child is just like graduating high school. You make so many friends along the way and then a major event happens and they start to taper off. The best thing you can do is make a valid effort in trying to still be that friend, plus not taking any time from your child, and know that no matter what the outcome is, you tried with everything in you. When you can accept that it wasn't failure from your part it is a lot easier. & PP is right. They probably will try to come back around as they mature and get to where you are now. It's experience.
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  • sarahbeara25sarahbeara25 member
    One thing I would suggest is looking into Mommy and Me activities after baby is born. There may not be tons of women your age but there might be. It's nice to keep your old friends, but PP is right, there are a lot of people that just aren't in the same mindset and it will become hard for you and them, drifting apart isn't unheard of. Mommy and Me groups will offer you an opportunity to meet women who are in the same place (and hopefully some near your age). I know it helped my friend when she had her baby. She was 26 and this still happened, she was the first to have kids and, unfortunately, very few of the people in her friend group were at that stage. So there were lots of "Hey let's go to the mall, all 5 of us can cram into my car", "And my baby will fit?". The Mommy and Me group got her out of the house with new people, some of whom she became great friends with.

    To keep those friends from before, I suggest not pushing baby on them too much. Make sure that when they get uncomfortable holding, or being with baby, they have a "way out", even just you taking little one. When you invite them over try to pick a time of day that baby is "cute".  Also, not sure if they're into the party life style but if they are, have alternative things that you can do together. Play Cards Against Humanity (or whatever game is big- Is there an exploding cats one now?), and going out for coffee (I get alternate drinks) while your pregnant is a nice way to hang out with people without having to walk all over. Mostly just keep up on the young hip things of today :wink: You may not be able to bar hop or go out and party but there are still fun things you can do with them. Yep, you will be different now, and it's "weird" for them, but if they're friends worth keeping they will put out an extra effort and it will help if you put out an effort as well to help them with alternatives (just asking the question here shows me you are willing to :smiley: ). 

    Oh and I'm a 25 year old FTM whose friends mostly still party, drink and continuously try to relive the college days of their 18-22's because apparently that's what 25-30 year old do now (at least in my case). And while I expect to grow apart from some friends, for the most part they're pretty willing to do alternative things that I can do too.

    Pregnancy Ticker
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  • Wicked4589Wicked4589 member
    I am 33, first time mom. All of my friends have kids that are 5+ years old. So they can't relate anymore to the pregnancy stuff except "oh just wait until this happens or you get this". Thanks. My best friend doesn't have kids and in the newlywed stage so we don't talk near as much. It happens and it sucks. Doesn't help, I know. But I think this is something everyone goes through.
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  • littlecrimsonjesterlittlecrimsonjester member
    I just want to say that chances are not all if your friends think your boring. My best friend in the whole world had her first kid when we were 17, we are 27 now and this is my first. I didn't understand what she wad going through but I was still so happy to have her in my life. I know she felt alone and boring sometimes but I always wanted to be there for her. So I guess my point is you may have some friends who are happy and excited for but just don't know how to relate. Now I know she is so excited for my little girl and I can't wait to share mommy stories With her
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  • ShannyFannShannyFann member
    I'm sure I'm just echoing what everyone else said but you are different stages of life right now and they may just not know what to say or how to relate to your situation. I was almost 30 when I had my first and had two groups of friends: those with kids and those without. My best friend in particular had a REALLY hard time with my new life role of mom-to-be and we kind of stopped hanging out. We still spoke and texts but it wasn't quite the same. She was still in that "let's go out for dinner and drinks around 10pm every other night" mind frame while I was just trying not to drown in learning to be a mom. But she came around after more of her group started to move on with their lives and now I see her much more than I have since my first was born. It did help tremendously when I found a Facebook group of new moms to chat with and get together with.
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  • l4rkl4rk member
    I think you will lose some friends for sure, but others will stick around--if you don't make your whole life about your baby. I had a couple friends who had kids young and I always appreciated their ability to not make our hang outs about the kids. They would be there, but we would talk about mostly non-kid stuff (you know, the things we had in common...) Those are the friends you will keep, if you put the effort in.
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  • kelseyg002kelseyg002 member
    I am 22 and I definitely understand what's happening. And you will lose alot of friends(or well grow distant from it) all I hear now is omg you are gonna have her soon and we can go to the bar... um no I will have a newborn to care for. It's just getting yourself in a different mindset of what your new goals are and what is now important and if theirs aren't similar (like being too broke for a nice dinner, but can go get a case of beer) then it's ultimately not gonna work out with them for awhile. I have definitely become such a hermit, but it has brought me closer to my boyfriend and family which I love so much because I know they will always be there for me, even with its not "fun"
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  • kqualls5kqualls5 member
    So I'm 21, & I totally feel you. All of my friends are just newly 21 so all they want to do is go to bars. Even if we all go out for a girls night dinner, all they talk about the whole time is what club they wanna hit first, and they're in a rush to finish dinner and meet up with their other friends. They're all super excited for me and they're all so excited to meet baby (I received like 5 of the same "I love my aunt" shirts from all of them at my baby shower), but it's like no one wants to be there for me during the pregnancy. I used to always be out with everyone and now most of my nights are spent watching Criminal Minds waiting for SO to get off work. I wanna go have fun too! I just... like being in sweatpants and close to a bathroom at all times. Idk. It has made me closer to a few people in my life though. And I just try and remember that if it was one of them that was pregnant, I would probably still be going out all the time, too.
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  • cammiedeeanncammiedeeann member
    My best friend had her first baby last November, and she's said more than once that it showed her who her "true friends" are. A lot of them disappeared when she was staying in night after night with a newborn.

    This isn't to say that the friends who stop coming around are bad people-- but there's a difference in the depth of some friendships. As a mom, you likely won't have time for the "fun-only" friends... You'll have your hands full! So it's a blessing in disguise that this life event will show you which category your friends fit into.

    Some of your friends and family members may surprise you by being a lot more supportive and involved than you anticipate. Rally with those people, and don't be too hard on those friends who become distant after baby... They mean no harm, they just have different priorities.

    Even at 27, DH and I have some friends without kids who just don't get it. The main thing is not to let yourself feel pressured to maintain the level of social life you had before (it's impossible) or to try to fit the mold of mom AND be the "old you" that your friends want at the same time... Because your life is changing, so you're changing as well.

    I second what others have said about joining some mommy & me groups or making mom friends in your area... Other moms will totally get you! My friends who are already moms (FTM here) have been the biggest support during my pregnancy... They check in to see how I'm feeling, offer to drive an hour to my house to hang out when I don't want to get dressed, and offer lots of help and advice when I ask for it. And they have kids of their own, so they keep the same type of mom-hours that I keep/will keep after our daughter arrives. I know they'll be a big help after DD arrives... And they're fun! :)
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  • Mousie93Mousie93 member
    I'm 22 and got pregnant in my last semester of university, so I totally know what you mean. Half my friends treat me like I'm an invalid and have a terminal illness, the others no longer talk to me or have fallen out of touch. My other very close friends find it difficult to talk to me about anything other than the pregnancy. I'm something of a novelty. I think you need to hold on to your close friends, once the baby has arrived things will eventually get easier and you will be more like how you used to be. In the mean time make new friends with people who also expecting or have kids. Yeah they might be a little older than you but trust me they won't be all that different. And their advice and experience is invaluable.
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  • MamaHollandMamaHolland member
    edited December 2015
    What everybody said. It's a part of life at whatever age. You will lose some friends but you will gain new ones that also have young kids. Just because you are 20 doesn't mean that your closest friends will also be in their early 20s too. Your new friends may end up being older than you but you'll have more in common because you have kids the same age. theres people in your age group who are pregnant or have very young children you just have to meet them. You aren't boring. This is the most exciting time I've ever experienced in life. Enjoy it & accept your transition into mommyhood. Winded in the mall, pelvis hurting, back ache, running to the bathroom! Yup same here! Nothing boring about that. LOL. Simple outings have become adventures. It's all temporary, next we will be Running after the babies.
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  • hannahduff3hannahduff3 member
    I'm 19 and at this point don't really have friends. They want to go out and drink and obviously that's just not in the cards for me right now. They're excited for the baby but not the waiting that comes along with it. I'm sure they'll be all over me for the newborn stage but like I've said, if you haven't made an effort with me during the pregnancy don't expect to be a part of my child's life. A blessing in disguise is that my cousin is pregnant too(also 19...must be something in the water). So I've been hanging out with her and her friend who already has a child. We all understand each other. It's comforting and they know what you're going through. I've also taken this time to get super close to my mom. She's my best friend and at the end of the day is better than any of the friends I had before anyway!
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  • maddisonwallacemaddisonwallace member
    21 here. I've made a couple of mommy friends, one of which is 19 and we worked together and she was at the end of her pregnancy when I was just starting mine. It has really helped having her. She is a rare gem. I've found now that the girls I relate to most are in their late 20's and all but one of my previous friends have fallen off the planet. My friends from college all think that as soon as this kid comes out that I'm going to be in the bar scene with them. 1. I've never really been one to do that and 2. The baby doesn't just disappear just because he's not growing in me anymore. I've cried many many times over this and it eventually hit me that as a Christian, God has to be enough for me. I have to trust Him enough to know that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in my life. My friends just aren't there, and they won't be for a long time. And that's okay. Ive had some other big life events happen too, like my mom finding out she has breast cancer and undergoing a double mastectomy, and after that I felt like everything else the girls my age were worried about was so petty and small. It's been really hard to relate. But it's just made me that much closer to my husband and my mom, and they will always be here.
    So I guess that's my long winded way of saying that you have to come to terms with that you're in a different place than your friends and that's okay. They might come back around and they might not, but your problems will likely be the same. Take this time to invest in you and your family.
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